Mommie Dearest..

I was arguing with her last night. I hardly remember what started it. I just know that it got to the point, as it often does, where she tells me how stupid my life choices are, because they're not in line with her values, because they aren't what she wants me to do. Ok, ok, I've heard this all before, noting to blog about here. BUT THEN, she does something she's never done to me before. This little line right here "Starving yourself won't make you worth anything," or maybe she said worthwhile. She has often hinted that she knows I try not to eat, but she's never done this before, she actively acknowledged the fact that I often don't eat, and frankly she might as well have said "I don't give a shit if you starve to death if you don't do what I think will make you worthy,"

I've been feeling like crap

I left andy, I'm with Matt again, and I got a hell of a nasty shock when I went to visit him.. when we were dating before, he was sexting some other girl. Cutesy messages, and graphic pictures and all. And he lied to me about it to my face, he'd spoken of her, and when I questioned further he'd called her older, ugly, and heavy.  So, obviously, I didn't worry too much about it. Well, she's only three years older than him, face isn't pretty, but her body is only heavy because of her boobs, ass, and muscle which I got to see all of on his phone. I wish I hadn't gone though it now, I didn't want to know all of this.
It's true he hasn't gotten or sent any dirty messages on the phone or facebook since we've been back together, but he admitted he talks to her on sites that aren't so easy to trace and they have also 'been friends since he was 14' so he's not willing to stop talking to her. Which I guess I don't have the right to ask anyway, and I haven't really asked, just said once that I wished he would.
The main problem is that I don't trust him now. The Matt I thought I knew would have told me everything, but this one tried to hide it away, and he even kept the messages. Seems that if he was really going to stop and wanted to hide it, he'd have at least deleted them.. I feel like he's not going to stop, I shouldn't be reacting so strongly, I'm hiding half my reaction and he still says that is too much, which I disagree with, but the whole of what I feel IS too much.
Why do I feel so strongly for this boy, when breaking the hearts of any other has never been a problem for me? I think my karma is going to catch up with me, and he's going to ruin me soon, in the most heart wrenching way possible. By lying and letting me find out on my own that he isn't mine anymore. I think it knows I don't have the power to resist letting myself go to him. I think it knows he has the power to kill me. I think that's what it wants.
On.. the upside I guess, my weight is falling again. Finally, I've managed to stay under 90 for awhile. It helps that I've been working out. ALSO, my mom made me take some sausage and egg she made this morning, and my stomach just went NOPE and I got sick about 15/20 minutes later. None of it was even digested like at all. I think I've been avoiding fat for so long, that my body just rejected it.