I haven't been here for awhile. I miss you guys.

I sure have gotten myself into a fix, and I have no where else to spill my thoughts.. I'm.. kinda living with Andy right now. I tried to leave, and he explained so logically why I should stay here, and I wavered, but I was still going to go, but then he cried, and begged, I just felt so guilty and I couldn't help but think that he's so smart and he really does treat me well and he really seems to love me so I must be wrong, so I stayed.

And now, I'm not happy. 

I have to hide that I'm still talking to Matt, kinda, he knows but if I ever let him think I might be thinking about Matt at all while he's near me he gets really upset and makes me feel really guilty, so I have to hide it.

I'm starting to resent that, you shouldn't have to keep secrets from a lover, right?

I miss Matt.

I gave myself till the end of the month, partially to think and see if this sadness goes away, and partially because Andy's birthday is really soon and I feel so terrible for even thinking about leaving so close to that, and partially because if I went up to Chicago right now Matt wouldn't even have anything to do with me because of how badly I hurt him.

I was supposed to go visit family in Chicago to see if getting away from here helped sort out my feelings, and Matt was going to be my ride there, but I fucked things up. I knew if I told Andy Matt was my ride, he'd be angry, and I hate to have anyone angry with me, it scares me so much, so I didn't tell him. It was really harmless.. except that he specifically asked me not to lie.. and I did, and he found out. When Matt was here.

And I felt so bad that I stayed, and sent Matt back home by himself. I'm really angry at myself for that now, and I'm really really lucky that Matt didn't just tell me to go fuck myself like I really deserved, he was really angry at me for awhile.. but still my friend.. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. I think he's the last person that I'm really comfortable talking to, and I just can't lose him...

Oh, and I've been yo-yoing my weight, never above 95, never below 85. Fun times. 

/end rant

I really really miss being here.
Oh, I might be just a hint buzzed, so sorry about anything not making sense.