100

I'm still there. It probably won't last, but right now I'm just happy with life, so it's not bothering me too much that I'm at the same place/
When I put my hands on my hips, bone is all I want to feel. I love collar bones, I think they're soso sexy, ahh! Onemonthonemonth! M will be here <3 I hope he likes it, I've lost 10 pounds since I last saw him, hoping to make it 15, oh my god I hope he likes it. His last gf had large boobs... she was also a blond (I've got brown hair with some natural red in it, and I've got LARGE nothing, just kinda hanging in that spot where I'm not fat but not skinny enough) it seems physically and mentally I'm a lot different from her, he hates her so that's a good thing. She's very emotional, but adverse to physical, I'm not typically emotional, but I love physical contact. She's easily upset and makes a show of it but doesn't get really excited when she's happy, when I'm happy I'm hyper as fuck and I don't really act upset, I don't like showing negative emotions, if you see me when I'm unhappy I usually just look chill, an kinda tired. People mistake my anger and sadness for tired all the time, as it should be. I don't like dealing with those emotions in myself, I don't like other peoples reactions to them either.

Had about 1/4 a can of vegetarian soup, about 30 Cal and three grape tomatoes (no idea on Cal) for breakfast, I'm trying not to eat anything else today. I might end up having a pack of gummies though (80 Cal and no fat in the packs they sell at school, so happy I found that out 'cause Cat tries to buy me things and the other things are chocolate and pizza and hotdogs, yuck)
I'll share the gummies if I get them, I'm going to try to keep my total under 100. lol that's todays number, 100
I used to think 1000 Cal was not much, that puts things in perspective, makes me feel like I've come quite a way :)

yay for happy days, I can almost see the impending crash though
Nope, not thinking about that, think happy thoughts!
Thankyou thankyou all my gorgeous girls for the comments and suggestions in your blogs, just reading and knowing there are other people out there struggling along with me, it helps a lot.

Special thanks to Harley x for encoraging me to take a leap and go to Cats party, I'm so doing it!

To offset the rantyness, heres something interesting I found, some foods that make you feel more full with less and a warning about not getting enough calcium, apperantly lack of that nutrient can trigger the release of calcitrol, a hormone that causes fat storage. http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/health-fitness/diet/Foods-that-make-you-feel-full/articleshow/4890340.cms
I abhor feeling full, so I'll just keep the calcium warning in mind and maybe eat just a little of these to see if it can keep me from getting hungry even if I'm not full

Plateau

I've been reading a lot about people hitting these, I have before too, so I thought I'd do some looking into how to break them.
This guide is for ‘normal’ dieters, it mentions calorie amounts that I think are pretty high, but I think the basic advice in it is good.
http://www.diet-blog.com/06/5_ways_to_break_a_weight_loss_plateau.php
Basicly, switch it up, don't eat the same type of thing every day and try to work out at a different time.
So how I'm putting this to use, I'm thinking if this can break a plateau it can also help prevent one.
 I already do pretty good switching up my food I think, I don’t really have a schedule, sometimes I eat at school, sometimes I eat after, sometimes I eat lunch and sometimes breakfast (never both in one day, god no), and I don't have any sertain thing I eat everyday, sometimes fruit, sometimes veggies, and sometimes other things get added randomly, but I realize I ALWAYS work out at night. So, I’m going to try getting up early instead one or two days a week, and since I’m home today I’ll work out in the middle of the day.

Er, I'll use it after Halloween anyways, since I'm not after weight loss right now as much as stopping that stupid period, I'm going to just eat as little as possible till then, effectively stopping my period by giving my body nothing to build the lining with (the thing that your period is getting rid of is that nutrient lining your body builds up incase you end up with a baby to feed, yay health class! xD).

Edit- I've updated my thinspo page if anyone is interested :)

.

You know as much as I hate it, I realize my period actually helps me not eat. 'Cause I get bloated and since I don't really have a distorted body image, that kinda makes one for a week, I can see the numbers go down on the scale, but look in the mirror and my belly is all pudgy and yuck, so I keep not eating, hoping it will look better tomorrow.
- edit
I messed up the color xD

DAMNIT...

Little fucking red dot. >.< started my period. Really don't want this thing... did notice it's not as heavy though and that I look slimmer than I remember looking on my period before :) I have to get it gone next month, it's always the end of the month and I don't want to have it for halloween... my Oppa hates periods and he's going to be here for halloween, if I'm on it while he's here, no sex or anything :(

Party?

For the first time ever, I've been invited to a real one. Not like, a few friends staying the night and goofing off or a birthday party... It's a Party. Halloween is the excuse, I was told you can wear a costume, if you want. Most people who do will just be doing it so they can tell their parents they are going to a costume halloween party with friends. There is going to be drinking and dancing and stripping and probably a hellovalota other illegal things. I'm probably going to be the youngest person there. If I go.
I was invited by this girl, one of the most gorgeous girls I know, a head taller than I am and probably half my waist size, the most beautifle green eyes, smooth skin and a currly mass of strawberry blond hair that always looks like it just stays perfect without her doing anything to it. Infact she runs her hands through it, headbangs and shakes her head all the time and it just stays perfect, if I did that my hair would be a frizzy mess.
I call her Cat.
Cat recognized me from art club and started talking to me a while ago, I guess she took a liking to me because she kept talking to me and now she has started introducing me to other people there. I've gotten used to being on my own... I don't know how to talk to these people. Even before I never was in the 'bad' crowd... which is really all there is in Night School. I guess I'll just play chill and stick around as long as they want me.
I digress... the party, I don't know about this... I want to try it, I want to go get smashed and forget about things... I'm afraid though, I've never done anything like this. I want to... I also don't know how I'll be able to get there though. I don't drive... I doubt she likes me enough to come pick me up, and there is NO WAY my parents can take me. I don't know what I'll say to even get out of the house that long with my freak mom. Not like I really have any friends near where I live that I could say I'm staying the night with.
M wants me to go and get pictures taken on the stripper pole....

Edit
Wow first post without a word about food. xD till just now...

Almost there

Fainted for the second time yesterday while I was running. I'm almost at 100 though, at 101.6. I had half a packet of oatmeal for breakfast. I know, I know. But it's been about three days since I've eaten and the faint scared me. Thank god no one found me... it was night and I was in the park. I'm going to have half an ear of corn for lunch and the rest of it for dinner with some beans. I think I'm going to start eating about an hour before I run.. or go exersize in the basement if I'm on a fast. Waking up there around midnight seriously freaked me out. Thank god neither of my parents ever notice I'm gone.

Oh yeah, I've got the money and time to get diet pills now, in about two days. Any suggestions?

Down, down we gooo

Just been too damn happy for too damn long. I knew it wouldn't last.
I've been thinking lately, trying so so hard not to, because when I think, it's about these kinds of things;

Everyone I met tells me how beautiful I am.
Amazing dark hair, gorgeous almond-shaped green eyes, cute oval face, and perfect little body.
I want to tell them I'm not. I lie, I make fun of others, I judge and idolize idiots, I hurt myself because I can't be perfect enough for me, I'm manipulative and spiteful and petty.
I'm ugly on the inside.

I also can't stop worrying about M. I've never had a relationship like this, all emotion, I love it, him. He's so stable without losing any spontaneity or any funness. But I'm so scared he's going to get bored, I mean, he's a guy.. I've always been in only physical relationships with guys.
He's so good, too good for me, and I know any day he's going to realize it and walk away.
I'm terrified of losing him. I'm always terrified of being left, but before I've always been able to SEE that they were attracted to me, you can't lie about a boner, all I have is his word. I'm too used to being lied to.

On the up side, all this worry is deff not good for eating. Every cloud has a silver lining right? I just wish my silver lining weren’t so lack luster. It's more of a light gray lining. Yeah, I'm worried, but you know, it's cool 'cause it's furthering this thing that hurts me that I do to myself because I'm an insecure control freak.

>.<

Ugh

I fucking hate my body. Right after I said I was going to take a picture I started getting sick. So I've been, not only stuck in bed, but forced to eat for the past two days. First thing I did now that I'm up and no ones home, of course, was check the scale.

107

Ewwwww...
I went up.. god I look disgusting. I feel disgusting. I don't want to leave the house, I was so excited about going to art club today, but now people are going to be looking at me like omg that girl can't control herself, haha look at her stomach, she's so fat.
Maybe I'll just say I'm still sick.. but then I'll have to stay in bed and be forced to eat more.. no! I can't do that nonono ugh I just want to cry right now.. I don't know what to do.

THANK YOU ANA

I don't have audio at work, so no idea what they are saying. But that is just nasty. I go looking for fat people sometimes when I want to eat. I find it's a good deterrent. God what a disgusting person. Helped me eat just a peach this morning.

Thinspiration for the day,

LOVE GIRLS GENERATION
they are all so gorgeous and thiiin

This is Jessica <3


plus they are all really hot when they are dancing


Girls Gen is a group of nine korean girls who dance and sing.
Well, some of them sing.



Point is, they are all hot and really really thin.

omg I wish I could be a dancer T.T


I so can't do it..

But I can resist temptation pretty well :)

Yesterday..
My grandpa decided to surprise me with lunch >.< he brought eggs and potatoes...

I had to nibble some of the white stuff around the eggs while he was watching, but then I threw away about half the potatoes and took the rest to my mom. She is sooo fat it's nasty, it's great living with her though because I see every day what will happen if my will falters. Go mom! xD
I did have my muffin.
Also got offered poptarts at school... the smores kind :( I love smores... I took them and alowed myself to eat half of one. The rest went in my bag and were given to my little brother when I got home.

Also got in about a half hour of running, walking and skipping in the rain last night :) I love when it rains heavy at night, no one else is ever out and I can just do whatever I want and I don't know if they can or not, but it feels like no one can see me. Did some situps and leg lifts in my room till my thighs were burning after that and had a nice warm shower :)