So, discovery, I have had a lot of panic attacks. And I didn't even know it. I had a panic attack the other day, thank god Neverfit explained almost right away what it was, I had no idea what was happening. I was curled up in the corner, terrified if I moved too much something really bad was going to happen, and crying and thinking I'd finally lost it.. I texted neverfit and she helped by telling me what was going on, then managed to move to the bed once I knew what it was, and when I started thinking about it, I realized this has happened before. Just never in the day, or in the light. I never knew I'd had panic attacks, I just thought for some reason the normal childhood terror in the dark had, for some reason, never gone away for me. But now I think I've been having panic attacks at night, not every night, and I'm sure they'd be considered mild, but I get scared, and I have to get under the covers, and then I'm scared to move, and I have trouble breathing deeply, feeling like something is going to get me or something bad is going to happen no matter how many times I tell myself it's all in my head and I'm safe in a house and humans have killed all the big bad monsters already, and if bad ghosts that just wanted to kill people existed we'd have heard a lot more about them already, I'm still terrified.

Also, I've decided I'm going to buy a Breville One-Touch Tea Maker. Yes, it deserves all those caps.


 "It heats water to the correct temperature for your tea, lowers the tea basket automatically into the water, and, at the correct time, auto-lifts the basket to prevent oversteeping. It will keep your tea warm for up to 60 minutes. Tea made simply. Makes up to 50 oz of tea at a time. Brushed stainless steel base with a stainless steel tea basket and a glass jug. Works in 120v, 1500 watts, 60hz" 
"Fully programmable for all types of tea, water temperatures, and steep times. The moving tea basket allows water to circulate freely around the individual tea leaves for maximum infusion. Set the timer and wake up to the aroma of your favorite brew. The German-made Schott glass kettle is durable and stain resistant."


I've checked many different sites, and found no negative reviews that can be taken seriously. A few comments (few and far between) about things people might like to see on it, but always something that would just make something a bit better for that person because of that persons preferences/lifestyle. Often with a disclaimer that this little thing in no way decreases the overall value and amazingness of the product. Amazon didn't even turn up more than a few bad reviews (which were either whining about how Breville has bad costumer service and you shouldn't buy from them, or were just super whiny about other stupid stuff), and that says something.

I'm really tired of using my parents coffee maker, I have to clean it out every time or their coffee apparently tastes funny (I forget to do that a lot), and I can't control the temp/steep time so I don't get the best out of my tea with that. Alternatively if I try to boil the water and get it to the right temp and use a timer, almost without fail, I forget about it, don't hear the timer, or hear the timer but am in the middle of something and think 'I'll go get it as soon as I'm done' but then have forgotten about it by the time I'm done. I don't have the attention span to stand there and watch the damn thing.

So, I really want this, and it costs 250$ which might be a deterrent if I didn't want the goal of getting it as much as I want the actual thing. By 'the goal of getting it' I mean having a goal for my money, to keep me from spending it carelessly on food. I love collecting money, but when I don't have a goal for it, it often ends up being spent stupidly (on food).

Dear You

Peri has asked me to write a letter to whomever about whatever. I must commence with "Dear you" and am only allowed to use pronouns.

Uhm...

ok

Dear You,

You've been there as long as I can remember, even when I fight with you. I've brushed off your worry and sneered at your concern and still you worry and concern yourself over me, why?  

We barely see each other, but if I need you I know you'll be there. Sometimes I hate myself for keeping so many secrets from you, but I can't let you try to help me. I don't understand why, but I know you'd destroy yourself trying to help me. And it kills me. 

It kills me that I can't always be there for you, that I can't be perfect for you and help you. I wish I could go back in time and help you get everything you deserve. You deserve a wonderful husband, and children, I know how much you love them, and just so much more than life gave you. 

You have so much talent, but you won't believe it, even now you have so much potential that you just can't seem to see. I think in some ways you're as frightened as I am. 

I hope that you know how much I love you.

To write letters now I choose, Perfect,  BirdBirdBird, Honor and Mich.

Time?

Time seems a little odd to me lately, like I'm not quite connected with it, or sometimes maybe I'm hyper-aware of it somehow? Vixys 'the moments last a lifetime, but the years they go so fast' usually seems accurate, I'm waiting for something to end, always waiting for the next thing to begin, but I look back and think 'where did all that time go?' but not right now. Since school started, everything just seems fast, the school day goes by so fast. I think it might be because I went from working from 8-6 and then going to school from 6-9 to just having 8:25-3:25 and then its over. The rest of the day is mine, but then that seems to pass so quickly too, doesn't 'your time' always? At the end of every day I'm left thinking, where did that day go?

I'm still maintaing, but I swear thats about to change. I can feel it the motivation coming back, I'm wanting to shrink away again. I lost the drive for awhile, I wanted it but I kept thinking of reasons I shouldn't, now though, those nagging little 'but why?' voices are starting to get answers. I keep seeing girls that are thinner than me, prettier, I cant change how pretty I am, but I can get thinner.

Seeing these girls in person is just so much more of a thinspo for me than pictures.. you know? Because they're actually there and I feel the need to compete.

And they all look so happy..

I don't like not being the thinnest girl around.. hell, in my bio class the thinnest is a guy and I'm still jealous.

Not only am I jealous of that flat stomach and ribs, I would fuck him (if I wasn't with matt of course, fucked up I may be but a cheater I am not). I think that is an absolutely gorgeous body.. (and I want his necklace, and I have an asian fetish. No joke, the only thing that could possibly make matt any better is if he looked asian (LOL auto correct tried to make that avian! I am not into birds autocorrect!!)). I've only had a few sexual dreams that weren't centered on an asian. Like, two guys, and a few girls. Since we're on sexuality here, most of my sexual dreams have been of females.. Three of guys, one ex, Matt, and one asian guy I had a huuge crush on (and still kinda wanna fuck..). All the rest, female. And plenty of those xD
Yay for random sexualness!

Bento + nails

those are over and done with already 

I actually think the face turned out kinda cute. I did Nyan Cat because Matty loves Nyan Cat. 

If you dont know what Nyan Cat is go educate yourself. 

I shouldnt be up right now, its three in the morning, I have to be up for school in about four hours, but matt and I were fighting. I don't even know who was wrong or right, I kinda think he's right, I sure feel like everything I am is just wrong, but somehow I managed to cling to my flimsy logic simply because I wanted him to give in and say hes sorry and that it wasn't wrong for me to want to be coddled a little. Even though it really was stupid and he has every reason to be mad at me for being a kill joy, I wish he would have just given me a few moments so I could have gotten over my freak out instead of saying I need to just throw my fear to the wind and do something. It's just that easy for him, and I don't understand how it is, I wish I did and I wish I could do it but I don't and I can't and I wish he could understand that and just.. not tell me he feels like he'd have to treat me like a little kid. 

Sorry about that, I just needed to whine. He said 'go to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow' but I dont know if I can sleep. I kinda wanna go bang my head against the wall, or run, or something. I would if it didn't make noise. Instead I guess I'm going to go lay down and wish I could cry still, because my head hurts and it feels like it needs to come out but it can't for some stupid reason. 

I'm so mad at myself..

Bento Boxes

Aren't they adorable? I've recently decided I need one of these boxes. I don't really need to fill it with anything besides salad and veggies. Maybe a rice ball here and there. These things are pretty small too, the top one's supposed to hold about a 3-400 calorie meal, and the bottom one 600 calories, but thats an estiment for if you use them 'right' with the larger bottom piece filled with rice or noodles or some pure carb and the top 2 part veggie 1 part protein. I'd probably fill the bottom with veggies (salad anyone?) and maybe protein then put fruit or maybe rice in the top. Rice is good.. and I want to learn to make rice balls.

I filled a little empty food coloring bottle with soy sauce. I'm gonna bring veggies monday in a little tuba-wear  

I somehow managed 90.4 yesterday morning, after a b/p the night before.. spaghetti is evil. Just sayin.

I've gotten reallyreally bad at tracking my calories. I've tried to the last few days and just failed completely. I kinda broke down to Matt, he must think I'm crazy. 

I feel sorry for my dad, he apparently asked mom if she was making dinner the wrong way and shes screaming now. The fuck is wrong with this woman? She just brought us up, her kids. "They don't think I'm crazy because I don't do this to them" its getting really hard not to go down there and say "Don't believe her, she does. She's the one that's always in the wrong, not you," and now she's screaming at Adam. I wish he would punch that fucking bitch more often. Rip out her fucking voice box so she can't do this shit. Poor daddy.. 

day one, back to school

So, got my schedual. It's interesting. I have to take three p.e. classes, which I'm totally ok with. One first semester and two second. One of them is individual sports, which includes archery, which is awesome lol I'm gonna pretend I'm a blood elf hunter! xD
I have some other girl who came from night school in my lunch/study hall hour and math class, I have psychology first semester and sociology second. Two writing classes each semester, and wildlife biology. I'm going to miss my art class a lot though, I even asked if I could do art instead of lunch, apparently there's a state law that students have to have a lunch hour.. pissed me off..

Day one for diet, 300.
Planned breakfast-eaten- (one full egg (70)& one egg white (17) scrambled w/soymilk(30) ) so that was about 55 since I only had half.
Planned lunch-eaten-1c mixed berrys (80) and a few chunchs of dried papaya (30) and one square of dark chocolate (55) since I didn't eat all my breaky.

Haven't had the planned dinner yet which is a cup of veggies (50) and a half cup spaghetti sauce (30)
So, projected total, 300 on the nose.
Also, about to go swimming, so yay for burning cals there.
Edit~ went swimming, then went to subway, friend bought me a 6" sandwich without asking and I couldn't resist, I took off the top half of the bread though, and some of the meat and cheese. So, I kinda failed, but I'm about to go get on the treadmill and not get off till I've burnt 300 cal.
Also, I had an idea for the bucket of dried fruit my aunt bought me, I'm chopping it up and adding it to my teas to make super fruity teas! Its not that strange an idea, actually, since if you look at it a lot of teavanas teas already have dried fruit.
 (Why does dried pineapple have to be so delicious? Need to use that up quiiick...)

I'm not regular.

No... I meant on blogger.. there ya go. 

I go for days without posting, and suddenly all I want to do is blog. Hmm, where to start? I've set up a pseudo-abc diet on my ipod, starting Wednesday, tomorrow, the day I go back to school. Holy fuck I'm going to see people tomorrow. I don't know how much I weight. I didn't sleep last night so I could go to sleep early tonight. My mouth feels drry. My diet has cal ranging from 400-800 on weekends and 0-600 on weekdays. Caffeine is a beautiful thing. 

I.. acquired.. more stuff. Truvia, two more luna bars (I fucking love those things), another card pack (still no dragonhawk T.T) and some kiddys garden fiber gummy thingies that are yummy. 

Made daddy take me shopping, got bags of frozen veggies/fruits. Will prob be having fruitys for lunch most days. GIANT bag of frozen berries ftw. Also, mango. Yum. 

What else? Oh, finally decided to get rid of some of the friends that don't act like it on facebook. I'm so tired of seeing people I'm supposed to be close to inviting people places and never me. Cried because of that today. Tried to tell one of them and he said something to the effect of 'well now that you've told me about it I cant because then I'll just be doing it because you told me to'... thanks dick. I'm done with them.

They will be gone next week. I don't wanna do it while the fires still hot or they'll notice and make shit about it.  Once I've faded back into the backround, I'll just leave quietly.

Its a new year and ALL of them are out of here anyway! (they all graduated.. I've always been the young one) I gotta make some new my age friends. I'm gonna, I'm not going to be the quiet girl this year, I'm gonna use what I learned observing in nightschool (there's a much more concentrated 'cool kid' population there, much better for research)  and be loud(er) and be heard for once god damnit I will! 

Fuck I'm tired.

Shopping trip. Kinda. And pictures.

First, navy pier pics I totally forgot my cousin had taken. If you're on my fb you've already seen them, 

My cousin on the right there, isn't she pretty? I want my hair that long. And I kinda hope I get that tall too. Maybe just one or two inches?

This one makes me laugh 'cause it kinda makes Matt look fat.

Mhm, shopping trip. One, my mom actually took me. I got some boring school clothes, which is cool because you have no idea how much I needed them. I also bought some new teavana teas! 

The raspberry riot lemon maté, with the same caffeine content of coffee. 

And

Superfruit unity green tea, because fruity + green tea = yum.

Then I also went on a 'shopping' trip with my friends. 'Shopping' because none of us actually bought anything.

 Cute little pez thing

Two luna bars and a wow card pack. (I need more wow card packs! I want my dragonhawk mount!! *nerd*)

And this thing, its a makeup bag, but I'm gonna be using it for random crap because I tend to carry a lot of crap and if I don't have a see-through bag I dump everything out and it takes too much time to put it all back and leads to things being dropped and getting strange looks. 

As for today, I'm not sure what possessed me to think letting one of my old fat habits surface two days before school starts was a good idea. I made a sugar sandwich. Not as bad as the old ones which involved a casserole dish lined with bread, peanutbutter, iceing, honey, extra powdered sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, toffee and whatever else I could find then topped with bread and possibly ice cream, but still not good. Actually, thinking about it, compared to that, icing bread and ice cream doesn't seem so bad. BUT RIGHT BEFORE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL IT IS.. I'm gonna go run up and down the stairs since my brother is gone for the next hour and a half.

Mom..

She fought with me until I cried because my little brother was hyper today (I didn't regulate how much ice cream he ate.. was busy cleaning >.>) and he annoyed her so she decided to yell at me about not running him around enough. I got mad after I told her I'd take him to the pool or the park every day this week to make up for it and she said 'Oh it's not worth it, I thought i could save some money having you watch him but you obviously dont ever do anything with or for him so I'll just send him to cathys (daycare) and not take you shopping' (that would be the shopping for school clothes I've been begging her to do since I have barely gotten anything new since freshman year and I'm now a senior and my clothes are almost all too big). So I got pissed, and we fought. I ended up crying, and complained to Matt who cheered me up with-

Matty Oppa says (10:10 PM)

your mom is like... this little knotted ball of fucked up.
Matty Oppa says (10:11 PM)
like... most human brains are like brand new balls of yarn, no frays or knots, lined up in little rows so nicely
but your mom.... she's like a 12 year old ball of hemp twine.
Matty Oppa says (10:12 PM)

its scratchy and dirty, knots form on their own, the rows are all fucked up and frayed, and the ends are split

Matty Oppa says (10:13 PM)

at this point, it makes a better fire starter than craft material.

Yup, that's my baby.


`Then when she came upstairs and found me crying, she started crying and said it wasn't me she was mad at it was the rest of the world and the damn government (they decided she was not in fact qualified for food stamps apparently, not that I'm too surprised since no matter how badly the business is doing she does still own it). So, she decided she's taking a big check out of somewhere mysterious and we're going shopping with it. Not that I really believe that's going to happen, she said it in an over-emotional state and you can barely trust things she says in a non-emotional state so.. I dunno. Wish me luck? I do hope she follows through, I just don't expect it.

Hmm

Well don't I feel like a bitchy bitch. We didn't talk the whole day after he said that in the morning, then when he came home from work at night the next day, he msged me. I said something like 'I thought you didn't want to talk to me' and we got into a whole.. discussion I guess, not a fight but was like on the edge the whole time.
Finally he said he meant he wanted to talk about nothing serious for a few days, but still to talk to me.
That made me feel a bit better, but the less thing was still bothering me, so I asked him to do something for me, I said that if he wanted to talk less the least he could do was be the one to start the conversations while we're on this break. I've tried to explain why I like that before and it hasn't worked, or at least he hasn't understood, so I asked him to just accept that I like it and do it for me and I'll do my best to avoid any serious topics for him, and we ended up staying up till almost 2 am and staying happy (almost, but I didn't mention it) the whole time.
And this morning he texted me kinda early, which has barely ever happened, I've almost always been the first to text him, even if he's up before me, unless I'd asked him the night before to text me in the morning. This time though, his text woke me up. I liked that, it made me smile to see it was him.
Thank you to the lovely girls that commented on my last post, especially Perfect for cheering me up with stumbleupon.com and Honor for some good advice. Honor is really good for that. Anyone who's not following them should be!


I really need to work on this flying off the handle thing, when will I get it through my thick skull that he really does love me? He's not going anywhere. 

Taking a break.

Edit~I forgot to mention, most of the fighting was because I wanted to talk more/him to call me or something along those lines. I feel like he's punishing me.
He wants to take a break, not breakup he said, but not talk so we have some time to emotionally recharge since we've been fighting so much. Ok, I said. I hope this break energizes him enough to help me get over this. I'm going to completely lose it. I've already started, actually.
Thoughts from the Twisted mind of me.
"Its because he can't stand talking to me"
"I can't believe I'm so terrible he needs to take a break from me"
"I should end this relationship so I can starve myself to death in peace"
"It'll be doing both of us a favor if I just go die"
"Why can't he talk to me?"
"Why is he even still dating me? Maybe he just likes tormenting me with these kinds of things and the girl he really loves is there laughing about it with him"
"Maybe he's getting back at woman for what his EX did to him"
"I don't want to live if he doesn't love me, he's all I have, all my future has been rebuilt around him, before him my plan was to party and die before 30, should I go back to that plan?"
(seriously, in like 5th grade I'd already decided to become a prostitute to pay for the partying and drugs that would kill me before 30 so I didn't have to deal with getting old like the grandma who's mind I watched die long before her body stopped moving, dementia scares me more than burning alive, drowning, bleeding out, being eaten alive by acid, having my skin flayed off and organs shoved down my throat, or any other kind of death)
"How will I even be able to enjoy that now that he's made me want a kid and given me hope that I'll be able to sleep next to someone who cares every night"
"I'm so scared... what if he doesn't ever come back from this 'break'?"
"What if he just needs time to think of a way to break up with me?"

Sometimes getting to be a smart ass can really cheer you up

Liz making eggs (I'm italicized) can you believe your dad yelled at me because I didnt know the difference between butter and margarine? *she gets out the margarine for my eggs*
Eww don't use that
What? You dont want butter?
Thats margarine
Oh, so you want animal fat instead of vegetable fat? I thought you were the healthy one
Well, thats hydrogenated vegetable fat actually and I want neither, I want olive oil.
You little smart ass

I love my cousin xD I wish I'd said something about the yolk though, she made two eggs with yolk. I ate one and stuck the other in the fridge when she wasn't looking, I'll have it for lunch or maybe just toss it.. dunno.
I'm gonna go comment on everyones posts now, I feel so bad that I haven't been. I'm still sick though, I've been having random pains all over my body and my mom refuses to take me to the doctor. I honestly kind of hope I get so sick they have to carry me to the car and take me to the emergency room so they will know I wasn't lying.. its kinda funny, I'm doing the same thing here that I do with food, I'm taking cranberry pills and half-resting, because as much as I want that I'm scared of letting it get that far, but I'm most certainly not doing everything I could to get better.

I kinda feel bad but..

Some reblogged above pic into my tumblr with the comment 'perfect'.. I honesty have trouble seeing how someone could look at ^ and think she's more beautiful than these

<3 her

my dork

Lynn says (10:40 PM)
you watch, next time I'm there I'm not gonna be running down the stairs to get your coco puffs or eggs
Matty says (10:40 PM)
Nooooooooooo!
But then my puffs will be soggy and eggs cold!
Lynn says (10:41 PM)
then you better say sorry
Matty says (10:42 PM)
I'z sowwy I called you a bitch
bitch
i mean I love you
=D
Lynn says (10:42 PM)
..bitch get your own damn coco puffs
Matty says (10:42 PM)
Fuck.
I'm not good at this.
Lynn says (10:43 PM)
No. You're really not.

<3 Him.
I got an award! Storyteller award started by Mich, given to me by the beautiful and always uplifting Cinnamon! Awmagawds I dunno what to dooo! T.T I'll try and think of something..
Erm, anyway.. my uti is pretty much gone, it got bad there for a bit though, fever and kidney pain and everything. But I'm good now. Found some cranberry supplements which I took along with my watered down cranberry flavored juice (mom failed, she got me a juice blend with cranberry at the bottom of the ingredients list and even tho it was no sugar added, still managed 35g sugar per serving, ugh).
Lets see.. so I've been doing ok, I'm at 91.4 lbs, I kinda sucked today though, carb craving so bad, I had chocolate rice cereal, and a doughnut, I don't really think I had enough to gain, but maintaining is not what I want.. I want loss, school is starting soon, I really want to be near 85 by then. He's under the 1st percentile for his age  >.> I'd have to be 83lbs to be there.. alright, thats my new goal. 83.
Exercise, do not eat junk. Veggies and eggs. Thats going to be my go-to meal, snack? Fucking carrots. We've got so many damn carrots I might as well eat them, screw liking them, they're healthy.
And don't tell fucking tell Matt. He might try to gain if I tell him he's my thinspo..
oh yeah, and I promised some pictures didn't I?

Yea, I failed, only took pics in the house & one in the car because the one time I remembered to bring it in the car I left it in there.