Shocked.

Stayed home today cause I got sick over the weekend >.< I didn't let it stop me from having a shit lot of fun though! This weekend was amazing, I felt like I ate a bit too much, but somehow I'm at 89 lbs today, so I'm not gonna stress over that! I ate a big (for me, less than most of the others) breakfast and kinda grazed the rest of the day. Nothing spectacular happened, but I was with Matty all weekend, so it was a super freaking good weekend. I'm just happy. Its a good feeling, I miss him, but I know I'm going to see him again. I'm glad my mom seemed content to accept that I was home safe and not question too much where exactly I'd been all weekend. I hate when she flip flops between overbearing caring and not giving a shit at all, but that's a rant for another time.
Gonna go make some berry soup :)

Blueberry green tea, stevia & frozen mixed berries. Great for a sore throat when you want something sweet.
~Edit~
So glad I checked the mail just now, I got Michs package! I'm so super excited, I'm about to read Underwood now! Oh, and I forgot to mention, I somehow lost my belly ring over the weekend, and the hole closed up. I'm debating on if I should let it heal and get it profesionally done later (after I reach 85lbs) or if I should re-pierce it myself now while it'll be easy. I kinda wanna get something to keep it from scaring and then wait, I never felt like I'd done it well enough and I think the motivation would be good for me.. but I'm still loath to let it go and give up saying 'Yea, I did that myself,' :/ 

I'll be seeing him tomorrow, not sure what my weight is, gonna try and weigh before I get on the bus tomorrow morning. I'm surprisingly calm for not knowing what I weigh, I think I might be numb though, because I'm not particularly excited either. I think I might be kinda scared. I kinda wanna take a lax, wrong? :/ I'm sure I don't weigh low enough.. I'm going to try and get some sleep and not think about it.
I hate that I'm not just super excited like I want to be..

Just cause

"Judo FLI-"  "Nope."

Boom

I have 5 days

Help?
5 days till I see Matt. I want someone else to tell me what to do, I'm at 90.6 lbs this morning, again. I want someone else to tell me what to do.. help? I don't want to be this same weight three times in a row that I've seen him, I feel like such a failure.. should I just not eat at all? Liquid fast? Have x cal and exercise x+200? Right now nothing sounds good, but for 5 days? My longest fast is still 2 days and that was a long time ago.. before Matt, when I didn't have his disapproval to make me feel guilty for it.
I also don't want to end up binging a day or two before I see him because I'm not used to fasting anymore. I would purge, I don't want to purge and taste like puke. Liquids sounds better, more likely to work anyway.. anyone, ideas?
Tell me about a time when you lost more weight than you thought was possible in few days?

I'm a basket case, crazy, mental. I told Matt today I didn't believe he loved me, I'm not sure why I'm not even sure if I believed it when I said it. I'm not sure if I believe it right now. I'm kind of pissed off at him for me eating. I'm pissed off that even when he makes me mad I end up wishing that he were here to hold me. I get mad over the stupidest shit and then get madder when he gets mad back, because of course it's stupid, and of course it's shit, I know that and of course he has ever reason to be angry at me but god damnit I just want to be held! I want to be told to shut up because it's going to be ok and he's going to hold me and he still loves me. If he told me to shut up and followed it with something like that I'd be happy as could be because I'm just that fucking mental. I don't want to let him know how pathetic I am and so I end up getting madder when he tries to figure out what I'm mad about. I don't want him to know how much I just don't even understand it myself half the time and how much I wish he would tell me to shut up because of course he cares when I say I don't feel like he does. He argues and argues with me and I do it too, and we'll both argue till one of us just plain brakes down. I think I might want him to owe me something for being the reason I'm eating, and of course that's stupid, he'd probably think that's stupid if I told him. Sometimes I wish he'd just leave, leave and let me starve to death. But that's stupid too, he's not doing anything to keep me here, it's my choice, I unjustly want him to be responsible for my choice, which he has no reason to even think he has any right to be. I don't know what I want. I want him. I want him to help me, get better? I want him to leave and let me starve if he doesn't give me what I want. I don't want to leave him, I won't.
I think I might be pushing him away and not letting him even guess at why, but I'm also telling him I don't want him to leave, that I want to spend my life with him. The poor boy must be tearing at the seams, but I am too, and I don't know what to do for either of us. So this leaves me at, I won't leave him. I kind of hope he leaves me, but I'll fight to keep him if he tries, because what else am I supposed to do? He's the only reason for me to live, the only reason I want to have to live. Of course I'm going to fight, even if I kind of just want it over with.
Sorry for the rant, I just need to tell someone that won't argue with me.

I stepped on a mouse today.

~~graphic details ahead, proceed at your own risk~~

I'm finally getting over that whole look only at the ground when I'm walking thing, and what do I do? Step on a mouse. That was the most terrible noise I've ever heard in my life. I got a bit sick before I even knew what it was. I jumped back, but the damage was done. It dragged whatever was spilling out of its split skin a little ways, then collapsed, its little legs still kicking. I stared in morbid fascination as it died, I think the emotion part of my brain shut down right there, I was thinking the whole time that I should crush its head to put it out of its misery. In my version to Matt, I said that I had, because it seemed right. I guess it was because he replied "And that's what separated you from psychosis" I don't know what to think of that, so I'm not going to. I had to suppress being sick as I walked away, and I felt pretty bad that I hadn't done anything to help, probably not as bad as I should feel.. I'm not even going to justify this, it was terrible, sick. I don't know what else to say.

I don't have much to say, so here's some cool music.

(this first one is my fav)