If you try,

you may fail.
But not trying, that is failure in it's purest form.
So try, and if you fail, try again, fail better this time.
Keep failing better until it's so good, you can't consider it a failure.


I wrote this, both of these, and meant to share them before the thing that was not good happened and made me forget about it..

Twisted knots in our stomaches, we're tumbling down,

tired, so tired, but not ready to rest.

Too much to do. Too far to go.

Reason means nothing.

Life passes as we coast on caffeine,

dancing  to the soundtrack of our racing minds.

Time is too slow. We are too fast.

Reasons mean everything.

Still we fall further,

and further,

down, down, down,

swallowing only air,

wondering

when we'll

start to

float

.

I have my own meaning for it of course, but the only thing I can express coherently is the meaning in the structure, how it's biggest at the top, the beginning, smallest at the bottom, and up and down between, a sort of representation of our weight journeys, and of the ups and downs in emotions.

Last night;
I ate too much chocolate last night while I was making chocolate covered strawberry's, no idea how much, just kept licking the stupid spoon... I made up a reason to be mad and stormed out of the kitchen to hide in my room the rest of the night. Intake somewhere between 200-500... no idea where though..

Today;
I've been careful not to get too cheery, then I'll get comfortable. Comfort sets in, unconscious actions start, lifting things to the lips without thought.. I have a bell on my wrist, tied with a red ribbon. I have a red string tied around my waist, it hurts, but at least it makes me remember..
I must be aware of my body at all times, aware of every action.
I've eaten little so far. Just nibbles while people are around so it gets into their subconscious that they've seen me eating.
Less than most, but still too much.
Tea, lots of plain tea tea. I need to drink more.
I hate the holidays.
Nothing is ever good enough for mom, political claws come out when the liberal and conservative sides of my family come together, everything is too full of everything, the plates with food, the house with people, the people with emotion, spewing noise and filling the house up more.. I intend to be the lone pool of empty, because empty is calm, is peace, and that's what I need right now.
I will stutter and blush like always when people trap me and try to ask me things, and retreat the second they look away.
I wish I were small enough to not be noticed.
I'm not small enough..