how did I let this happen? 96.. I would have thought 95 & up would put me in panic mode but it hasn't.. some kind of sick resignation is here instead.. I can't imagine myself getting skinny, god I'm just a right mess aint I? I saw 96 on the scale this morning and felt a little sick, I came up with a plan, only oranges and water today... then I went and ate cake.
There is somthing wrong with me. How did I go from 93 to 96 in just three days? Oh yeah, I ate and didn't do shit about it. No exercise, no purging, nothing. I need to build up some muscle so this isn't so hard.. I wish there was a gym closer or I had a workout buddy, I'm such a pathetic lazy fuck.. I don't have any excuse, I COULD have run last night, but I didn't. I COULD have said no to the cake, but I didn't. Its not like I'm starving (god I should be..) I'm not even binging, I'm eating 'normaly' and I'm hating myself for it. I've had small amounts of ice cream, I've had ham, I've had bread and peanutbutter and jelly and butter(WHAT POSSESSED ME TO PUT PLAIN FUCKING FAT ON MY CARBS??). Thats what I've been eating for the last couple of days and I feel like a pig. I want to blame the birth control but I know it's my own fault..
I wish I could go back to Matt and live with him, it was so easy there, I didn't even think about food till it was shoved infront of me then I only had a little and it was so easy to ignore my belly when his arms were around me or his lips were on mine... and when he put his hands on my hips I knew nothing was worth more than pleasing him and my skinnyness did that well.. I was 93 pounds for him.. for him, can I do it for him? I need to remember that, how he could put my hip bone in his mouth it stuck out so much, how, howhowhow in a week could I have gone from that to THIS..
ugh people need to get here and take the cake away NOW.. I can literally feel a pull from the kitchen.. I want to go downstairs but I'm afraid to get up because it will pull me in.. WATER! Chugchugchug, I need to just make myself sick.. problem with water sickness is it wears off so quick.. at least it'll hold me long enough to get downstairs though..
GOD DAMNIT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND JUST DO IT YOU FAT RETARD
Hey, don't call my friend a fat retard! Jokes, I know how you feel, having a fat day myself!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if we can't motivate each other via e-mail? We could check in every day and come up with some kind of forfeit for if we fuck up. Think about it and let me know. I'm keen to try anything!
As some one who cares, DON'T go near that cake, it wants to cling to your every bone!!! <3. XXX.
Love we always screw up...We always get it off. Yes the shot may have a bit to do with it, but we can get it all off. You know why? Take this day in stride, finish it. Go to sleep. Wake up and say "I will make today better than yesterday." And do it. That's all we can do sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnd your not stupid. Just look at me! I binge almost every time I work, and I know you know I do.
Finish today. Make tomorrow better. And most of all, BREATH.