Down, down we gooo

Just been too damn happy for too damn long. I knew it wouldn't last.
I've been thinking lately, trying so so hard not to, because when I think, it's about these kinds of things;

Everyone I met tells me how beautiful I am.
Amazing dark hair, gorgeous almond-shaped green eyes, cute oval face, and perfect little body.
I want to tell them I'm not. I lie, I make fun of others, I judge and idolize idiots, I hurt myself because I can't be perfect enough for me, I'm manipulative and spiteful and petty.
I'm ugly on the inside.

I also can't stop worrying about M. I've never had a relationship like this, all emotion, I love it, him. He's so stable without losing any spontaneity or any funness. But I'm so scared he's going to get bored, I mean, he's a guy.. I've always been in only physical relationships with guys.
He's so good, too good for me, and I know any day he's going to realize it and walk away.
I'm terrified of losing him. I'm always terrified of being left, but before I've always been able to SEE that they were attracted to me, you can't lie about a boner, all I have is his word. I'm too used to being lied to.

On the up side, all this worry is deff not good for eating. Every cloud has a silver lining right? I just wish my silver lining weren’t so lack luster. It's more of a light gray lining. Yeah, I'm worried, but you know, it's cool 'cause it's furthering this thing that hurts me that I do to myself because I'm an insecure control freak.

>.<