wow

I need to learn to make friends.. be personable.. I've pretty much been able to make ONE friend irl, anyone else I've called a friend, she introduced me to, and they are more like acquaintances, they don't do shit for me, they don't talk to me unless they have to and don't give a shit about me. They proved that tonight. I hardly even want to talk about it, the issue sounds so petty, but the heart of it that I'm so upset about is that I wasn't supposed to be alone tonight, but I'm going to be. No different than any other night really except I'm not supposed to be alone!
I even met Matt online. What the hell is it about me in person that so turns people off from me?
Even she seems like she's gone now, her boyfriend replaced me, she's off to college, I'm just some old friend to her now. Nothing exciting here, no reason to talk to me, she has new exciting people to discover and places to explore..
I'm kinda terrified that when I move in with Matt he'll see whatever it is that makes people not want me around and wish he'd never been in that chat room on Mizahar where we met..
He did something incredibly sweet though, I was texting him and on top of that shit I was getting upset because he's not going to be home tonight to talk to me and I was kinda starting to snap at him because I'm just that fucking stupid and he just called me at work and said 'Baby, tell me whats going on' and actually talked to me for a few minutes, I don't know, maybe it doesn't seem like much, but.. I needed so badly for someone to prove they really cared and that was so unexpected and so sweet when I was provoking him because I'm such a selfish bitch and I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me, how do I deserve him?
God what will I do if he ever leaves me? I've never felt so dependent on someone.. It scares me so much.. I almost wish he wasn't like this, just so I wouldn't be let down, I just know I will be, how can someone be so.. so.. wonderful..? It's not possible.. it's not possible he loves me, there has to be someone else that's perfect, that's the only way he could put up with angsty, whiny, stupid, nasty me.
And my sleeping pill isn't going to let me stay awake any onger, thank the heavens
one more thng though, I can't forget my beautiful, wonderful Perfect Oxymoron who also listened to me whine and bitch and has been there for me all night, oh how I wish I could be closer to her, though lord knows though that thing that chases people away might get to her too.. maybe it's best I am where I am.. I couldn't stand to lose her either..
goodnight my lovelies