I haven't been here for awhile. I miss you guys.

I sure have gotten myself into a fix, and I have no where else to spill my thoughts.. I'm.. kinda living with Andy right now. I tried to leave, and he explained so logically why I should stay here, and I wavered, but I was still going to go, but then he cried, and begged, I just felt so guilty and I couldn't help but think that he's so smart and he really does treat me well and he really seems to love me so I must be wrong, so I stayed.

And now, I'm not happy. 

I have to hide that I'm still talking to Matt, kinda, he knows but if I ever let him think I might be thinking about Matt at all while he's near me he gets really upset and makes me feel really guilty, so I have to hide it.

I'm starting to resent that, you shouldn't have to keep secrets from a lover, right?

I miss Matt.

I gave myself till the end of the month, partially to think and see if this sadness goes away, and partially because Andy's birthday is really soon and I feel so terrible for even thinking about leaving so close to that, and partially because if I went up to Chicago right now Matt wouldn't even have anything to do with me because of how badly I hurt him.

I was supposed to go visit family in Chicago to see if getting away from here helped sort out my feelings, and Matt was going to be my ride there, but I fucked things up. I knew if I told Andy Matt was my ride, he'd be angry, and I hate to have anyone angry with me, it scares me so much, so I didn't tell him. It was really harmless.. except that he specifically asked me not to lie.. and I did, and he found out. When Matt was here.

And I felt so bad that I stayed, and sent Matt back home by himself. I'm really angry at myself for that now, and I'm really really lucky that Matt didn't just tell me to go fuck myself like I really deserved, he was really angry at me for awhile.. but still my friend.. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. I think he's the last person that I'm really comfortable talking to, and I just can't lose him...

Oh, and I've been yo-yoing my weight, never above 95, never below 85. Fun times. 

/end rant

I really really miss being here.
Oh, I might be just a hint buzzed, so sorry about anything not making sense. 

Hey there

I'm insane. Andy won't last much longer, he'll probably be gone by the end of the week. I have a problem. I'm going back to Matt, because he's the only person I've ever dated that I didn't break up with because I was bored. We had a legitimate problem, and he's taken steps to fix it.
Andy.. is a wonderful guy.. he really is, but the feelings just flared up and then faded away, like they always have, with everyone except Matt. I guess I do love Matt, it seems like it, I've had this feeling a lot, but he's the only one who it hasn't faded with.
I think what I pursue guys like some people pursue drugs. That rush in the beginning is always so amazing. They can keep me as long as it lasts because it makes me feel loved, a feeling I can't manage to produce on my own. That, in an odd way, is why I like being single, as long as there are people chasing me. It's fun to be chased. Almost as fun as being bought stuff and have someone constantly wanting to talk to and hold you.
So, this is a terrible thing to think but it'll probably happen; I'm going to go live with Matt, because god I miss him, but I don't know if I'm going to start dating him again right away.

I'm.. disgusted with myself. I gained six pounds in a week at my friends house. It.. it's scary how easy it was.. it MUST come off QUICKLY.. I don't even have a plan besides FUCK FOOD and RUN, but that shit's happening.

New post so fast!?

Yea, but I had to say something about Andy, I feel the need to defend my sudden break with Matt, and I'm bad at recounting scenes like this too long after they happen.
So, the other night it was really dark and we weren't wearing much, and a car passed by and in the light he saw my scars and started tracing them with his fingers and I pulled his hand away and then buried my face in my hands, and he pulls them away and turns on the light and cups my chin so I have to look into his eyes and he said "Sweetheart, don't be embarrassed about anything with me, not ever, I won't ever judge you. In fact, right now I can't, when I was in high school I used to take my exacto knife and do this," and he traced an X over my heart with his free hand and then just held me..

87

one more pound and I'll be underweight, I have a new boyfriend because I'm going insane again and can't deal with... anything being the same. Matt and I needed to split, we were fighting like hell while I was watching my parents beat the shit out of each other emotionally and physically, and I was getting WAAAAY clicky with this new guy. His name is Andy, I kinda stole him from a friend of mine because fuck it I've been hating life for too long, I'm 18 now and I've decided it's time to take my freedom by force, do whatever the fuck I want and throw whoever tries to take my spot at the top of the world off of the fucking mountain.
Andy, by the way, is a male ME. We.. think the same. First time we hung out alone, we started finishing each others sentences within five hours. He's been stealing me away at night for the past week and half the time we just talk and talk and talk, and then he drops me off and either I call him or he calls me (WHICH FEELS FUCKING AMAZING, matt never wanted to call me) and we keep talking most of the morning
I can't really focus on much, my days are blending because of the weird sleep thing, I'm so focused on him I don't even think about food, he says he forgets to eat a LOT and I understand why, he's such a blast! He's brilliant and impulsive and hot and sweet and funny... I think we both accidentally fasted one day hanging out together.
Life is crazy right now, it's mostly good though I'm losing my parents trust again, I'm going to be out of here soon, Andy knows what's going on and say's I can move in almost as soon as he gets his apartment, and he's picking a place where my birdy will be welcome, just for me. I'm moving too fast I know, but I don't care. I feel something amazing coming up hard and fast and maybe I'm going to knock myself out on the way there if I don't slow down but right now I don't CARE

It's my birthday.

I'm 18.
91.0 lbs
I was 89.5 two days ago.
Couldn't hold onto it.
No self control.
Disgusting.
This new format is weird.
I hope Peri and Honor and Mich and everyone else is doing ok.
I miss you guys..
I also thought I hit publish, but I guess I didn't?

I'm not dead, in case (as unlikely as this is) anyone was wondering. I'm failing two classes, and I've gained weight. I just can't shake this slump, and now I'm sick. I suck. Sorry..

Me & Kuari.

Kuari is a very calming bird, I've been feeling a lot better hanging out and playing with her.

I have a bird.

Pretty sure it's a girl, name's Kuari. She's a cockatiel, 14 weeks old, not completely steady on her feet yet, and it seems like she'd rather fall than dig her nails in, she's too sweet. I'm afraid she's gonna hurt herself.

sleepy birdy

She stuck her head right in my mouth and grabbed a tooth, it took me longer to get her head out than in

I'm sure plenty of you have gone through periods, long or short, of just not caring about interaction with anyone or anything for any reason. I'm not in the mood to seek out any kind of relationship, or maintain anything that anyone else has tried to build with me, with the exception of Matt.

This is probably not healthy, I got so excited thinking it was him when I heard my phone ringing that I actually cried when it turned out to be just an alarm. I mean, sobbing, red faced, pillow-soaking weeping, not just a few tears. Yet, if I'd thought anyone else would be calling, I wouldn't have even checked the phone. I haven't checked facebook in days. I'm not really even sure what I'm doing here, I guess I miss you guys and your understanding. Sorry I'm not very reliable..
Oh, and I've been turning back to the blade lately. I'm not really sure what to do/think about that one. Weird huh? You'd think I'd know what I thought since I'm the one thinking. 

I'd be less pathetic as a corpse.

Yea, that.