Fasting until further notice.

My mom comes into the kitchen while I'm cleaning it, after I made dinner, after I kept my brother away from her room while she was sleeping, and starts screaming at me about how we don't have any food and I make her too uncomfortable to go shopping because I'm always asking for things. So, "Don't take me," I said. Sound's reasonable, right? Not in her world. "THAT'S YOUR SOLUTION YOU SELFISH BITCH? You're disgusting. DISGUSTING!" she then storms out and screams about how disgusting I am from her room, and comes back to tell me what a lazy worthless piece of shit I and all the democratic relatives on my dads are, and lectures me about how terrible we all are (whenever she's angry at me I'm one of 'them', apparently unless I do something good I didn't even come from her, personally I like his side better) until I agree, several times, that I need to go with her and simply keep my mouth shut. 

Then she came back, she made me hug her. Then she yelled again. It's not enough, it's never enough. Fasting, I wonder how long I can survive on water. Food issues? Ok. Let me help, let me stop eating so you don't have to spend as much. I'm a good daughter. I'll be helpful, maybe even faint in public and get carted off to a doctor where they'll find out I'm mental because of this place and get me out of it until I'm 18 and can go live with Matty.

I'm gonna go get the food out of my room & throw the rest of my candy away.

Itouch help?

I've made up my mind. I'm getting a new itouch. Anyone have any must-have apps for me? Of course I'm looking mostly for weight apps, but anything you like really. Especially if it's free.
I found one that I simply must share with you, Fashion Network Original in lifestyle. You get to watch runway shows & keep up to date with models.. I plan to become slightly obsessed with this as it looks like a great source of thinspo.
I also have Bmi+bodyshape, Lose It, iGoal, and Water Your Body
For 'other' Pocket Creature, Doodle God, Pocket God and Pocket Ants (because I remembered this Ant game I had on the computer when I was little and got nostalgic)
I plan to get a twitter. Any of you girls/guys have twitters? I'm not sure tumblr is really going to work out for me..
I also created a new email that doesn't conflict with my others, since I don't have a Yahoo address (that I use) Strivetostarve@ymail.com
I tried to make a google one, but it signs me out of here, google and youtube when I go to check it, so I end up never checking it.. I like leaving everything on 'signed in' on this comp. So, Yahoo! lol

I've got a model thing going on lately.
*edit*
Ariana, its telling me your blog no longer exists.. :((

Cooking is fun!

And great motivation not to eat when you have to cut up a dead animal. Chicken in this case. Oh holy hell so much fat O.o cut open something I think is a chunk of muscle, find fat! SO yuck.. 

This is kinda Italian inspired, macaroni noodles (firm), a few stalks chopped up asparagus, half a can of chickpeas (garbanzo beans?), a few sliced cherry tomatoes, some boiled chicken tossed together with olive oil, rosemary, basil, and garlic. Served chilled. 

Great to cook before the fam gets home, leave a note saying dinner is in the fridge and then get your ass outa dodge before the feeding frenzy begins.

This was born because today I discovered a love of chickpeas. I opened the can and started snacking and nearly halfway through thought 'shit, can't finish this.. I need something to do with it..' 

My chocolate has sat in my room fairly untouched. I did open a piece, but then I fed half to my dog and wrapped it back up for some other time. 

Don't worry about the puppy, it was a small piece. 

Twisty

I like contorting my body so I look thiner than I am. 

Can't wait to have those ribs ALL THE TIME

Oh, I'm not sick anymore btw, thank you all for you well wishes! They worked =D <3

Look at the camera doggie! 

Oh, close..

 Uh.. no..

YOU WILL LOOK AT THE CAMERA!

Don't worry, he wasn't offended. He licked me right after.

I now understand Mich's addiction to Cadbury cream eggs.. bought one, because I saw it and thought of her.

  I'm really glad they were being sold individually and not in a box 'cause...

Bite = O.O

It's fucking chocolate filled with pure GOOD icing. 

Back when I was super fucking fat I used to go buy chocolate bars and icing tubs and dip.. this was better, cause the icing quality is far better than those tubs... I'm staying away from that store for awhile..

I just can't away from the easter candy sales... so far I've bought a largish bag of little 70 cal bags of pink and blue candy corn (so in love with candy corn.. I couldn't resist.. I think I'm going to send most of it to matty now though..) and a string of lollies, not bad at 30 cal per lolli, they taste kinda like pina coladas, yummy. Hitting up target tomorrow, and not bringing more than six bucks.. and fucking sharing. 

People love you when you share food.

still sick..

>:( nearly tossed a breakfast of an orange and a cup of water.. might still happen.. ok stomach, it's great you were helping me out on easter, but easter is over now.. I should be at work, making money. Really stomach? REALLY? ...
My fluttery heart is kinda scaring me.. I'ma try an sleep now to keep this orange in me..

This is great

Thats kinda half sarcastic. I did a ton of exercise last night in prep for the feared chocolate force feeding today, and guess what? I couldn't even hold down water till about 1:00. Stomach bug! It felt pretty terrible, but now that I'm starting to feel better, I"m kinda happy. I avoided the easter egg hunt and chocolate binge, I have a perfect excuse to make this day a liquid fast. So far I've had a single mushroom dad wouldn't let me leave the kitchen without trying it when I said I thought I could keep something down, and a half cup of watered down juice I haven't finished yet. I'm terribly sore from last night and have a headache (it better now than earlier, nearly was crying from it..) and really dried out, but I'm still scared if I chug too much water I'll be sick again and.. I'm done with that for today..

I was made to eat breakfast with the fam, it was small (managed to get about half to the dog). Then I was fine.. till I gave in to a peanut square... ate about 2/3 of that shit, no idea on calories, and had too much potato & chicken for dinner before I could slip upstairs and fed the rest to my puppy. And they wonder why he's not interested in his dog food anymore xD I chugged water just now and, ugh, I hate the full feeling. I'm not going to sit down for another hour at least either. Pacing and standing to take advantage of the extra water/food weight & burn more cal.
They'd already eaten all my pie from yesterday by noon O.o All gone in less than 24 hours by three people.. lol Matty responded "Fattasses.." when I told him that, made me glad I'd only tasted the filling. So, I made a new one. Really easter themed this time.

Thats the same recipe from yesterday only with little speckled chocolate eggs in it & white chocolate (dyed green) drizzled over the top for grass. :) I think I did pretty good making it look like what I wanted, easter eggs in the grass. Isn't it cute!? =D
So, doubt fast will happen tomorrow :/ I'll try as much as I can, but.. feh. Screw eatting & feeling full.. god I want to be under 90 NOW!! T.T I don't even know what I weigh, it's probably like 95, sure feels like it :/
I think I'm going to go to bed early and try to get downstairs to look at the scale early.. <3 good luck against the evil easter candy!

I made a pie!

I decided I needed to test the recipe before I made it for matty. It's sweetened mostly with stevia (only sugars come from the milk & peanut butter) & has a lot of protein and good fats, I'm not comfortable eating even a little of this though, so much cream >.< I decided I'm going to take out half the cream and replace it with peanut butter. Still high in fat, but at least it's all good fat which I already know I don't get enough of and not so much sat fat.
And anyway, I tasted a fingerfull before I put it in and I don't think its at all peanut buttery enough. The crust is great, whole wheat flower & rolled oats.
Crust: 2/3 cup rolled oats
2/3 cup barley or whole wheat pastry flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon stevia (I added a whole one because my fam likes things sweet)
1/4 cup vegetable oil
2 tbsp water
Combine all & stir, set aside five min to let oats soften (preheat oven nowish to 350). Press dough evenly over bottom & sides of pie dish & bake in preheated oven for 12-15 min, till lightly browned. Can also fill & then bake (but not for my recipe)
Filling:
1 1/4 teaspoon stevia
1/2 cup water
2 tbsp cornstarch or arrowroot powder
3 eggs, lightly beaten
3/4 cup milk
1 1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup chunky peanut butter (full cup for mine)
1 cup whipping cream (half cup for mine)
2 tbsp unsalted dry roast peanuts, crushed
Using a double boiler, dissolve 1 tsp stevia & cornstarch in 1/2 cup water. Beat in eggs and milk, place over boiling water & reduce heat to medium. Cook & stir till thick, cool ten min. Stir in teaspoon vanilla & cup peanut butter & cool to room temp.
Beat cream, 1/4 tsp stevia, and 1/4 tsp vanilla until soft peaks form. Fold into pie filling & turn into baked pie shell, sprinkle with crushed peanuts and chill for several hours.
Lax yesterday & 90.2 today! (after I rehydrate myself, happiness!)

My lips look funny xD I think I was chewing

Since I feel like I already ate too much today, but I want to eat, I made myself this little salad thing. One chopped up cellery stalk, two thin sliced cherry tomatoes, one thin sliced pickle, a tbsp spaghetti sauce and a sprinkle of garlic and onion powder. It was pretty yummy & along with a glass of water filled me up nicely.

This weekends fast is going to be difficult.. I think I should make a few buckets of tea in advance. Maybe with some of my orange powder stuffs. Off to do that! Good luck with avoiding the easter binges my lovelys!

Inspired by Michs school stories

My mum taught me to not respect authority because my school said I had adhd and put me in the 'special programs' and she disagreed, but didn't fight them directly, just always told me they were lying because they wanted money/they were idiots ect.. She now wonders why I don't give a crap what she tells me to do and don't do well in a structured school environment (night school ftw, finally not failing everything!).

Weird/funnyish thing that happened in school last night, was eating some sweet&low brand candies with a sorta friendperson and this ghetto girl a few rows over from me was like "Oooh I want me some candy! Man I want me some candy, damn I want me some candy, some candy SHOR would be good for me now, I want me some candy pieces" for about ten minutes after I got it out. She wasn't even directing this at me, like, asking me for a piece, no she was just kinda putting it out there like she thought I should just offer it up. This is a girl who has been making fun of the socially awkward sortafriend person of mine (I get kinda protective and possessive over this kind of person when I fine them.. its not exactly a friendship as much as, oh, I see people like to hurt you? They can fuck off, I'm gonna be here now. I dunno, it's weird. I'll probably never see her again after she graduates (2-3 weeks now?) I guess I just hope I can make getting there a little less of a hell for her, and actually get her there.. she tried to kill herself a few weeks ago :/) Anyway, the getto girl, after about ten minutes of 'man I want me some candy' I said something along the lines of  "Man I want you some shut up" then it went like this
g -  "Whu the fuck chu say ta me ya bitch ass whitey?!"
me- ""I'm sorry, I guess I'm not dumb enough to ghetto speak well, I'm trying to say you should stop making sound because you're really quite annoying" She went off, got sent to redirect, and I spent the rest of that hour trying not to laugh.
Normally thats not the best idea with ghetto people, but shes really just a punk little freshman that just annoys everyone.
Some guy took an interest in me and has dubbed me 'fun size'. He's cool enough, another one I probably won't ever see again after this year. Why do I always just start to make friends at the end of the year and rarely with anyone but seniors? This has been happening since my freshman year. It kinda sucks. Meh.

In other news, my RFS sample pack got there today! Two little packs of vitamin chews, two drinks (one protein, the other energy) and a pack of orange flavor single serve drink mixes. They should really market the 'health' vitamin chews as candy vitamin chews. First two ingredients? Sugar and corn syrup. They do have a good vitamin kick and they taste great, I won't be taking the recommended four per day though, nu uh, one for me, half in morning, half at night. The drinks look good, gonna have those over the weekend during my first ever attempted weekend fast. Wish me luck! My favorite part is the orange drink packs (they're like crystal light packs only with vitamins & stuff) only five cal for a whole pack & not bad tasting. I'm not the biggest fan of orange flavoring, but I do love me some little powder drink packs. lol All in all, I think its worth getting my aunt to order me another sample pack. Deff not worth full price though.

O.o

So, I know I already posted once today but... well, here, I found my little brothers shirt in the clean stuff someone brought up to my room from laundry day. I decided to try it on, just for kicks, laughing at whoever saw this little boys shirt and thought it was mine... my brother is five. It fit. Arms are a little tight, but not much, only a hint tighter than my own shirts. Too short obviously. But... what? Yeah, I don't know. I want to go try on things in the kids section now.. I wonder if I fit into mediums now..
Oh! And hair pics! Almost forgot.

A little more subtle than I wanted, but, meh. Its temp. At least it convinced my mother I'm not going to look like a freak show, she'll probably let me go get it done professionally when this washes out. Hopefully that'll be more what I want. This was the first time my friend ever did foiling xD
My ring is starting to piss me off, I want it healed NOW!! T.T
Impatient..

Thank you

Peridot  Pixiestix  Leto Honor Christy Small 
Thank you for your comments, especially Peri, you actually managed to get a laugh out of me even in that black mood 'Fuck it in the ass with a blunt chainsaw'  *hug* I'll try explaining to him that sometimes I just don't want sympathy instead of.. being a bitch to him.. he really didn't deserve that.. he forgave me of course though. It was kind of anticlimactic actually >.> with my need to punish myself/I'm the scum of the earth mood.. and then right away in the morning he told me it was ok, he was sorry he got mad at me ect. I kinda felt like a stereotypical over dramatic stupid teenage girl.. feh
He's so wonderful <3 I can't believe he's mine.. 
I love that site too Peri! Zuzana's workouts I ended up in the food section almost immediately of course.. That pumpkin protein shake? Waaaaant... I need to take friday and make it workout day and give myself that as a reward for carrying it through.. because omg want! Why do I always want food? Why can't I always want new jewelry or something? No, I want to try all the new foods I come across... 
Of course I gained from my binge even with the lax.. 91.8/92 this morning.. no goal met.. So, salad and celery today. Salad, celery and situps. My salad is almost gone, but I've got lots of celery, pickles and a cucumber and some tuna, thats ALL I'm eating (and no drinks besides water and tea when I'm eating) till it's all gone. Then liquid fast till I get more. Thats going to be my diet until I see Matt. 

I made him mad.

I binged.
I took a lax.
I'm not eating today.
I'm a failure
fat
ugly
stupid
pathetic
bitch
disgusting
heartless
twisted
sick
undeserving
unworthy
fatfatfatfatfatfat
all I'm worthy of is starving and pain, the only reason I don't want to die is because I deserve the pain

Yay laxatives, diet pills & hair dye!

I got my mom to agree to a temp black hair dye, gonna do that tomorrow. Pretty exciting. 

Snagged this while we were out grocery shopping today. Yay diet pills!

Uhm, 92.3 today >.> not sure how, I didn't eat much yesterday.. So, I took one of those ^ with lunch (no breakfast) and I'm just going to have tea for dinner. Maybe some of those sugarfree 'may have a laxative effect' candies. (look for it on the back of sugar free candy, it means the sugar substitute they use absorbs water & doesn't get digested so it gets in the colon and makes you crap).

40 cal for 5 pieces, which means 1 has less than ten cal.

I got some rice milk, I've been wanting to try rice milk since I learned it existed, don't judge.

Do you deserve me?

I said "I don't deserve you" and he said "You do, and I deserve you" and I felt like he was somehow saying he deserved to be punished.. I'm pretty sure thats not what he meant, but that was my first thought, I almost said "No you don't" meaning, 'No, you don't deserve to be punished, you deserve to be rewarded for being such a wonderful human being' but I realized it wouldn't sound that way, so I just kept my mouth shut.
I can't cry, I can feel it, like I'm about to, but its been there for two hours now, it's just not going to happen.
It's starting to hurt..

wow

78 followers? Wow, I'm pretty sure thats more people than have ever really taken an interest in me irl. Like, really, minus family (they don't count cause they kinda have to usually) I've come up with, nine teachers, twelve friends, fourteen 'lovers' (does just mostly sexually count? If not, three)

I love you all

I didn't binge :)

omfg

My bmi is less than his now, but he's underweight and I'm not?! Wtf?! No, I can't just settle for lower bmi, I need to be underweight too. I can't be 'normal' weight while he's underweight, I just can't stand that idea, I can't be fatter than him! I just can't, I have to be less. 88 is a healthy weight still, I have to be 87, thats right there, 17.0 bmi, underweight,
that is perfect, thats what I have to be. I WILL be 87 pounds, 17 bmi by may 13th.

I will be..

Must keep thinking of this, of him, because of a piece of bread & jam, I'm in a binge mode, I have to stay away from the kitchen, I got out another piece of bread after & almost took a bite and then realized I was ready to binge, fucking wanting to and said no, you're too fat, you don't deserve this food, you have to be perfect for matt for matt for mattmattmattmatt & I threw the bread to the dog and hurried upstairs.

I started this before I knew him, but now he has become my thinspiration, he's so skinny, I don't want to feel fat next to him and I want to be next to him so badly, underweight is the only way I won't feel fat next to him, I'll have absolutely no reason to then, right? So I MUSTMUSTMUST get there! (sorry for the rant btw, I'm trying so hard not to go down and binge)  god I think I could finish off that loaf of bread with butter and the raspberry preserves, ugh, I hate that I know how good a binge feels, I want that feeling right now, but I'll hate myself for it in the
morning, I MUST NOT BINGE!

 

 

I used to be a binge eater. I fucking hate myself for that part of my life, I will not go back to being that fucking fat, not everevereverever. NONOTEVER! No fat, I will not be you, I hate you more than anything else. I wish I had sleeping pills, I love Matt, he said he'll get me some. I swore not to use them if I felt suicidal or something, no, only for times like this when I need to get away, but I still want to come back.

I need to get away right now! No, I'm not going to cut either, cutting is done with, no more scars on my body, when it's thin I want it to be beautiful, not completely scared up. 

Thank gods, I'm getting tired now, good night lovely girls