all the time. I've always been angry or sad but never this much, and never always angry. I don't know how to deal with this. Always before I knew what I wanted. I want to be smiled at, I want to be distracted,, it won't go away, so just distract me, that's easy, that's old, that's familiar.
That is what I want. But it isn't now. What do I want?
What is this anger? I've been hurt, so hurt, I can't be sad. I want to be sad again, my mind assaults me with reasons that this is my fault, I can't believe them anymore, but I crave punishment anyway. This is my fault, I deserve to hurt. I could have made things so much easier, just be happy. I could have distracted him somehow, I knew what was happening, I could have made myself desirable again. I knew, I knew and I could have changed it. I couldn't have, but I know I could have, if I'd just tried harder. I couldn't have because I didn't know how, I wasn't sure, I was being paranoid, I didn't try harder because I wanted to trust and believe that his love, our love, was real. I wanted to and I did, about as much as I could, even though I knew, I knew.
I could have changed it. There was nothing I could do. I'm right, I love him, he was just confused and hurt, because I'm horrible, I'm angry, I'm mean, I'm oppressive. I'm cold in anger, the worst kind, no passion, no heat, no light. He will wither and die under my anger, and there's nothing I can do, I'm always angry. I can leave, but I can't. I really really can't. I'm trying, I hurt him like I hurt me, I don't want to. I'm just horrible.
Nothing I can do. I'm helpless, I'm hopeless, I'm vile, I'm cold.
I can die. I want to die.