I need to learn to make friends.. be personable.. I've pretty much been able to make ONE friend irl, anyone else I've called a friend, she introduced me to, and they are more like acquaintances, they don't do shit for me, they don't talk to me unless they have to and don't give a shit about me. They proved that tonight. I hardly even want to talk about it, the issue sounds so petty, but the heart of it that I'm so upset about is that I wasn't supposed to be alone tonight, but I'm going to be. No different than any other night really except I'm not supposed to be alone!
I even met Matt online. What the hell is it about me in person that so turns people off from me?
Even she seems like she's gone now, her boyfriend replaced me, she's off to college, I'm just some old friend to her now. Nothing exciting here, no reason to talk to me, she has new exciting people to discover and places to explore..
I'm kinda terrified that when I move in with Matt he'll see whatever it is that makes people not want me around and wish he'd never been in that chat room on Mizahar where we met..
He did something incredibly sweet though, I was texting him and on top of that shit I was getting upset because he's not going to be home tonight to talk to me and I was kinda starting to snap at him because I'm just that fucking stupid and he just called me at work and said 'Baby, tell me whats going on' and actually talked to me for a few minutes, I don't know, maybe it doesn't seem like much, but.. I needed so badly for someone to prove they really cared and that was so unexpected and so sweet when I was provoking him because I'm such a selfish bitch and I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me, how do I deserve him?
God what will I do if he ever leaves me? I've never felt so dependent on someone.. It scares me so much.. I almost wish he wasn't like this, just so I wouldn't be let down, I just know I will be, how can someone be so.. so.. wonderful..? It's not possible.. it's not possible he loves me, there has to be someone else that's perfect, that's the only way he could put up with angsty, whiny, stupid, nasty me.
And my sleeping pill isn't going to let me stay awake any onger, thank the heavens
one more thng though, I can't forget my beautiful, wonderful Perfect Oxymoron who also listened to me whine and bitch and has been there for me all night, oh how I wish I could be closer to her, though lord knows though that thing that chases people away might get to her too.. maybe it's best I am where I am.. I couldn't stand to lose her either..
goodnight my lovelies
If people like the REAL you, then he's worth keeping around. If they only like a mask, they're ok to hang with but not 'keepers' for the long haul. Hang in there, you find good mates in the oddest places :)
ReplyDeleteSweet dreams <3
In a lot of your posts, you'll say something that reminds me SO MUCH of myself it's creepy. And funny enough, a lot of people tend to shy away from hanging out with me. Apparently I can come off as pompous, mean, stuck up, stand-offish, etc etc etc and I have been known to scare people... Like Peri said--the ones who do stick around to hang out with the real you are the ones who are worth it. The rest can go feck themselves.
ReplyDeleteAnd take my word for it--if you do put on a different mask to get them to hang out with you, you will probably discover that you can't stand being around them anyway. :)
You're quite a bit smarter and more creative than the average joe. I think other people just find it intimidating. <3
xoxo
oh psh posh woman! You are the only one that is younger than me that i can get along with! and I am being serious! I NEVER have any close friends who are younger than me, and besides, we all have those moments of 'hey im poking you so you can get mad at me cause i think i deserve it' but my love, its alright! I will always be here for you, YOU ARE MY LITTLE SISTER!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand about needing to make friends irl! It's just so much easier to find people online when you can show all of yourself without fear of rejection.
ReplyDeleteBtw, I totally agree with Peridot. Risk showing yourself, and you'll find a keeper. ;)
In some ways your rs w matty reminds me of mine w R (except obviosuly I'm not doing the sex haha). Matty already is able to see when you're mad but not mad at him, just lashing out, and he can react with compassion and maturity. That is huge. This guy's a keeper. Probably why he's starting to remind me of R a bit.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Matty but I can share what I've learned in the 10 yrs I've known my own knight in shining armor.
1 don't blame him for stuff that's not his fault.
2 don't let him blame himself for stuff that's not his fault either.
3 if he catches you taking anger out on him (like what u described above) admit it, say sorry, refer to rule 1. (Sounds like u did this too :)
4 try to treat him as well as he treats you. Keep his secrets, encourage his dreams, let him feel that's you're a safe person to cry in front off. Guys have issues with crying, but they need to cry too sometimes.
5 realize that you don't have to understand why he loves you, just accept that he does. (This one is still hard for me sometimes even after 10 yrs! But try!)
I know my situation isn't the same as yours but nice guys are still nice guys, maybe a little of what I learned can help? Cuz that feeling of dependancy you mentioned is actually a sign of a solid relationship building its foundation. And it is scary, feeling so dependant on another person. But when that dependance is mutual, when two people are supporting and caring for each other, it's a beautiful thing.
Didn't Portia talk in her book about how Ellen saved her? This is how love begins. Now they take care of each other.
I usually keep my speakers muted when blog-reading (because having multiple blogs open when more than one have those music player gadgets can be a little frightening...), but I happened to have my speakers on just now when I opened your blog.
ReplyDeleteI REALLY like Blind Guardian. :D Never heard of them before, but they're pretty fun.