Thursday, May 5, 2011

What happened?

I'm such a fat ass! I binged last night and I'm up to 92. God I feel like such a failure, such a fucking failure. I could have made it to underweight by my birthday if I'd tried harder, I didn't, I drank high calorie liquids and THEN fucking binged too. And my birthday is in two days.. fucking.. two days.. nothing until birthday. I'm going to try my damnedest to eat as little and as healthy as possible on my b-day. I guess it'll just have to be my first -hide food while people are around- mission. I'm scared to do that because I'm scared I'll get caught. Like a book I read where the girl got caught with peas in her shoe. How silly would that look? Cake in my shoe? /sigh
Want birthday over. Want Matty. I want to be as far underweight as I can get by the time he gets here.. is it sick that I want him to be worried? I almost want to faint while he's there, just while I'm with him.. I feel like I have to prove that I'm fucked up >.> I think thats more fucked up than I am.
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5 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 5, 2011 at 6:54 AM

    Good luck darling.
    May i ask what book was it that you read? I want to read it.
    x

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  2. CMay 5, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    Good luck on your birthday! If you're afraid to get caught, then just say that you're feeling bad and can't eat the cake.

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  3. MichMay 6, 2011 at 10:17 AM

    Hope you have a good birthday, luv! xoxo

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  4. Honor RegzigMay 6, 2011 at 8:18 PM

    If worst comes to worst....one day of damage CAN be undone. Even if you get like 3000 calories shoved down your throat. Especially on your b-day...it still takes 3500 to equal one true pound. The rest would just be that water weight from the sudden carb overload. Water weight has no calories, it's just part of a working metabolism.
    One day can be undone if necessary.
    Just don't be like me and let one day turn into several days ^_^
    <3

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  5. AnonymousMay 6, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    out of curiosity, how tall are you? if you only reach underweight at 85lbs you must be pretty petite! I, on the other hand, am very tall [at least for a girl.] I love comparing height and weight ratios. I feel like I can weigh a lot more since I'm taller and look thinner but I also feel like petite girls can weigh low numbers and look teeny tiny but not unhealthy. If I was 90lbs, I'd easily get thrown into an eating disorder clinic hahaha

    stay strong!
    <3 Jess

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