seething

I FINALLY went to the doctor. They didn't weigh me. I've been maintaining  this god damn fugly weight for nothing!!! I'm pissed. I'm so done, I'm going no where but down from here. At least now I know that place won't weigh me.

Here goes

I got 

Award! 

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

Thank you Lottie<3 and Perfect Oxymoron!! <3<3
2. Share seven things about yourself.

Hum.. 

1. These things always take me forever, I'll put something down & go 'Thats too lame' and redo it five times. 

2. Oh, I have a tumblr! Visit me? Anyone?? Just ask a random question as anon even! lol

3. My new favorite song is "Love you madly" by Cake just because Matty pulled it up and went "This is so totally our song!" 

4. For those of you who do not yet know, I'm a World of Warcraft geek! FOR THE HORDE xD

5. I'm a recovered cutter. I'm not a recovered self-harmer though. I bruised myself yesterday...

6. Sometimes I think of Matt and the child he wants and I eat something healthy, I usually wish I hadn't  afterwards, mostly.. but there's always a little worm of happiness knowing I did something he would want me to. 

7. If he leaves me, I have little doubt this will kill me. I will NEVER tell him that, not even while he's leaving.

3. Bestow this honour onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

Mae

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them 

I know I skimped on the last part, I'm just soo terrible at that and everyone probably has this anyway xD

I'm just kinda woah right now

I somehow got to 92.5 O.o 

It was morning, so of course I was empty, and crazy thirsty so a little dried out too.. Probably mostly water weight... But still! .5 pounds away from my lowest weight =D 

And for everyone who has been asking for a photo of my ring, I finally feel good enough to post one

My hip bones, one of the few things I love about me <3

Anyway, I discovered 0 calorie syrup in vanilla and caramel at target the other day, bought the vanilla one and used it in my oolong tea this morning, soooo good! And today while wandering around the dollar general ogling food (I do this a lot... don't bring any money and walk to stores just to look at food) I saw they too had a 0 calorie syrup in vanilla and caramel for only a dollar! The target one is like four dollars. It doesn't even advertise being 0 cal or sugar free or anything, I wouldn't have known it were if I weren't into the habit of checking the label of anything that catches my eyes, I'll definitely buy that and give it a review in a few days. I don't remember what it was called.. sorry :/ I do remember it said it was a gourmet coffee syrup. 

I got a blogger award that I meant to do, but I kept getting distracted while I was writing this and now I have to leave, so I'll post that tomorrow 

Love you all <3
Quick edit;
I just used the syrup in green tea which I wasnt sure about and it tastes great in that too! Even better with a pack of sweet&low

I really, really hate doctors.

Mom decided to push it back to friday, I had a mini binge that tuesday, now I'm restricting. The doctor can stfu, I'll wear heavy layers and chug water and put things in my pockets.
http://www.banglz.com/ I really wish I had these right now.. the two pound ankle set and one pound wrist set.. I'd be wearing them 24/7. I will be getting them eventually.
If I start at 94 and lose one pound a week I can be 89 for my birthday and 88 for mattys weekend. This is my goal.

GOD DAMN FUCKING DOCTOR

HIFBUK SFYHESUIHFJHDFB UIS
I was just informed I'm going to see the doctor monday.
NOT HAPPY, as I'm sure you can imagine.
No fasting for me just yet >.<
I'm not going to pig out either though, nonono
I'm going to eat a little and take a small dose of vitamins with every meal.
Eat salty the two days before I go and drink a fuckton the maybe a half hour before to add water weight & then tuesday will be a fast and I'll start going at this for real.
Only going to eat in front of parents starting now. And must eat infront of parents once a day, aside from fast days.
Also, need to start asking for beauty products and clothes at the store instead of anything with calories. I finally found some natural shampoos at target! (they aren't actually in the shampoo isle >.>) I miss making my hair smell good when I wash it xD Going to get a lavender shampoo and mint conditioner (or vis versa..) because I held them to my nose together and ooooh my god they smell sooo good together <3<3

Hmm.. out of curiosity, what's your favorite scent combo? 

90

90 by my birthday, May 7th, that should be easy, 4 pounds in 6 weeks? Haha... this is me we're talking about. But I'm going to do it. And when I get to 90? I'm ganna celebrate with a fucking fast because then I need to get to 88.

Perfection...

Abs & tan, tell me she doesn't work that & you lie

Water bottle. You go girl.

No honey, that's not attractive. Please pull your shirt down and your pants up.

Do not want.

What is with fatties wanting to show off their fat? Really, do you see the strain on her poor pants? 

Finally moving down again..

Finally. It's been too long, seeing that same stupid number on the scale just feels like such a fail, but today I was on the scale and... 94.7 down from 95.8 yesterday morning... I miss my 92...
I want a new low weight by my birthday, by the time I see matt, I HAVE to be skinnier than last time I saw him, so under 92 at least, but I really want 88...
Such beautiful low numbers for most girls, but for me? Nope. Sometimes I hate being short...

lbm/bmi
94/18.4
92/18
88/17.2

fuck shortness

belly ring is still doing good <3
neverfit, what do I do with my emotions? Usually I ignore them, but when they've built up too much... well, if anger explodes I exercise till I'm hurting, if I'm not talking to someone (cause then I just take it out on them >.>) sometimes I channel it into motivation to start a fast, or willpower to resist 'fuck no I'm not eating your food, I'm going to be skinnier and stronger than you so HAH'.
Sadness.. usually that triggers the binge mode..
I've never dealt well with emotions.

I'm bored

http://forestmelody.tumblr.com/
anyone have a tumblr?
Or anything you wanna ask without me knowing it's you?
go for it

logic + emotion = ?!?!?!?!?!

I hate my emotions. They just don't follow logic, I can scream till I'm blue in the face about how STUPID it is to be feeling the way I am, I can argue for hours but no matter how logically sound my argument is or how loud I scream, whatever the hell I shouldn't be feeling keeps on making its stubborn fucking self felt, and whatever I should be feeling stays curled up in the best damn hidey hole I've ever not seen. 


Emotional hide and go fucking seek in my head, let me tell you, happiness is a damn good hider, second only to guilt. Guilt is just a little fucking mind fucker though, and I'm pretty sure it likes being that way. When I SHOULD be feeling it, it's nowhere to be found, and always sends the most obnoxious replacements, like giddy or dreamy or even angry. When I really have no need for it, there it is, strong as an ox and just as hard to budge.  

loose

Yeah, I am. No, not like that (ok, only 'cause I'm dating... hush) I mean.. with my words. It's like all my inhabitions melt away while I'm talking to him. A lot like here, only it's different, you know? Because he has a direct affect on my life, he knows my friends and all that jaz. Anyway, we were talking and somehow it got onto his body (which everyone knows I worship) and I don't quite remember what was being said before this, but I said something like 'Just don't get fat' and then I was mortified, why had I said that? Of course I would still love him if he was fat, it's just that it's not.. you know, physically attractive... more bluntly, I can't imagine having sex with a fat person. I feel terrible thinking like this, because emotionally it wouldn't make a difference, or so I tell myself. It shouldn't, right? I have fat friends.. but I can't imagine dating or.. really touching any of them..

Matt has told me he wouldn't care if I got fat, when I said this though he said "I think I'd cut it out, I'd be so disgusted with myself"
All I said was "We'll work out together" and he agreed, not like we hadn't already planned this, but it felt different this time.. I guess the 'so you'd feel the same?' thoughts were what did it.

I still wonder if he hasn't got a bit of an eating disorder himself.. he's just so understanding and he says things like that and he's not active and he's so skinny...

I read Purged the other night. Pretty awesome book, but the whole time I was wondering what she weighed, it was kinda distracting not knowing. Weird huh?

 I want abs. Not like, super abs, just a hint..

My eating hasn't been great.. not like, unheathy, it's been pretty healthy, there has just been too much of it and I hate how pudgy my belly is looking.. and I want to get on to finishing that thigh gap already! But I'm really scared to have my piercing get infected or something so I want it to heal up super fast and that won't happen if I'm not eating.. *sigh*

Its hard to exercise too! T.T I can't run or do situps, even leg lifts kinda bother it.. I can do pushups and arm things though so I'm focusing on my arms lately, and just going for walks.

I got in a fight with my dad over, of all things, honey. I horde food in my room, I'm not really sure why, I really don't eat it at all, I have some cans of soup, jello packages, 0cal cool-aid packs, ect. stuff I can't even make in my room. My parents have found out about this recently. Not like I really hide it, its just that I don't encourage them coming in my room and they don't do it much. Well. Dad was looking for the honey today. Note; this is an item only I ever buy because usually only I use it and I haven't been taken to the store in about a month. We haven't had honey for longer than a month, because I didn't get it last time we were there. So, dad was looking and he didn't find it, so he calls me down and asks where it is (this is logical, I'm the only one that uses it I should know) and I tell him we don't have any, he goes "Really L--? Just go bring it down," ..... again I tell him we don't have any, now he yells "God damn just bring it down! You don't need to hide it, this is fucking stupid!" so I tell him search my damn room if he wants, we don't have honey because he didn't buy it, and when was the last time I was at the store to buy it? And stalk away. A fight over honey. I couldn't even be mad about it really, just exasperated, I kinda started laughing when I got to my room. I mean what the hell is he so peeved over? Even if I was hiding the honey, is that really something that needs to be yelled over? xD

mreh

Its crooked.

and since I realized this, every time I look at it I want to take it out and redo it. I keep pushing it straight, which just hurts and is probably promoting scar tissue. I wonder if I tape it in place, can I make it heal straight? Probably not, but I've been doing that anyway. 

I think once it heals more (if I cant make it heal straight) I'm going to take the ring out and put the needle through again, just cut open enough that it'll fall straight.

Just enough to not be enough..

My friend got a kitten. I'm crazy jealous.

Feeling a little smug though, it sat in my lap the whole time I was there.

Thank you to everyone who called me brave, I really love you guys. I feel the need to point out though.. I'm not really brave.. I'm a bit of a masochist. I used to cut and bruise myself, I've stuck pins in too. Not much different. I did find out it's a little harder when you're not riding a wave of emotion that's ready to crash. The adrenalin rush was as nice as ever though, left me feeling giddy. Makes me kinda wish I hadn't given up cutting.. but I have. That's that. 

BELLY

Omfg I did it!!! That... was a bloody mess, for about three seconds, then it dried up and stopped :)
I'm glad it did bleed, I didn't think it would, but that flushed it out nicely.
Its not as painful as I kept hearing it was supposed to be, I can bend over as long as I'm careful and put some light pressure on it. Its not even red.

I'm surprised it's not so painful, cause I kinda ran into trouble after I got the needle through... I pushed down instead of pushing it up.. so it was difficult threading the ring, see you're supposed to keep the end of the ring IN the hollow needle as you pull it out... but since it was the wrong way I couldn't do that.. I got it halfway though then accidentally pulled needle too hard and it came out.. with the ring still only halfway thorough.. I couldn't get it up, the top was closing up, so I took it out & turned it over and pushed it down through the top, thinking I could open it easier if I did it from the outside instead of the inside and if I went quick I'd get through before the other side closed.
It worked!

I'll take a pic once I get over the embarrassment of it being upside down...

herp derp & thinspo!

I totally thought yesterday was the first of the month, so I fasted, but today I found out today is.. I get an extra fast day I guess xD
I really don't have much to say lately..
sorry girls :/ I'm not being the greatest commenter..
I've gotten into wow, so not really.. doing anything.. exciting enough to write about xD
my next post will probably be when my rings get here, hoping for tomorrow~!
You all deserve some fun thinspo to make up for my boringness

This is probably one of my favorite thinspo pictures ever <3 she's just sooo gorgeous!
And cute and the same time