And now, I'm not happy.
I have to hide that I'm still talking to Matt, kinda, he knows but if I ever let him think I might be thinking about Matt at all while he's near me he gets really upset and makes me feel really guilty, so I have to hide it.
I'm starting to resent that, you shouldn't have to keep secrets from a lover, right?
I miss Matt.
I gave myself till the end of the month, partially to think and see if this sadness goes away, and partially because Andy's birthday is really soon and I feel so terrible for even thinking about leaving so close to that, and partially because if I went up to Chicago right now Matt wouldn't even have anything to do with me because of how badly I hurt him.
I was supposed to go visit family in Chicago to see if getting away from here helped sort out my feelings, and Matt was going to be my ride there, but I fucked things up. I knew if I told Andy Matt was my ride, he'd be angry, and I hate to have anyone angry with me, it scares me so much, so I didn't tell him. It was really harmless.. except that he specifically asked me not to lie.. and I did, and he found out. When Matt was here.
And I felt so bad that I stayed, and sent Matt back home by himself. I'm really angry at myself for that now, and I'm really really lucky that Matt didn't just tell me to go fuck myself like I really deserved, he was really angry at me for awhile.. but still my friend.. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. I think he's the last person that I'm really comfortable talking to, and I just can't lose him...
Oh, and I've been yo-yoing my weight, never above 95, never below 85. Fun times.
/end rant
I really really miss being here.
Oh, I might be just a hint buzzed, so sorry about anything not making sense.
Oh, I might be just a hint buzzed, so sorry about anything not making sense.
I'm so glad to hear that you're still alive! I'm missed the hell out of you, love!
ReplyDeleteAndy sounds like a manipulative and emotionally abusive fuckwad. Not cool, so not cool.
I'm pissed you had to miss a trip to Chicago because of his jealousy and manipulations. Seriously, if he's acting like this ditch his ass before he steps his game up. Because people like that do and by the time it happens you're too stuck in their clutches to escape. Soulsucking assholes.
Love you so so so much *huggles*
Yea that sounds like a mess. Andy is already on edge after basically begging you to stay and then he got a shock by seeing Matt, so Andy feels betrayed.
ReplyDeleteMatt is trying to do the friendship thing and now feels betrayed after driving all that way for nothing.
No matter what choice you make, someone is going to get hurt. The old "it's not you, it's me" is a cliche but it's often so true. You said Andy treats you well. Make sure he knows that you are grateful for his kindness & that he's a good man. And get some money together and try to give back Matt the gas money. Gas is expensive.
You ever see Buffy? In season 4 Willow is caught when Oz comes back after Willow got with Tara. It's a heartbreaking episode. The choice is made for Willow because of a condition Oz has, and somehow that makes it more heartbreaking. Your situation reminds me of that episode. It's normal for a person to beg his girl not to leave. I've done some begging myself in the past. Even tho begging is often a sign of incompatibility, it's a normal emotional reaction. And it took me time to finally let the girl go, and yea I was begging all the way.
Be nice to both boys. These emotional maelstroms are hard, but a normal part of life.