I'm a basket case, crazy, mental. I told Matt today I didn't believe he loved me, I'm not sure why I'm not even sure if I believed it when I said it. I'm not sure if I believe it right now. I'm kind of pissed off at him for me eating. I'm pissed off that even when he makes me mad I end up wishing that he were here to hold me. I get mad over the stupidest shit and then get madder when he gets mad back, because of course it's stupid, and of course it's shit, I know that and of course he has ever reason to be angry at me but god damnit I just want to be held! I want to be told to shut up because it's going to be ok and he's going to hold me and he still loves me. If he told me to shut up and followed it with something like that I'd be happy as could be because I'm just that fucking mental. I don't want to let him know how pathetic I am and so I end up getting madder when he tries to figure out what I'm mad about. I don't want him to know how much I just don't even understand it myself half the time and how much I wish he would tell me to shut up because of course he cares when I say I don't feel like he does. He argues and argues with me and I do it too, and we'll both argue till one of us just plain brakes down. I think I might want him to owe me something for being the reason I'm eating, and of course that's stupid, he'd probably think that's stupid if I told him. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave, leave and let me starve to death. But that's stupid too, he's not doing anything to keep me here, it's my choice, I unjustly want him to be responsible for my choice, which he has no reason to even think he has any right to be. I don't know what I want. I want him. I want him to help me, get better? I want him to leave and let me starve if he doesn't give me what I want. I don't want to leave him, I won't.
I think I might be pushing him away and not letting him even guess at why, but I'm also telling him I don't want him to leave, that I want to spend my life with him. The poor boy must be tearing at the seams, but I am too, and I don't know what to do for either of us. So this leaves me at, I won't leave him. I kind of hope he leaves me, but I'll fight to keep him if he tries, because what else am I supposed to do? He's the only reason for me to live, the only reason I want to have to live. Of course I'm going to fight, even if I kind of just want it over with.
Sorry for the rant, I just need to tell someone that won't argue with me.