ZOMBIES

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=110187222330959
haha xD
I am attending.

Last night
Dunno why I didn't post, must have been too high xD I meant to
I love Matt, I really truly love him.
Even though I'm drugged up on prescription pain killers xD seriously, every finger feels like there is maybe a hair string of muscle in there and that's it. I keep trying to figure out why the muscle in my hands disappeared then I remember, oh yeah, near OD on painkillers.
Anywho, he wanted to talk to me about my unhealthy food relationship, I think whatever muscle keeps your mouth closed decided it wasn't going to work right. I told him how fat I felt, spilled bits about my past, everything I ate, how much I hate myself, it all just started tumbling out.
And when he tried to convince me I was wrong I started crying, I told him 'don't make me cry please, crying isn't good' and 'oh my god you're just going to lie to me like everyone else? Stop lying to me.' finally after maybe another half hour of this type of thing, he extracted a promise from me that I wouldn't go under 80 pounds and I'd try to eat some chicken or egg once a day 'cause he seemed really really worried about me eating meat so rarely. He said 'I won't tell you you have to stop, I don't want you  to start feeling like you have to lie to me too' and he said he'd be there for me no matter what, even if it is in a hospital. He said just please don't push me away. I'm sure I've got wording wrong, I'm high as fuck, just now coming down, that's probably why I spilled so much..

Today
Ok, I'm having a bit of a freak out as I realize exactly how much I said last night, I was so out of it I didn't even realize... I pretty much gave him EVERYTHING, how long this has been going on, that I want to be 70 pounds, that I have a blog (though thank god he didn't ask me to give him the blog address, I probably would have done it), exactly what I don't like about my body.. I told him every instance I can remember where someone said something negative about my body (and trust me I remember a lot), I told him about the physical abuse in my past (he already knows about the emotional, he has offered to call a hotline for me and report my parents), I told him... god I told him everything. Now I just know he's going to decide I'm too much of a mess for him to handle, oh my god I can't have him leave me...  I don't even know what I would do..

Intake
16oz QT pumpkin spice Cappuccino - 320 (will be spread out as flavoring in other coffees throught the day)
Alberts Ice Cube - 65 (Ana mutters 'What the hell is with you and chocolate?')

Planing on having
cup of soy milk (100)
a hard boiled egg white (17)
maybe another (17)

Total should be
519


aah wish me strength lovelys! Pleasepleaseplease, I'm going to need it..
They're bringing in muffins at school... and my mom just left for a candy store...