party pictures

Apparently someone got a picture of me staring mournfully at my half eaten cookie...

[deleted]

Pretty sure I was wishing I hadn't even picked it up.. isn't it ironic that this was the only picture taken of me??  I'm just glad she didn't get me shoving something in my mouth....

Still, yay for raves in the garage! 

I danced a lot. Had a few too many cookies.. but I danced a hellofalot, not like swaying dancing, like jumping around like a monkey dancing, the kind that burns calories like no tomorrow, and I fasted yesterday, and ran, so I think I'm ok, and for once, the scale agrees.

Weight-96.4 

BMI-18.8

I have eaten very little today, and now I'm done, I might actually make it, please let me see 95 tomorrow..

2.4 pounds to go till I've got an underweight BMI, 3.4 pounds and my bmi finally falls below Mattys.

Lets do this thing.

Alone time is to not eat, not to eat unseen. 

They'll know anyway when your weight starts to soar.

Matt & Fatties

In other news;
I'm still not over what Matt said.
@Mitch lol no laughter was not at all my first reaction, I'm still half sure I'll never hear from him again every time he hangs up the phone or gets off messenger, so the first thing that hit me was absolute shock at the implication he can see himself staying with me that long.. next was the thing about kids which I rarely think of other than to dismiss with 'we're overpopulated anyway' I'm still trying to digest that thought that (if if if if if if if if if, so many ifs) I might end up with a kid. With Matt.

@Tai, I'm not sure about excited, once I got over the shock I most definitely felt a rush of love.. mushy as that sounds, but.. a little uneasy too.. I've never really dealt with commitment like this before, people have always been in and out of my life and I'm so used to sometimes them just not coming back in (the one exception being parents but they don't really count since they'll be out as soon as I can be rid of them legally), that it seems just so unreal. I don't want to let him get me excited about being with him for a long time because I'm having a hard time accepting that it's possible and yet, I want to be with him a long time and be excited about it.. >.< quite headachey to think about it all actually..

woah

(I said something about wishing I could starve away my period cause I hate it)

Matt- get birth control. you can always ask for the kind that reduces how many periods you get

Me- I was ganna do that anyway, but still, I'd like to get rid of it myself to know I can >.< 

Matt- umm.. at some point in my life, i want a son. Maybe a daughter too..

I didn't even know what to say. I had never thought of that, in his 30's probably, he says... he wants me to make sure I dont damage myself because.. he wants to maybe have a child with me?! He really would want to be with me, ME, crazy, emotional, cynical, fucked up in the head me, for that long.. and have a child with me.. just... woah...

:)

My grandpa is a-ok, I found my phone and I am somehow at 97 pounds.
I'm doin alright.


Cute Cat Gets Crushed By Pillow - Watch more Funny Video

Ok, so my Christmas wasn't all that horrid

I actually got some pretty cool gifts that (since I've done ok today and my throat has stopped hurting from the purge that turned out to be notsolittle) I'm thinking are pretty damn awesome. 

I'm on one right now.
LAPTOP!!! 
(can't really take a picture of this one since I'm using its cam for the rest xD)
Fuck to the yeah!
I got 100$ from a grandma that my mom is actually going to let me use instead of shoving into the bank (it's going to get spent on Matty if I get the check cashed before I head over there.. THIS FRIDAY =DD holy hell I'm sooo excited), 

I got Cataclysm woot!

 (world of warcraft expansion, first time I've gotten one so soon after it came out), 

and (last big one) a bamboo pad! 

its a drawing pad for the computer, you draw onto the pad with the special pen and it shows up on the com, and matty is finding me some photoshop torrentz to go with it lol :) pretty damn awesome.

I got a pretty silver purse to go with my silver heels

(mom remembered I was frustrated last dance cause I couldn't find one that matched them, I'm kinda shocked she remembered something like that...)

I also got some funky socks 

(they arent knee highs.. but they're still cool, not a one of them match xD ), 

My dad remembered the knee highs :)

 calfs.. *pained smile* they'll be better by spring

My bestie M bought me a sketch book with a cool design

My little bro bought these with money he got from doing chores lol how cute is that?

Grams got these, blush and dark purple eyeliner if you cant tell.

 she also tried to get me concealer, but it was medium... I'm pale as all hell xD shes going to take me to a shop to get my skin color matched with a concealer color sometime next week :)
They came in this shiny bag that I love as much as the eyeliner (which I like better than the blush & concealer)

These are a hint tight, yay thinspo clothes! lol

I got a ton of books, but can you see why these ones appeal to me especially?

Not actually ana books, but I still love the title/covers.

and too much chocolate

So yeah, these were a part of last nights bing, (along with a fuckload of cookies, brownies, meat, cheesy potatoes, olives, and milk) you see how many are left? I haven't eaten any since (till just now, I ate two of the chocolates & then took them downstairs and handed them out, now there are only two left xD) I got a white chocolate flower on a stick AS BIG AS MY FUCKING HAND >.< I managed to resist opening it somehow and left it at my aunts house.

Pretty sure thats it. 

Fighting the christmas purge.. too many people.. don't try it, don't try it, don't.. god damn.. just a little.. my stomach hurts, it's justified...

damnit sleep god, why do you hate me so?

I have to be up in three hours. I got tired, tried to lay down, and now 30 minutes (and no sleep) later I'm wide awake. /sigh
I had a bad day, not terrible, but bad. I only ran for like 15 minutes and I ate, and ate, and ate... furasresdffsaf
I'm baking with my aunt tomorrow, but hey, maybe I'll be able to sleep through lunch... I'm going to try to make tomorrow a fast till 5-6ish, I'll say I ate breaky at home, sleep through lunch and say I'm eatting din at a friends house, tell friend I ate din at aunts. I know I'll end up snacking with said friend, but.. I'll try and snatch some fruit or something and make that my snack.. gotta remember waterr...
99 pounds
19.3 bmi..... T.T
I've had a very bad attitude lately.. a 'just one more bite, its the holidays' attitude... fuck but that will get me into shit on christmas... I'm Bad.
NO MORE 'ONE BITE'S 
Thats bad.. I'm bad... badbadbad >.<

95 for matty.. can I do it in a week, with christmas? Yes I fucking can. Off to the silent room exersises, oh pushups and leg lifts, what would I do without you?

Hey lookie, I'm kinda tired now.. lets try this again..

fail

I am fail. Just sayin. Need to run soon.. at least if I'm ganna eat like a horse I'm ganna run like one too.

Forest Melody

I wish I could run away. I hardly ever see anyone I care about, I rarely hang out with any of the awesome people I know, no one relies on me for anything, it wouldn't be any dramatic impact on anyones life if I just disappeared.

• • Matt Ely Hi there, my name is Matt.
    

    38 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody Hi Matt. You're a big part of the reason I'm still here. If you leave though, you'll can find me in florida (if you ever decide to look for me) unbathed and living off fruit stolen from wherever they're growing.
    

    25 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody‎-can
    

    25 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody or the 'll, either one can be ommited, your choice really since I don't care
    

    24 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody also, add a space and an 'it' before the period, you know, if you wanna
    

    23 minutes ago ·
  • Matt Ely I like how most of this is you correcting yourself. I'm confused anyway, but I'm sure I'll just intercept you trying to leave and drag you to my house.
    

    20 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody It's ok. I love you, so none of this matters, if at any time that stops mattering to you anymore then this will start to matter to me, but then it won't matter to you anyway, it won't ever matter for you, basicly, don't worry about it dear, it doesn't matter.
    

    14 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody No wait, the reason this doesn't matter to me is because you love me, if THAT stops THEN this will matter to me but it still won't to you. It amounts to the same thing though, it doesn't matter so don't worry about it.
    

    13 minutes ago
  • Matt Ely I'm.. so confused. We'll just leave it as "Matt loves Lynn, so she will not run away."
    

    10 minutes ago ·
  • Forest Melody pretty much yeah

Just a kinda funny little thing from facebook I felt like sharing. My name isn't Forest Melody anymore btw, I changed it a few days ago..


Yeah, so, my grandpa fell, hit his head on the ice and is in the hospital. He was bleeding pretty bad last I saw (right after he fell), at the hospital I'm told he was talking coherently and even making jokes, so that's cool. I haven't heard anything else and I don't want to make these things super depressing so, yeah, I'll make a post on it when I know more.

Also, home com is back, yaay.

BYE BYE 'POO~!

I have a bunch of things typed up that I never posted for some reason, I'm ganna start getting a few of those out. After this one that's actually from today.

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a freak about my hair, it's the one thing on me I actually really like, so naturaly I'm worried about it all the time now. I always hear/read about how terrible shampoo is for your hair and the only ones anybody ever seems to say are good, also cost a ton. Lately I decided (why didn't I sooner?? >.< no idea) I aught to look for alternatives that I could use. I found (first link) this baking soda mixture as a replacement for shampoo and (second link) a bunch of things proclaming olive oil works great for helping hair be alastic & stuffs and not break and generaly be more healthy (affects the scalp somehow too, yeah I read it and it sounds great but I'm not really.. good at.. uhm.. words.. right now). So I'ma try this stuffs and try to remember to tell you how it works out.

I took out the important parts incase you're on a phone, interested, & these links don't work.


http://simplemom.net/how-to-clean-your-hair-without-shampoo/
"Baking soda works wonders on hair, along with it's other many household helps. It's gentle, it's the weakest alkaline, and it very gently clarifies hair from chemical buildup.

Like many natural cleaners, the recipe isn't static - it can be tweaked to suit your needs. The standard amount for hair is one tablespoon baking soda to one cup of water. Those with thicker or curly hair might need more baking soda and those with thin/fine hair might need less. Experiment and see what works for you.

I use a simple 8-ounce squeeze bottle, pour in a tablespoon of baking soda with a funnel, then fill up the rest with water from the kitchen sink. I give it a good shake to dissolve the baking soda, and it’s ready to be used.

In the shower, I soak my hair with water, then I squeeze a bit of the baking soda mixture on my scalp, starting at the crown. I massage it in as I go, squeezing a bit more here and there, concentrating mostly on the scalp. I include my hair as well, but since most of the oils originate from the scalp itself, the hair will naturally get cleaned once the scalp is clarified.

After a few minutes, I rinse it out, just like I would shampoo.

For my husband and I combined, this amount will last us about a week or week and a half. He has fairly short hair, and mine is just below my ears."

(I'ma ganna add some herbs or somethin to make it smell a little better... this stuff is kinda bland, as I'm sure you can imagine)

http://hair.lovetoknow.com/Is_Olive_Oil_Good_for_Hair

" 1. In a microwave safe bowl, heat one quarter cup of olive oil for up to one minute. Be careful handling oil, it may be hot! (I read something else that says don't try to use it until its cool enough for you to leave a finger in it for five seconds.. that's probably a good idea, scorching your scalp won't help anything!)

2. Gently pour olive oil over the hair while in the bathtub or shower. (that sounds.. messy.. I'll use my hands/a brush, thanks)

3. Work oil from scalp to ends and comb through with a wide tooth comb.

4. Pin hair up onto top of head and wrap in a terrycloth towel or shower cap.

5. Relax and let olive oil soak for a maximum of thirty minutes.

6. After allowing treatment time to penetrate, rinse hair thoroughly. "

(7 says to shampoo after, you can if you wanna, I'm ganna try the baking soda thing though)

Types to Use

There are three type of olive oil: virgin, extra virgin, and pure. These types are based on the olive's first, second, and third press to excrete oil. The first press is extra virgin olive oil, and is generally the tastiest and most expensive. For hair treatments, pure olive oil will do the trick. (yay I don't have to try and talk parents into buying the expensive stuff!)

Hey Honor! You might like this lol

http://www.unjury.com/reg/unflavored_protein.shtml

20g of protein for 80 calories??? Yeah baby! =D lol

Mixed into water with one of those five calorie chiken flavor squares.. this would be an awesome, warm, filling and proteiny 85 calories.
It says the flavor disapears under fruity conditions like Crystal Light, so if you want something fruity that works with your ketosis, it could go mixed in with some of that & a 0 cal sweetner or two (or ten if you're me) if you're still tasting it.

So, been drinking coffee with almond milk and.... sugar... all day. I had a wicked headache and was in a 'fuck it I hurt and really cant be bothered to care' mood. That magical concoction worked its uh magic (yay redundency) and I think I might actually make it though the rest of the day without crying.. again.

Hershey's Cookies'n'creme - 220 calories of almost nothing but sugar and fat
                                                  +
Huge fucking rice crispie treat - 310 calories of absolutly nothing but sugar
                                                  =
530 calories - I really don't deserve anything else today but a stomach ache from too much coffee

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, I just had the worst couple of days in a long fucking time. It started out with three days where I ate 'normal' cause I was snowed in the house with the fam. On the morning I finally was able to get out, I checked my weight..
104
one hundred and fucking four
yeah, I freaked, I broke down and cried like I haven't in forever.
Matt was having a bad day, I don't remember why anymore because MUCH worse came later, but at the time I thought it was terrible and it just made the day worse. I was MESSED UP that day, I was getting numb over things that would make a normal person cry, I was crying over annoyances and getting angry at things that would normaly have made me laugh..
Then I got home and got a text from Matt......
his ex had come over (the one he was loyal to for three years that cheated on him several times AND TOLD HIM ABOUT IT WHILE HAVING SEX WITH HIM, basicly mentaly and emotionaly abused him for three years, no this isn't just coming from him, she confermed it and said he deserved it! God I want to fucking punch her self absorbed, pimply blond head into a mush after I rip off her fingers and toes and shove them down her throat raw! Erm... anyway...) and told him she had tested positive for fucking herpies and that she didn't know when she had gotten it and he might have it too, which means I might have it if he does.
That was just too much. I broke the fast I'd meant to keep for another day or two and had a salad so I wouldn't get sick off my medicine. I finished off a bottle of dxm, not actually even enough to get me to first platue, but enough to put a fog over things.
Then my best friend (I don't even know why she has the title still, I never talk to her anymore, but then, I never really talk to anyone besides Matt anymore and out of all my friends (besides Matt) she still knows the most about me..) called me. She's anti-drug to the max. I remember thinking "I shouldn't talk to her," but.. this is going to sound really stupid, and it is but I was high >.<.. The vibration of the phone felt so fucking awesome I decided I had to tell her about it.
We fought.
I told her things I've been thinking (thank god no ana thoughts slipped out) that I would NEVER have said otherwise. I was able to patch it up the next day saying I hadn't meant anything I said, it was all the drugs. That, of course, reinforced her antidrugness and gave her cause to lecture me. I also realized how true it all actually is. (hense the doubting of the bestfriendness now)
Dxm fucks with your head, yeah, it makes you something your not while you're on it. It makes me honest. Hah, isn't that rich? Honesty is what makes people mad at me, I have to lie to live comfortably with people.
I think that's part of the reason I love Matt, I don't lie to him, and he still loves me... he's an amazing person, that he can accept and love without haveing to understand and worry without being restricting or angry..
anywho, I weighed again the next morning, 97 (I was rather dried out.. I guess the dxm did that? dunno) I'd been at 96, so I gained about a pound, the rest was just water weight and bloat I guess, whatev, I'll take it.
I'm back on track, it's been crazy and I'm still kinda down, but I'm back with a plan. Coffee today, tomorrow I'll have the lovely low cal soup & grapefruit meant for today and the next day I'll have my mellon, meant for tomorrow >.<
I want that mellon :( but I have to have at least one good day first, then I can have my mellon and damnit that good day is ganna be tomorrow! I don't want my poor little mellon to go bad...
I'm still having violent thoughts about that bitch... it's rare someone inspires this kind of rage in me..
I'm going to end this now because if I don't I'll probably write another three or four pages about her...

/end rant

http://anglospherion.blogspot.com/2010/04/omg.html
"The fat is not just stuck to the outside people, its on the inside pushing out and squashing all the organs."
*shudder*
I can just imagine my poor organs screaming at me.. scared and stuck in all that fat..
unable to function right because they're trapped and squished
pleading, just for a little space to work
"Get rid of this fat so I can move! Please, I need some room, I'm suffocating!"
And my poor muscles, streached to the limit, they can't build on themselfs because they're all streached out by fat, fat is ruining my body, I have to get rid of it.

"

 

I typed it out cause I was bored and looking for something to do, basicly the highlited part is the important part if you're low on time.

"When calories are burned in a laboratory they are all created equal and release the same amount of energy. There is no difference between a thousand cal of kidny beans, a low fat muffin or cola-- until they are metabolized.
Your bodys metabolism is like the air resistance in the example above. The calories you eat are absorbed at different rates and have different amounts of fiber, carbs, protine, fat and nutrients, all of which translate into different complex metabolic signals that control your weight.
For example, the sugar from a soda enters your blood very rapidly while the same amount of sugar from kidney beans enters your blood slowly. If you drink a soda all the sugar in it goes into your bloodstream at once and the calories you aren't using at that moment will be stored as fat. On the other hand if you eat the kidney beans and the sugar in them is absorbed over time your body has a greater chance to make use of those calories. That means more will be burned and less will be stored. Also because of the high fiber content of the beans not all the calories will be absorbed. Recent studies have turned the idea that all calories are created equal on its head." pg 21-22 of Ultrametabolism: The Simple Plan for Automatic Weight Loss
 By Mark Hyman
http://books.google.com/books?id=ROZpwAolfS0C&printsec=frontcover&dq=how+to+order+off+a+menu+and+lose+weight&source=bl&ots=GerrOswb8o&sig=9dRS6p5-jAeTgjbKyIPMfZBJwz8&hl=en&ei=iu8ATYCsGdGpnge569jlDQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

The fiber thing is cool but it seems to imply without really saying that that is not the only reason. Why, exactly, do the calories from the beans not get absorbed as quick? Something to do with the protein and fat I'm sure.. it's annoying it doesn't say exactly though >.< I think it would be safer to just eat everything very very slowly to simulate that effect since I'm not sure what to look for in foods to know it gets absorbed slow. You know, just in case. And anyway, it could never hurt to make it even slower, right? :)

not doing good

doing worse than bad.
Doing quite dreadfuly really.

You don't have to read this, I'm just ranting, there's little to nothing about food in here. I don't even think I put why I'm upset. I'm not sure I know. I don't even know if any of this makes sense. You can skip to /end rant for something that makes a little more sense, well, for someone with an ed it does anyways.

I hate people. I'm pretty sure I've said this before but it's just been thrown in my face so much these past few days how much I HATE people. I hate people trying to make small talk with me, I hate people I don't like (in other words, most people) trying to make any kind of talk with me! I wish I could tell them 'If don't ever try to talk to you, if I make short replies that make you wonder if somethings wrong or I don't want to talk, get the hint, maybe I DON'T WANT TO TALK so you should SHUT THE FUCK UP!!' And then of course the few people I want to talk to barely ever talk to me. WHYYYY?? What's wrong with me that I attract the attention of the people I hate and repel the ones I love?? Why must life be so difficult? Why can't I fit in and be normal? I want to die, but I don't.. I want to be with Matt, but I want to be alone, I want to be free, I want to get away from here I HATE THIS PLACE.. it makes me hate myself because I don't belong.. I don't belong here, I belong in some nowhere job without anyone I know and would have to talk to (I HATE WORKING WITH FAMILY) where I can save up some money, get a van and just go, climb trees, run around, go skinny dipping, not have to deal with food and people and drama and shit. Somewhere warm where they grow things and I can steal what little food I need to survive, a few apples/oranges/whatever's growing, they won't even notice, I don't need all that much. Or whatever wild berrys I find growing. That really sounds like the perfect life, if I could just be somewhere warm I don't care about having a house, a tv, a computer, a phone. I'd have a van somewhere that I could lock myself in to sleep so I wouldn't be scared of rape or something, I could be free, compleatly and totally free. I'd have to be alone.. at least I have a plan if Matt doesn't work out.. I've always wanted that you know, most little girls dream of becoming mommys or singers or models, sure, if I have to find something in 'the real world' I'd choose model, why? I dunno, seems like the only thing I could be good at, a pretty empty shell, that's all I'd have to be. Let other people paint my shell so it looks like it's got all the stuff in it that should be there, if I can't be free, I don't want to be anything. I could be that easily, a pretty smile, a scandelous rumor, I'd never have to be anything I'm not, I could be nothing, everyone else would make up what isn't there and I could just keep being nothing and because they wouldn't be able to believe I'm nothing (people have a problem with beliving anyone could be that much different than themself unless they're beliveing themself better than everyone) they would make me something and I'd never have to be it. All because of a pretty smile. Because of a pleasing eyeshape, because I mannaged a body that a person with a normal life could never hope to get. But if I can't have the one person I want, I will be free.

/end rant

I'm ganna go jack myself up on caffeine now. Screw the bread diet, I'm not eating today. I'm not eating tomorrow, even if this mood is passed by tomorrow I promised Perfect I'd fast with her and I will. Fuck food, fuck people, fuck life.

xD just remembered

I don't know why I didn't post this (I'm to lazy to go edit) a school dance snuck up on me! xD I was worried so bad, so many people I hadn't seen in soo long (been going to night school for a year now) but it ended up being awesome! I danced the night away & my dress was a little too big lol but everyone told me it looked great. I danced with everyone, I couldn't do slowdances though. They made me too sad, god I miss Matty. We JUST talked & he's going to come to my schools prom! I love when we make these plans, it's like ensuring we'll be together that much longer :)

nothing interesting

@leto erm, is it the same for fake vanilla? I use Adams Best fake stuff and I looked it up and it said it was 0.. :/

I nibbled on a slice of sandwich meat & cheese, ate an egg white, around 100 cal of grapes and a spoonfull of penutbutter & honey mixture. I've eaten 14 packets of truvia. 5 straight from the pack to my mouth. Why? meh why not? To hell with health problems, I'm going to get them anyway if I get as skinny as I want to be the way I'm doing it. It keeps me from eating other things that have calories. I made a soup with one can chiken broth, two cans of water, a few chopped up baby carrots, two chopped radishes and a few dashes of spices. It's not bad. I haven't actually had more than a few bites though.
Threw a banana shake down the drain after two bites. 500 cal? Nuuh.

97pounds now
I can get under 95 for sure :) if I can get to 90... man that would be awesome. Aiming for 90 this month.
bmi 18.9
something changed... I swear I remember it said I'd have to be 85 to be underweight, now 94 is?
...
So confused....
I don't even care, still aiming for 90 this month.
85 is still the ultimate goal. For now.

I think I'm ganna try a one food diet with bread (& just a little bit of low cal jam) tomorrow & maybe keep it up awhile if it goes well. We've got so much bread right now. I've got half a loaf of 35 cal a slice bread in my room, we've got a loaf of 40 cal a slice and 70 a slice in the kitchen and half a loaf of 50 cal a slice in the freezer.. and so much jelly! I'm pushing the higher cal jellys on my brother, I bought a bunch of 10 cal a tablespoon jellys & I want the temptation of the others gone now ktnxbye

I miss Matt.

HOT CHOCOLATE (55 cal read on ;p)

WOOT
found a way to satisfy my chocolate craving for 55 cal, and warm me up
almost two cups of thick, creamy, super tasty hot chocolate
and it's got caffeine. I'm sure you all know of my caffeine addiction by now lol

55 cal

!<3<3!!!!!!!jkodaf!!<3<3<3<3=DDDDD!

you'll need the 40 cal a cup almond milk btw, don't skimp and get the really light stuff, you're just cheating youself out of creamyness which is the best thing about this

3/4 cup almond milk - 30
1 cup PLAIN coffee - 0
1 tbsp vanilla - 0
2 tbsp hershey's cocoa powder - 20
tsp cinnamon - 5
0 cal sweetner of your choice

55 calories of pure awesome chocolate goodness, and caffeine! Gotta <3 caffeine.
I submitted my recipe to http://www.randomanorexics.com/topic/anorexic-recipe-of-the-week/ lol

Thank you again for the math lesson Leto! I do remember the 'gator thing... now that you've mentioned it.. xD (yay for phone calculators! Aka, the only reason I survived math)

Food.. snapsnapsnap (my wrist is red..)

Perfect Oxymoron said she was going to snap herself with a rubber band whenever she thought of food.

I'm trying it.

Ouch.

Fell in love with this picture as soon as I saw it

pale/skinny/pretty

I'm glad Matty likes my paleness lol I sent him a picture of me in my funny socks and a short skirt and his first comment was on my 'gorgeous milky skin' his words not mine!

lol we ended up discussing the old south and how it's girls had a better idea of beauty than todays girls xD

17" waists, pale skin, little to no makeup, long hair

which reminds me

 I want a corset!

I wonder how small I could make my waist.. I'm sure the number would be more impressive than how it actually looks because of my height.. stupid proportions..

god I hate being average

love this one too.. I always end up pulling away from people
 not many people have caught me as I turned to leave, but I'm so very glad of the few who did.
Even the ones who didn't do it a second time..

The only good handle is a bone handle.

Too old to be innocent, 
to be sheltered, 
to be carefree and without responsibility.
Too young to have freedom, 
to be listened to and taken seriously.. 
I hate this in between, 
neither here nor there, 
not a carefree child anymore, 
not a free adult yet.


Wow, my followers really shot up while I wasn't looking, hey if I'm not following you back feel free to nag me about it lol I lose track, adhd and all, can't remember shit (literally, I used to forget I had to go the bathroom, well still do sometimes if I don't get the chance to right away, but man that was baad when I was little xD tmi, aaaanyways) nagnagnag, I know I need it! 

So, first of the month. I had a bad day yesterday, not really terrible, but around 700 cal when I was supposed to be >300, at least it was all healthy stuff, except the pizza >.< I used the energy to exercise, so I don't feel teribad. Still.. meh.

I'm going to stay under 300 every day this month, I'm going to plan every fucking bite and there will be NO deviating or I swear I'm going to cut the fuck out of myself.
I WILL learn to say no.
Fucking pizza, why the hell did I acccept the fucking pizza?? >.<
It rained the other day.. didnt even have the decency to snow and look pretty for awhile before it turned into mud. No, it rained. If there is any weather I hate more than snow or hail it's cold fucking rain.
I've been very very cold recently.. Right now my toes are cold >.< its annoying. I wish hot tea would warm my toes somehow.
So.. I was supposed to be riding up to Chicago to visit Matt the first weekend of January with my friend M who would be driving since I don't have a licence.. yeah, nope. She is no longer going. Know how I found out? Asked her how much gas money I needed to give her. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT CANCELING PLANS I'M INVOLVED IN????? Matt says he will come pick me up if he has to, but... its about 10 hours for a round trip... I don't want to make him do that... 20 hours of driving in one weekend? :(
So I'm trying to figure out if I can take a train. I have a friend who will drive me up there, I just don't know yet WHERE there is, I don't know what time and I don't know how much it will cost. I also have no idea how to figure this out because the stupid internet is being stupid and confusing.
fml

Hum :)

K laying her head on my stomach; "You're tummy isn't soft anymore L,"
Most of the time people are disgusting, stupid ect.
Sometimes I love them.

Which reminds me....

 I'm always bragging about my skinny boy

(god I wish my stomach looked like that while I slouched) 

 I decided it was time to show him off

(I want his arms, so slim..)

so I was snapping pics during our camchat last night lol

(what in the world is this look? lol I don't remember what we were talking about when I took this)

I love this boy. 

It's amazing how easy it is to talk to him, and he listens to me,
he actually understands to an extent and unlike most people, admits when there are things he doesn't...
he is accepting and occasionally comes to me with information on some vitamin or other I need to make sure I'm getting enough of.
He is one of the few people that have made me believe that he really cares.
Sure sometimes he shakes his head and tells me my body is fine, but he doesn't do what so many people would do and dismiss my worries with "Oh go eat a hamburger"

Silly me

haha I feel so silly, my guests are tomorrow! So intake for today?
80
So perfect! My goal weight is my intake today!
Hum.. I like that..
Like, a lot..
I'm going to try and do that more often. :)

ah I'm going to be wishing for those thighs for christmas

I wouldn't mind her either though 

heh

Me and K were the only ones at the tea party 

you all missed out. 

We made an amazing scientific discovery! 

;p

Tea party?

Tonight right? I don't know anymore if I can make it, we're going to have guests all day, I'm known to disappear around people though, so I could maybe make it anyways, but I'm also still confused about the time. I think it might be 6-7 for me... I live in Illinois, if anyone can help...?

Yesterday
I was ok yesterday till they brought out desserts, I only ate a normal amount, but I still purged because I shouldn't have eaten any.

Today
I'm making today a liquid fast, so far I've had about 70 calories and it's about halfway through the day :) not too bad, I know I wont be able to keep that... but it's a great start.
I think I'm going to start throwing away however much food I 'should' have eaten.
We're going to the zoo or something later tonight with afore mentioned guests. Some kind of lights show thing or something.. meh, they should be distracted enough with that to not notice me dropping bits of whatever I'm supposed to be eating, don't you think? I'll get something bready so I can pick it apart easier.
I've been sooo forgetful lately, it's majorly annoying, bah, stupid adhd.. I walk into rooms and then am like, wait... why did I come in here again?? I need to start writing down what I need/want to do.. when I stop thinking about it I can't remember until something reminds me. It's a good thing I'm ALWAYS thinking about food or I'd forget I need to restrict and just eat everything put in front of me..

If you try,

you may fail.
But not trying, that is failure in it's purest form.
So try, and if you fail, try again, fail better this time.
Keep failing better until it's so good, you can't consider it a failure.


I wrote this, both of these, and meant to share them before the thing that was not good happened and made me forget about it..

Twisted knots in our stomaches, we're tumbling down,

tired, so tired, but not ready to rest.

Too much to do. Too far to go.

Reason means nothing.

Life passes as we coast on caffeine,

dancing  to the soundtrack of our racing minds.

Time is too slow. We are too fast.

Reasons mean everything.

Still we fall further,

and further,

down, down, down,

swallowing only air,

wondering

when we'll

start to

float

.

I have my own meaning for it of course, but the only thing I can express coherently is the meaning in the structure, how it's biggest at the top, the beginning, smallest at the bottom, and up and down between, a sort of representation of our weight journeys, and of the ups and downs in emotions.

Last night;
I ate too much chocolate last night while I was making chocolate covered strawberry's, no idea how much, just kept licking the stupid spoon... I made up a reason to be mad and stormed out of the kitchen to hide in my room the rest of the night. Intake somewhere between 200-500... no idea where though..

Today;
I've been careful not to get too cheery, then I'll get comfortable. Comfort sets in, unconscious actions start, lifting things to the lips without thought.. I have a bell on my wrist, tied with a red ribbon. I have a red string tied around my waist, it hurts, but at least it makes me remember..
I must be aware of my body at all times, aware of every action.
I've eaten little so far. Just nibbles while people are around so it gets into their subconscious that they've seen me eating.
Less than most, but still too much.
Tea, lots of plain tea tea. I need to drink more.
I hate the holidays.
Nothing is ever good enough for mom, political claws come out when the liberal and conservative sides of my family come together, everything is too full of everything, the plates with food, the house with people, the people with emotion, spewing noise and filling the house up more.. I intend to be the lone pool of empty, because empty is calm, is peace, and that's what I need right now.
I will stutter and blush like always when people trap me and try to ask me things, and retreat the second they look away.
I wish I were small enough to not be noticed.
I'm not small enough..

oh wow

I never thought Adeline would come to my little blog and say something O.o I almost feel starstruck xD
Ah, what did she think? Did she like the music? Was it annoying? Is my color scheme too dark for her taste? And why are all these (REALLY) stupid worrys popping up? >.<
...
Seriously though, I feel kinda torn...
I know the name change won't make it go away, that it's deeper than that... but I love feeling part of something, knowing I'm not alone in my fast gives me strength, and for that reason I don't want to give up this group.
I want to be friends with Adeline very much... but I love Honor, my sister, and if they can't get along...

Mreh..

In food (well, drink) news;
When did they come out with 0Cal Monster?? I love it! I remember someone posting about it being hard to get the B vitamines, well, Monster Zero has 100% a serving of, B2, B3, B6 and B12. Gotta love energy drinks.
Also, got my sugar free Red Bull, finally, and now am waiting for Ivy to text me so we can try eachothers drink together lol (she has never had Monster, my favorite, and I've never had Red Bull, her favorite)

What's your favorite energy drink?

Tea party! Again. I'd better not miss this, what time is it for me?? >.< I really don't know how to figure this out, I live in Illinois in the US if anyone could help? The time for the party is Midnight on Friday GMT, if you didn't already know that.

Random news;
Got some weird motivational cloathing... I needed socks, so I went and decided to spluge and get some fun knee high socks.. they turned out to be reaaally tight over my calfs, like the designs get all streached out and distorted and.. yuck.. no way I can wear them. My mood took a nosedive until I realized I could use them as motivation, and to measure progress on my legs! If want to wear them for Matty I had better work hard so they fit soon! I'll know I'm doing great when they fall down :)
It's funny cause I never really thought of my calfs as a bad area till now, they are mostly muscle after all. I know theres, well, not none.. but not a huge amount of fat, they're better than a lot of peoples..
I guess that's my mistake, I can't compair myself to 'normal' people if I want to be exceptional.

No...

stupid.. I feel so horrible.. knowing I caused one of us to cry... I started crying as I read this, I had no idea.. I feel so horrible.. please, we never meant to replace her, we never knew why it ended, just thought it got too big too fast, she was overwhelmed, we took what was written at face value. We never knew her, never knew it was a huge deal, never thought so, didn't think to ask... we just loved the idea, we meant it to be dedicated to her.. never thought... I feel horrible now, so stupid.. I was so excited for it, I only got to participate in one fast (which I joined late too >.<)... and now... I don't know what to think... I don't want to end it.. but.. I feel so bad...
I wish I'd thought to ask....
I didn't know her..
I didn't know..

Happiness is on the outside

asked a question about religion, what do you believe?

I've never really believed in religious stuff, I've had to think about it a bit (über religious mother, grew up in catholic school, small religious town, ect.) but it honestly doesn't interest me, I feel nothing when I think of heaven or hell or just rotting in the ground, I figure if there is anything to know, I'll know when I get there and it's no use worrying over something you CAN'T know about right now. Religion is an interesting subject, but stirs no feeling in me at all. I look at it from a purely intellectual standpoint, and just as long as you're not a fanatic who's trying to convert me and tell me I'm wrong, I don't mind being around religious people or talking about it at all. Infact I like to hear the different takes people have on it

Hungry for Change is back!

http://stillhungryforchange.blogspot.com/
and ready for action! Make sure you join up in time for next months fast, I know some of us are going to need it after thanksgiving this week >.< I probably will.


I love this model, she's good, and so gorgeous. I'd love to be a photographer, but I just know I'd fuck up. This says exactly why I want to be a model, you can leave yourself out of the pictures. You SHOULD in fact. Become someone else when you're in front of the camera. Perfect for someone who loves to show off but hates them self xD

Got's me some caffeine pills, sad that I can't take them on an empty stomach though. I kinda figured I wouldn't be able to, but still, annoying to actually know I can't.
So, one muffin with (not)butter spray and a hint of peanut butter around 8:30. I'm going to try giving myself a time limit, I made a salad, I'll eat it at noon, just water/tea till then.
Matty somehow enticed me to stay up till one xD I'm so tired today, but I need to get my sleep cycle back to normal, er, as normal as I can get it when my brain likes to pick random nights it's not going to sleep..
Anyways..
I'm home today, my brother pleaded sick (he's not) so I've got to watch him.. that means I can't stay home tomorrow like I was planing to >.< I hate when my plans for the week get disrupted, especially this early into it, even if there was no need for the plan, I like having it there... eh... exercise! I need some.. bad..
Ugh  I want january to be here, I don't even care about thanksgiving or christmas, I want Matty!

this girl is living my dream

http://weliveyoung.blogspot.com/2010/11/diesel-be-stupid-rest.html
and the girl with ginger hair has my dream body

I changed a bunch of stuff out of boredom the other day, and instead of eating I built this playlist and just figured out how to add it today. It's just a mess of my favorite songs, no rhyme or reason to it.. it's on shuffle and auto play. Oh and it's at the bottom of the page if you want to shut it up or change the song.

I found this on someones blog and WOW it really made me think..

http://bradpilon.com/weight-loss/the-body-fat-trap/ 

someone is profiting from making us fat, profiting from our misery..
I certainly don't want to further this sick scheme.

Got a bunch of veggies at the store, some Can't Believe it's not Butter spray which is actually pretty yummy and found some whole wheat bread which is 65 Cal a slice, and they aren't like tiny slices either, perfectly normal sized. So this has been dubbed MY BREAD, the rest of the fam can keep their 147 cal a slice stuff thank you, I've got my own now :) froze half the loaf to make sure it wouldn't get stale before I'm done too.

Also I've got a new trick, if you want to eat any potential-to-start-a-binge food, you can have it... IF you drink AT LEAST half a liter of water or tea first, two if you can get away with it. I'm sure most of us carry a bottle around already, at least, I do lol
It worked very well this morning, went to my aunts house and she had a bunch of fresh out of the oven pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread and chocolate chip cookies. All of which she need me to try of course.. So I went to the bathroom, finished the other half of my bottle of tea, filled it with water, downed that, filled it again, got about half down and took a muffin. I was feeling plenty full, sick-full almost, by the time I finished the muffin :) so I told her I'd eaten a bunch at home (after dad left the room) and got away with bringing some home. Had a little bowl of her soup for lunch and that's all I'm planning to have today.
Ganna try to go to the mall to get out of the house tonight. Might do a sleep over.. further my health nut status by insisting I won't have anything but fruit & tea for breaky :)

Miracle of miracles,

she whispered "98" today.

Now if only I'd been able to go to the Harry Potter premiere...

that would have completed the perfection.
(just feel the need to point this out, Emma Watson = first celeb crush lol)

Mom says it would get me too 'run down' and that she wants to go see it with me.. 

We went to see all the others together after all.

Sounds kinda sweet right?

Take into consideration that at the time I HAD no friends to go see it with 

AND

that she NEVER NOTICED

and it's no longer quite so sweet...

meh

I'm ganna ditch her anyways and go see it with V sometime

might even get a makeout session during the credits heh

Matty doesn't mind (thank god, as bad a flirt as I am)

actually a direct quote;

"As long as you tell me about it afterward so I can masturbate to it, hell go have an orgy! Just make sure you describe it in vivid detail, no skimping, I know how good you can be with words," 

We have a deal, since we're so far apart we're allowed to erm 'mess around' as long as we tell each other.

Surprisingly (well, surprising if you're going off girl/guy stereotypes and not off actually knowing us) 

I've taken advantage of this more than he has...

Physically, yes he's the male, everything else.... 

Which reminds me, we're dressing him up (he already has the outfit, purple skirt, striped tights and a black V-neck knit shirt), re-plucking his eyebrows and doing his makeup when I come in January. 

I'm still unsure which of us is more excited lol

I found out he wants to become androgynous so he can choose to look male or female on any given day, he's going to be taking hormones to help with this. 

This is ganna be fun :)

haha it's a good thing how open minded I am, and that I've considered myself pansexual since I learned what it was. 

and I've always had a thing for traps... 

This makes me want to do a couples thinspo,



I think I've fallen in love with Maria


Sorry for the lack of posting lately, my computer at work had to get disconnected so it could be moved and it seems like every time I'm home someone else is on.

I finally broke my platue today (99 :/ I just feel pathetic because it took so long) but I have only been half heartedly counting Cal, I just can't muster up the energy to care... *sigh* I'm sick. Not even some stomach thing that would keep me from wanting to eat, nope, my joints and head hurt and I've got yellow mucus coming out of places no one should have to see yellow mucus come out of.. ehgh
it's only noon and I've eaten almost 900 calories.... what a fail, disgusting fat ass fail. Thats more than even someone on a normal diet should have eaten by now...

bmi > 18 = too fucking high

oh my god, I missed the tea party... I'm so retarded >.< I can't believe I missed it.. /sigh

I'm sorry guys, I've been so out of it lately... 

well, 

I did promise pictures and she finally got them up... so...

I do like the green dress.. 

yeah..

my thighs and upper arms are the most disgusting things ever... 

this is 100 pounds for me

disgusting...

S - I'm so short I'm not even underweight at 100 pounds I'm average, I'm fucking average.. ugh

I need to get to 85 before I'm underweight.

  

I was wanting to brag about my Oppa being into photography

I decided to let his pictures do it for me.

^.^

I love the forest clearing ones, just so peaceful and still.

Beautiful. 

I know these aren't the pictures I've been promising xD but my photographer has only gotten face shots up so far /sigh

I'm still too paranoid for that...

I'll get some up when I can blur face though lol promise