not doing good

doing worse than bad.
Doing quite dreadfuly really.

You don't have to read this, I'm just ranting, there's little to nothing about food in here. I don't even think I put why I'm upset. I'm not sure I know. I don't even know if any of this makes sense. You can skip to /end rant for something that makes a little more sense, well, for someone with an ed it does anyways.

I hate people. I'm pretty sure I've said this before but it's just been thrown in my face so much these past few days how much I HATE people. I hate people trying to make small talk with me, I hate people I don't like (in other words, most people) trying to make any kind of talk with me! I wish I could tell them 'If don't ever try to talk to you, if I make short replies that make you wonder if somethings wrong or I don't want to talk, get the hint, maybe I DON'T WANT TO TALK so you should SHUT THE FUCK UP!!' And then of course the few people I want to talk to barely ever talk to me. WHYYYY?? What's wrong with me that I attract the attention of the people I hate and repel the ones I love?? Why must life be so difficult? Why can't I fit in and be normal? I want to die, but I don't.. I want to be with Matt, but I want to be alone, I want to be free, I want to get away from here I HATE THIS PLACE.. it makes me hate myself because I don't belong.. I don't belong here, I belong in some nowhere job without anyone I know and would have to talk to (I HATE WORKING WITH FAMILY) where I can save up some money, get a van and just go, climb trees, run around, go skinny dipping, not have to deal with food and people and drama and shit. Somewhere warm where they grow things and I can steal what little food I need to survive, a few apples/oranges/whatever's growing, they won't even notice, I don't need all that much. Or whatever wild berrys I find growing. That really sounds like the perfect life, if I could just be somewhere warm I don't care about having a house, a tv, a computer, a phone. I'd have a van somewhere that I could lock myself in to sleep so I wouldn't be scared of rape or something, I could be free, compleatly and totally free. I'd have to be alone.. at least I have a plan if Matt doesn't work out.. I've always wanted that you know, most little girls dream of becoming mommys or singers or models, sure, if I have to find something in 'the real world' I'd choose model, why? I dunno, seems like the only thing I could be good at, a pretty empty shell, that's all I'd have to be. Let other people paint my shell so it looks like it's got all the stuff in it that should be there, if I can't be free, I don't want to be anything. I could be that easily, a pretty smile, a scandelous rumor, I'd never have to be anything I'm not, I could be nothing, everyone else would make up what isn't there and I could just keep being nothing and because they wouldn't be able to believe I'm nothing (people have a problem with beliving anyone could be that much different than themself unless they're beliveing themself better than everyone) they would make me something and I'd never have to be it. All because of a pretty smile. Because of a pleasing eyeshape, because I mannaged a body that a person with a normal life could never hope to get. But if I can't have the one person I want, I will be free.

/end rant

I'm ganna go jack myself up on caffeine now. Screw the bread diet, I'm not eating today. I'm not eating tomorrow, even if this mood is passed by tomorrow I promised Perfect I'd fast with her and I will. Fuck food, fuck people, fuck life.