I left andy, I'm with Matt again, and I got a hell of a nasty shock when I went to visit him.. when we were dating before, he was sexting some other girl. Cutesy messages, and graphic pictures and all. And he lied to me about it to my face, he'd spoken of her, and when I questioned further he'd called her older, ugly, and heavy. So, obviously, I didn't worry too much about it. Well, she's only three years older than him, face isn't pretty, but her body is only heavy because of her boobs, ass, and muscle which I got to see all of on his phone. I wish I hadn't gone though it now, I didn't want to know all of this.
It's true he hasn't gotten or sent any dirty messages on the phone or facebook since we've been back together, but he admitted he talks to her on sites that aren't so easy to trace and they have also 'been friends since he was 14' so he's not willing to stop talking to her. Which I guess I don't have the right to ask anyway, and I haven't really asked, just said once that I wished he would.
The main problem is that I don't trust him now. The Matt I thought I knew would have told me everything, but this one tried to hide it away, and he even kept the messages. Seems that if he was really going to stop and wanted to hide it, he'd have at least deleted them.. I feel like he's not going to stop, I shouldn't be reacting so strongly, I'm hiding half my reaction and he still says that is too much, which I disagree with, but the whole of what I feel IS too much.
Why do I feel so strongly for this boy, when breaking the hearts of any other has never been a problem for me? I think my karma is going to catch up with me, and he's going to ruin me soon, in the most heart wrenching way possible. By lying and letting me find out on my own that he isn't mine anymore. I think it knows I don't have the power to resist letting myself go to him. I think it knows he has the power to kill me. I think that's what it wants.
On.. the upside I guess, my weight is falling again. Finally, I've managed to stay under 90 for awhile. It helps that I've been working out. ALSO, my mom made me take some sausage and egg she made this morning, and my stomach just went NOPE and I got sick about 15/20 minutes later. None of it was even digested like at all. I think I've been avoiding fat for so long, that my body just rejected it.
Ok if he's lying like that then bugger him. Ditch him and never look back, he is not worth the bullshit. He CANNOT fuck you around, CANNOT have his cake and eat it to. FUCK THAT SHIT.
ReplyDeletePeople never stop that kind of shit once they start, they just get better at lying about it. You're right to have a strong reaction to that kind of shit. When i found out that my Ex lied to me the whole time we were dating about not doing drugs anymore and not smoking anymore I wanted to find him and kick his ass around the harbour even though we'd been broken up for years!
Fuck the idea of karma, if you don't resist him he WILL fuck you up, simple as that. Fuck letting him kill you! No mere childadult should have that kind of power over you.
That fat regection happens to me if I haven't had greasy food or really sugary food in ages. My body goes "WTF IS THIS SHIT?!?! DO NOT WANT!" and throws a tanty. I don't vom, but I feel like arse for ages.
I hope you're ok, take care of yourself love *huggles*
*Snugglehug attacks!*
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you liked the photos!
You know what makes me super proud of myself? 3 of the photos you liked were taken from the window of a moving vehicle! (THROUGH the window, I wasn't hanging out of it no matter HOW tempting the breeze was!) Lol I have about 10 or 12 blurry tree and side-of-truck photos from before I go the hang of the timing ^.^
DEFINITELY make him work to regain the outer semblance of your trust. I would be incredibly wary of ever giving him my full trust again.
Not offing myself, actively at least. I've got a bit furthur down to go before I get to that point. Omg Chicago! Yes!
You are amazing and I'm so glad to have been able to meet you and talk to you like this. I'll never ever forget you, you're a permanent fixture like the constellations sailors set their course by.
Miles can't move in with me bcause my current place is even smaller than his >.< Little bro's old place is a tiny bit bigger than Miles', with a bigger yard and an extra mini-flat downstairs. Miles actually owns his house, which means if he wants to move he has to get it to a let-able standard regarding little things like broken hinges etc you generally let slide AND find tenants for it so he isn't paying double rent. Yikes. Right now we're at the number-crunching stage. Little bro's place needs a TON of work, I'm going to blog/vlog about it after work.
Love you so much. Sending you a ton of hugs. Take care of yourself and stay awesome, ok? *huggles*