Just so much..

1. UGH WHEN IS SHE GOING TO GET THOSE PICTURES UP?!? >.< I'll pick a few and put them up when she gets them to me :) aah scary xD prepare yourself for some nasty thunder thighs and a pudge belly since I've been eating too much lately /sigh
I think my arms might be looking better though... maybe a little...

2. Lunch with grandpa today >.< I didn't want to eat at all, oh well, I'll get that salad again, that worked out well, eat all the lettuce (yay for low cal lettuce!) to make it look like I ate more than I did & no rice this time. And some fat burning green tea! Oolong is better though, I wonder if they have that? Must check..
AND NO DESSERT!! >.< no fucking tempura, if he insists I'll insist on the bannana thing. And only eat the bananna part. /sigh still an extra 100 Cal that I really don't want, but its better than getting even that amount of cal from ice cream coated in a mess of greasy gunk. Thank god I'm actually repulsed by grease and it's not just an act. Too many things are just an act and are hard to remember when I'm by myself..

3. I probably won't be on all weekend, my friend is coming over around 5-6 in the morning tomorrow and we're going to be cooking all day *gulp* then I've got the halloween party that day, then the actual halloween day.. so prolly won't be on :/ I'll try and read some blogs if I get any time at all.

4. What are we cooking for? The halloween party! ... shitfuckdamnitIdon'twannagoanymore! Too much food... too many people stuffing their faces and not careing about the calories but not enough people for me to just blend in and get lost >.< they all know me, they'll all be watching me, bombarding me with "Eat this!" "Try this!" and "Hey isn't this good?"

5. Matt. Omg he's going to be here tomorrow!!!! O.o omgomgomg

6. Halloween itself. We're trick or treating. Aaah shit.. so much candy... I'll just have to leave it in easy reach of my mom and brother.. hope mom doesn't manage to restrain herself. Hope she doesn't try too hard to restrain adam.

7. I streached out in school the other night and my shirt came up a little, there is an 80 carved into my skin just above and a little to the right of where my left hip bone pokes out. Someone saw it. She started trying to ask me about it, then another girl comes over and is like 'That's how much she weighs," thank god I managed not to say what I was thinking 'I only wish'. They kept going for awhile, one of them said "She needs it there to remind herself,"
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate people?


ah I'm going to be freaking out this weekend, wish me strength girlies, I'm going to be needing it...
I love you all! See you all monday!

Fun House Eyes

Mirror, mirror lie to me,
Show me what I want to see.
Mirror, mirror lie to me,
show me who I want to be.
My hipbones cut into my hand's,
that huge blob can’t be mine,
Mirror, mirror, she lies to me.

I like that title, fun house eyes, so many people have said fun house mirrors but it's not the mirrors fault, it's how you see it, technically it's your brain, but without eyes you wouldn't be seeing it anyways. Also, 'Fun House Brain' just doesn't sound as good as 'Fun House Eyes' in my opinion
It's been forever since I've written a poem xD don't make fun :p

Scale says I'm at 99 AT NIGHT, heck yeah.(the 98 was in the morning, I always weigh less in the morning, what about you girls?) but.. I don't see a difference... /sigh
Ana snickers at me, 'Maybe when you actually GET somewhere you'll see something. Stupid girl, you're still overweight."
I'm pretty sure she classifies ‘not underweight’ as ‘overweight’. Judgmental bitch. And I'm becoming just like her... /sigh
What can you do?

Anyways, I did my first photoshoot yesterday (amature photographer, but oh well) I don't know why I didn't mention it >.< it totally slipped my mind. Should I put up a few pics?

Oh Honor, you make me smile. I use condoms and the morning after pill, just in case. I'm not sure there's anything I'm more terrified of, besides getting fat. The two kinda go hand in hand I think though xD that's part of the reason I actually want to starve my period away >.< I know, sosuper unhealthy, but I hate the damn thing not just because of how it feels but because it reminds me I can get pregnat.

And while I'm thinking about it, my mush for the day;
Ukraine says (10:28 AM):xD I love how people assume I'm older than I am, just going off how I speak. It happens all the time, makes me feel smart xD



Matty says (10:31 AM):Look at my smart little cutie, confusin people and bein smarticle.



Ukraine says (10:32 AM):and then you do something like that, that sends me into a giggle fit and I feel like a little girl lol I love you Matty



Matty says (10:34 AM):Hehehe, i love you too L--. Im glad you liked it.



Ukraine says (11:14 AM)::p I like just about anything you say <3



Matty says (11:21 AM):Aww <3 i love you babe.



Ukraine says (11:22 AM):especially when you say that, I love you too :)




xD we said 'I love you' four times in a row
I've NEVER had a guy like this before <3
So.. I was just under 600 Cal yesterday.. I didn't have the orange, I had pumpkin bread and I had four of those pumpkin spice chocolate kisses. My dad bought them. WHY does he have to buy food to bond over?? Why not a board game or something? TV even?? /sigh
Good thing I've always played with my food, I took tiny bites and squished them and played with them a lot more than I ate them, adhd ftw xD he didn't comment since I've always kinda done that. Just used to eat more than I played, now I play more than I eat.

I really, really, REALLY need someone to kick me in the ass to exercize more >.< I don't know what's wrong with me, I keep just not doing it even though I could be.
Aaahhh I need a phone!! I need someone I can txt 'I'm bored' to who will say 'Well get your butt on the treadmill then!'  >.< or who will randomly txt me 'Don't eat that!' like K used to xD ah I miss her, no idea where she went T.T I lost touch with her about two months before I started this blog

http://www.starbucks.com/menu/drinks/frappuccino-blended-beverages
If you click on one it's got this calorie calculator thing, pick non-fat milk and no whip cream & see if you can get your favorite for under 200 Cal! Mine is right at 200 (the pumpkin, I'm sure you could have guessed :p) I'm ganna start looking to see what else I should try, if it's under 200 I'll buy it just to see if I like it, if I don't well that's money I won't be able to spend on something else to eat! And if I do, I've got a new sweet snack for under 200 Cal :)
lol yay starbucks!

I stayed up till a little after 4:50 on webcam with Matt. We had so much fun talking and sometimes just making silly faces at each other ^.^
He's so fucking perfect physically too.
You can barely see his breast bone, and a faint outline of his ribs, and his arms are so muscular <3 god I love his body so much, he thinks he's too skinny xD I'm like god no, you're perfect! Funny thing is, he is underweight >.< so I don't want to stop him from gaining a little if he's going to.. but... I really hope he stays the way he is, I just think he's so gorgeous.
I defiantly have a thing for skinny people, all of my boyfriends have thought they were too skinny (so did most other people) but I always thought they looked great. And not just 'oh I like you so yeah I'm going to think you look good' like even now I look at them (the ones that haven't gained) and think 'damn he's still hot as ever'

But... I've been thinking about Brandon lately... my last ex. We really don't match well, in any way except physically. God he turned me on so easily, all the time, without even trying to.
Matt acts like he doesn't care sometimes, because he knows I like the power play, but Brandon really did not care for the longest time, he just tossed me up against the wall (and he was strong, he could hold me there for quite awhile, an hour or more even) and he did whatever the hell he wanted to without any input from me. Or he would tell me what he wanted, and I never thought to disobey. Not like I could have stopped him from taking it after all. It was when he started saying he loved me too and started caring about my pleasure that I stopped getting turned on. Weird huh?

I don't think I like him again, I think I'm just wondering what it will be like with Matt. We're going to have the whole weekend, so I guess I'll find out. I need to make sure I eat friday so I have the energy and am able to get turned on xD

Intake
1/8th bagel - 28
egg white (mom made the yolk runny, so I'm going to bump it up from 17 since I know some of the yellow got into me) - 25
one grape - 3

Planning to have
small orange - 45
1 packet of crystal light - 20

total so far - 121

Ok, fasting didn't happen (sorry girlie), my plan is just to not go over 300 today. If I can stay with 121, that would be amazing, but I'm just going to plan for under 300.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, I'm finding it easier to just take it one day at a time so I won't think 'well I'll just make up for this tomorrow' 'cause I find whenever I do that, I never actually make up for it.

OMG I just weighed myself,
ALL TIME LOW!!!
!!!!!!!!98!!!!!!!!
=D omfg hell yes! And thats with the bagel and egg in me <3 yesyesyes! Holy hell I was so sure I hadn't lost anything xD woot!
95 here I come!

Oh my god

Intake
16oz QT pumpkin spice Cappuccino - 320 (will be spread out as flavoring in other coffees throught the day)
Alberts Ice Cube - 65 
(5) gum - 25


Total - 410


I was so hungry at school, I gave my money away to make sure I wouldn't eat anything, just kept chewing gum. Now, I'm not even hungry. No way can I ruin this, I can't eat the egg, it will make me hungry and I don't know if I will be able to stop. I'll boil them tonight, since there's no smell or anything to make me hungry, and I'll just have them in the morning.


 410!!! 


A whole 100 Cal under my limit today.
I'm sorry Matt, I can't ruin that, I just can't do it...

ZOMBIES

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=110187222330959
haha xD
I am attending.

Last night
Dunno why I didn't post, must have been too high xD I meant to
I love Matt, I really truly love him.
Even though I'm drugged up on prescription pain killers xD seriously, every finger feels like there is maybe a hair string of muscle in there and that's it. I keep trying to figure out why the muscle in my hands disappeared then I remember, oh yeah, near OD on painkillers.
Anywho, he wanted to talk to me about my unhealthy food relationship, I think whatever muscle keeps your mouth closed decided it wasn't going to work right. I told him how fat I felt, spilled bits about my past, everything I ate, how much I hate myself, it all just started tumbling out.
And when he tried to convince me I was wrong I started crying, I told him 'don't make me cry please, crying isn't good' and 'oh my god you're just going to lie to me like everyone else? Stop lying to me.' finally after maybe another half hour of this type of thing, he extracted a promise from me that I wouldn't go under 80 pounds and I'd try to eat some chicken or egg once a day 'cause he seemed really really worried about me eating meat so rarely. He said 'I won't tell you you have to stop, I don't want you  to start feeling like you have to lie to me too' and he said he'd be there for me no matter what, even if it is in a hospital. He said just please don't push me away. I'm sure I've got wording wrong, I'm high as fuck, just now coming down, that's probably why I spilled so much..

Today
Ok, I'm having a bit of a freak out as I realize exactly how much I said last night, I was so out of it I didn't even realize... I pretty much gave him EVERYTHING, how long this has been going on, that I want to be 70 pounds, that I have a blog (though thank god he didn't ask me to give him the blog address, I probably would have done it), exactly what I don't like about my body.. I told him every instance I can remember where someone said something negative about my body (and trust me I remember a lot), I told him about the physical abuse in my past (he already knows about the emotional, he has offered to call a hotline for me and report my parents), I told him... god I told him everything. Now I just know he's going to decide I'm too much of a mess for him to handle, oh my god I can't have him leave me...  I don't even know what I would do..

Intake
16oz QT pumpkin spice Cappuccino - 320 (will be spread out as flavoring in other coffees throught the day)
Alberts Ice Cube - 65 (Ana mutters 'What the hell is with you and chocolate?')

Planing on having
cup of soy milk (100)
a hard boiled egg white (17)
maybe another (17)

Total should be
519


aah wish me strength lovelys! Pleasepleaseplease, I'm going to need it..
They're bringing in muffins at school... and my mom just left for a candy store...

So, I went and hung out with one of my besties, Ian, we pretty much OD'd on caffeine (new triple strength at the gas mart!) and went crazy at the park. It really cheered me up. I, of course, had to try something stupid because he was rooting me on xD so I climbed up a tree and tried to jump to the roof of the pavilion. I missed. But just barely, my toe scraped along the wall, my knee and stomach managed to get a bit of scrape too. I'm pretty sure I bruised my butt when I landed. I laughed my ass off as I sat there, on the ground, dripping blood. Ian didn't even believe I'd really gotten hurt till I showed him the bloody mess that was my toe and knee, and showed the scrape on my stomach.

http://www.lifescript.com/Body/Shape/Workout-plans/Say_Farewell_to_Flabby_Spots.aspx?utm_source=mgid&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=007&page=3

1000

fingers down my throat
muscles burning to ash
knifes in my skin

tears from my eyes

streaming down my face

the screaming in my head
the laughter in my ears
the number on the scale
drowned out by pain
only by my pain

pumpkin muffin (530) cup of milk (130)
pumpkin spice hersheys kiss (9 = 220)

grapes (44) and water

tuna (100) and 3 cherry tomatos (9)

1033 Cal
103 Pounds
I need to get some laxatives

fuck age
fuck numbers

Today Ana says,
Bread is sand and sawdust, look at it, feel it, nothing but fat, sand and sawdust.
Chocolate is disgusting, don't even touch it, it's full of bad chemicals that will make you sick and burn your skin, don't even touch it.
Water is good, clean, pure.
Drink the water, drop the bread, drop the pounds.

A - Why didn't you listen at breakfast?
L - Because my aunt was watching..
A - No, because you're weak. You're weak and fat and stupid. You could easily have told her you'll eat at home, and told your parents you'd eaten at her house. Couldn't you have?
L - Well, yeah..
A - DUH yeah! You have no will power, you scarfed down that muffin and those chocolates like you hadn't a care in the world. Well you know what? You DO have a care, that you're FAT. Look at your ass and thighs sweetie, you're a fat ass and you need to stop eating so much.

Thank god I'm getting a new phone soon. I need to talk to someone during the day.

fat lunch becomes fat day

Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. More fasting next week or I'll never get to my goal by Halloween.
Oh, I basicly told Matt.. while I was thinking about kiling myself I was spilling everything I've always kept hidden in my head, spilling it all out for him, and bless him he didn't try to say anything he just let me go. Basicly it was the last thing I told him 'last week what I didn't tell you (he guessed there was a problem and I basicly told him I didn't want to tell him) was that I hadn't eaten in three days, then I ate a lot and got mad and threw it up because it hurt, but not enough' and he just said 'I wish I could make you happier'  and I broke down and I broke down and started crying, we pretty much just had a mush night after that, saying how much we wished we could hold eachother and kiss, how we would live together, when and where and what it would be like, and how much we loved eachother. He didn't say anything else about it, and I'm not sure what to think about that but god I love him.
I love him

recipies for happiness & my fat lunch

Happiness - lol no I don't take meds, my mom is crazy scared of anything that looks like a pill, her sister is messed up in the head because of 'little orange and green pills and big white pills' she says. School tried to put me on meds, mom flipped out, no ritalin for me :(
some season appropriate recipies at your request! lol
I'm going crazy looking for pumpkin things, if anyone has anything else to contribute I'd be very happy!
I lovelovelove pumpkin and I want to have something healthy pumpkin with me so I can avoid the super sugary fatty pumpkin things everyone else will have.

http://www.365halloween.com/faux-stuffed-intestines/
thinking about making this for the halloween party, fun right?! I might even eat some xD it's just too cool looking

http://www.theveggietable.com/recipes/pumpkinsoup.html
this looks interesting, and it's a broth based soup (I won't eat cream based ones)
I don't really care for spicy though, so I'll leave out the pepper in mine

http://www.theveggietable.com/techniques/roastpumpkinseeds.html
roasting pumpkin seeds, yummy! I love doing it myself so I can control what goes on them, no butter on MY seeds!

http://vegetarian.about.com/od/vegancakerecipes/r/pumpkincake.htm
A vegan pumpkin spice cake, I'd use WAY more spice though! Some ginger, cloves and nutmeg for sure. maybe add some raisins or nuts. Cranberrys are usually yummy with pumpkin too.

http://cookeatshare.com/recipes/vegan-tuesday-pumpkin-cinn-a-zag-bread-184330
cinnamon pumpkin bread, vegan



oh god I feel stuffed and I'm at the office and can't purge! I had at LEAST 600 Cal maybe even 800 oh fuck me
4 large pieces of sushi, and four smaller ones, I wasn't full, but I wasn't hungry, I was thinking this was perfect, I didn't like that I'd eaten so much (though I was given 7 of the smaller pieces, I kept giving them to grandpa and he ate 3 before he finally said 'you need to eat too' and I stopped) but I know I got a lot of vitamins from all the different kinds of fish and from the ginger and seaweed.
Then grandpa said, Desert! ok, Mochi I said. No, he wanted the Tempura... ok, I figured there wouldn't be much and I could just let him eat most of it, one small bite for every two of his big bites.
They never serve a lot at these high end places.
Right?
It was about the size of half a fucking soccer ball. Full fat ice cream covered in a half inch thick layer of fried gunk and topped with a forth a soccer ball of whipped cream then drizzeled with chocolate sauce. Holy fucking hell. I ate about a forth of it >.< I avoided the bready part compleatly, had about equal amounts of whip cream and ice cream 'cause I wasn't sure which is worse /sigh fml

Also, my phone has decided it's not going to recive texts. goddamnfuckingshittyhellfuckfuckdamn
anyways, if you wanna leave your number I can text from the computer, I'm sitting at a computer most of the time anyways. Or just wait till I get a new phone, which I'm in the process of begging for right now.

edited, so if you already read it do again! lol (skip to bottom for new stuff)

oh Honor, your comment sent me into a giggle fit xD my height is 5tf exactly

Brooklynn, my problem is I eat too much when I'm around people who are eatting, because everyone is eating and I'm usually such a sheep, I have this love-hate relationship with standing out :(
Everyone in class last night was pigging out and I joined right in because I'm fucking weak as shit >.< thank god classes are on the bottom of a three floor building and the rest is empty. I went up to the top floor, a whole empty floor between me and getting caught. It was a risk I admit but worth it to get that crap out of me.
So last night the scale said 102.4
It's... too high... I should be down further by now. I'm not doing good enough at all >.<
BMI at 20.0 god I'm so fat, I won't be happy until I've gotten it down to 17, ecstatic when I get it to 16.
When I hit 16 I've gotta start getting my metabolism going again, get 'healthy' I won’t go over 17 though, I want to hover right there between normal and underweight.
Maybe I should shoot for BMI of 15 before I 'get healthy'  so there isn't as much of a problem if I gain more than expected...
Anywho, gotta deal in now, not the future.
I'm going to be drinking coffee all day, for the metabolism kick, no food. Tomorrow I have my lunch with grandpa, sushi with a PLAIN green tea drink (gotta resist the sugar, gotta resist the sugar), then it's back to no food. More coffee.
I finally figured out the lunch problem with my grandpa I think, he always likes to go to cheap fatty fast food places that really disgust me. I always want to go to the sushi place, but it's expensive and he tries to take me places so often it would really add up. So I'm thinking I'll ask him to just take me to my sushi place once a week and not worry about my lunch the rest of the week. That way I get sushi more often and it's not as hard on his wallet and I'm not being pushed into fatty-fast-food-yuck-land.
Sushi is mostly low Cal (everything I'll be getting is anyways) high vitamin, a little costs a lot, it tastes AMAZING. Ana approves for once.
I like it when I have a plan, better when it's one she so whole-heartedly approves of.

I wish I had my licence, I'd find a few high end, expensive, good tasting, low Cal places and blow all my allotted food money on those places a few times a week. Praise myself for making good choices xD

Good luck fasting Isla Lynn, Xo-glass-slippers-oX & Ivy, we can do it!

I'm already feeling the slight stomach ache from all the coffee. Good, I won't have any appetite. 

I left Wintergirls in my aunts car Tuesday when she took me to school... I'm going to try to see her friday so I hope I get it back then.. I feel like such an idiot >.<


EDIT

Anyone interested in txting me? If you are comfortable with it leave the number I can reach you by as a comment (if you want I'll delete it when I get it, just ask) if you're not comfortable with leaving your number ask and I'll leave you a comment with mine if you promise to delete it when you get it.

Last time >.< I promise

This is from yesterday, the next most recent picture I have is from like two years ago >.<

but yeah, me, not sucking in or anything. God my upper arms are so fucking fat. It's weird, you get to my elbow and everything down is just straight, but my fucking upper arms are fat as all hell.

(my friend made the Jack in the backround btw, not me xD, to scale and everything, shes so awesome)

Yes, I'm going to get rid of that pudge just behind where my elbow is, I'm going to get rid of those fat fucking arms and I'm going to get rid of the fat crap hiding beneath the skirt. I'll get rid of it all so I can float away.

fuck me

I had two poptarts, four oreos, a star crunch, and an apple crisp. It's all in the drain now, for once I didn't stop when it started hurting, I only stopped when I saw the red/white of the poptart (first thing I ate, strawberry poptart). I'm... pissed yes, but oddly proud of myself for getting it all out... it hurts like hell, but that's a lot better than a full stomach. I'm extending my fast to friday, my grandpa is taking me for sushi, I'll have that (which I'm thinking I'll purge) then nothing the rest of the day or the next day. I will punish myself for this binge, doesn't matter if I got rid of it all, I still lost control.

Chatting & Icecream

Mich I sincerity hope this little boy ends up ok and grows into it like you said, that just seems so rare because more often than not their eating habits and activity levels don't change much, which is what causes the problem. Since there are so many health problems, social problems, self esteem problems ect. with being fat when you get older, it terrifies me to see these fat little kids waddling around, all the problems they'll have to face, and it hurts when I think of all the other little kids running and playing and being little kids... while these ones can't keep up. Sure some of them will turn out happy and well adjusted, or grow into it, but so many more will have physical and mental problems because of it.

I see them and think,

"What problem will this one have? Will his heart fail? Will she develop an ED? Will that little one that keeps getting picked on and laughed at end up crying themself to sleep most nights? Try to commit suicide because she has no friends and the boys don't like her, because they make fun of him every day and the girls shun him?"
Mine almost let me get fat, thankfully I got myself into soccer and just hovered on the edge instead of going all in.
I'm working to keep my brother away from getting fat right now. Just little things, taking him for walks and to the park and letting him help me make healthy snacks, he loves it, especially all the attention. It's so easy and you get to know the child so much better when you're spending time with them like this, I can't help but feel such hatered for the parents that just let this happen and pitty for the children it's happening to.

Ivy-  Currently chewing; Orbits Lime Mellon :)


Honor - No insult lol I assume most things people tell me are just informative and/or advice unless they are outright and obnoxiously offensive (name calling, curse words, ect.) and the pain really is ok with me, I've got a self harm complex on top of all this xD yeah, messed up huh?
And oh yeah, deffinatly MUCH later in life for me xD only 16 over here lol
I just really want to be able to make some little persons life better than mine was. If I expressed a dislike for anything my parents wanted me to do, well I was just lazy and if they kept pushing I'd get into it. Hah, nope. I think I've learned a lot of lessons from the way my parents raised me and feel like I could do very well, especially since I don't know where which ever little girl I adopt would be otherwise. My biggest problem is, how the hell do I let her know she's adopted if she comes to me really younge?? I don't want to act like I am her biological mother and have shit blow up when she's older... I dunno xD I'll figure it out I guess.


Happiness is on the outside - Yeah I have ADHD xD it really can make things fun, as long as I can keep myself from getting TOO scattered when I need to be focused though >.< problem is I can't always do that.. thanks for following! I'm glad I interest you :)


This was kinda fun, I think I'll do more responding to comments lol I just don't have much to say today. Fast is going well, mom let it go when I started insisting on cooking again, she hasn't mentioned anything since about not eating enough, she has wondered aloud once or twice at how healthy my cooking is though lol

I love the challenge of making tasty vegan/vegetarian things, the kind of thing you could feed to somone who says you can't make tasty veg meals and they would never guess it was a Veg meal lol

Made some Veg ice cream, just had a little taste that I didn't swallow to make sure it turned out good, and it really did!

I heated up a can of coconut milk, disolved honey into it, just to taste (my brothers taste that is xD) no measuring, turned the heat down and stirred in a fresh pureed mango, then took it off the heat and added some (fresh) peach and (organic frozen without sugar/additives) pinapple, then tossed the whole concoction in the Icecream maker along with a cup of soymilk.
I know, it's winter, why the hell did I make Icecream? My brain forgets everything else when I get an idea xD I realized it was winter AFTER it was all frozen and my bro was eating it lol

Sleep deprivation is not a good thing children.

I'm so proud of myself for not eating last night in school, I had money but didn't buy anything for once! Just popped a piece of gum in my mouth and started talking to people :) it was kinda hard watching them eat pizza and stuff, but I managed =D
Target had gum on clearance, why does gum even go on clearance?  I bought like five packs anyways xD

Oh I had a 'moment' though, really the casher must have thought I was an idiot, she put everything in two bags and I grabbed one of them and started to leave, she had to shout at me to come back and pay and get my other bag. I felt soo bad too because she said her throat was hurting and I'd made her shout :/
She was really skinny and pretty, god I wish I were that tall too
She must have been thinking what a fat retard I was >.< at least I was just buying healthy, low Cal stuff.
I don't get the chance much to spend other peoples money (my dad gave me money and had me run in yay dad!) so I stocked up on healthy stuff for after the fast. I won't have to use my own money for awhile :)
I made that stupid comment (the title of this post) about not sleeping enough, I don't know why I open my mouth when I'm feeling stupid, I just end up proving exactly how stupid I am, at least she laughed.

I also got myself a pumpkin spice coffee, I'll only open it Thursday, no sooner, and only if I stick to the fast, if I don't make it, it goes to someone else as a Halloween present, and that's final.


Adorable right?
I feel sorry for this kid, when he hits highschool at 500 pounds and goes on a mass murdering spree because the girls won't talk to him and the guys laugh at him for breaking into a sweat walking across the hall, and everyone who thought he was so cute is wondering "Why?" I'll be feeding my kid carrots and tuna and yogurt taking her to the park to play every day, encouraging her to find a sport she likes and shaking my head at the stupid fat world. This poor boy :/ hes so young, it's not his fault, parents are so fucking retarded sometimes.
(btw 'kid' = 'adopted kid', I've already decided humanity doesn't need so many people adding to it's collective mass, it needs some of them to take care of the people that are getting neglected)

Honor- I've found that if I use it the day after I've eaten just a little (not enough to purge but enough that it bothers me.. and not enough for my body to shit it out on its own) I'll be very uncomfortable for about two hours but then EVERYTHING will come out and I feel a lot cleaner, that's also two hours where I have absolutely NO desire to eat. Thanks though, I'll make sure not to use it if I've actually eaten a lot and I'll start using it more towards the end of fasts :)

I'm obsessing!

Over something not ana related for once.

thiiis soooong



aaaand thiiis ooone (you havehavehave to watch the vid with the song, it's half the greatness!)


I can't even begin to explain how much I love that last one xD

Anywho, I'm doing water fasting (yeah tea is fine as long as you don't add other stuff to it, I think coffee is ok on the same principle, aaah I've gotta hide my honey from myself xD) with Ivy and Xo-glass-slippers-oX till Thursday
Your excitement made MY day Ivy! I was fully expecting a casual brush off xD I've gotten too used to that I guess. We can do it girl! I'm so pumped now lol

I had to eat dinner with the fam last night, my body likes to cling when I eat >.< if I don't get rid of it right away it will just stay there for days and I wasn't able to purge so I'm doing another salt water flush today. Ugh I'm having so much trouble keeping this crap down, it makes me feel so sick >.< I couldn't even drink the whole liter of water this time, I drank three fourths of it so I'm hoping that will be ok.. if I try to take one more drink I WILL throw up. Ugh I feel so disgusting.. and cold and tired.. and fat. I was hoping I'd at least be a bit skinnier when I started getting all tired and cold again.
I feel weak because last time I felt like this was when I was around 99 pounds and right now I'm like 105 yuck yuck yuck

so close... and still too fucking far

oh holy crap I can't believe I forgot to mention this, I'm starting drivers ed tonight!!! so excited! kinda scared too though aah I hope I have a nice teacher and.. I don't know what to think of the class, I'll just hope I don't befriend someone who likes to bring in food like I did in night school >.<

~you let go and landed on your feet, and it felt sooo sweet~

almost two hours spent over the toilet
and one amazing revelation later
here I am
and oh god do I feel good

So I took a plate of pancakes upstairs and sat down by the toilet, fully intending to binge on this seven pancake high stack of bready evil smothered in fat and calories.
I filled my belly with water till it was hurting to make the purge easier.
Took my first bite.
Chewed 45 times..
And spit it out.
I don't really know WHY I spit it out.
Just did.
Then I did the same thing with the next bite,
and the next,
and the next,
next, next, next,
then the plate was empty.
AND I HADN'T SWALLOWED A BITE!
Woah!
I was hating myself fully ready to binge and purge and cut my stomach open some more with that razor blade under my mattress...
then this happened and holy shit,
this... this is a whole new facet of control!
at least thats what it feels like right now
I had cookies and cereal and meat and candies and swallowed only 15 bites.
And my bites are pretty damn small, a fact I am proud of.
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3 I'm sure that whole thing was less than 100 Cal in all  <3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
 I just think this is so cool                
xD                                       
wow                                    
messed up much?                
Yeah,                                  
but fuck it all I'm happy!  
        
if you try it make sure to brush your teeth really good right after though xD
all that sugar will make them soso nasty really fast        
oh
filling your belly to bursting with water right before hand like I did will probably help too              


~you let go and landed on your feet, and it felt sooo sweet~

Yes I did, and yes it did.

xXxPerfectLiexXx

I don't know about anyone else, but I've tried to comment several times and it doesn't let me! I thought you had comments turned off or something since there were none...

If I weren't so fat this fuck up wouldn't be as bad.. so

I will do it. I will I will I will, no more piggy days. I will STARVE the FUCK and the FAT out of my fucking body. I'll push everyone away to do it if I have to. My body will be as close to perfect as I can get it by the time Matt comes around. Fuck food. I'll throw it out and to hell with the money, to hell with the waste. It would be just as wasted as fat on my body.
I have two weeks to go do down 5 pounds.
I will do it.
Thank you for your amazing comments and support lovelies, you help me so much to smile even when I'm down (or not going down fast enough)

Fat fucking idiot.

I am one.

What the hell...

Couldn't do it.
As soon as I decide I'm going to eat a healthy amount...
I did yesterday, ate enough..
Felt ok even.
Then I looked in the mirror this morning and...
Oh god...
I've got the ugliest stomach you've ever seen.
And the scale...
She says I weigh 104 again.
I tried to eat anyways...
I purged.
I hate my body so much..
I want it, all of it, just..
Gone.

Now I've got duct tape wrapped around my middle and thighs.
Tightly.
I did it out of anger at my pudgy stomach and touching thighs.
It hurts.
If I weren't so fat it wouldn't hurt so bad.
Fitting.

I need a real corset.
M would think that's sexy I bet.
I'll ask him for one.

No.

I'm going to try eating 'normal' for a few days.
As in, an adaquate amount of Calories.
What I'm trying to do is build up my ability to say no.
I have problems with this word at school.
I think if I'm not hungry it'll be easier to say no.
Once I get used to saying no I'm hoping I'll be able to do it even when I am hungry.
I'll be having yogurt and fruit and veggies.
Juice.
Maybe some pasta.
We have a lot of that right now.
Point is I need to cut out as much proccessed sugar as I can.
I'm going to try to focus on just that right now.
Get rid of sugar.
That's all for now.

uhh stuff

So.. bad day yesterday. Huge binge/purge day. Wtf? I was doing so well during the day, had a cup of peach, some tea and coffee. Was planing on having a cup of mango when I got home, had it all cut up and waiting and everything. Then got home and had some sugar... and just went crazy. I did make a discovery on my rampage though, that a peanut butter fiber one bar really satisfies my worst craving, it's got the right texture and taste, most things under 200 Cal only have one of those. And one (good size too) bar is only 107 Cal. I'm going to have to start getting more of these, maybe have one every other day and see if that helps me avoid getting the craving at all, if it doesn't I'll just have one when I'm craving. And eat more slowly. I've gotta always remember to force myself to eat slowly no matter how hungry I am. I'll have to see if any other flavors can satisfy that craving with less Cal, I really hope so. Still, 107 is deff not bad if it can help me avoid more binge/purge days.




Protect hair/skin/nails


Apricots are a good source of beta-carotene. Your body turns beta-carotene into vitamin A, which protects your eyes, nails and skin. One apricot has about 17 calories and 1 gram of fiber.


Mango One mango has enough beta-carotene to meet the body’s daily requirement. A mango has 153 calories and only 1gram of fat. The mango is ripe when it gives slightly if you squeeze it gently. If the mango is too soft, it is overripe. Mangoes ripen within a week at room temperature. 
(kinda high cal but a half of a mango is 77 Cal which isn't bad, and a bit of mango every once in a while for the beta-carotene I think would be worth it. I want to be a model so it's deff worth it for me)


Cantaloupe contains powerful antioxidants, beta-carotene, vitamin C and potassium. One cup of cubed melon has 84 calories and 1 gram of fat. Rinse the cantaloupe under clear running water before preparing it. Add cantaloupe to your fruit salad.


Lettuce is rich in vitamin A, K, sodium and potassium. One head of lettuce has about 13 calories. Lettuce is indispensable for salads. Crispy leaves of lettuce are a perfect snack between meals. 
(ooh need to get me some lettuce and start the snacking! Sounds great to be able to snack don't you think? I mean, have you seen how big a head of lettuce is? And for about 13 Cal? Sign me up baby! Just gotta stay away from dipping it in anything...)


http://www.actabit.com/healthiest-foods

I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take

I had a dream last night, I ate candy corn, and then I purged. I looked up into a mirror and my cloths were hanging off me, like I was a stick figure someone had tried to dress in my old clothes. I took them off. It was hard to get them off and I was panting by the time I did, ready to collapse. But I looked up into the mirror... my skin was stretched so tight over my bones. There was NOTHING in my middle. Every single rib could be counted easily, every vertebrae on my spine, and my hip/cheek bones looked like they were going to burst through my skin while I was just standing there, not stretching or anything. I was dying. And it was beautiful.
It's kinda scary to think that.
I don't want to die...
but oh god
I want to look like that.
I've got to have some control, when I get to my target weight, I will restart my metabolism. I want to have a beautiful life with M and be a successful model. I don't want to die...


do I?

So.. the fast got pretty much nowhere. I had nothing till about noon when my dad went out and bought a TON of fruit. Which is cool, I'm always bugging him to buy fruit instead of other things, but... right when I try to start a fast >.> so now, only fruit till it's gone, THEN fast.
/sigh
oh well, I'll get to my fast, hopefully this will give me some energy to exercise at least.

no eating after 8:30pm or before 8:30am

fasting & flushing

guh, I've been so depressed lately... I purged this morning... god I hope that doesn't become a habit..
NONO not hope, I will make it not, restrict restrict restrict so it doesn't.
anyways
I'm starting a liquid fast tomorrow with Matilda Bonnet.
I'm going to start using the Salt Water Flush. Not tomorrow, but the day after.
Ah yes Ivy, we should set a date for starting the book so we're all reading together :)
That will help me a lot to carry it around and think of you guys & know someone who understands is carrying it around too and maybe thinking about it at the same time as I am.

I told M I wanted to go run last night, but that it's cold and past curfew. He said I should definitely do it, just be careful not to get caught. I wonder if he would feel the same if he knew how much I ate... he only thinks I'm trying to get in shape though, so... yeah.

Runs Alone, I have read Speak and I love it! When do you plan on starting Wintergirls? I'll deff read it with you.

Anyone else want to join our little book club? lol

If you are going to eat carbohydrates, you need to make them the best carbs you can get. Whole grains will work much better than any white rice, pasta, or bread.

When you go to pick something up don't bend over, do a squat.


Don't sit when you could be standing. 
Don't stand when you could be walking.
Don't walk when you could be running.


Alternate between running, walking and sprinting so your body doesn't get too used to any one thing.


Fidget. Every calorie counts. 
Bounce your leg when you're sitting, flex muscles, stretch, and never stand still when you can pace. 

http://www.lasting-weight-loss.com/calories-in-fruit.html

Shut up. Just shut yourself the fuck up.

Tea
5

2 cup of mixed lettuce, spinach and onion (lettuce and spinach both seem to have about 8 Cal, but one cup onion is supposed to have like 64.. there isn't a lot of onion.. eh, go high)
60 for the whole thing sound good?

Cup of (mixed) carrots & greenbeans
50(ish)

the other Unagi Sushi
I think I decided 70 for that

cup of beef broth
15

Trident layers COOLmint+melonFRESCO gum (3)
15

8th cup of grape nut
52

Total
267


I've been hinting like crazy to friends... I don't know why, I think I just want someone to care enough to notice. I want someone to prove they care...

Dear L,
You're not getting anywhere because you don't fucking work hard enough.
It doesn’t matter to them what you want from them, they are going to do what they want, so "Play every role to the hilt," you've heard that, right?
You're a regular teen, you still look like one, you're not model material yet, so keep playing the regular teen. They don't care, so don't give it away. They'll just stop you for appearances, no one wants to LOOK like they don't care, after all. They'll make you fatter, and then go back to not even pretending to care once they think they've show how much they care, and on top of having to work soso hard to get back to where you're at, somewhere that's not even far enough, you'll be even more alone because they'll be afraid you're going to bother them with more problems that they don't understand and can't solve. People don't want to be confronted with things they can't understand, it makes them feel stupid and they will want to get away from you if you make them feel stupid.
SO PLAY YOUR FUCKING ROLE AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH
When you want to eat, shut your mouth.
When you want to cry, shut your mouth.
When you want to tell, shut your mouth.
Because no one wants to hear you.
They don't want their pretty reality to get twisted up with your ugly one.
And why would you want to chase away the few friends you do have with your problems anyways?
Stop trying to make people care, they don't, they won't and you can't change that.
How much more stupid can you get?
There's one thing you can change, and right now you're not changing it.
Why the fuck not?
You want to, right?
So work fucking harder at it.

Love,
Ana~

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's ganna be my year.

buffets are great tests of willpower

Pomegranate Chobani (greek yogurt)
140

Buffet (this is all mostly guess work, I look up how much I think I ate and then usually add some, just in case)
Had a few bites of potato and a bite of chicken, plus some rice.
about 143 for half cup of white rice
potato & chicken
100
Cup of lettuce
10
five carrot sticks
20
half a slice of onion
5
three medium tomato slices
20


drank only water =D
I've decided if I'm eating I'm going to try to stay away from any liquid besides water
Total
438

I'll probably be pushing 500 by the end of the day, but I don't plan on going over, wish me luck lovelys :)

Anyways,
exercise!


She's a bit on the buff side.. but still, look at that tight tummy. There is like no fat on this girl.
Burn burn burn!
Just don't eat so much it all turns into muscle! haha

Windows Live (for some reason I always mistype live as love)

Anywho, I don't really want to put my personal email adress out there when really anyone can view this blog.. but I think it would be nice to talk to you girls a little more. So.. if any of you have Windows Live Messanger (formaly known as msn), and you feel the same about talking more (I live in the usa btw, overseas girls are welcome but dunno how much we'd be on at the same time xD), send me a message & we'll exchange email? 

Broke my fast with my grandpa, it wasn't a horrible brake, but... god I feel so full

will count Cal later

edit-
about 248 in raw tuna
8 cal for a cup of lettuce, that's about what I ate in my salad
Unagi
Main ingredient: Fresh Water Eel
Calories per slice: 45 ~  just had one, but I dunno if that includes the rice... so let's say 70...
Brisk: Lemon ice tea
210 (O.o didn't look till after I drank 'cause I was with grandpa and he comments most on my eating habits... didn't want him to see me checking Cal, god that's a lot for a tea drink)
tea w/tbsp honey
60 (I have a new appreciation for homemade tea)
mochi ice cream ball 1& 1/2 150
Total
746
not... horrible... I keep telling myself...

omfg I'm at school I can not have a break down right now...

Tea w/tbsp honey
65
2 cup skim milk
160
4 p/gum
12
tbsp honey & lemon juice in water
65

Total
302

I told hungry for change that I broke my fast, but since I started late I'm going to go for a few more days to make it up.


Don't really have much to say today, not really happy, not really upset. Just kinda... here? Dunno.
And wondering why I'm not excited about art club. Normaly I am, and we're on the verge of starting two big projects, so I should be psyched. *shrug* oh well, fast is going great and it makes me smile a bit every time I think about what I've eaten today. That's what counts right?
Still, kinda confused over what I'm feeling.
But it's not bad.
Oh well.

mmm I miss Matty (not him xD but skinny and blonde)

Isn't he cute? He probably doesn't want a girl that would crush him.

Like maybe this girl.

Deff not this one though.

Packed full of super tips! I'm so bipolar xD Lovin life right now!

Water w/tbsp honey x2
120
Tea w/tbsp honey
65
Bit of coffee with honey (lol I know, but I'm on a honey kick and I got curious and HAD to try it)
80(ish?? Didn't measure the honey I added 'cause I didn't think I would like it and drink it all >.> oopse!)
(I'm not even done with all of this yet, I'm drinking a ton of water to spread it out and I'm bringing some bottles to school, say I ate too much at work today and refuse all snacks)
Total
265

(I think it was Harelyx who said this, I've started rounding up when I'm not sure, I'll add maybe 5-10Cal to what I think it was, love that tip girly!)

I've discovered a love for honey and especially honey water! ^.^ honey is super sweet (works much better than sugar 'cause you don't have to use as much) it's not empty Cal, it has a bunch of good stuff in it (read on the site for more) and one tablespoon is only 60Cal
http://www.benefits-of-honey.com/honey-and-weight-loss.html I found it while trying to decide if I should replace sugar with honey more often.
The best thing I think I got out of it (if you don't have time to read right now, I still suggest you look at this site at some point, it's really really great) is this "Honey is a simple carbohydrate that one can safely take during fasting because it contains easily digested sugars." Honey, I am so in love with you right now <3 ^.^
MIA GIRLS
UMF Manuka, also known as "Medihoney" in some pharmacies, is the preferred honey for wound dressing and other special therapeutic uses and studies are showing Manuka with high levels of UMF could be very effective in helping relieve stomach ulcer symptoms and gastritis, and sore throats, and when applied topically, in assisting the natural cure of skin ulcers, wounds, burns, boils, cracked skin

Balence that out with something to avoid, did not know this about High Fructose Corn Syrup
"HFCS is more processed and it's cheaper than sugar so it's added to more foods. The campaign that's in favor of HFCS says it's OK to eat in moderation, but since it's found in so many foods, it's tough to avoid. HFCS also affects the hunger hormone in your body known as leptin, which creates an increase in your appetite and causes people who eat foods with HFCS to overeat. So the concept of self-control is thrown out the window."
CHECK YOUR JUICES GIRLS, this crap is in most of them!


I just thought this was the sweetest thing ever (besides honey)




And some thinspo vids/songs I've been using



This song makes me think of you girls, you help me through every day. I need you all, I love all of you. Together we'll get through.



THIS IS SOSO CRAZY, I have it on my reverse thinspo page, but I felt it just really needed to be in a post too.
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/10/24/things-that-have-been-found-in-fat-peoples-folds

lol this post got super long, well there's a lot of good stuff packed in it!
So to finish it up, one more site that I'm loveing right now! (pro-ana site)
http://tilt214.tripod.com/index.html

even on a liquid fast, I've learned I should check Cal >.>

Went to the mall yesterday with friends, kept up my fast (liquid, had somewhere between 300-400 cal, had a bit of other peoples thinks soup/coffee/soda that I can't really count lol it's amazing how people overlook what you've *not* eaten when you're always stealing their drinks for sips, I'm going to start using that more!) did all my makeup at Viki's secret and had a hard time working up the will to wash my face because I loved it so much xD


Today, had a coke
142
Tropical Punch Caprisun
90
Dole watermellon juice
120
2 cups Orange Juice
244


Total
596

/sigh
that looks too high >.>




Tips I found;
Consume small meals frequently. When you eat three large meals daily, your metabolism slows down during the long periods of time between meals. When you eat small meals every 2 to 3 hours, you keep your metabolism working at prime rates. Split your daily caloric allotment into five or six meals so you are eating every few hours.

You've heard the rule, never mix a protein and a starch, right? Heres why, meat requires protein enzymes for digestion and potatoes require starch enzymes. When these enzymes are put together they neutralize each other and your food putrefies (rots). Instead of being digested by enzymes, it putrefies with bad bacteria. Another problem arises; not only are the body’s internal enzymes neutralized but cooked foods have had their naturally occurring enzymes destroyed through the cooking process. (Your food has a greater chance of putrefying because of this.) This means the food is not being digested through the enzymatic process but is now broken down by bad bacteria; which lead to ulcers, inflammation, infection, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, fungus, etc. What you have are digestive disorders from the mouth all the way to the rectum.
Eww, makes me want to keep away from cooked food, period.

....

102, I've gone up TWO POUNDS... fml
Yesterday, my dad surprised me with a cake. A chocolate oreo cake, he was smiling so hard... he said "We haven't spent enough time together lately, you remember when we used to go get sweets and hide from your mom and split them?" and he pulled the cake out of the bag. I just stood there for a moment, but then his smile faltered and he said "Well, I know your a teenager now and don't really want to hang with your boring old dad... I just kinda miss you..." and he started to walk away, I stopped thinking, I miss him too, I stopped him and smiled and said "Lets go hide before mom sees!" like I did when I was little and I saw him carry in a sweet. And he smiled and I smiled and on the inside I was hating myself. Thinking, why can't I be strong and let him walk away? Make sure this never happens again? Let MOM eat it and get fatter instead of me... he gave me the knife and I cut it in forth’s, ate a whole forth of the cake... I was supposed to eat half of it but I started looking a bit sick halfway through and he let me stop.
I purged.
I'm so sorry.
I had too.
There was A FORTH OF A CHOCOLATE CAKE in me.
That is NOT acceptable.
I took my two pills, did 80 crunches and when my stomach was sufficiently upset I went and did it, I don't feel like I got it all out, so I did 60 more crunches and 30 leg lifts (60 really because 30 for each leg) and 20 push ups, by that time I was just so tired and my stomach was still upset and my throat burned and I was crying, I just curled up in bed and fell asleep. I'm mad at myself for not waiting up for M too. But I was so upset I was afraid something might come out if I did.
I still have gained two pounds.
My fast starts officially today.
I WILL walk away if he tries to make me eat the rest of it. I WILL NOT give in again to his guilt trip. I can’t… can’t gain anymore.
I've cut up my thighs where they touch today, a constant reminder that they do to keep me on track.

blah

So, I went over, of course >.> I didn't have school and mom made a SHIT TON of brownies, cakes ect. for some school thing for my little brother. Only, she made twice as much as was needed. Dad wasn't home so she made me and my brother eat dinner with her. I'm scared to say no, besides the fact she might blow up and I'll end up with bruises, I'm terrified of her finding out how I'm losing weight.. She WANTS me to lose weight, but she wants me to do it in a healthy way xD does she not realize I'm AT a healthy weight? Actually, near the bottom of the healthy weight range.Well, I'm not going to tell her.
Anyways, she thinks I'm strength training.
While I am exercising a bit, I really don't like it and would much rather be hungry and light headed than sore. Except for my stomach, I've been trying to make those muscles sore because it feels like I have a stomach ache and I don't feel like eating.

I ended up eating like 500 Cal... That will not help me get to where I want this month. If I want to lose my period I've got to eat less, move more, stop wishing and start working! I've been really really tempted lately to try purging... I found out a little while back that if I take two of these 'One A Day Teen Advantage' things my mom got me it will make me really nauseous.. I almost did it yesterday.. then I thought, it's nutrients I'm trying to avoid so my lining doesn't build up, not a good thing to OD on, so instead I went and did crunches trying to get my belly to hurt today. I did about 60 of them, I think I've been doing it too often lately... that's more than I've done at one time in months, but it doesn't hurt at all probably 'cause I've done a few almost every day. My legs feel a bit weak from the leg lifts, but they don't hurt either... damn the human bodys adaptablity >.>


M is kinda worrying me, I mentioned losing weight...

M says (11:08 AM):
And yea, dont do that. I like you at a healthy weight, regardless of what your mom says or any minor pudge. Youll always be beautiful to me.

U says (11:16 AM): 
I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with the idea of gaining weight, but.. just, thanks *hug*

M says (11:19 AM):
Of course. You dont have to worry about weight ----. Ill love you always, whatever way you are.



I want to ask him, will you love me if I lose weight too? But that just seems like it would be too obvious...