Tuesday, April 12, 2011

omfg



My bmi is less than his now, but he's underweight and I'm not?! Wtf?! No, I can't just settle for lower bmi, I need to be underweight too. I can't be 'normal' weight while he's underweight, I just can't stand that idea, I can't be fatter than him! I just can't, I have to be less. 88 is a healthy weight still, I have to be 87, thats right there, 17.0 bmi, underweight,
that is perfect, thats what I have to be. I WILL be 87 pounds, 17 bmi by may 13th.
I will be..
Must keep thinking of this, of him, because of a piece of bread & jam, I'm in a binge mode, I have to stay away from the kitchen, I got out another piece of bread after & almost took a bite and then realized I was ready to binge, fucking wanting to and said no, you're too fat, you don't deserve this food, you have to be perfect for matt for matt for mattmattmattmatt & I threw the bread to the dog and hurried upstairs.
I started this before I knew him, but now he has become my thinspiration, he's so skinny, I don't want to feel fat next to him and I want to be next to him so badly, underweight is the only way I won't feel fat next to him, I'll have absolutely no reason to then, right? So I MUSTMUSTMUST get there! (sorry for the rant btw, I'm trying so hard not to go down and binge)  god I think I could finish off that loaf of bread with butter and the raspberry preserves, ugh, I hate that I know how good a binge feels, I want that feeling right now, but I'll hate myself for it in the
morning, I MUST NOT BINGE!











































 

 

I used to be a binge eater. I fucking hate myself for that part of my life, I will not go back to being that fucking fat, not everevereverever. NONOTEVER! No fat, I will not be you, I hate you more than anything else. I wish I had sleeping pills, I love Matt, he said he'll get me some. I swore not to use them if I felt suicidal or something, no, only for times like this when I need to get away, but I still want to come back.
I need to get away right now! No, I'm not going to cut either, cutting is done with, no more scars on my body, when it's thin I want it to be beautiful, not completely scared up. 

Thank gods, I'm getting tired now, good night lovely girls
Posted by at

4 comments:

  1. AnonymousApril 13, 2011 at 2:47 AM

    You can overcome that desire to binge! You are stronger than those binges! It may feel great in the process, but what about that awful feeling you get when it's over? That bloated, horrible feeling where you seem to hate yourself more? You will reach your goals hun, we know you can. You have that self-control to overcome those things that you have to fight against ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. CApril 13, 2011 at 3:06 AM

    You can do it! Don't binge!

    ReplyDelete
  3. TaiApril 13, 2011 at 2:53 PM

    I hope you had wonderful dreams and we're able to resist. I copied so many pictures from this post. It's hard to be strong in the face of that black-hole sucking sensation of a binge but you are wonderful and no matter what you will get through it.

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. MichApril 14, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    How tall are you? You sound like you must be tiny! And I thought I was the littlest hobbit on the blogger block...

    <3

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)