102, I've gone up TWO POUNDS... fml
Yesterday, my dad surprised me with a cake. A chocolate oreo cake, he was smiling so hard... he said "We haven't spent enough time together lately, you remember when we used to go get sweets and hide from your mom and split them?" and he pulled the cake out of the bag. I just stood there for a moment, but then his smile faltered and he said "Well, I know your a teenager now and don't really want to hang with your boring old dad... I just kinda miss you..." and he started to walk away, I stopped thinking, I miss him too, I stopped him and smiled and said "Lets go hide before mom sees!" like I did when I was little and I saw him carry in a sweet. And he smiled and I smiled and on the inside I was hating myself. Thinking, why can't I be strong and let him walk away? Make sure this never happens again? Let MOM eat it and get fatter instead of me... he gave me the knife and I cut it in forth’s, ate a whole forth of the cake... I was supposed to eat half of it but I started looking a bit sick halfway through and he let me stop.
I purged.
I'm so sorry.
I had too.
There was A FORTH OF A CHOCOLATE CAKE in me.
That is NOT acceptable.
I took my two pills, did 80 crunches and when my stomach was sufficiently upset I went and did it, I don't feel like I got it all out, so I did 60 more crunches and 30 leg lifts (60 really because 30 for each leg) and 20 push ups, by that time I was just so tired and my stomach was still upset and my throat burned and I was crying, I just curled up in bed and fell asleep. I'm mad at myself for not waiting up for M too. But I was so upset I was afraid something might come out if I did.
I still have gained two pounds.
My fast starts officially today.
I WILL walk away if he tries to make me eat the rest of it. I WILL NOT give in again to his guilt trip. I can’t… can’t gain anymore.
I've cut up my thighs where they touch today, a constant reminder that they do to keep me on track.
I can totally understand the just solid weight of a slice of cake in your stomach, its horrible...I wish my dad cared enough to do something like that but since the divorce i can count how many times we have talked on one hand...even if it is eating with your dad, cherish the memories please...
ReplyDeletei'm sorry for the 2lb gain, the fast will defo get that off. :)
ReplyDeletebut dont blame your dad, its tottally understandable that he wants to spend more time with you.staystrong hun. :) xxx
This post is really sad :( and I really hope you feel better. Good luck on the fast hun, Harley x
ReplyDeleteaww this post makes me sad, but reminds me of when i felt like i had hit my lowest. i had lost a bunch of weight but was slowly gaining it back because of my binges.. well i remember after one binge i tried puking it all out but i just couldn't get it all out. i decided to take a shower but ended up curled in a ball sobbing on the shower floor, completely disgusted with myself. we've all been there love, you just pick yourself up and move on. <3
ReplyDeletep.s. i love how you geeked out on my blog! 8^)