First of all, I'd like to say I was complete idiot last post and my melodramatic -we might break up- post was unfounded because after a little while (not even an hour) he texted me saying he went for a drive and calmed down, he loves me and was I ok enough to talk? I said yes of course, and after a tense hour he admitted an aversion to apology because his crazybitchex used to yell at him when he did and say he didn't know why he was apologizing, so he stopped. I promised I'd never do that because I know I get hurt way too easy and for stupid reasons and I really just want to know he's sorry he hurt me for whatever reason because most of the time the why really doesn't matter, and if it does I promised to just say that I want to talk about it instead of going crazy and yelling at him like she did. So, we're ok, for now. I guess I'll post if he mades good on that next time the opportunity comes up. I hope he does.
Related; Our one year is next month!! We had a small debate on the day, he was saying the day we met face to face (july 23) because he says he fell for me that day, I was saying the day we actually started dating which was a few days later (july 27), we finally decided on July 24th because that was the night he said 'I love you' and I said it back, or it might have been the morning of the 25th but, eh. Details.
Unrelated; MYBEANBAGISHEREANDINMYROOMANDI'MONITANDITOOKAFAILPICTURELOOOOK!!!!!!

xD I showed that to matt and he was like '...youre a dork' xD
I'm waiting for him to get home from work now to get a picture so you can see the whole bag with me on it, it's freaking huge and that picture, while it does a good job of showing how happy I am about it, just doesn't do the size justice (and my camera doesn't do delayed picture taking).
Here it is!

Totally sleeping on this tonight.

Beginning of the end?

I fought with Matt today. Sourta. It wasn't really either of our faults, but the ending to all our fights so far no matter what is I cave and scramble to kiss up and say sorrysorrysorryhowcanImakeitbetter? And then feel shitty and pathetic or I ask him five times to say sorry and feel shitty and pathetic. I'm tired of it. So, I didn't do it. I sat and watched the angry and then hurt words pop up. It's the hurt that usually gets to me, but I'm tired of being pathetic. So I sat and watched. Then finally he asked why I wasn't saying anything, well actually he said 'An apology or even 'sorry you feel that way' would have been nice' and I explained that I'm not going to say sorry first now. I'm tired of it.
I didn't tell him how much it hurts.
So he gave a snippy 'I'm sorry for being a prick, even though it wasn't unprovoked. I'm going to bed'
I wanted to say sorry, that whole time but I don't want to be pathetic. I'm tired of it. I don't want to just get over it either, I want him to understand.. how do I make him understand? If I can't.. this is going to be the beginning of the end of us.

Comment responses
Kim; Tell me how your popsicles turned out, I wanna hear.

Hope; It took me about a year to get down from 30something% to 12.72%

Aly; Nope, I'm in the US, we have virgin mobile too.

Body fat %

I mentioned that in my last post, said last time I used the calculator it came up around 30%, which is bad. I decided to try it again because Kes asked what I used and... O.o


Waist size at narrowest point: 23 inches
Waist size at your navel: 26.5 inches
Hip size at widest point: 30 inches
Neck at narrowest point: 11.4 inches
Select your height: 5'
What is your weight?  92 lbs
12.72%
"You could have an eating disorder if you are under 10%" it says. Well damn, I gotta kick it into gear.
http://www.healthstatus.com/cgi-bin/calc/calculator.cgi
I keep forgetting I'm technically not fat. Matt says if I can't feel it I should at least look at the technical side of it, the medical side. Ok, so in that case, technically I'm not overweight, but technically I'm not underweight (hush if you disagree, I like my site, it makes me work harder) either and that's what I want.
Is it fucked up that this made my day instantly better? I feel like I'll be able to sleep well tonight, I hope you all find better results than you expect! Good luck to you all and I love you all

I wanna send a special *hug* to NeoHippy because she doesn't have a blog for me to comment on! You're so right lovely, tomorrow will be better because we will make it better! Tomorrow we're going to seize the day! We're going to tell that day, "Day, you're going to be a damn good day because I damn well say so!" and its going to shake in whatever a day wears and say "Yes Maam" and it is going to be the best day we ever saw.
See? That's what happens when you don't have a blog to contact you on, all the weird stuff that came into my head when I read your comment had to come out here instead.

Now I just need to find matts hoodie and I'll be able to sleep..

I spent nearly an hour staring at the chocolate that was on sale at target, walking away and coming back and staring more, a bucket of vanilla ice cream truffle bars, an assortment of fruit covered in chocolate, ghirardelli bags and more. I bought one 'goodlife' 40% coco bar with flax seed, nuts and fiber. Of course I ate the whole thing right away too. Then my friend took me to subway and bought me chips, and a cookie.
I'm not in the greatest mood.
Thank you everyone for your comments on my last post. I know I'm not medically fat, but I still have too much fat. I've got like 30something% bodyfat, so while I'm on the lower end of bmi, I'm on the higher end of this chart.  Fuck.
Essential: 12%-15%
Athletes: 16%-19%
Fit/Lean: 20%-24%
Average: 25%-28%
Overfat: 29%-32%
Obese: 33% plus

I love you guys

Thank you everyone who commented on my last two posts, I know I've been a terrible commenter but I'm going around now!
Being at my aunts house was a great attitude booster, though I don't want to step on the scale till after my fast (starting tomorrow), I am feeling better. More loved and what not. My grandma gave me clothes, and fishnet of all things! xD

As anyone who remembers my last leg photo can see, I haven't made any progress, the tops of my thighs are still nasty as fuck, at least they aren't completely smooshed together though.. right? >.>

I'm getting a giant bean bag finally! I picked it out with my aunt, a 6 footer, sky blue. $147 from overstock.com. 

Had sushi this weekend for one dinner and homemade waffles for breaky and some milk, ( somehow managed to skip lunch both days) and too much chocolate... also had an a shit ton of tea and my truvia lemonaid, if only I hadn't had that milk I could say I didn't drink any calories.. usually I don't. 

And finally, I've got a phone again! If anyone wants to text me at all email me at Strivetostarve@ymail.com and I will send you my number or send me your number and I'll text you! I have Virgin Mobile if that affects anyone. 

Can't wait to hear from my girls (or guys) love you all!! <3<3

I want to fast right now for the sole purpose of being able to laugh at my mom next time she says I don't care about her money issues and tell her how much she's saved from me not eating, and ask her how much she cares.

 You don't cry on someone shoulder after you've told them they're the scum of the earth.

 You don't make jokes about someone having an eating disorder.

 You don't take their food away from them and tell them not to eat "because I know you'd just go throw it up and you don't need to be taking food away from the rest of us like that"

 Fine then.

 I won't eat your food.

Matt insisted I go to my aunts this weekend because of this, but I plan to fast when I get back anyway.

Someday

Someday I'll be gone, and she'll sit there wondering what happened. she'll wonder why I don't call and feel used and tossed aside and that will be the best revenge I can get. That's how she is, she abuses the shit out of you and then cries when you don't want to talk to her. I knew even when I was little it was best to just sit and take it until it was over, and then to go hide the second she turned her back. I miss that house with the spot I could get into the walls and hide there.. I can't hide now, but someday I'll be gone.. one way or another.
As for now? I missed the buss because I have one pair of pants appropriate for summer school and I wore them yesterday, not like, on pair I think looks good on me, one pair period. Complained out loud about not having anything to wear (that was the big mistake) and they started yelling at me about how I don't care about anything so why should they get me more and that turned into what a fucking freak I am and how little I help them and how stupid I am.. and then they left. I don't have a phone (they shut off the house phone and refuse to get me one) so even if I had someone to call for help (which I don't) I couldn't.
Someday I'll be gone.. I just wish today was that day.

Awww

Matty confessed he loves when I tell him I like the way he kisses, apparently his ex had a problem with how he kisses.. he's slow and sweet.. it's how I imagined my first kiss when I was little, that soft, loving, magical kiss.. didn't end up being my first kiss (which wasn't great), hell, took me I don't know how many tries to find it, but I did with him.

I'm torn between happy (that he's so happy I like the way he kisses) and omfg I want to rip that bitches face off for everything she did to him. If I ever meet her... ooh she better watch it.
Another thing, a friend of his told me she cries now when she hears his name and has been trying to get him back because she misses him. He's fucking mine now bitch. Even when I'm mad at him I've never told him I didn't like him or insulted him. Her? She told him while they were having \sex that she was cheating on him. She broke up with him so many times, she played mind games and fucked with him for THREE YEARS before he finally left her for good.. that's how loyal he is. I don't plan to give that up. Fucking. Mine.
Even when he pisses me off I know I love him.

Light headed & tired rant, sorry if its not making too much sense. I miss him... stupid long distance..

I got the movie

I had a little drink and worked up the courage to ask her, and a guy.. I'm not sure why, I shouldn't have, had a crush on this kid for fucking ever, even though there was like 4 years there where I never talked to him. What the fuck ever. I love my Matty and I'll be flattered and tell him sorry but no if anything happens, not that it will, right? Unless he desperate as fuck >.> I'm not exactly a cool kid here, I'm not even sure why he agreed to come, for old time sake maybe? We were best friends in like 4th grade. He's on the top of the latter and I'm at the bottom.. why is he coming? Bah.. Don't care, done thinking about that.
I'm not in a great mood as you can see, just generally feeling like an idiot and the full feeling doesn't help, even though I know half of whats in my stomach is water and at least a 4th is protein.. I still feel full, you know? It's just not a nice feeling.. I'm gonna spend my money on nail polish and shoes next time I go to the shop, no more food. I should wear jewelry this summer too. Maybe headbands. I need stuff instead of food..

My personal irl thinspo

t 

This is the girl I talked about awhile ago, in night school, the one that kept looking at me that was so skinny and it took me forever to work up the nerve to talk to her. Look at those itty bitty thighs! I feel like such a creeper xD I'm on her fb page every day since I got it..
I don't want to eat today, after looking at these. I'm gonna go walk on the treadmill and read a book till I get to at least 300 cal. I got to 260 yesterday & barely ate, so that felt pretty good. I want to get back to feeling fainty all the time, that floating-on-a-cloud-I-can-do-anything-wow-isn't-the-world-so-pretty feeling. I wanna spend the summer with that  feeling. Mostly I've been eating low fat-high protein cheese and yogurt, I really want to conserve my muscle while I still have a lot of fat so the fat comes off easier..
I really want it off my thighs.. I wish I could get ahold of a leg brace, I read someones confession on tumblr about hating that her therapists made her gain back leg muscle after she wore a brace because her legs looked so skinny and pretty when the muscle was gone..
So all over the place xD sorry, really just wanted to share my irl thinspo, because really, her legs!! Ugh.. I should try to set up a movie or something with her.

This fucking boy..

Fucking love this girl

He's lost six lbs.. 109 pounds now..

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 17.1 , placing the BMI-for-age below the 1st percentile for boys aged 18 years 7 months. This teen is underweight and should be seen by a healthcare provider for further assessment to determine possible causes of underweight. Me? Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 18.2 , placing the BMI-for-age at the 13th percentile for girls aged 17 years 0 months. This teen has a healthy weight. Fuck you healthy. I'm fasting. I need to be at 87 lbs (for you metrics 39.5 kg) to be under his bmi.

Super awesome amazing carrot cake!!

Now this is real fresh carrot cake!
Cake Dough
• 2 1/2 cups ground carrots
• 1 cup walnuts
• 1/2 cup soaked dates
• 1 cup soaked raisins
• 1 tsp. freshly diced ginger
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp. cardamom
• 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
To get ground carrots, simply place chopped carrots into a food processor or high speed blender until
these become a finely shredded amount of carrots. You could also use carrot juice pulp, but I recommend you add whole shredded carrots because they add some sweetness that might be lost through
juicing. Place the ground carrots in a mixing bowl.
Grind the walnuts to a fine powder in a high speed blender or food processor. Add to the mixing bowl.
Next, blend the soaked dates and 1/2 the soaked raisins to the blender or food processor, along with
the rest of the ingredients and blend until smooth. Add this to the mixing bowl, along with the remainder of the soaked raisins. Mix thoroughly with your hands or a spatula. Form into a cake shape, and top with icing.
Icing
• 1 cup soaked cashews
• Juice of 1/2 a lemon
• Raw honey or stevia to your desired sweetness
• Nut milk to help blend (almond milk, for example)
Blend until smooth, then frost the cake with icing!

I am so in love.. we have so many carrots, I'm making this tomorrow! Will post pic <3
http://curecravingsforever.com.s3.amazonaws.com/DessertsEveryDay.pdf
I got it off this ^

Mulberries

found six trees on the seven min walk from my house to the dollar general <3
I'm seeing my Matty again next month, summer school will be starting.. Matty though, he's my main motivation, I feel like I should at least be thinner than last time when I next see him, which means I have to be under 90 by next time because thats where I was last time I saw him. Two weeks ago.. why does it have to be sooo easy to gain three pounds in a week and so hard to lose the same?
I kinda wanted to fast a few days this week, but I kinda don't now, we have fresh tomato and spinach and berries and yogurt and almond milk and I think I should nibble on those. I'll have a healthy low week and then fast next week. Probably..
Really kinda want to fast today though.. might anyway. 100% fruit juice tube pops <3

Thats probably gonna be my rule when I move out. I think we're planning on moving in with Mattys friends right now. I don't know whats going to happen then, if it even happens, I still feel like there's no way I'm good enough for him.. how could he not meet someone else in College? and I'm not even going to be there.. how could I have a chance to keep his attention on me when he's out meeting new people and living on his own..

Just need to get through this year first..  

What was it my councilor told me before my mom decided it looked bad to have a kid with a therapist?

"Try to focus on one thing at a time."

"Try to focus on something you can control."

Get.

 Thin.