I passed.

S1 7367-01 Psychology 7                Fraser P                 78%  C
S1 5009-02 Co-Ed Team Sports        Meyer L                    78%  C
S1 4337-05 Film as Literature        Shifflet T                    84%  B
S1 2220-07 Wildlife Biology        Mitchell B                  80%  B
S1 4427-03 Adv Writing Skills        Ursani S                 66%  D
Y 6110-09 Geometry 3-4                Luja S                72%  C
This is a first time in a long time that I passed everything. If I can do it again next semester, I'm out.  I know its not much of an accomplishment, these grades suck, but the point is, I passed and that's what I needed, something I haven't been able to do before.. I skip too many assignments, most from actually forgetting, some from putting them off too long, that was my problem with Adv Writing. No late grades. Period.

I'm getting a stationary bike!

For FREE! =D my aunt replaced hers with a treadmill and said she was going to throw it away, and I went NO give it to meeee =D and so she's going to. I'm going to get rid of the bed I don't use anymore (legit don't even sit on it because my bean bag is amazing and replaced all that). I'm also gonna try to fashion a desky thing where the handle bars are so I will have NO excuses to not get on it as soon as I get home. Just think, I can be blogging on my bike by next week! The internetz will deter my weight loss no more!

Wootwoot! Warcraft + cardio, here I come!

Interesting dream kinda with Mich, Peri and Honor.

I had a very vivid dream, so much that it took me awhile to decide for sure it was a dream after I woke up this morning.
I dreamed that I was going to visit some bloggers by train (Mich, Honor and Peri) and I was having trouble getting there (at some point in the dream with a little dream logic I was somehow looking for something in Michs house to take to Mich.. and Matt was somehow involved, not directly, and I don't really remember how.. anyway) I was driving around with my mom trying to get to the train in time and not reveal too much to her and convince her that I REALLY needed to go. I ended up missing the train, and I was crying, then I was suddenly confused about why I wasn't going to Chicago. I went home in my dream, and went to bed. Then (real) I woke up crying and really disappointed I hadn't been able to go anywhere and slightly confused about details about what I thought had happened last night, then as I thought about it more (and woke up more) I realized it must have been a dream. I wish I'd written this this morning when it was fresh, but there you go. My blog dream.

Tonight I fall.

In bed tonight, I wonder why I can't sleep over the sound of my heart beabeat. Skskittering. Maybe, just just maybe I wonder; won't I wake? I wonder if that's bad, so bad to wonder? Just wonder. So bad. It all hurts so bad. So maybe tonight I can sleep just fall to sleep sleep forever. Make the last fall tonight, last tear last one last wish last time tonight I wonder, will it be the last time, I wonder? I wonder under the skittering beabeat beat beabeabeat.

I've never before been quite so keenly aware that I'm a twisted, stinking, writhing, raging mass of teen hormones.

I was alternately depressed, enraged and overcome with nostalgia over....



...wait for it...



a children's thanksgiving program.
I was choking back tears for at least 30 of the 45 minutes we were there.
And now my boyfriend is high and can't talk to me. Is it wrong that I feel betrayed by this? It's monday, practically the only night we get to talk to each other, and he went and got high... I'm angry at his friends for taking him away from me more than I am at him for leaving with them, after all, the opportunity to see one particular friend he's with doesn't come often since she's mostly away for collage.
I kinda already hated her though, hes fucked her before, that's good enough reason in my head to be mistrustful and jealous of her, especially since she's known him so much longer and he practically sings her praise when he's not whining like a lost puppy over how she doesn't pay enough attention to him anymore (which don't get me wrong, I totally get, I feel like that over my old bestest-friend-ever who kinda left me behind when she ran off to collage.. but that doesn't mean I have to like hearing him talk about wanting the attention of another girl who I know he has a bit of a past with, even if they never actually dated and blahblah..... I still.. blah).
I want to cry. I almost want to stop talking to him so that maybe he'll whine to someone about ME not paying him enough attention. I hate myself for thinking that, but god damnit I want him to.. want my attention.. as much as he wants hers.. now I am crying.
Fuck my god damn fucking stupid hormonal teenage life.
Sorry everyone. I weight 91 again.

Not quite.

I don't have a whole lot to say but..

I have a new picture, isn't Matty's smile so cute? I love it. That's his shirt I'm wearing with my.. thing.. over it. I miss him.

I have a problem with theft, starting to realize it really is kinda a problem. Met a guy who's 28 and I thought he was more 19-21ish, shocked me. He didn't a whole lot of a problem with my theft, and he was hella fun.
Is it wrong that I totally would have been all over this dude, knowing he's 28? 
Would as in, would if I'd never gotten Matt. I won't lie, I find this guy attractive, personality and physically, but honestly I just.. don't really want anyone else besides Matty. He'd be like, a second choice type deal, and I know I interested him.. heh (that's always fun to know). Still not as bad as my friends 36year old, (she's 18, recently).
My poor baby's been feeling crappy today, I miss him.

Happy b-day Matty

We realized today that his B-day is about halfway between mine, or vice versa. He's 19 now, and I got him a My Little Pony charm for his key ring, Rainbow Dash. She's adorable and he's super excited for the mail to get there hehe I love this boy
In other news;
His crazy ex gf is working at the pizza place he works at now. I'm kinda freaked out about that, he called me almost in tears and said he wished she would just disappear. I don't trust that fucking bitch.. I know she wants him back, but he's mine now.
I know he wouldn't go back to her, I just don't want her there hurting him. I'm almost sure she'll try something and I'm almost sure he'll get hurt, he's such a sensitive sweetheart as much as he plays himself off as a tough guy. I've never wanted to hurt someone with my own hands as much as I want to hurt her, I mean, I've wished some people would off themselves or get hit by a buss, but I want it to be me that hurts this bitch.

And I'm now officially under 90. My last 4 weigh ins have been under 90 :) this is exciting shit, done pretty much without fasting at all (ok, one juice fast last week, hush I've had calories every day). I've decided it would be counter productive to lose control to the thing I use for control, I won't lose the ability to eat and I'll have the will power to stop before it's too much, and the will to push myself to exercise. that's my goal. I'm going to get to 85 with exercise, without fasting.

I'm such a freaking downer, I need to just go off myself. Don't wanna freak anyone out, trust me I'm too much of a coward to actually do what I should and die, so I'm just sitting here, wallowing in my misery. Not really caring to change it, not sure if I could or not, not sure I care or not. Kinda wishing I didn't wish someone else would come help me. Kinda wishing I'd never met Matt, for some reason I feel like he's the reason I'm still here, wishing. 

I'm not really sure we're friends anymore, I'm not sure why we would be, all I ever do is bitch at him and generally be sad. We had a good weekend, yea, but now I'm right back to my old stupid ways. 

God I miss him.. I'm no good away from him. I've never been able to maintain a long distance friendship, I'm far too needy, too selfish, not patient enough. I hate not knowing whats going on and if I can't see it I want to be told every little detail. This is why I try not to get into things, I can never leave well enough alone, I have to go overboard. It's easier for everyone if I just let people drift away and don't try to cling, these things become so messy. My head is so god damn messy.. 

Shocked.

Stayed home today cause I got sick over the weekend >.< I didn't let it stop me from having a shit lot of fun though! This weekend was amazing, I felt like I ate a bit too much, but somehow I'm at 89 lbs today, so I'm not gonna stress over that! I ate a big (for me, less than most of the others) breakfast and kinda grazed the rest of the day. Nothing spectacular happened, but I was with Matty all weekend, so it was a super freaking good weekend. I'm just happy. Its a good feeling, I miss him, but I know I'm going to see him again. I'm glad my mom seemed content to accept that I was home safe and not question too much where exactly I'd been all weekend. I hate when she flip flops between overbearing caring and not giving a shit at all, but that's a rant for another time.
Gonna go make some berry soup :)

Blueberry green tea, stevia & frozen mixed berries. Great for a sore throat when you want something sweet.
~Edit~
So glad I checked the mail just now, I got Michs package! I'm so super excited, I'm about to read Underwood now! Oh, and I forgot to mention, I somehow lost my belly ring over the weekend, and the hole closed up. I'm debating on if I should let it heal and get it profesionally done later (after I reach 85lbs) or if I should re-pierce it myself now while it'll be easy. I kinda wanna get something to keep it from scaring and then wait, I never felt like I'd done it well enough and I think the motivation would be good for me.. but I'm still loath to let it go and give up saying 'Yea, I did that myself,' :/ 

I'll be seeing him tomorrow, not sure what my weight is, gonna try and weigh before I get on the bus tomorrow morning. I'm surprisingly calm for not knowing what I weigh, I think I might be numb though, because I'm not particularly excited either. I think I might be kinda scared. I kinda wanna take a lax, wrong? :/ I'm sure I don't weigh low enough.. I'm going to try and get some sleep and not think about it.
I hate that I'm not just super excited like I want to be..

Just cause

"Judo FLI-"  "Nope."

Boom

I have 5 days

Help?
5 days till I see Matt. I want someone else to tell me what to do, I'm at 90.6 lbs this morning, again. I want someone else to tell me what to do.. help? I don't want to be this same weight three times in a row that I've seen him, I feel like such a failure.. should I just not eat at all? Liquid fast? Have x cal and exercise x+200? Right now nothing sounds good, but for 5 days? My longest fast is still 2 days and that was a long time ago.. before Matt, when I didn't have his disapproval to make me feel guilty for it.
I also don't want to end up binging a day or two before I see him because I'm not used to fasting anymore. I would purge, I don't want to purge and taste like puke. Liquids sounds better, more likely to work anyway.. anyone, ideas?
Tell me about a time when you lost more weight than you thought was possible in few days?

I'm a basket case, crazy, mental. I told Matt today I didn't believe he loved me, I'm not sure why I'm not even sure if I believed it when I said it. I'm not sure if I believe it right now. I'm kind of pissed off at him for me eating. I'm pissed off that even when he makes me mad I end up wishing that he were here to hold me. I get mad over the stupidest shit and then get madder when he gets mad back, because of course it's stupid, and of course it's shit, I know that and of course he has ever reason to be angry at me but god damnit I just want to be held! I want to be told to shut up because it's going to be ok and he's going to hold me and he still loves me. If he told me to shut up and followed it with something like that I'd be happy as could be because I'm just that fucking mental. I don't want to let him know how pathetic I am and so I end up getting madder when he tries to figure out what I'm mad about. I don't want him to know how much I just don't even understand it myself half the time and how much I wish he would tell me to shut up because of course he cares when I say I don't feel like he does. He argues and argues with me and I do it too, and we'll both argue till one of us just plain brakes down. I think I might want him to owe me something for being the reason I'm eating, and of course that's stupid, he'd probably think that's stupid if I told him. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave, leave and let me starve to death. But that's stupid too, he's not doing anything to keep me here, it's my choice, I unjustly want him to be responsible for my choice, which he has no reason to even think he has any right to be. I don't know what I want. I want him. I want him to help me, get better? I want him to leave and let me starve if he doesn't give me what I want. I don't want to leave him, I won't.
I think I might be pushing him away and not letting him even guess at why, but I'm also telling him I don't want him to leave, that I want to spend my life with him. The poor boy must be tearing at the seams, but I am too, and I don't know what to do for either of us. So this leaves me at, I won't leave him. I kind of hope he leaves me, but I'll fight to keep him if he tries, because what else am I supposed to do? He's the only reason for me to live, the only reason I want to have to live. Of course I'm going to fight, even if I kind of just want it over with.
Sorry for the rant, I just need to tell someone that won't argue with me.

I stepped on a mouse today.

~~graphic details ahead, proceed at your own risk~~

I'm finally getting over that whole look only at the ground when I'm walking thing, and what do I do? Step on a mouse. That was the most terrible noise I've ever heard in my life. I got a bit sick before I even knew what it was. I jumped back, but the damage was done. It dragged whatever was spilling out of its split skin a little ways, then collapsed, its little legs still kicking. I stared in morbid fascination as it died, I think the emotion part of my brain shut down right there, I was thinking the whole time that I should crush its head to put it out of its misery. In my version to Matt, I said that I had, because it seemed right. I guess it was because he replied "And that's what separated you from psychosis" I don't know what to think of that, so I'm not going to. I had to suppress being sick as I walked away, and I felt pretty bad that I hadn't done anything to help, probably not as bad as I should feel.. I'm not even going to justify this, it was terrible, sick. I don't know what else to say.

I don't have much to say, so here's some cool music.

(this first one is my fav)

I... fail.

I hit 89 yesterday morning, after 10 months. I mean, it was only barely, 89.6, but it was still there. That night? Ate my newlowweight in cereal. MOTHER F-ING CEREAL. Not even like, the awesome pumpkin bread my auntie made me. Nope. Honey nut cereal. I have no taste as well as no control over my hands movement towards my mouth.
I also missed the chat, of course. Dumb ass here. I also didn't finish the marowak cosplay I wanted finished that night.
STFU AUTO CORRECT COSPLAY IS A FUCKING WORD. GET OVER IT.
SALDFYU AWLSDANCVYECGB SXDGFTYCGVSDYCVHJSD EFEFG YWEGG
T.T
I miss Matt. He's going to be visiting in about a month, october 28th he'll be coming down..


I'm going to rape the boy... o.o

Weird story & awesome idea

I didn't really think about it until we were running out of the mall because we were going to be late getting home, but then as we ran, my fingers were twitching, I hadn't taken anything, and I kept thinking about it and thinking about it on the way home.
I've never really thought about it, I've rarely taken anything of even medium value, and never anything that wasn't from a big chain. Some coffee syrup here, pencils, cute stickers, drink mixes there. But holy shit it was hard to walk out of that place knowing I had nothing from there..... wtf? I don't even know. Oh well, not going to think about that anymore, too weird.
As for the awesome idea, I'm making my own pure tea concentrate. I've been lamenting my inability to find a pure tea powder that I could bring to school and put in my water to have tea thought the day, well today I had a "OMFG DUH" *major facepalm* moment. Make my own!! It's going to be liquid, 'cause I don't know how to make it into a powder, but oh well. I bring my little water bottle along with my big one sometimes anyway.
The idea came while I was harvesting some of my stevia leaves (to make a liquid extract with) and thinking about tea. I went 'I should make a lot of this stevia stuff and boil it down so I can fit more in my jar.... oh hey! I could make tea and boil it down so I can bring it to school with me!! /facepalm DUH'
I love the way brains will connect things sometimes. Happened with my pickled celery too, eating pickles and wondering what I should do with the celery I didn't want to eat but my dad had just yelled at me to use so it didn't get thrown away and wasted. Yay connections!

Oh and I've also decided to try and induce a mild (key word MILD) vitamin D overdose. The symptoms for a mild overdose aren't all that bad, and one of them is weight loss. Mild: nausea, weight loss, irritability. 

New Page! & Tea Time.

http://imwithana.blogspot.com/p/things-ive-come-up-with-or-found-that.html
I got a request for a tea time that's.. really early for me xD at 7am for me it would be 10pm in sydney Australia (I don't live at gmt, I think I gave that impression to some people, oopse) I could possibly do that next weekend, or do 6&9 some weekday.. I wish I had a better way to get ahold of some of you girls.. >.<
I'm in here now if anyone's on right now! lol http://tinychat.com/hungryanbored

Celery

I apologize for not being in chat today.. I had to stay after school to take a test I missed & didn't get picked up till six.. and so completely missed it /omgIfailsohardandI'msosorry


Celery
Good points

• Low in saturated fat
• No cholesterol
• Very high in calcium
• Very high in dietary fiber
• Very high in manganese
• High in magnesium
• High in pantothenic acid
• High in phosphorus
• Very high in potassium
• High in riboflavin
• Very high in vitamin A
• Very high in vitamin B6
• Very high in vitamin C

http://caloriecount.about.com I love this site.

Did anyone else know celery had B6 & pantothenic acid & riboflavin (B2)? I had no idea. 

Haha I fail

I was an hour late to the first Tea Time... (got to talk to Peri though which was awesome!) and then didn't make the second one because I was having a break down... cried on and off (mostly on) from about 3-5 :/
So... taking requests for times! I'm going to be there again at 5 central time (instead of 4.. >.>) Thursday, and so will Peri, what times would be good for you guys?
http://tinychat.com/hungryanbored
Go ahead and use this chat room to set up your own Tea Time chats or whatever you want <3 I love that you don't need an account on here to join in lol don't forget to drop by and tell me what time if you decide to make one, I'd love to join in!

I'm in love with my new pj pants lol
Also, found an exotic cat breeder about 1 hour & 30 min away from where Matt lives, and he said next time I'm up there he'll take me out to see them!! <3 I'm super excited

I typoed Tea Time date >.>

I said 16, I meant 15, I'll just be there both nights!
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html Go to UTC/GMT and put in Thursday, September 16 (or 15!), 2011 at 21:00:00/9pm (no minutes) and then in the second one put in your location, and that'll be what time/day it will be for you. 

Hmm

Tea Time is still on! http://tinychat.com/hungryanbored 

http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html Go to UTC/GMT and put in Thursday, September 16, 2011 at 21:00:00/9pm (no minutes) and then in the second one put in your location, and that'll be what time/day it will be for you. 

Hope this picture helps anyone who might be confused! You can also email me at Strivetostarve@yahoo.com or msg me on my tumblr http://hungryandbored.tumblr.com/ I accept anon msgs if you're embarrassed to ask.. I know I get that way sometimes. Hit me up if you don't get something or with a request for the next date! I wanna talk to all of you lovelys, you can ask me whatever you want, ask eachother things, ask for advice or just talk about some random things! I want our chat room to be a haven for us, recruit whoever you want, go check it out whenever you want to see if someone else is in there (I just randomly have it open sometimes even now when I know hardly anyone even knows about it xD)

Storytime,

All the seniors were gathered into the cafeteria friday, and called by height to the gym, to line up for pictures. My friend seemed freaked out by the whole thing 'Its like a Holocaust, I wish I'd been sick today, oh god we're all going to die' she kept saying (I have some weird friends). I don't know if she was actually scared or not (but she was fidgeting a lot, so I think she was kinda creeped out) but she freaked me out a lot. I'm one of the shortest people in my class, so all my friends were gone and I was in the last group to be called, and I was a little freaked being alone like that. So freaked that I overcame my antisocial tendencies and sat next to someone, who thankfully turned out to be very nice. But anyway, the point of this is that the whole senior class was funneled into the gym and I ended up in front of some girl I hadn't seen in about two years, and she said my name, with a questioning tone, I turned around and she exclaimed "Oh my god it is you! Holy shit, when did you get so skinny? You're like, anorexic looking," All I said was that I lost weight from stress at work and that I'm not anorexic skinny. Because I'm not. But it still made me very happy. 

Tea Time anyone?

Today I remembered something Bite Me did a long time ago, her idea was to have us all brew up a pot of tea or coffee or something, get together somewhere online, and chat in real time. Hence, Tea Time. It was a whole lot of fun, but she then she left blogger and it kinda died I guess, I don't know if anyone else uses it or not... I don't even remember the site. But anyway, someone on a weightloss tumblr I follow invited her followers to join her in tinychat, and I joined and it was fun and I remembered that long time ago when a bunch of girls from blogger got in a chatroom together and thought 'I'd really like to do that again'
So, I made myself a TinyChat profile to host it http://tinychat.com/hungryanbored, you don't even have to make a profile to join the chat, just click the link, give yourself a nickname, and start talking. Webcam  optional. (I'll use mine if at least one other person will use theirs! <3)  I named it after my Tumblr because, well, it was someone on Tumblr that gave me the idea.
http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html Go to UTC/GMT and put in Thursday, September 16, 2011 at 21:00:00/9pm (no minutes) and then in the second one put in your location, and that'll be what time/day it will be for you!

Pickles.

I have a jar of pickles bigger than my head.

Pickles and heated spaghetti sauce. My mom said it was gross but I love it xD was dinner. 

Dear Universe,

I'm sorry I waste so much of your space, air, and such. Really, all of that could be put to better use. I don't know why I'm still alive. I'm sorry.
Sincerely, a bunch of molecules that could really be put to better use.

So, discovery, I have had a lot of panic attacks. And I didn't even know it. I had a panic attack the other day, thank god Neverfit explained almost right away what it was, I had no idea what was happening. I was curled up in the corner, terrified if I moved too much something really bad was going to happen, and crying and thinking I'd finally lost it.. I texted neverfit and she helped by telling me what was going on, then managed to move to the bed once I knew what it was, and when I started thinking about it, I realized this has happened before. Just never in the day, or in the light. I never knew I'd had panic attacks, I just thought for some reason the normal childhood terror in the dark had, for some reason, never gone away for me. But now I think I've been having panic attacks at night, not every night, and I'm sure they'd be considered mild, but I get scared, and I have to get under the covers, and then I'm scared to move, and I have trouble breathing deeply, feeling like something is going to get me or something bad is going to happen no matter how many times I tell myself it's all in my head and I'm safe in a house and humans have killed all the big bad monsters already, and if bad ghosts that just wanted to kill people existed we'd have heard a lot more about them already, I'm still terrified.

Also, I've decided I'm going to buy a Breville One-Touch Tea Maker. Yes, it deserves all those caps.


 "It heats water to the correct temperature for your tea, lowers the tea basket automatically into the water, and, at the correct time, auto-lifts the basket to prevent oversteeping. It will keep your tea warm for up to 60 minutes. Tea made simply. Makes up to 50 oz of tea at a time. Brushed stainless steel base with a stainless steel tea basket and a glass jug. Works in 120v, 1500 watts, 60hz" 
"Fully programmable for all types of tea, water temperatures, and steep times. The moving tea basket allows water to circulate freely around the individual tea leaves for maximum infusion. Set the timer and wake up to the aroma of your favorite brew. The German-made Schott glass kettle is durable and stain resistant."


I've checked many different sites, and found no negative reviews that can be taken seriously. A few comments (few and far between) about things people might like to see on it, but always something that would just make something a bit better for that person because of that persons preferences/lifestyle. Often with a disclaimer that this little thing in no way decreases the overall value and amazingness of the product. Amazon didn't even turn up more than a few bad reviews (which were either whining about how Breville has bad costumer service and you shouldn't buy from them, or were just super whiny about other stupid stuff), and that says something.

I'm really tired of using my parents coffee maker, I have to clean it out every time or their coffee apparently tastes funny (I forget to do that a lot), and I can't control the temp/steep time so I don't get the best out of my tea with that. Alternatively if I try to boil the water and get it to the right temp and use a timer, almost without fail, I forget about it, don't hear the timer, or hear the timer but am in the middle of something and think 'I'll go get it as soon as I'm done' but then have forgotten about it by the time I'm done. I don't have the attention span to stand there and watch the damn thing.

So, I really want this, and it costs 250$ which might be a deterrent if I didn't want the goal of getting it as much as I want the actual thing. By 'the goal of getting it' I mean having a goal for my money, to keep me from spending it carelessly on food. I love collecting money, but when I don't have a goal for it, it often ends up being spent stupidly (on food).

Dear You

Peri has asked me to write a letter to whomever about whatever. I must commence with "Dear you" and am only allowed to use pronouns.

Uhm...

ok

Dear You,

You've been there as long as I can remember, even when I fight with you. I've brushed off your worry and sneered at your concern and still you worry and concern yourself over me, why?  

We barely see each other, but if I need you I know you'll be there. Sometimes I hate myself for keeping so many secrets from you, but I can't let you try to help me. I don't understand why, but I know you'd destroy yourself trying to help me. And it kills me. 

It kills me that I can't always be there for you, that I can't be perfect for you and help you. I wish I could go back in time and help you get everything you deserve. You deserve a wonderful husband, and children, I know how much you love them, and just so much more than life gave you. 

You have so much talent, but you won't believe it, even now you have so much potential that you just can't seem to see. I think in some ways you're as frightened as I am. 

I hope that you know how much I love you.

To write letters now I choose, Perfect,  BirdBirdBird, Honor and Mich.

Time?

Time seems a little odd to me lately, like I'm not quite connected with it, or sometimes maybe I'm hyper-aware of it somehow? Vixys 'the moments last a lifetime, but the years they go so fast' usually seems accurate, I'm waiting for something to end, always waiting for the next thing to begin, but I look back and think 'where did all that time go?' but not right now. Since school started, everything just seems fast, the school day goes by so fast. I think it might be because I went from working from 8-6 and then going to school from 6-9 to just having 8:25-3:25 and then its over. The rest of the day is mine, but then that seems to pass so quickly too, doesn't 'your time' always? At the end of every day I'm left thinking, where did that day go?

I'm still maintaing, but I swear thats about to change. I can feel it the motivation coming back, I'm wanting to shrink away again. I lost the drive for awhile, I wanted it but I kept thinking of reasons I shouldn't, now though, those nagging little 'but why?' voices are starting to get answers. I keep seeing girls that are thinner than me, prettier, I cant change how pretty I am, but I can get thinner.

Seeing these girls in person is just so much more of a thinspo for me than pictures.. you know? Because they're actually there and I feel the need to compete.

And they all look so happy..

I don't like not being the thinnest girl around.. hell, in my bio class the thinnest is a guy and I'm still jealous.

Not only am I jealous of that flat stomach and ribs, I would fuck him (if I wasn't with matt of course, fucked up I may be but a cheater I am not). I think that is an absolutely gorgeous body.. (and I want his necklace, and I have an asian fetish. No joke, the only thing that could possibly make matt any better is if he looked asian (LOL auto correct tried to make that avian! I am not into birds autocorrect!!)). I've only had a few sexual dreams that weren't centered on an asian. Like, two guys, and a few girls. Since we're on sexuality here, most of my sexual dreams have been of females.. Three of guys, one ex, Matt, and one asian guy I had a huuge crush on (and still kinda wanna fuck..). All the rest, female. And plenty of those xD
Yay for random sexualness!

Bento + nails

those are over and done with already 

I actually think the face turned out kinda cute. I did Nyan Cat because Matty loves Nyan Cat. 

If you dont know what Nyan Cat is go educate yourself. 

I shouldnt be up right now, its three in the morning, I have to be up for school in about four hours, but matt and I were fighting. I don't even know who was wrong or right, I kinda think he's right, I sure feel like everything I am is just wrong, but somehow I managed to cling to my flimsy logic simply because I wanted him to give in and say hes sorry and that it wasn't wrong for me to want to be coddled a little. Even though it really was stupid and he has every reason to be mad at me for being a kill joy, I wish he would have just given me a few moments so I could have gotten over my freak out instead of saying I need to just throw my fear to the wind and do something. It's just that easy for him, and I don't understand how it is, I wish I did and I wish I could do it but I don't and I can't and I wish he could understand that and just.. not tell me he feels like he'd have to treat me like a little kid. 

Sorry about that, I just needed to whine. He said 'go to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow' but I dont know if I can sleep. I kinda wanna go bang my head against the wall, or run, or something. I would if it didn't make noise. Instead I guess I'm going to go lay down and wish I could cry still, because my head hurts and it feels like it needs to come out but it can't for some stupid reason. 

I'm so mad at myself..

Bento Boxes

Aren't they adorable? I've recently decided I need one of these boxes. I don't really need to fill it with anything besides salad and veggies. Maybe a rice ball here and there. These things are pretty small too, the top one's supposed to hold about a 3-400 calorie meal, and the bottom one 600 calories, but thats an estiment for if you use them 'right' with the larger bottom piece filled with rice or noodles or some pure carb and the top 2 part veggie 1 part protein. I'd probably fill the bottom with veggies (salad anyone?) and maybe protein then put fruit or maybe rice in the top. Rice is good.. and I want to learn to make rice balls.

I filled a little empty food coloring bottle with soy sauce. I'm gonna bring veggies monday in a little tuba-wear  

I somehow managed 90.4 yesterday morning, after a b/p the night before.. spaghetti is evil. Just sayin.

I've gotten reallyreally bad at tracking my calories. I've tried to the last few days and just failed completely. I kinda broke down to Matt, he must think I'm crazy. 

I feel sorry for my dad, he apparently asked mom if she was making dinner the wrong way and shes screaming now. The fuck is wrong with this woman? She just brought us up, her kids. "They don't think I'm crazy because I don't do this to them" its getting really hard not to go down there and say "Don't believe her, she does. She's the one that's always in the wrong, not you," and now she's screaming at Adam. I wish he would punch that fucking bitch more often. Rip out her fucking voice box so she can't do this shit. Poor daddy.. 

day one, back to school

So, got my schedual. It's interesting. I have to take three p.e. classes, which I'm totally ok with. One first semester and two second. One of them is individual sports, which includes archery, which is awesome lol I'm gonna pretend I'm a blood elf hunter! xD
I have some other girl who came from night school in my lunch/study hall hour and math class, I have psychology first semester and sociology second. Two writing classes each semester, and wildlife biology. I'm going to miss my art class a lot though, I even asked if I could do art instead of lunch, apparently there's a state law that students have to have a lunch hour.. pissed me off..

Day one for diet, 300.
Planned breakfast-eaten- (one full egg (70)& one egg white (17) scrambled w/soymilk(30) ) so that was about 55 since I only had half.
Planned lunch-eaten-1c mixed berrys (80) and a few chunchs of dried papaya (30) and one square of dark chocolate (55) since I didn't eat all my breaky.

Haven't had the planned dinner yet which is a cup of veggies (50) and a half cup spaghetti sauce (30)
So, projected total, 300 on the nose.
Also, about to go swimming, so yay for burning cals there.
Edit~ went swimming, then went to subway, friend bought me a 6" sandwich without asking and I couldn't resist, I took off the top half of the bread though, and some of the meat and cheese. So, I kinda failed, but I'm about to go get on the treadmill and not get off till I've burnt 300 cal.
Also, I had an idea for the bucket of dried fruit my aunt bought me, I'm chopping it up and adding it to my teas to make super fruity teas! Its not that strange an idea, actually, since if you look at it a lot of teavanas teas already have dried fruit.
 (Why does dried pineapple have to be so delicious? Need to use that up quiiick...)

I'm not regular.

No... I meant on blogger.. there ya go. 

I go for days without posting, and suddenly all I want to do is blog. Hmm, where to start? I've set up a pseudo-abc diet on my ipod, starting Wednesday, tomorrow, the day I go back to school. Holy fuck I'm going to see people tomorrow. I don't know how much I weight. I didn't sleep last night so I could go to sleep early tonight. My mouth feels drry. My diet has cal ranging from 400-800 on weekends and 0-600 on weekdays. Caffeine is a beautiful thing. 

I.. acquired.. more stuff. Truvia, two more luna bars (I fucking love those things), another card pack (still no dragonhawk T.T) and some kiddys garden fiber gummy thingies that are yummy. 

Made daddy take me shopping, got bags of frozen veggies/fruits. Will prob be having fruitys for lunch most days. GIANT bag of frozen berries ftw. Also, mango. Yum. 

What else? Oh, finally decided to get rid of some of the friends that don't act like it on facebook. I'm so tired of seeing people I'm supposed to be close to inviting people places and never me. Cried because of that today. Tried to tell one of them and he said something to the effect of 'well now that you've told me about it I cant because then I'll just be doing it because you told me to'... thanks dick. I'm done with them.

They will be gone next week. I don't wanna do it while the fires still hot or they'll notice and make shit about it.  Once I've faded back into the backround, I'll just leave quietly.

Its a new year and ALL of them are out of here anyway! (they all graduated.. I've always been the young one) I gotta make some new my age friends. I'm gonna, I'm not going to be the quiet girl this year, I'm gonna use what I learned observing in nightschool (there's a much more concentrated 'cool kid' population there, much better for research)  and be loud(er) and be heard for once god damnit I will! 

Fuck I'm tired.

Shopping trip. Kinda. And pictures.

First, navy pier pics I totally forgot my cousin had taken. If you're on my fb you've already seen them, 

My cousin on the right there, isn't she pretty? I want my hair that long. And I kinda hope I get that tall too. Maybe just one or two inches?

This one makes me laugh 'cause it kinda makes Matt look fat.

Mhm, shopping trip. One, my mom actually took me. I got some boring school clothes, which is cool because you have no idea how much I needed them. I also bought some new teavana teas! 

The raspberry riot lemon maté, with the same caffeine content of coffee. 

And

Superfruit unity green tea, because fruity + green tea = yum.

Then I also went on a 'shopping' trip with my friends. 'Shopping' because none of us actually bought anything.

 Cute little pez thing

Two luna bars and a wow card pack. (I need more wow card packs! I want my dragonhawk mount!! *nerd*)

And this thing, its a makeup bag, but I'm gonna be using it for random crap because I tend to carry a lot of crap and if I don't have a see-through bag I dump everything out and it takes too much time to put it all back and leads to things being dropped and getting strange looks. 

As for today, I'm not sure what possessed me to think letting one of my old fat habits surface two days before school starts was a good idea. I made a sugar sandwich. Not as bad as the old ones which involved a casserole dish lined with bread, peanutbutter, iceing, honey, extra powdered sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, toffee and whatever else I could find then topped with bread and possibly ice cream, but still not good. Actually, thinking about it, compared to that, icing bread and ice cream doesn't seem so bad. BUT RIGHT BEFORE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL IT IS.. I'm gonna go run up and down the stairs since my brother is gone for the next hour and a half.

Mom..

She fought with me until I cried because my little brother was hyper today (I didn't regulate how much ice cream he ate.. was busy cleaning >.>) and he annoyed her so she decided to yell at me about not running him around enough. I got mad after I told her I'd take him to the pool or the park every day this week to make up for it and she said 'Oh it's not worth it, I thought i could save some money having you watch him but you obviously dont ever do anything with or for him so I'll just send him to cathys (daycare) and not take you shopping' (that would be the shopping for school clothes I've been begging her to do since I have barely gotten anything new since freshman year and I'm now a senior and my clothes are almost all too big). So I got pissed, and we fought. I ended up crying, and complained to Matt who cheered me up with-

Matty Oppa says (10:10 PM)

your mom is like... this little knotted ball of fucked up.
Matty Oppa says (10:11 PM)
like... most human brains are like brand new balls of yarn, no frays or knots, lined up in little rows so nicely
but your mom.... she's like a 12 year old ball of hemp twine.
Matty Oppa says (10:12 PM)

its scratchy and dirty, knots form on their own, the rows are all fucked up and frayed, and the ends are split

Matty Oppa says (10:13 PM)

at this point, it makes a better fire starter than craft material.

Yup, that's my baby.


`Then when she came upstairs and found me crying, she started crying and said it wasn't me she was mad at it was the rest of the world and the damn government (they decided she was not in fact qualified for food stamps apparently, not that I'm too surprised since no matter how badly the business is doing she does still own it). So, she decided she's taking a big check out of somewhere mysterious and we're going shopping with it. Not that I really believe that's going to happen, she said it in an over-emotional state and you can barely trust things she says in a non-emotional state so.. I dunno. Wish me luck? I do hope she follows through, I just don't expect it.

Hmm

Well don't I feel like a bitchy bitch. We didn't talk the whole day after he said that in the morning, then when he came home from work at night the next day, he msged me. I said something like 'I thought you didn't want to talk to me' and we got into a whole.. discussion I guess, not a fight but was like on the edge the whole time.
Finally he said he meant he wanted to talk about nothing serious for a few days, but still to talk to me.
That made me feel a bit better, but the less thing was still bothering me, so I asked him to do something for me, I said that if he wanted to talk less the least he could do was be the one to start the conversations while we're on this break. I've tried to explain why I like that before and it hasn't worked, or at least he hasn't understood, so I asked him to just accept that I like it and do it for me and I'll do my best to avoid any serious topics for him, and we ended up staying up till almost 2 am and staying happy (almost, but I didn't mention it) the whole time.
And this morning he texted me kinda early, which has barely ever happened, I've almost always been the first to text him, even if he's up before me, unless I'd asked him the night before to text me in the morning. This time though, his text woke me up. I liked that, it made me smile to see it was him.
Thank you to the lovely girls that commented on my last post, especially Perfect for cheering me up with stumbleupon.com and Honor for some good advice. Honor is really good for that. Anyone who's not following them should be!


I really need to work on this flying off the handle thing, when will I get it through my thick skull that he really does love me? He's not going anywhere. 

Taking a break.

Edit~I forgot to mention, most of the fighting was because I wanted to talk more/him to call me or something along those lines. I feel like he's punishing me.
He wants to take a break, not breakup he said, but not talk so we have some time to emotionally recharge since we've been fighting so much. Ok, I said. I hope this break energizes him enough to help me get over this. I'm going to completely lose it. I've already started, actually.
Thoughts from the Twisted mind of me.
"Its because he can't stand talking to me"
"I can't believe I'm so terrible he needs to take a break from me"
"I should end this relationship so I can starve myself to death in peace"
"It'll be doing both of us a favor if I just go die"
"Why can't he talk to me?"
"Why is he even still dating me? Maybe he just likes tormenting me with these kinds of things and the girl he really loves is there laughing about it with him"
"Maybe he's getting back at woman for what his EX did to him"
"I don't want to live if he doesn't love me, he's all I have, all my future has been rebuilt around him, before him my plan was to party and die before 30, should I go back to that plan?"
(seriously, in like 5th grade I'd already decided to become a prostitute to pay for the partying and drugs that would kill me before 30 so I didn't have to deal with getting old like the grandma who's mind I watched die long before her body stopped moving, dementia scares me more than burning alive, drowning, bleeding out, being eaten alive by acid, having my skin flayed off and organs shoved down my throat, or any other kind of death)
"How will I even be able to enjoy that now that he's made me want a kid and given me hope that I'll be able to sleep next to someone who cares every night"
"I'm so scared... what if he doesn't ever come back from this 'break'?"
"What if he just needs time to think of a way to break up with me?"

Sometimes getting to be a smart ass can really cheer you up

Liz making eggs (I'm italicized) can you believe your dad yelled at me because I didnt know the difference between butter and margarine? *she gets out the margarine for my eggs*
Eww don't use that
What? You dont want butter?
Thats margarine
Oh, so you want animal fat instead of vegetable fat? I thought you were the healthy one
Well, thats hydrogenated vegetable fat actually and I want neither, I want olive oil.
You little smart ass

I love my cousin xD I wish I'd said something about the yolk though, she made two eggs with yolk. I ate one and stuck the other in the fridge when she wasn't looking, I'll have it for lunch or maybe just toss it.. dunno.
I'm gonna go comment on everyones posts now, I feel so bad that I haven't been. I'm still sick though, I've been having random pains all over my body and my mom refuses to take me to the doctor. I honestly kind of hope I get so sick they have to carry me to the car and take me to the emergency room so they will know I wasn't lying.. its kinda funny, I'm doing the same thing here that I do with food, I'm taking cranberry pills and half-resting, because as much as I want that I'm scared of letting it get that far, but I'm most certainly not doing everything I could to get better.

I kinda feel bad but..

Some reblogged above pic into my tumblr with the comment 'perfect'.. I honesty have trouble seeing how someone could look at ^ and think she's more beautiful than these

<3 her