Sunday, September 1, 2013

I'm just so angry

all the time. I've always been angry or sad but never this much, and never always angry. I don't know how to deal with this. Always before I knew what I wanted. I want to be smiled at, I want to be distracted,, it won't go away, so just distract me, that's easy, that's old, that's familiar.
That is what I want. But it isn't now. What do I want?
What is this anger?  I've been hurt, so hurt, I can't be sad. I want to be sad again, my mind assaults me with reasons that this is my fault, I can't believe them anymore, but I crave punishment anyway. This is my fault, I deserve to hurt. I could have made things so much easier, just be happy. I could have distracted him somehow, I knew what was happening, I could have made myself desirable again. I knew, I knew and I could have changed it. I couldn't have, but I know I could have, if I'd just tried harder. I couldn't have because I didn't know how, I wasn't sure,  I was being paranoid, I didn't try harder because I wanted to trust and believe that his love, our love, was real. I wanted to and I did, about as much as I could, even though I knew, I knew.
I could have changed it. There was nothing I could do. I'm right, I love him, he was just confused and hurt, because I'm horrible, I'm angry, I'm mean, I'm oppressive. I'm cold in anger, the worst kind, no passion, no heat, no light. He will wither and die under my anger, and there's nothing I can do, I'm always angry. I can leave, but I can't. I really really can't. I'm trying, I hurt him like I hurt me, I don't want to. I'm just horrible.
Nothing I can do. I'm helpless, I'm hopeless, I'm vile, I'm cold.
 I can die. I want to die.
I'm pathetic.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Oopse I did it again...

So, just a few weeks ago my bf of 3 years broke up with me. Lied about wanting to date my friend, dated her, dumped her, and tried to get back with me. Made my first good decision, said no to him, then made the second good one, to continue with moving to Chicago even though I wouldn't be with him. Which I then immediately followed with a string of bad ones.
1. let a guy I'd just met know I was interested in him (because I knew he was interested in me)
2. say yes when this guy asked me out (how did I completely forget my resolution to stay single for a year?)
3. (this might be the worst) MOVE IN WITH HIM............ derp (I've known him for... four weeks now? Yea. Derp)
4. Have sex with him

So... I'm obviously having second thoughts about this dude. I've already decided to cut and run this weekend. I feel like shit. He pretty much adores me (he.. might have said he thinks he loves me >.>)... and he really is a great guy (and thank god because I moved in with him pretty blindly)... but I just can't deal with this. If I had waited longer.. this would probably work out. I'm just so stupid.
On the upside, who can eat with all this stress?
T.T I want my scale. I'm having scale withdrawals.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Fucked up & triggered

One of my friends is dating a guy with a 14 year old girl. About a week ago she was admitted to the hospital, at 65lbs. She is about my height. I'm trying to be supportive, I'm really trying my best, but honestly I'm jealous, so very fucking jealous that this young girl got her bmi so much lower than mine, and rather than being happy FOR HER that they caught her, and put her in treatment, I'm spitefully happy that they're making her gain weight. I'm so ashamed of myself, both for feeling like this about that poor girl, and for being such a failure at losing weight. How long have I been at almost the same weight, doing nothing to change my body for the better? A year now? I'm sure I've been losing muscle and gaining fat, so I'm worse off and at the same weight from a year ago, it's only a matter of time if I keep this up that my body starts gaining enough fat to show up on the scale. God this is awful  I need to change.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Picture spam because, why not?

I've been compared to Pinky Pie a lot by brony friends, I dunno, I like this though.
You guys know I have a bird?

He is the cutest bird.
This looks like fun. I wanna go to a beach, who wants to take me to a beach? 
This girl was in my art class, she has da muscles. SHE ISN'T EVEN BI THOUGH.
I got so embarrassed for hitting on her so much then finding out she was completely straight x_x
Did I ever put up a prom photo? This was me getting ready for prom, I don't actually have many pictures from AT it...
but Matty changed into his dress & I did his makeup after we left the religious-parents house. He was so gorgeous, and no one realized he was a guy, in fact,
several guys we didn't know came over to dance, and hit on him.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Mommie Dearest..

I was arguing with her last night. I hardly remember what started it. I just know that it got to the point, as it often does, where she tells me how stupid my life choices are, because they're not in line with her values, because they aren't what she wants me to do. Ok, ok, I've heard this all before, noting to blog about here. BUT THEN, she does something she's never done to me before. This little line right here "Starving yourself won't make you worth anything," or maybe she said worthwhile. She has often hinted that she knows I try not to eat, but she's never done this before, she actively acknowledged the fact that I often don't eat, and frankly she might as well have said "I don't give a shit if you starve to death if you don't do what I think will make you worthy,"

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I've been feeling like crap

I left andy, I'm with Matt again, and I got a hell of a nasty shock when I went to visit him.. when we were dating before, he was sexting some other girl. Cutesy messages, and graphic pictures and all. And he lied to me about it to my face, he'd spoken of her, and when I questioned further he'd called her older, ugly, and heavy.  So, obviously, I didn't worry too much about it. Well, she's only three years older than him, face isn't pretty, but her body is only heavy because of her boobs, ass, and muscle which I got to see all of on his phone. I wish I hadn't gone though it now, I didn't want to know all of this.
It's true he hasn't gotten or sent any dirty messages on the phone or facebook since we've been back together, but he admitted he talks to her on sites that aren't so easy to trace and they have also 'been friends since he was 14' so he's not willing to stop talking to her. Which I guess I don't have the right to ask anyway, and I haven't really asked, just said once that I wished he would.
The main problem is that I don't trust him now. The Matt I thought I knew would have told me everything, but this one tried to hide it away, and he even kept the messages. Seems that if he was really going to stop and wanted to hide it, he'd have at least deleted them.. I feel like he's not going to stop, I shouldn't be reacting so strongly, I'm hiding half my reaction and he still says that is too much, which I disagree with, but the whole of what I feel IS too much.
Why do I feel so strongly for this boy, when breaking the hearts of any other has never been a problem for me? I think my karma is going to catch up with me, and he's going to ruin me soon, in the most heart wrenching way possible. By lying and letting me find out on my own that he isn't mine anymore. I think it knows I don't have the power to resist letting myself go to him. I think it knows he has the power to kill me. I think that's what it wants.
On.. the upside I guess, my weight is falling again. Finally, I've managed to stay under 90 for awhile. It helps that I've been working out. ALSO, my mom made me take some sausage and egg she made this morning, and my stomach just went NOPE and I got sick about 15/20 minutes later. None of it was even digested like at all. I think I've been avoiding fat for so long, that my body just rejected it.