Honest Scrap

First, thanks Ariäna! ^.^
for you;

ok.. how many am I supposed to put up? 10? Ok.. here goes..

1. When I was little I tried to use dull and 'ugly' colors more because I felt like they didn't get enough attention.

2. One summer my friend met a guy on the internet, he lived a few states away, we decided we all had magic powers. During the two years they dated, we were all vampires, or sometimes werewolfs, we talked to and sometimes fought spirits, we had guide spirits, and we all had powers, she was a healer, he was a warrior and I was a sort of energy node for them, I sensed where pools of magic were, I could store it inside me, channel it where I chose ect. I also talked to animals for some reason, I think I just wanted to.

3. I ran away one winter. Forgot my shoes. I spent the night in the park about a block away from my house and came home in time to get ready for school. Missed breakfast though.

4. In 7th grade I was arguing with someone and they said 'Bite me'. I did.

5. If I'm walking alone I have to keep a distance from parked cars. I'm afraid there is someone in them just waiting for someone to get close enough... A moving car? I'm getting the fuck away from the road ktnxbyenao.

6.  I speak gibberish to myself when I'm alone and pretend I'm speaking a different lanuguage. I don't speak any other language.

7. I like Pokemon, InuYasha and Sailor Moon. Once at an anime convention I was in a live pokemon battle. My friend and I both went as pokemon, we planned our battle, rehearsed it, and did it in the middle of a side room, we gathered a fair crowd, yay for masks! (without mine I don't think I could have done it xD)

8. One summer I decided I was a thief living in the hills (my room was upstairs) and I had to steal food from the rich lowlanders (my parents downstairs) to live. Most days I didn't eat during the day, then I would come downstairs at night, to eat undercover. I didn't eat in front of my parents that whole summer.

9. I'm pretty damn good at getting lost in a book. One day in school last year I told my (now ex) boyfriend to call me around 8-9 that night, first thing I did when I got home (around 4:00pm) was open a book, thinking I'd read till he called.. he didn't call, and when I finished the book and looked up, the sun was rising. Damn good thing it was Saturday morning!

10. At some point in my life, I want to breed African Servals (first vid) and Savannah cats (second vid)





Omg, I almost forgot I'm supposed to pick people for this! O.o I have NO idea who has gotten it or not.... so, ignore me if you have lol

Alyss 
Gina
.....everyone else I can think of has one already! T.T

friday...

I decided I was going to get drunk. Over did it, of course. Knocked back 7 shots of whiskey, 3 of gin and 2 of Vodka in about 14 minutes. All around 90 proof (I didn't know what that meant, Matt said it means "Shit strong enough that a beginner shouldn't be fucking with, especially as tiny a beginner as you,") I liked the way it burned, and I'm kinda proud I didn't 'spit'... Matt didn't think I'd be able to do it. Proved him wrong... but also kinda wish I hadn't.. Pretty sure I threw up on webcam, but I don't remember for sure. I do know I passed out in it. 'Cause I woke up in it.. so nasty, but worse, I've also STILL got a queasy stomach >. > two days later... wtf?
Matt stayed up till about 4 that night hoping I'd wake up, I'm not sure what to think of that, cute, he was worried, but he screwed up his sleep cycle again which I've been getting annoyed about..

3 months till my b-day, then another year till I can move out.... so far away.....
I can't sleep.. I wish I could be with Matt, I've slept well every time I was curled against him.. I don't know, I guess he just makes me comfortable enough to sleep. Normally I can't stop thinking about shit, but with him.. it's easy to be.. quiet..
I miss him..

I don't feel like trying to remember everything and the cal counts, suffice to say I know (aside from friday) I stayed under my limit, not saying anything about the quality of the shit I've been putting in me, but I stayed under my limit...

Three more months and one more year, I'll be sleeping well every night... it just seems so far...

sgd day4 limit-500

10:00
forth cup original fiber one-30
1/3 cup mixed veggies-35
mug of tea-0

12:30
cup kashi-120
cup milk-80
half cup kashi-60
half cup milk-40
forth cup of fiber one-30
half cup berrys-40

bread-100
peanutbutter-142

sgd T-582
actual total-677

/sigh, why do I keep going just over? Well, I burned it off like rules said, I still feel like I ate way too much.. and I started off today terrible, I ate the icing off TWO doughnuts and the filling out of one of them... I wish my grandpa would just stop bringing in sweets... I'm weak... I just need to get stronger.. I went and did pushups till I couldnt push myself up anymore though, I plan to do some more small workouts throught the day, hopefully that will counteract my gluttony...

Elara, totally, I snag as many of those sweeteners as I can when I go out lol I just wish it were common to stock stevia!

Ariana, I'm 5ft exactly >.> so at 93pounds my bmi is 18.2 not anything great.. yet.

day3 limit-400

kashi strawberry cereal- 120 per cup without strawberrys & rasberrys I'm estimating 100 without (plus I used less than a full cup)

half cup skim milk-40

fiber one original-60

bread-100

honey-60

boulion broth cube-5

slice lite Bologna-60 (WEAK, why, why. WHY did I eat this? I'd have been under without it...)

T-435

Yes, I went over.. I followed the  rules though and exercised it off, plus some. I guess I did ok, down a pound from yesterday, at 93 now. Today will be and tomorrow, ugh, I keep saying 'next week I'll get to 90!' and it hasn't happened yet... I'm not going to say it will happen, but I'm going to say I'm going to try for it. 

I was in such a binge mode yesterday..... I actually ate that honey straight out of the jar, thank god there was only a tbsp left..

now add fruits and veggies..

carrots-25

half banana-50

coconut milk-60

all fruit jelly-35

2 tbs ketchup (without HFCS, lable checked, nothing but tomato and spices)-40

orange-64

T-709

After I had the banana and coconut milk I sat there thinking about the banana on my dads desk... I kept thinking 'he won't mind..' then 'OMG you FAT ASS, it's NOT YOURS, keep your damn pudgy paws off it!' I think it's from eating in the morning before work, I didn't do that yesterday and I was great, but the first day of the diet I did and it turned out.. a lot like this.. 

I'm rather proud of myself for having the forsight yesterday to prevent a cookie binge today. I mentioned earlier that mom bought a pack of double stuff oreos right? Well, I went and put the (already half eatten! god my mom is fat) pack in her car last night so they wouldn't be here to tempt me today. I don't know how I'll explain that if she finds out but, at least I won't eat them! I also set out the mini doughnuts mom bought so people would see them and hopefully eat them before I was up, which also worked :) so, no sweets for me today! 

Which reminds me.. 

I really need to restock my sweeteners >.> I'm running low, I have like three packs of splenda and two sweet&low, the fruit should keep me for now, it's sweet enough on it's own. But... I need some. I think my friend is finally getting her license, maybe we'll go to lunch this weekend and I can stock up.. 

sgd day2

banana-100
tbsp lite peanutbutter-48
half cup origanal fiber one-60
carrots and green onion boiled in water-35
forth cup origanal fiber one-30
forth of 100cal bread slice-25

T-298

I don't feel the need to do 'minus fruit and veggie' since I came out under the total anyway. Kick ass day, no? Well, I weighed myself, 94 *wince* last week I was 92... /sigh damn you cookies... so much for getting under 90 this week, but I've been thinking (result of a talk with Matt) I have to be ok with slow progress, it's healthier. I'm not even 18 yet.. and chicago is fucking cold >.>
But yesterday felt so amazing... *conflicted*
I think I'm just going to stick to this diet for now and not think about it. High fruit and veggies is a healthy AND skinny diet, good compromise for now. Need to get some more tea.
Later lovelys <3

ok, yesterdays intake, kinda, bleh
half cup fiber one & half cup milk-100
half a doughnut (pear filling) I have no idea, the whole dougnut was around 200, half of it would have been 100, but I ate it weird, I ate the fruit filling out first, then was nibbling at the bread part.. No idea, so I'm going with 100. My grandpa came in with them and insisted I eat one. He literally watched me until half of it was gone and someone distracted him and I was able to pitch the rest.
One tangerine - 25
topping off pizza, it was all veggies besides the cheese, so... I'm going to put it at about 150, cause I'm not sure if they added stuff to the sauce.
a few tbsp coconut milk in coffee, that counts towards fruit right?
I also downed about a half gallon of tea. I filled up an empty gallon milk jug with plain tea and it's half gone now.

Total (minus veggies & fruit)- around 350
with veggies and fruit, it's probably up around 500-600, so, meh

Today I made a 'light' peanut butter :) I've always thought peanut butter was a little strong anyway, before I've tried mixing it with milk, almond milk, soy, oil, honey.. never really got the result I was looking for. Finally today I decided, why not water? It probably won't screw with the taste, just make it less strong, and it'll reduce the calories. It is perfect. I found that equal parts peanut butter and water works perfectly for me, which makes the math easy and just cuts the calorie count in half. My peanut butter is 95cal a tbsp, so the lite version is 48 calories a tbsp, how awesome is that? For whoever told me their peanut butter didn't spread very well, this spreads like a dream. It looks watery at first, but let it sit for a minute and the peanut butter like, soaks up the water or something, it's kinda neat. You've gotta spend a fair amount of time mixing it well though, and if it's not strong enough for you, just add more peanut butter. You'll have to figure out your own cal amount though :p yucka math xD

My mother needs to figure something out. If she doesn't do what I want, I'M NOT GOING TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS. Pretty damn simple. Why do people get stupid when they have kids? I'm sorry you got me, I didn't choose to come here, if it wern't for the law I would NOT be living here, so no, putting a roof over my head does not equal me being your slave because I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO BE HERE. If I did, it would be a different story, but I don't. And seriously, is asking to go grocery shopping that big a deal? This has been going on for years... she went without me again last night. I'm pissed.

Thanks so much for answering that question Gina! :)

Crazy

It still depresses me beyond all reason when he leaves without saying 'I love you'
I've been told I have a tendency to... overdo things.
The slightest things send me spiraling down, like when he just says 'g2g bye' and logs off. How stupid is that? I love him more than anyone, more than ana even. I would gladly take the knowladge that I could never become skinny if I could also have the knowladge that he'd always be there for me.
Point? I feel like I'm overdoing this love thing.
What can I do though? Hide it I guess. Not that I'm in love, no he knows that, but just how far it has gone. Like I do with... this. He knows, and I complain to him every once in awhile about how big something looks on me when I'm feeling really down, or after a bad binge, but I'd never let him know just how big I feel all the time. No one besides you guys can know that, they can't understand it.
It would be so much nicer to just not care so much. Its easier to deal with people you don't care about because you're not afraid of them leaving you. I want this last year to be over now, because I want to be with him, I want to be where I can see him every day and.. keep an eye on him... obsessive freak...

Anywho, will post intake tomorrow when it can't be changed. So far so blah. Not over limit, but NOT good. Too damn close...

JOY FORCE

So be joyful now.

Ktnxby

The Skinny Girl

Skinny Girl Diet

I keep seeing this mistaken for the ABC, this isn't near as harsh as the ABC. This is the Skinny Girl diet, based off the ABC. 


This is the ABC;
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
I recognize I'm not an Ana. EDNOS, that would be me. I'm not disciplined enough, not thin enough, to be an Ana. One of those elite, ethereal, perfect Anas. I'm just going to keep slugging towards my goal though, maybe someday someone will call me ana. I'll laugh at them. But it'll feel nice to be mistaken for one. Like being mistaken for a model. You know your not, but it's like, wow they really think you're that beautiful? Being called ana would mean.. they think I have self control, they think I'm thin, they think I don't eat. I'm clean, pure, perfect.

Point of this is, I'm doin the Skinny

I NEED DISCIPLINE.

90
I will get there. Next week, I said so and damnit it's going to happen. I've been eating(ewwewwewwWAYTOOMUCH), but I've been exercising (hopefully) enough to cancel most of it out. I'm still going to be scared of the scale for awhile when I get home, I'll probably wait at least till my stomach deflates a little from all I've been stuffing into it. I swear it blows up like a freaking balloon. Exercise needs to continue while restricting too. I NEED DISCIPLINE.

Thats the stomach I want, that hint-of-abs and nothing else... guf

I want to wear one of those stomach necklace things, what are they even called? Like the models do.

Belly ring & ribs. Do want.

What needs to be said?

Ewwww

Stuffed myself today, rice pudding for lunch, bagel with almond butter and topped with honey for a snack, soup for dinner, apple pie with whip cream for dessert, then ten cookies with icing just because I'm a fatty. Oh, and several glasses of milk. I don't even want to try and count the calories... I literally feel sick from all the sugar, I feel even sicker thinking about it. Exercise. I have to be up till midnight to talk to Matty anyway, he's going out to some geek thing and won't be back till then, I'll be exercising, at least two hours. Have to get up there in a half hour to start...
ewww god I'm such a fat ass, I can't believe I kept eating when I didn't have to. I proved my aunt wrong, I'm not skinny. When she first saw me she freaked about how skinny I've gotten but since she saw me start eating she hasn't said a word. I bet I just got fatter with ever calorie I inhaled and she could see it and now she wonders why she ever thought I was skinny, because now she sees what a fat pig I truly am.
Nasty. Fucking. Pig.
I hope you girls have had a better day food-wise than I. Some exercise already built into tomorrow at least, taking down the Christmas tree because she isn't strong enough to do it herself.

Posting to avoid the binge

My brother is sitting in the kitchen chomping on a burger I made.. full calorie with high fructose corn-syrup bread, ketchup, mustard, pickles, cheese and of course, the meat. I had a tiny bite of meat, with cheese. MISTAKE. I was fine, but now, wantwantwantwant... it's not even hunger, just WANT... I had some veggies and a few beans just now (trying to get that meat and cheese taste away), my intake is between 500 and 600, where it will stay. This seems like a lot, but has actually been working fairly well, I've been doing small amounts of exercise where I can fit them in (squats in the bathroom for the win, am trying to make the small amounts add up instead of putting it all into an hour or two since I don't have that much spare time >.<), taking the long way when I'm walking, I shoveled the driveway today and the walkway too.

I'm down to 92! And this is after food and drink (water and tea) I absolutely could not believe that, I feel fat and nasty as all hell today, but I'm at my lowest weight.. I'll feel prettier when I'm under 90, I'm sure, which will happen by next week. It WILL, I'm going to my aunts this weekend but damnit I'm going to exercise my stomach off even if I don't eat too much.
 I want a little tone around there so I don't have the 'skinnyfat' look come summer, I don't want to look so flabby, also, muscle is easier to get rid of than fat, and muscle burns fat! So I've decided, build it up while I can still cover it up and if I've gotten too much, do a little fasting and it'll be gone a lot quicker than the fat. About 4-5 more months yet till the shorts and skirts make a comeback anyway.
This has become my favorite workout evah <3 I do 100 reps in one round, then give it a few minutes, do 50, a few more minutes and I can usually push out another 50.

Add some girly pushups, and

BUTT WORKOUT! This girly isn't bad thinspo either. lol the last exercise is the one I do, I didn't know about the leg lifting along with it until I found this video, I think I'll try that next time. Actually, I'm home now, how 'bout when I'm done writing.

One last thing, I've been putting spoonfulls of full sugar jelly and peanut butter down the drain (no one else really eats them but I didn't want them all to disappear at once and possibly attract notice) for the last few days and today I put the last peanut butter tub in the trash and cleaned out the second to last jelly jar. I like the glass jars, no idea what I could do with them, but I like having them for some reason. We had some fancy jellys in square jars that I really like lol
I plan to replace them with no-sugar-added-fiber jellys and no sugar peanut butter.
I wonder if I could make my own no sugar jellys with them in the summer? Learn how to pickle things, or dry things and keep them in those. Huh, anyway the meatwant is gone :)
Love you all! <3 Off to make lemon water with stevia and do some butt workouts! xD why do I like saying that so much?

 Last night in art class this girl (do not know her btw) grabbed my waist and goes "OMG YOU'ER SO TINY WHAT DO YOU EAT WHY CAN'T I DO THAT??" .......
I nearly smacked her.
Then I made sure to eat my avocado half next to her later.
I'm still not sure if I'm glad I refrained from saying "This is what I eat, maybe if you weren't shoving a cheese burger and chips in your face you could do it" or if I wish I had.
There is a boy that sits across the hall in this same class that just ticks me off. At the end of the three hour class the teacher walked by him and stops and says "Why is your paper blank?" he says "I can't draw" first of all THIS IS AN ART CLASS WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE IF YOU WON'T TRY TO DRAW????? Second, this is a loud mother f*ker that was yelling at everyone about how beautiful his drawings were. *fume*
The girl that sits next to me is an idiot. Well, maybe not a total idiot, but she's a herd animal for sure. She agreed with EVERYTHING I said. When people talk to me, they can usually get me talking. So, she did and I was, then she commented on my 'different' drawing style, I said "I like starting with the darker shadows and moving from there because when I first started it was always hardest for me to get black into the shading, and I really don't like doing line drawings, I think when you're doing realism it comes out looking more natural with little to no line drawing" and she goes "Oh yeah I hate line drawing too" and I look over and she has three bold line drawings with minimum shading. Uhm, ok? I said something about the new school food she says, "I'm just going to wait to see what other people think of it before I decide" and when I said something about me being weird (comment about having seven packs of gum and two empty water bottles in my bag) she said "Oh yeah me too, I'm a real weirdo" I didn't talk as much after that. I don't think I've EVER met such a sheep.

So, Matt got drunk last night while we were on webcam. It was the funniest thing, first I kinda didn't want him to because I'm so used to people turning into asses when they are drunk and I was not in the greatest mood anyway. Well. He went on a rant about wanting to clone me lol and when he saw me wince at somthing he said, he guessed my thoughts right away "and I'll remove every micromolecule of fat from the both of you"
he talked about us living together too.. oh god I miss him so much.. it'll be at least two months before I see him again..
We stayed up till 3:40somthing and I'm really freaking tired, but it was worth it. He is the most adorable boy I know. Heh, his dad made him get his hair cut and it came out last night that he "don't like it 'cause it's too boyish" and he wants his long hair back. Not ganna lie, I love his hair long too, the short is cute (and yes, boyish) but his hair just looks so gorgeous when it's long.. It's the most beautiful golden brown in the sun..
ANYWAY

I'm having a can of coconut milk today, 2g carbs per serving, five servings, I'm supposed to limit to 20g carbs I think? or was it 15?.. anyway that's ten and I had one in breakfast in cheese. So, my calorie count will end up around 500 again most likely. Maybe I should try to just have half the can... meh aiming for under 500. I wonder how coconut milk in coffee is..

Plan, thinking

So, I wrote up a plan. I've already changed it twice, I've decided it's ok to change it, as long as I'm not adding to it. All I did was switch a few meals to more convenient days.
I need more almond milk (Blue Diamond Almond Breeze, the 40 cal vanilla one) 2g of carbs in one cup and one of them is fiber, 0sugar, and half a cup in oolong tea with a pack of stevia is omg sooo good.

I'm running out of artificial sweeteners, I need to go to lunch with my grandpa, my parents don't want to buy them and they are real easy to snatch from places like Courtesy Diner where I can get a piece of ham or ham and egg... for the sweeteners it's worth it. They are the only things that can keep me away from candy. I need something sweet, I simply can't cut sweets out :/ I tried once and had my worse bing ever like two days later >.>

I need to throw away the sweets hidden in my room, but I try and try and just can't seem to do it (I sat there holding a handful over the trash can last night and just couldn't drop them, finally I put one in and put the rest back, that's better than most times I've tried when I end up eating one >.>)

I remember when I was little I ate sweets all the time, could never get enough, even resorted to stealing them when no one would buy them, people would tell me I was going to get fat if I ate as much as I did so I decided that to avoid that, I would eat nothing BUT sweets, I think I was probably thinking something like all calories are equal so if I just don't eat anything else then I won't get fat and I can still eat what I want. I was 7 or 8? I've been thinking about this lately and wondering if it was the first sign of being pron to an eating disorder or just little kid weirdness, because most thoughts of weight disappeared for about a year after that was over.. though I did cycle through, I like my body and hate it. Mostly this was centered on things I couldn't do much about though, I wanted darker hair and greener eyes..
The one thing I always wanted was the ability to completely change how I looked, like the one girl in harry potter. I guess it doesn't really matter now, I just think too much.

Three hours till Aunt picks me up for school...

I feel fat.

I'm hungry.

I want summer.

I miss playing soccer.

I should go get on the treadmill.

Diet, glitter & tarot

Starting tomorrow, trying out Atkins. I'm starting to hear jokes about how little I eat, or how I hide what I eat. Joking soon turns into criticizing and fighting for things like this, I know, they've done it with other behaviors. So, I've been thinking about trying atkins for a few weeks now, I've been eating 600-900 calories consistently for awhile, and I don't seem to be able to take control of that, so I'm going to try this to help both of those problems. No way am I going to eat as much as they suggest, but I can't seem to  pull out under this calorie range, so might as well try to keep losing weight in it until I can pull it back down..
Going to try progress pictures... I got a little band thing that is tight around the thinnest part of my stomach...

eww..  I want it to rest easily at belly button level.

I'm quite in love with this song right now.

I got my cards! Plus an extra Mich thought suited me :) <3

                 Three-The Pentacles                                XVII-The Moon                    
This one is the extra                                                                  <3                              

                          

And down here is, XVI-The Tower, which I've started on :) I love fire so much, it's so opposite of ana though, the more it eats the more beautiful it becomes, I think ana's element is water, it's the most beautiful when there is nothing else in it. 

And this! Glitter and love <3 you're so right Mich, thankya bunches!

You can never have too much love or glitter~Mitch

And I got this pretty bracelet from Perfect :) 

<3

Today will be better, and so will tomorrow.

I have my motivation back, I just recived Perfects package <3 several hoodia pills, two hoodia pops, some laxatives and some pills to help with sleep (I think I'm most grateful for those, but all of it is really really awesome!). Also, a pretty red ana bracelt with a little strawberry charm, too cute! I can't wait to put it together and get it on =D

This girl is amazing and wonderful and I love her dearly <3 you should check her out!

Perfect Oxymoron

Now time to get her package put together and send it off =D can't wait!

I've been drinking green & oolong tea for a long time, today I found a forgoten box of fruit teas behind the boxes of green & oolong (I knocked them over xD) and omg the peach is wonderful, add a packet of truvia and I feel like I'm drinking candy!! It's really wonderful.

Intake for today is doing good so far, several cups of peach tea for breakfast, one bowl of broth (from the cube, so five cal), half a 70 cap slice of rye bread (so, 35) and three green beans (10?)

T-50
I have a cup of orange juice that I may or may not drink (110), two packs of crystal light (20) the other half of rye bread (35) and possibly another broth cube. So, if I have all of that my total will be 215, I might only drink half of the orange juice though, it looks so high compaired to the rest, and I'm very cold right now, and so is it >.< I guess I could add some of it to a warm fruit tea, I think there's an 'orange zinger' one in there, sounds like it might be good with some orange juice and maybe some ginger too. We'll see :) or I might have an actual orange with my orange tea, but that's cold too! >.< I need summer...  the only thing stoping me from nomnoming my way through 400 calories of fruit a day is, it's too freaking cold! It's so much easier to cool down than warm up... cool tea, fresh fruit & veggies.. man, hurry up summer!

Ate myself sick and purged, stomach still hurts, I feel disgusting.

 First, my room. It's always in a state of wreckage, but right now.. it's just really fucking bad. See.. I kinda decided I wanted to move stuff while I was sorta not in my right mind (pills anyone?) and I believe I lost motivation about the time I got the bed frame into place. (I stood on the mattress to take this pic, which is right infront of the door.)  I wish I could say this is what I did today and I didn't eat much.. but I can't. I managed over 1000 calories. Fucking cake. Mom made a cake and I cant keep my fat greedy paws off anything sweet >.< 

Liquid fast tomorrow, and the next day. NO FUCKING CAKE. I need to know I can do this..

I need this, please Ana, please, please, be with me and lend me your strength... 

I know I am nothing, and I never will be anything, without you.

Show me the way, and I will follow. 

Teach me  and  I will learn. 

Fill me with your light.

Ana my darling, 

I need you.

Now

I know whyy people drink

feelin freakin awesome compared to an hour ago & intake (with alcohol & minus purge) is about 800 and I'm ok with that~! because  its not  changing 

I got upset with and argument with matt &went and ate & purged and then parents started screaming and stuff and I couldnt deal but I couldnt fid pills so I went and drank and WOW nothing just seems to matter at all, well it does but it's not a big deal & tv has never been this fascinating before xD I NEVER watched tv and now I can just sit and stare lol 

I wish I'd been able to find pills because less calories but I couldt  but its ok cause I feel ok now, weird but ok, I kinda wish I could go drink more but Im afraid any ore will be noticed missed

Contact me! Cinnamon & anyone else.

Strive.to.starve@gmail.com, I finally got around to making an email just for this, anyone wanna talk, I'm here.
I'd love to do the motivation thing Cinnamon :)

This is just sad... Matty said "I love you. I think you're the most beautiful you possibly can be." and my first thought was you just haven't seen me under 90 ... ugh
But I'll get there.. I'll get there and I'll show him beautiful..

Also, I'm an idiot again, I left my cell at work, sorry Perfect! :(

I am a fat pig

how did I let this happen? 96.. I would have thought 95 & up would put me in panic mode but it hasn't.. some kind of sick resignation is here instead.. I can't imagine myself getting skinny, god I'm just a right mess aint I? I saw 96 on the scale this morning and felt a little sick, I came up with a plan, only oranges and water today... then I went and ate cake.
There is somthing wrong with me. How did I go from 93 to 96 in just three days? Oh yeah, I ate and didn't do shit about it. No exercise, no purging, nothing. I need to build up some muscle so this isn't so hard.. I wish there was a gym closer or I had a workout buddy, I'm such a pathetic lazy fuck.. I don't have any excuse, I COULD have run last night, but I didn't. I COULD have said no to the cake, but I didn't. Its not like I'm starving (god I should be..) I'm not even binging, I'm eating 'normaly' and I'm hating myself for it. I've had small amounts of ice cream, I've had ham, I've had bread and peanutbutter and jelly and butter(WHAT POSSESSED ME TO PUT PLAIN FUCKING FAT ON MY CARBS??). Thats what I've been eating for the last couple of days and I feel like a pig. I want to blame the birth control but I know it's my own fault..

I wish I could go back to Matt and live with him, it was so easy there, I didn't even think about food till it was shoved infront of me then I only had a little and it was so easy to ignore my belly when his arms were around me or his lips were on mine... and when he put his hands on my hips I knew nothing was worth more than pleasing him and my skinnyness did that well.. I was 93 pounds for him.. for him, can I do it for him? I need to remember that, how he could put my hip bone in his mouth it stuck out so much, how, howhowhow in a week could I have gone from that to THIS..

ugh people need to get here and take the cake away NOW.. I can literally feel a pull from the kitchen.. I want to go downstairs but I'm afraid to get up because it will pull me in.. WATER! Chugchugchug, I need to just make myself sick.. problem with water sickness is it wears off so quick.. at least it'll hold me long enough to get downstairs though..

GOD DAMNIT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND JUST DO IT YOU FAT RETARD

My parents are at least as insane as I am,

just because they stay together. This morning I woke up to screaming, not the usual screaming though.. see usually it's mom screaming insults that wakes me up and I listen to dad slowly build up to screaming.. this time.. dads shout I swear nearly rocked the house.. she bit him. In the face.... really mom? Yeah, she deserved that punch, I don't care what anyone says, she fucking deserved it. Have I ever mentioned I hate my mom? I hate dad too, but thats more of a passive hate, I mean I really REALLY hate my fucking mother. BITCH GOT PUNCHED HAHA

In other news, I went and got a birth control shot.. I regretted it right away. I was freaking out over gaining weight from it (well still am but last night was BAD, shaking, pounding heart, on the verge of tears bad), more the fear that it would somehow happen even if I ate nothing.. part of me (the crazier part) wanted to eat NOTHING till it wore off (three months, yeah) and not get another one.. you know, if I was alive.. another part wanted to go finish (oh yeah, fast, broken before it started) eating myself into a stupor, sleep and deal with it later.. yet another part wanted to overdose on something.. I went a little in between, I took enough meds to dull the fear, ate a half a can of ravioli and went to bed. Now.. I don't even know, I'm not going to even try to fast, I'm going to.. I don't know what I'm going to do, my head hurts.

I just want you guys to know I love you all & thank you soso much for.. just everything and anything.

I had ice cream

Then Dad called me fat.

and hit me..

Anyone else see the connection?

Fasting the rest of the day. Maybe tomorrow too.

Hell, why don't I just make this into my first five day fast? Since it's my first longer one, I think I'm going to do alternating days of liquid & water.

1 wed- water & tea

2 thurs- 400 liquid cal limit

3 fri- water & tea

4 sat- 500 liquid cal limit

5 sun- water & tea

Two no cal sweetners will be aloud each 0cal day.

For liquid calories,

Tea & honey, crystal light, almond milk & coffee (no actual milk), broth, fruit juice (only if no high fructose corn syrup, basicly, there is something about the way it's manufactured that lets your body absorb the calories WAY quicker than even normal sugar ((did you know they even put this crap in most breads?? Yuck..)))

If anyone has any other suggestions, they're welcome :)

I love this dress, and the girl is so pretty too..
I'll never be as thin and pretty as her (look at her legs!)
gain this moring, and well deserved..

huge and very disorganized post

So, yeah, I made it. Parents didn't catch me, I got on the train by myself & spent the weekend at his house and came home and didn't get in trouble. My biggest stunt to date and I got through it unscathed. FUCK YES. Also lost weight in the process! 93.4 this morning =D The sites can't seem to agree on what an underweight bmi is though, has anyone else noticed that? Some say under 18.5, others say under 17, so I'm right in between I guess. I'll consider myself underweight at 17, which is 87 pounds. I'm close! lol I blame the foreplay & walking.. in the cold... IT'S REALLY REALLY FUCKING COLD IN CHICAGO >.<
I love Matt. I have no doubt about that, I am absolutely and totally in love.
 The first time he undressed me he kissed my stomach and put his cheek against it and goes
'I don't know what you're talking about when you say you're fat' then he bit my hip bone

(and left a bruise xD)

 and says 'You are definitely the skinniest little thing I know' I had to respond with 'not as skinny as you' and he just shook his head and kissed me. He has the most heart melting, soft and lingering kiss.. "The kiss is the body of intimacy" he once said to me, and he kisses like he, not just believes that, but feels it in his soul.

He doesn't push me to eat, he askes me sometimes but if I say no thanks or only take a little, there is no judging, no funny looks or anything. Just acceptance. He's worried, he has told me so, but his worry isn't suffocating. He says he'd rather keep me than change me, he also said 'Someday dear, someday I hope you'll be able to see yourself like I do, because you are the most amazing person I have ever laid eyes on' I laughed and told him he must never have ever seen himself then.
Also,
I love his mother.

(you have no idea how hard it was to balance them like this)

Yeah, she bought me stuff. We all went to the mall & his sister wanted to go to Vikis secret & there was a sale, 7 of these for like 30 something$ & she got four and told me to grab three. lol I tried to ask Matt which he liked these he gave these 'not terrible' which he says is the highest anything from there would get, so I got them xD I didn't realize the coconut one was a body wash & not a lotion.. oh well. I haven't used them yet because I smell like Matt right now and don't want that to change too soon.. he let me take his hoodie & I accidentally grabbed his shirt (yes it was actually an accident) in place of one of mine, they are both dark..
I hid them under my pillow and am sleeping with them. <3 have I said yet that I have gone gaga over this boy? I've never slept with someone elses clothes before, even when an ex told me he was sleeping with mine I was just kinda like erm.. well good for you?

So yeah, his family. His little (half) brother is adorable, his youngest (half) sister is a little annoying, his other younger sister is very pretty, and I adore his mother, she actually talked to us! and he has a really good relationship with her (well.. compared to me and my mom at least) and I am just in awe of them, I spent the first few minutes of hearing them joke in a mild state of shock. I can't do that with my mom. If we exchange more than three sentences there is a fight, unless I am tightly under control and  censoring even the thoughts that pass through my head. I hate her. I wish I could have stayed with Matt, his mother is awesome and.. well even if the whole fam sucked, at least I'd be with him... I know he's not perfect, but.. he's as close to perfect as I could imagine a human to be. How can this possibly last? How can someone so amazing, so loving and smart and fun NOT find someone better than ME?

But no, I won't let myself follow that thought, I'll be there as long as he wants me to be, hopefully in two and a half years (when I'm 18 & out of highschool) we'll be looking for an apartment together.. I think about it as obsessively as my weight, if I'm not thinking about one, I'm thinking about the other.. or I'm thinking about both of them.... and... there is a 'too thin' for me..
I can't die. I can't get hospitalized, and I have to be able to function. For Matt.. when  if he leaves.. then that limit is gone, but.. for him.. I have to be able to keep going.. I love him.

Quotes and moments of the weekend; "Because lights are for noobs,"

"Wait, what time is it? 11:45?! Bitch get up here! Around here we celebrate the new year! *glances down and mutters* even if I am about to come.." I have never, and I mean NEVER seen or heard of a guy abandoning his boner to do anything. Especially pop little things that shoot streamers.. in the cold.. without shoes.. yeah he ran outside without shoes. This was the cutest thing ever, and when we came back in he just wanted to kiss and cuddle and go to sleep..
Did I mention I love him?

Heh, we did this with my big nightshirt <3 not in the kitchen, but still.