New diet! And some weird depressing stuff while I'm not actually depressed?

Kekwick Diet! One of Ana's Boys  is doing it. (actually one of the first blogs I found and the inspiration for my name) I'm starting saturday.
I've been thinking about doing this diet, but you know me, I can't seem to do anything unless I'm doing it with someone xD so I'm going to pretend he notices my comments and is supporting me too =D yay for delusions! I swear not much else is keeping me going right now >.<

I feel more twisted than ever, knowing everything I keeping going for is unstable at best and a complete delusion or lie at worst, but stubbornly disregarding whoever is thinking this and embracing the thoughts treating it as absolute fact.

Feeling nothing really right now.
Matty; I have no idea how long we’ll be together, my more cynical side laughs at the idea of love and soul mates, but another part of me yearns for it and I’m clinging so tightly to this ‘he’s the one’ thing. I know it’s complete crap, but I can’t let myself believe that.

Sexy; Part of me actually has the audacity to say ‘You ARE sexy’ the rest of me kinda laughs at that part. Ana laughs louder than me. I’m flabby and disgusting, skinny is at least better than that. But I feel like I’m going to just end up an ugly mess of bones. I already have no tits and no ass. Is Matt lying when he says he likes my body? I don't even want to think about it, I'll go with 'he's just trying to make me feel better' and leave it at that.

Future; Man I don’t even fucking know.

Friends; haha what friends? I barely talk to Mic or Vin anymore and they are the only people I ever talked to much. Matty is pretty much all I have. I don’t feel like making the effort, I feel like they’re perfectly happy not talking to me, why should I fuck that up? There is nothing I can give them, it seems like I can only maintain one relationship at a time and I could not stand to lose Matt. So if they want to try I’ll be happy, but they won’t, why would they want to deal with me?

I wrote and read all of that without feeling much of anything. This ‘not feeling’ thing is getting kinda annoying. I almost want a breakdown. I feel like I need to cry sometimes but it just doesn't happen, tears form when I throw up but that’s not really crying. I want to tear into my skin to make myself feel SOMETHING. Thinking about it doesn’t even do anything for me. I think about ripping into my skin, pulling fat out of me by hand. Nothing. Feels like my mind belongs to someone else who is looking at me, my body, my life and my thoughts and thinking "God how pathetic is this person? She has a naturally good body, has somehow managed to attract good people as friends, she is smart, her family has a good amount of money. She has all the opportunity in the world, she has the ability to take it and she SEES it, she just doesn’t do anything. Instead she’s looking at drugs and fucking her body over. What the hell is wrong with her?" I can hear this person thinking, urging me to get better, take some of that opportunity, do something USEFUL, HELPFUL and GOOD... but that person is usually in the back of my mind, in the forefront is usually Ana along with Cynical Thoughts, Depressed Thoughts, Romantic (or ‘Idealistic’) Thoughts or, less commonly, someone else. I usually think Cynical is more Me than the others, but I’m not really sure. Someone just laughed as I read over this "BPD much?"
Yeah, I don’t doubt it.

I need to get rid of this candy. I think I'm going to just throw it away. I hate throwing things away, but it will be just as wasted as fat in my body right?