Hey there

I'm insane. Andy won't last much longer, he'll probably be gone by the end of the week. I have a problem. I'm going back to Matt, because he's the only person I've ever dated that I didn't break up with because I was bored. We had a legitimate problem, and he's taken steps to fix it.
Andy.. is a wonderful guy.. he really is, but the feelings just flared up and then faded away, like they always have, with everyone except Matt. I guess I do love Matt, it seems like it, I've had this feeling a lot, but he's the only one who it hasn't faded with.
I think what I pursue guys like some people pursue drugs. That rush in the beginning is always so amazing. They can keep me as long as it lasts because it makes me feel loved, a feeling I can't manage to produce on my own. That, in an odd way, is why I like being single, as long as there are people chasing me. It's fun to be chased. Almost as fun as being bought stuff and have someone constantly wanting to talk to and hold you.
So, this is a terrible thing to think but it'll probably happen; I'm going to go live with Matt, because god I miss him, but I don't know if I'm going to start dating him again right away.

I'm.. disgusted with myself. I gained six pounds in a week at my friends house. It.. it's scary how easy it was.. it MUST come off QUICKLY.. I don't even have a plan besides FUCK FOOD and RUN, but that shit's happening.

New post so fast!?

Yea, but I had to say something about Andy, I feel the need to defend my sudden break with Matt, and I'm bad at recounting scenes like this too long after they happen.
So, the other night it was really dark and we weren't wearing much, and a car passed by and in the light he saw my scars and started tracing them with his fingers and I pulled his hand away and then buried my face in my hands, and he pulls them away and turns on the light and cups my chin so I have to look into his eyes and he said "Sweetheart, don't be embarrassed about anything with me, not ever, I won't ever judge you. In fact, right now I can't, when I was in high school I used to take my exacto knife and do this," and he traced an X over my heart with his free hand and then just held me..

87

one more pound and I'll be underweight, I have a new boyfriend because I'm going insane again and can't deal with... anything being the same. Matt and I needed to split, we were fighting like hell while I was watching my parents beat the shit out of each other emotionally and physically, and I was getting WAAAAY clicky with this new guy. His name is Andy, I kinda stole him from a friend of mine because fuck it I've been hating life for too long, I'm 18 now and I've decided it's time to take my freedom by force, do whatever the fuck I want and throw whoever tries to take my spot at the top of the world off of the fucking mountain.
Andy, by the way, is a male ME. We.. think the same. First time we hung out alone, we started finishing each others sentences within five hours. He's been stealing me away at night for the past week and half the time we just talk and talk and talk, and then he drops me off and either I call him or he calls me (WHICH FEELS FUCKING AMAZING, matt never wanted to call me) and we keep talking most of the morning
I can't really focus on much, my days are blending because of the weird sleep thing, I'm so focused on him I don't even think about food, he says he forgets to eat a LOT and I understand why, he's such a blast! He's brilliant and impulsive and hot and sweet and funny... I think we both accidentally fasted one day hanging out together.
Life is crazy right now, it's mostly good though I'm losing my parents trust again, I'm going to be out of here soon, Andy knows what's going on and say's I can move in almost as soon as he gets his apartment, and he's picking a place where my birdy will be welcome, just for me. I'm moving too fast I know, but I don't care. I feel something amazing coming up hard and fast and maybe I'm going to knock myself out on the way there if I don't slow down but right now I don't CARE

It's my birthday.

I'm 18.
91.0 lbs
I was 89.5 two days ago.
Couldn't hold onto it.
No self control.
Disgusting.
This new format is weird.
I hope Peri and Honor and Mich and everyone else is doing ok.
I miss you guys..
I also thought I hit publish, but I guess I didn't?

I'm not dead, in case (as unlikely as this is) anyone was wondering. I'm failing two classes, and I've gained weight. I just can't shake this slump, and now I'm sick. I suck. Sorry..

Me & Kuari.

Kuari is a very calming bird, I've been feeling a lot better hanging out and playing with her.

I have a bird.

Pretty sure it's a girl, name's Kuari. She's a cockatiel, 14 weeks old, not completely steady on her feet yet, and it seems like she'd rather fall than dig her nails in, she's too sweet. I'm afraid she's gonna hurt herself.

sleepy birdy

She stuck her head right in my mouth and grabbed a tooth, it took me longer to get her head out than in

I'm sure plenty of you have gone through periods, long or short, of just not caring about interaction with anyone or anything for any reason. I'm not in the mood to seek out any kind of relationship, or maintain anything that anyone else has tried to build with me, with the exception of Matt.

This is probably not healthy, I got so excited thinking it was him when I heard my phone ringing that I actually cried when it turned out to be just an alarm. I mean, sobbing, red faced, pillow-soaking weeping, not just a few tears. Yet, if I'd thought anyone else would be calling, I wouldn't have even checked the phone. I haven't checked facebook in days. I'm not really even sure what I'm doing here, I guess I miss you guys and your understanding. Sorry I'm not very reliable..
Oh, and I've been turning back to the blade lately. I'm not really sure what to do/think about that one. Weird huh? You'd think I'd know what I thought since I'm the one thinking. 

I'd be less pathetic as a corpse.

Yea, that.

I passed.

S1 7367-01 Psychology 7                Fraser P                 78%  C
S1 5009-02 Co-Ed Team Sports        Meyer L                    78%  C
S1 4337-05 Film as Literature        Shifflet T                    84%  B
S1 2220-07 Wildlife Biology        Mitchell B                  80%  B
S1 4427-03 Adv Writing Skills        Ursani S                 66%  D
Y 6110-09 Geometry 3-4                Luja S                72%  C
This is a first time in a long time that I passed everything. If I can do it again next semester, I'm out.  I know its not much of an accomplishment, these grades suck, but the point is, I passed and that's what I needed, something I haven't been able to do before.. I skip too many assignments, most from actually forgetting, some from putting them off too long, that was my problem with Adv Writing. No late grades. Period.

I'm getting a stationary bike!

For FREE! =D my aunt replaced hers with a treadmill and said she was going to throw it away, and I went NO give it to meeee =D and so she's going to. I'm going to get rid of the bed I don't use anymore (legit don't even sit on it because my bean bag is amazing and replaced all that). I'm also gonna try to fashion a desky thing where the handle bars are so I will have NO excuses to not get on it as soon as I get home. Just think, I can be blogging on my bike by next week! The internetz will deter my weight loss no more!

Wootwoot! Warcraft + cardio, here I come!

Interesting dream kinda with Mich, Peri and Honor.

I had a very vivid dream, so much that it took me awhile to decide for sure it was a dream after I woke up this morning.
I dreamed that I was going to visit some bloggers by train (Mich, Honor and Peri) and I was having trouble getting there (at some point in the dream with a little dream logic I was somehow looking for something in Michs house to take to Mich.. and Matt was somehow involved, not directly, and I don't really remember how.. anyway) I was driving around with my mom trying to get to the train in time and not reveal too much to her and convince her that I REALLY needed to go. I ended up missing the train, and I was crying, then I was suddenly confused about why I wasn't going to Chicago. I went home in my dream, and went to bed. Then (real) I woke up crying and really disappointed I hadn't been able to go anywhere and slightly confused about details about what I thought had happened last night, then as I thought about it more (and woke up more) I realized it must have been a dream. I wish I'd written this this morning when it was fresh, but there you go. My blog dream.

Tonight I fall.

In bed tonight, I wonder why I can't sleep over the sound of my heart beabeat. Skskittering. Maybe, just just maybe I wonder; won't I wake? I wonder if that's bad, so bad to wonder? Just wonder. So bad. It all hurts so bad. So maybe tonight I can sleep just fall to sleep sleep forever. Make the last fall tonight, last tear last one last wish last time tonight I wonder, will it be the last time, I wonder? I wonder under the skittering beabeat beat beabeabeat.

I've never before been quite so keenly aware that I'm a twisted, stinking, writhing, raging mass of teen hormones.

I was alternately depressed, enraged and overcome with nostalgia over....



...wait for it...



a children's thanksgiving program.
I was choking back tears for at least 30 of the 45 minutes we were there.
And now my boyfriend is high and can't talk to me. Is it wrong that I feel betrayed by this? It's monday, practically the only night we get to talk to each other, and he went and got high... I'm angry at his friends for taking him away from me more than I am at him for leaving with them, after all, the opportunity to see one particular friend he's with doesn't come often since she's mostly away for collage.
I kinda already hated her though, hes fucked her before, that's good enough reason in my head to be mistrustful and jealous of her, especially since she's known him so much longer and he practically sings her praise when he's not whining like a lost puppy over how she doesn't pay enough attention to him anymore (which don't get me wrong, I totally get, I feel like that over my old bestest-friend-ever who kinda left me behind when she ran off to collage.. but that doesn't mean I have to like hearing him talk about wanting the attention of another girl who I know he has a bit of a past with, even if they never actually dated and blahblah..... I still.. blah).
I want to cry. I almost want to stop talking to him so that maybe he'll whine to someone about ME not paying him enough attention. I hate myself for thinking that, but god damnit I want him to.. want my attention.. as much as he wants hers.. now I am crying.
Fuck my god damn fucking stupid hormonal teenage life.
Sorry everyone. I weight 91 again.

Not quite.

I don't have a whole lot to say but..

I have a new picture, isn't Matty's smile so cute? I love it. That's his shirt I'm wearing with my.. thing.. over it. I miss him.

I have a problem with theft, starting to realize it really is kinda a problem. Met a guy who's 28 and I thought he was more 19-21ish, shocked me. He didn't a whole lot of a problem with my theft, and he was hella fun.
Is it wrong that I totally would have been all over this dude, knowing he's 28? 
Would as in, would if I'd never gotten Matt. I won't lie, I find this guy attractive, personality and physically, but honestly I just.. don't really want anyone else besides Matty. He'd be like, a second choice type deal, and I know I interested him.. heh (that's always fun to know). Still not as bad as my friends 36year old, (she's 18, recently).
My poor baby's been feeling crappy today, I miss him.

Happy b-day Matty

We realized today that his B-day is about halfway between mine, or vice versa. He's 19 now, and I got him a My Little Pony charm for his key ring, Rainbow Dash. She's adorable and he's super excited for the mail to get there hehe I love this boy
In other news;
His crazy ex gf is working at the pizza place he works at now. I'm kinda freaked out about that, he called me almost in tears and said he wished she would just disappear. I don't trust that fucking bitch.. I know she wants him back, but he's mine now.
I know he wouldn't go back to her, I just don't want her there hurting him. I'm almost sure she'll try something and I'm almost sure he'll get hurt, he's such a sensitive sweetheart as much as he plays himself off as a tough guy. I've never wanted to hurt someone with my own hands as much as I want to hurt her, I mean, I've wished some people would off themselves or get hit by a buss, but I want it to be me that hurts this bitch.

And I'm now officially under 90. My last 4 weigh ins have been under 90 :) this is exciting shit, done pretty much without fasting at all (ok, one juice fast last week, hush I've had calories every day). I've decided it would be counter productive to lose control to the thing I use for control, I won't lose the ability to eat and I'll have the will power to stop before it's too much, and the will to push myself to exercise. that's my goal. I'm going to get to 85 with exercise, without fasting.

I'm such a freaking downer, I need to just go off myself. Don't wanna freak anyone out, trust me I'm too much of a coward to actually do what I should and die, so I'm just sitting here, wallowing in my misery. Not really caring to change it, not sure if I could or not, not sure I care or not. Kinda wishing I didn't wish someone else would come help me. Kinda wishing I'd never met Matt, for some reason I feel like he's the reason I'm still here, wishing. 

I'm not really sure we're friends anymore, I'm not sure why we would be, all I ever do is bitch at him and generally be sad. We had a good weekend, yea, but now I'm right back to my old stupid ways. 

God I miss him.. I'm no good away from him. I've never been able to maintain a long distance friendship, I'm far too needy, too selfish, not patient enough. I hate not knowing whats going on and if I can't see it I want to be told every little detail. This is why I try not to get into things, I can never leave well enough alone, I have to go overboard. It's easier for everyone if I just let people drift away and don't try to cling, these things become so messy. My head is so god damn messy.. 

Shocked.

Stayed home today cause I got sick over the weekend >.< I didn't let it stop me from having a shit lot of fun though! This weekend was amazing, I felt like I ate a bit too much, but somehow I'm at 89 lbs today, so I'm not gonna stress over that! I ate a big (for me, less than most of the others) breakfast and kinda grazed the rest of the day. Nothing spectacular happened, but I was with Matty all weekend, so it was a super freaking good weekend. I'm just happy. Its a good feeling, I miss him, but I know I'm going to see him again. I'm glad my mom seemed content to accept that I was home safe and not question too much where exactly I'd been all weekend. I hate when she flip flops between overbearing caring and not giving a shit at all, but that's a rant for another time.
Gonna go make some berry soup :)

Blueberry green tea, stevia & frozen mixed berries. Great for a sore throat when you want something sweet.
~Edit~
So glad I checked the mail just now, I got Michs package! I'm so super excited, I'm about to read Underwood now! Oh, and I forgot to mention, I somehow lost my belly ring over the weekend, and the hole closed up. I'm debating on if I should let it heal and get it profesionally done later (after I reach 85lbs) or if I should re-pierce it myself now while it'll be easy. I kinda wanna get something to keep it from scaring and then wait, I never felt like I'd done it well enough and I think the motivation would be good for me.. but I'm still loath to let it go and give up saying 'Yea, I did that myself,' :/