K laying her head on my stomach; "You're tummy isn't soft anymore L,"
Most of the time people are disgusting, stupid ect.
Sometimes I love them.
Which reminds me....
I'm always bragging about my skinny boy
(god I wish my stomach looked like that while I slouched)
I decided it was time to show him off
(I want his arms, so slim..)
so I was snapping pics during our camchat last night lol
(what in the world is this look? lol I don't remember what we were talking about when I took this)
I love this boy.
It's amazing how easy it is to talk to him, and he listens to me,
he actually understands to an extent and unlike most people, admits when there are things he doesn't...
he is accepting and occasionally comes to me with information on some vitamin or other I need to make sure I'm getting enough of.
He is one of the few people that have made me believe that he really cares.
Sure sometimes he shakes his head and tells me my body is fine, but he doesn't do what so many people would do and dismiss my worries with "Oh go eat a hamburger"
haha I feel so silly, my guests are tomorrow! So intake for today?
80
So perfect! My goal weight is my intake today!
Hum.. I like that..
Like, a lot..
I'm going to try and do that more often. :)
ah I'm going to be wishing for those thighs for christmas
Tonight right? I don't know anymore if I can make it, we're going to have guests all day, I'm known to disappear around people though, so I could maybe make it anyways, but I'm also still confused about the time. I think it might be 6-7 for me... I live in Illinois, if anyone can help...?
Yesterday
I was ok yesterday till they brought out desserts, I only ate a normal amount, but I still purged because I shouldn't have eaten any.
Today
I'm making today a liquid fast, so far I've had about 70 calories and it's about halfway through the day :) not too bad, I know I wont be able to keep that... but it's a great start.
I think I'm going to start throwing away however much food I 'should' have eaten.
We're going to the zoo or something later tonight with afore mentioned guests. Some kind of lights show thing or something.. meh, they should be distracted enough with that to not notice me dropping bits of whatever I'm supposed to be eating, don't you think? I'll get something bready so I can pick it apart easier.
I've been sooo forgetful lately, it's majorly annoying, bah, stupid adhd.. I walk into rooms and then am like, wait... why did I come in here again?? I need to start writing down what I need/want to do.. when I stop thinking about it I can't remember until something reminds me. It's a good thing I'm ALWAYS thinking about food or I'd forget I need to restrict and just eat everything put in front of me..
you may fail. But not trying, that is failure in it's purest form. So try, and if you fail, try again, fail better this time. Keep failing better until it's so good, you can't consider it a failure.
I wrote this, both of these, and meant to share them before the thing that was not good happened and made me forget about it..
Twisted knots in our stomaches, we're tumbling down,
tired, so tired, but not ready to rest.
Too much to do. Too far to go.
Reason means nothing.
Life passes as we coast on caffeine,
dancing to the soundtrack of our racing minds.
Time is too slow. We are too fast.
Reasons mean everything.
Still we fall further,
and further,
down, down, down,
swallowing only air,
wondering
when we'll
start to
float
.
I have my own meaning for it of course, but the only thing I can express coherently is the meaning in the structure, how it's biggest at the top, the beginning, smallest at the bottom, and up and down between, a sort of representation of our weight journeys, and of the ups and downs in emotions.
Last night;
I ate too much chocolate last night while I was making chocolate covered strawberry's, no idea how much, just kept licking the stupid spoon... I made up a reason to be mad and stormed out of the kitchen to hide in my room the rest of the night. Intake somewhere between 200-500... no idea where though..
Today;
I've been careful not to get too cheery, then I'll get comfortable. Comfort sets in, unconscious actions start, lifting things to the lips without thought.. I have a bell on my wrist, tied with a red ribbon. I have a red string tied around my waist, it hurts, but at least it makes me remember..
I must be aware of my body at all times, aware of every action.
I've eaten little so far. Just nibbles while people are around so it gets into their subconscious that they've seen me eating.
Less than most, but still too much.
Tea, lots of plain tea tea. I need to drink more.
I hate the holidays.
Nothing is ever good enough for mom, political claws come out when the liberal and conservative sides of my family come together, everything is too full of everything, the plates with food, the house with people, the people with emotion, spewing noise and filling the house up more.. I intend to be the lone pool of empty, because empty is calm, is peace, and that's what I need right now.
I will stutter and blush like always when people trap me and try to ask me things, and retreat the second they look away.
I wish I were small enough to not be noticed.
I'm not small enough..
I never thought Adeline would come to my little blog and say something O.o I almost feel starstruck xD
Ah, what did she think? Did she like the music? Was it annoying? Is my color scheme too dark for her taste? And why are all these (REALLY) stupid worrys popping up? >.<
...
Seriously though, I feel kinda torn...
I know the name change won't make it go away, that it's deeper than that... but I love feeling part of something, knowing I'm not alone in my fast gives me strength, and for that reason I don't want to give up this group.
I want to be friends with Adeline very much... but I love Honor, my sister, and if they can't get along...
Mreh..
In food (well, drink) news;
When did they come out with 0Cal Monster?? I love it! I remember someone posting about it being hard to get the B vitamines, well, Monster Zero has 100% a serving of, B2, B3, B6 and B12. Gotta love energy drinks.
Also, got my sugar free Red Bull, finally, and now am waiting for Ivy to text me so we can try eachothers drink together lol (she has never had Monster, my favorite, and I've never had Red Bull, her favorite)
What's your favorite energy drink?
Tea party! Again. I'd better not miss this, what time is it for me?? >.< I really don't know how to figure this out, I live in Illinois in the US if anyone could help? The time for the party is Midnight on Friday GMT, if you didn't already know that.
Random news;
Got some weird motivational cloathing... I needed socks, so I went and decided to spluge and get some fun knee high socks.. they turned out to be reaaally tight over my calfs, like the designs get all streached out and distorted and.. yuck.. no way I can wear them. My mood took a nosedive until I realized I could use them as motivation, and to measure progress on my legs! If want to wear them for Matty I had better work hard so they fit soon! I'll know I'm doing great when they fall down :)
It's funny cause I never really thought of my calfs as a bad area till now, they are mostly muscle after all. I know theres, well, not none.. but not a huge amount of fat, they're better than a lot of peoples..
I guess that's my mistake, I can't compair myself to 'normal' people if I want to be exceptional.
stupid.. I feel so horrible.. knowing I caused one of us to cry... I started crying as I read this, I had no idea.. I feel so horrible.. please, we never meant to replace her, we never knew why it ended, just thought it got too big too fast, she was overwhelmed, we took what was written at face value. We never knew her, never knew it was a huge deal, never thought so, didn't think to ask... we just loved the idea, we meant it to be dedicated to her.. never thought... I feel horrible now, so stupid.. I was so excited for it, I only got to participate in one fast (which I joined late too >.<)... and now... I don't know what to think... I don't want to end it.. but.. I feel so bad...
I wish I'd thought to ask....
I didn't know her..
I didn't know..
asked a question about religion, what do you believe?
I've never really believed in religious stuff, I've had to think about it a bit (über religious mother, grew up in catholic school, small religious town, ect.) but it honestly doesn't interest me, I feel nothing when I think of heaven or hell or just rotting in the ground, I figure if there is anything to know, I'll know when I get there and it's no use worrying over something you CAN'T know about right now. Religion is an interesting subject, but stirs no feeling in me at all. I look at it from a purely intellectual standpoint, and just as long as you're not a fanatic who's trying to convert me and tell me I'm wrong, I don't mind being around religious people or talking about it at all. Infact I like to hear the different takes people have on it
http://stillhungryforchange.blogspot.com/
and ready for action! Make sure you join up in time for next months fast, I know some of us are going to need it after thanksgiving this week >.< I probably will.
I love this model, she's good, and so gorgeous. I'd love to be a photographer, but I just know I'd fuck up. This says exactly why I want to be a model, you can leave yourself out of the pictures. You SHOULD in fact. Become someone else when you're in front of the camera. Perfect for someone who loves to show off but hates them self xD
Got's me some caffeine pills, sad that I can't take them on an empty stomach though. I kinda figured I wouldn't be able to, but still, annoying to actually know I can't.
So, one muffin with (not)butter spray and a hint of peanut butter around 8:30. I'm going to try giving myself a time limit, I made a salad, I'll eat it at noon, just water/tea till then.
Matty somehow enticed me to stay up till one xD I'm so tired today, but I need to get my sleep cycle back to normal, er, as normal as I can get it when my brain likes to pick random nights it's not going to sleep..
Anyways..
I'm home today, my brother pleaded sick (he's not) so I've got to watch him.. that means I can't stay home tomorrow like I was planing to >.< I hate when my plans for the week get disrupted, especially this early into it, even if there was no need for the plan, I like having it there... eh... exercise! I need some.. bad..
Ugh I want january to be here, I don't even care about thanksgiving or christmas, I want Matty!
I changed a bunch of stuff out of boredom the other day, and instead of eating I built this playlist and just figured out how to add it today. It's just a mess of my favorite songs, no rhyme or reason to it.. it's on shuffle and auto play. Oh and it's at the bottom of the page if you want to shut it up or change the song.
I found this on someones blog and WOW it really made me think..
someone is profiting from making us fat, profiting from our misery..
I certainly don't want to further this sick scheme.
Got a bunch of veggies at the store, some Can't Believe it's not Butter spray which is actually pretty yummy and found some whole wheat bread which is 65 Cal a slice, and they aren't like tiny slices either, perfectly normal sized. So this has been dubbed MY BREAD, the rest of the fam can keep their 147 cal a slice stuff thank you, I've got my own now :) froze half the loaf to make sure it wouldn't get stale before I'm done too.
Also I've got a new trick, if you want to eat any potential-to-start-a-binge food, you can have it... IF you drink AT LEAST half a liter of water or tea first, two if you can get away with it. I'm sure most of us carry a bottle around already, at least, I do lol
It worked very well this morning, went to my aunts house and she had a bunch of fresh out of the oven pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread and chocolate chip cookies. All of which she need me to try of course.. So I went to the bathroom, finished the other half of my bottle of tea, filled it with water, downed that, filled it again, got about half down and took a muffin. I was feeling plenty full, sick-full almost, by the time I finished the muffin :) so I told her I'd eaten a bunch at home (after dad left the room) and got away with bringing some home. Had a little bowl of her soup for lunch and that's all I'm planning to have today.
Ganna try to go to the mall to get out of the house tonight. Might do a sleep over.. further my health nut status by insisting I won't have anything but fruit & tea for breaky :)
Now if only I'd been able to go to the Harry Potter premiere...
that would have completed the perfection.
(just feel the need to point this out, Emma Watson = first celeb crush lol)
Mom says it would get me too 'run down' and that she wants to go see it with me..
We went to see all the others together after all.
Sounds kinda sweet right?
Take into consideration that at the time I HAD no friends to go see it with
AND
that she NEVER NOTICED
and it's no longer quite so sweet...
meh
I'm ganna ditch her anyways and go see it with V sometime
might even get a makeout session during the credits heh
Matty doesn't mind (thank god, as bad a flirt as I am)
actually a direct quote;
"As long as you tell me about it afterward so I can masturbate to it, hell go have an orgy! Just make sure you describe it in vivid detail, no skimping, I know how good you can be with words,"
We have a deal, since we're so far apart we're allowed to erm 'mess around' as long as we tell each other.
Surprisingly (well, surprising if you're going off girl/guy stereotypes and not off actually knowing us)
I've taken advantage of this more than he has...
Physically, yes he's the male, everything else....
Which reminds me, we're dressing him up (he already has the outfit, purple skirt, striped tights and a black V-neck knit shirt), re-plucking his eyebrows and doing his makeup when I come in January.
I'm still unsure which of us is more excited lol
I found out he wants to become androgynous so he can choose to look male or female on any given day, he's going to be taking hormones to help with this.
This is ganna be fun :)
haha it's a good thing how open minded I am, and that I've considered myself pansexual since I learned what it was.
and I've always had a thing for traps...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
This makes me want to do a couples thinspo,
I think I've fallen in love with Maria
Sorry for the lack of posting lately, my computer at work had to get disconnected so it could be moved and it seems like every time I'm home someone else is on.
I finally broke my platue today (99 :/ I just feel pathetic because it took so long) but I have only been half heartedly counting Cal, I just can't muster up the energy to care... *sigh* I'm sick. Not even some stomach thing that would keep me from wanting to eat, nope, my joints and head hurt and I've got yellow mucus coming out of places no one should have to see yellow mucus come out of.. ehgh
it's only noon and I've eaten almost 900 calories.... what a fail, disgusting fat ass fail. Thats more than even someone on a normal diet should have eaten by now...
Back up to 100 pounds this morning. So what do I do? have a fucking slice of cake. I'm babysitting my sick brother, I did just a little exercise, some friends are coming over, I can't flush... I'll try not to eat more... ugh I'm so pathetic. Why do I get stuck at every goal I reach for like a month?
I can't do that this time! I HAVE GOT TO GET TO 90!!!
I can have 50 calories with my friends, not till after one o'clock, and that's all for today.
I'll drink my tea and my and only use no Cal sweetener.
Tomorrow I fast, real fast, tea, crystal light and water.
No Cal sweetener only.
No honey for this fatty, I don't deserve it.
And I'll be doing my flush, ugh I wanna do it today still... but I'm not going to have time now..
Have to go take a shower.
Yeah. Greedy, gluttonous, fatface, that I am.
Ganna go boil and scrub my skin off now, I wish I could scrub fat off.
think I might actually try this xD yay for pumpkin!
Had a binge/purge on cereal.. then worked out a ton, I feel so dead, physically from working out, but emotionally too.. why don't I feel anything more than annoyance at myself for letting it get that far? And annoyance that I only feel annoyed... what? I don't understand how I work sometimes..
Anywho, I got some little kid vitamins xD they're not as strong (hoping that means they'll be easier to take when I'm fasting) and they're in gummy form! lol so I feel like I'm eating candy.
Just can't figure out why the cherrys are purple and the pineapples are blue... the rest are the right color! xD
I was going to start fasting today, but then the b/p... and then i had some beans, I'll have a salad (already measured out and under 80 cal) for dinner and fast tomorrow. Doing a salt water flush on thursday with Perfect Oxymoron can't wait!
Matty and I have been talking about college, it's a year away for him, two for me (god I'm too young, too young and too old all at the same time..)
I don't have any worries about it right now, but I'm still in that no emotion zone, nothing good, and nothing bad. *shrug*
I'll have to reanalyze this college thing when I can feel again.
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html#comment-form
Check it out!
The idea is for us all to meet, in real time, in a private chat room! And after that we'll have our own private chat room for anyone to pop in whenever (why has no one else ever thought of this? I love it!) She has the link on this post, make an account on the site she made the chat room, leave her your username as a comment, then figure out what time you need to drop in so you can say hi! =D
Harley well at 98 my bmi is only 19 :/ kinda sucks being a shorty. I intend to get my bmi down to 16 so I got a bit to go lol
Honor we've all got some weird habits huh? Dunno why I do it though, food was never really short around here.. and with parents rarely around I've always just been able to eat whatever I wanted. *shrug* who knows
This is my new favorite song. I swear I can't stop singing it xD
I wasn't going to post today, but.. Have you ever had a binge composed mostly of fruits and veggies? I just did. There was a hint of chocolate, but really, one mini twix bar and a mini cookies&cream bar, the rest was tomatoes, strawberrys, carrots and grapes. Weirdest thing ever... I think I should feel guilty about blowing my diet, but.. I blew it on fruit and veggies. xD I don't even know. I'll try again during the week. Also, I usually am not hungry in the morning, but I woke up really early (about 4:20) and I was starving by 6 >.< and I'm going to have to start getting up early because Matt gets up at 1 and I want to talk to him in the morning. I hope this fixes itself when I adjust to my new schedule. I'll try filling myself up with liquid tomorrow. Still looking for texters! Oh yeah apparently the internet on my phone doesn't work at my house, or my friends house, or the park. :/ Goodnight lovelys!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Marie xD sorry 'bout that, you just seem like the kind of nice person that doesn't like to hurt people, and well.. I've been known to corrupt with my 'advice' :p
BrooklynnI guess I probably am depressed, it's just so weird to think 'I'm depressed' and not be angry/upset/sad at all.
Mich I have the hording thing too xD my room has at least 4000 calories worth of food in it at any one time >.< I always think 'well I'll give it to someone so it doesn't go to waste' or 'I'll just eat a little over time'
I want to be
I will be, beautiful
charming
confident
individual graceful
lovely
strong
successful
Sorry for being depressing, I'm usually a little better at resisting that urge xD
I'm starting my new diet today, Kekwick Diet! I'm aiming to be 95 by the end of this month, 90 by Christmas.
I want to be under 90 when I go see Matty in January :)
January! lol two months, two months till I see my baby, two months to lose 10 pounds, I can do it! I WILL do it!
Getting my phone today! (weight, 98 this morning) I live in the US, Midwest, any texters?
Kekwick Diet! One of Ana's Boys is doing it. (actually one of the first blogs I found and the inspiration for my name) I'm starting saturday.
I've been thinking about doing this diet, but you know me, I can't seem to do anything unless I'm doing it with someone xD so I'm going to pretend he notices my comments and is supporting me too =D yay for delusions! I swear not much else is keeping me going right now >.<
I feel more twisted than ever, knowing everything I keeping going for is unstable at best and a complete delusion or lie at worst, but stubbornly disregarding whoever is thinking this and embracing the thoughts treating it as absolute fact.
Feeling nothing really right now.
Matty; I have no idea how long we’ll be together, my more cynical side laughs at the idea of love and soul mates, but another part of me yearns for it and I’m clinging so tightly to this ‘he’s the one’ thing. I know it’s complete crap, but I can’t let myself believe that.
Sexy; Part of me actually has the audacity to say ‘You ARE sexy’ the rest of me kinda laughs at that part. Ana laughs louder than me. I’m flabby and disgusting, skinny is at least better than that. But I feel like I’m going to just end up an ugly mess of bones. I already have no tits and no ass. Is Matt lying when he says he likes my body? I don't even want to think about it, I'll go with 'he's just trying to make me feel better' and leave it at that.
Future; Man I don’t even fucking know.
Friends; haha what friends? I barely talk to Mic or Vin anymore and they are the only people I ever talked to much. Matty is pretty much all I have. I don’t feel like making the effort, I feel like they’re perfectly happy not talking to me, why should I fuck that up? There is nothing I can give them, it seems like I can only maintain one relationship at a time and I could not stand to lose Matt. So if they want to try I’ll be happy, but they won’t, why would they want to deal with me?
I wrote and read all of that without feeling much of anything. This ‘not feeling’ thing is getting kinda annoying. I almost want a breakdown. I feel like I need to cry sometimes but it just doesn't happen, tears form when I throw up but that’s not really crying. I want to tear into my skin to make myself feel SOMETHING. Thinking about it doesn’t even do anything for me. I think about ripping into my skin, pulling fat out of me by hand. Nothing. Feels like my mind belongs to someone else who is looking at me, my body, my life and my thoughts and thinking "God how pathetic is this person? She has a naturally good body, has somehow managed to attract good people as friends, she is smart, her family has a good amount of money. She has all the opportunity in the world, she has the ability to take it and she SEES it, she just doesn’t do anything. Instead she’s looking at drugs and fucking her body over. What the hell is wrong with her?" I can hear this person thinking, urging me to get better, take some of that opportunity, do something USEFUL, HELPFUL and GOOD... but that person is usually in the back of my mind, in the forefront is usually Ana along with Cynical Thoughts, Depressed Thoughts, Romantic (or ‘Idealistic’) Thoughts or, less commonly, someone else. I usually think Cynical is more Me than the others, but I’m not really sure. Someone just laughed as I read over this "BPD much?"
Yeah, I don’t doubt it.
I need to get rid of this candy. I think I'm going to just throw it away. I hate throwing things away, but it will be just as wasted as fat in my body right?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I miss Matty :(
Sooooo
my liquid fast kinda sucked yesterday
I had pizza. One slice of plain cheese, then a half of a pepperoni slice (split with a friend).
I had candy. Three small packs of malted milk balls, a sucker and a few pixy stix.
I had an egg.
Blah, not really a binge at least.. but not a fast either >.<
I will fast all day, then I'm doing a flush tomorrow.
I NEED a flush.
So.
Fucking.
Bad.
grawrawwaaaaaaaaah
My stomach is all messed up >.< I want a lax soooo bad!
/sigh
But I can't get one.
Fuck age.
I'm going to eat fiber stuff
95.. oh how I want to look down at the scale and see you smiling up at me
95 95 95 95 95 95
haha sorry for the pics Honor :p
I'll make up for it with a cute/sweet vid (nothing human naked, I promise :p)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Do want,
and her arms.
I think I want to find this book.
I'ma see if Target has it :)
Also, I found out the phone I want is NO LONGER MADE
>.< it's better than most of their phones! wtf T-mobile?? wtf...
So, I did... ok I guess? I had too many cookies and four cupcakes on saturday, but didn't have any other calories besides vitamins and a forth of a soda. So I probably had about the amount of calories a 'normal' person has on a regular day. We had a basement rave, strobe lights are fucking trippy as hell btw, so I think I burnt most of it off dancing. Sunday I had a few bites of pancake, two more cupcakes and some sushi. Plus a shit ton of pixie stix.
So this is the phone I SHOULD have by next weekend, so excited!
Know what though? If I'm not under 99 pounds I'm not getting it.
Super easy goal, but I need some kind of goal right now and I really want that phone xD so I'm not going to be too hard on myself.
Liquid fast here I come!
Screw normal eating, I've been eating 'normaly' for a few days now and have barely shit at all >.< tmi I know but god damn it's bothering me! Ugh I can't wait to do a salt water flush, I need to feel clean inside again.
Matty left last night.
I want him back already T.T
But omg we had the most amazing time, first of all I think there was under 20 minutes of time total, all weekend, where we weren't touching. In other words, I kinda had a death grip on him most of the weekend xD
He's so cuddly :) we cuddled all night & he was super sweet telling me how good I looked and stroking my hair all the time.
Kinda blurry, but yeah. He's wearing my sunglasses xD God I wish I'd had a camera, I want to show you guys just how freaking skinny he is, it's crazy. His bmi is around 17 (all ALL his weight is muscle, there is almost no fat at all) His waist... oh god <3 "placing the BMI-for-ageat the 2nd percentile"T.T I'm in the 40s....
About to start talking about sexual stuff, just a warning, if you dont want to read it skip to the next ***
*********
Right so.. we.. did anal. My first time ever, I was kinda scared but he was so nice, I think he said "We don't have to," about five times and "Remember you can stop me if you need to," seven times. But it was so freakin easy, I was shocked, there was virtually no pain at all. Thinking about it though, (this might be a little weird) me being constipated so much might have had something to do with it; my ass is just that used to having a large, hard mass in it xD
The fact that I'm sooooo relaxed with him probably helped too.
I've gotta say this, it was a hellofalot easier than having normal sex xD
Brandon wanted to do anal, but when he tried he quickly gave up saying he was way too big and he'd rip me up. But I could deep throat Brandon, I can't with Matt, which kinda sucks.. my throat still hurts from trying xD
**********
Heh, brandon had such a huge ego, Matt is so much bigger xD I wish I could tell him that.
And he fits in so well with my group of friends lol he socialized with them more than I did. None of them ever liked brandon.
Matty is just so fun :)
oh yeah lol I plucked his eyebrows xD I wonder what his friends are going to say about that
