I've never before been quite so keenly aware that I'm a twisted, stinking, writhing, raging mass of teen hormones.

I was alternately depressed, enraged and overcome with nostalgia over....



...wait for it...



a children's thanksgiving program.
I was choking back tears for at least 30 of the 45 minutes we were there.
And now my boyfriend is high and can't talk to me. Is it wrong that I feel betrayed by this? It's monday, practically the only night we get to talk to each other, and he went and got high... I'm angry at his friends for taking him away from me more than I am at him for leaving with them, after all, the opportunity to see one particular friend he's with doesn't come often since she's mostly away for collage.
I kinda already hated her though, hes fucked her before, that's good enough reason in my head to be mistrustful and jealous of her, especially since she's known him so much longer and he practically sings her praise when he's not whining like a lost puppy over how she doesn't pay enough attention to him anymore (which don't get me wrong, I totally get, I feel like that over my old bestest-friend-ever who kinda left me behind when she ran off to collage.. but that doesn't mean I have to like hearing him talk about wanting the attention of another girl who I know he has a bit of a past with, even if they never actually dated and blahblah..... I still.. blah).
I want to cry. I almost want to stop talking to him so that maybe he'll whine to someone about ME not paying him enough attention. I hate myself for thinking that, but god damnit I want him to.. want my attention.. as much as he wants hers.. now I am crying.
Fuck my god damn fucking stupid hormonal teenage life.
Sorry everyone. I weight 91 again.

Not quite.

I don't have a whole lot to say but..

I have a new picture, isn't Matty's smile so cute? I love it. That's his shirt I'm wearing with my.. thing.. over it. I miss him.

I have a problem with theft, starting to realize it really is kinda a problem. Met a guy who's 28 and I thought he was more 19-21ish, shocked me. He didn't a whole lot of a problem with my theft, and he was hella fun.
Is it wrong that I totally would have been all over this dude, knowing he's 28? 
Would as in, would if I'd never gotten Matt. I won't lie, I find this guy attractive, personality and physically, but honestly I just.. don't really want anyone else besides Matty. He'd be like, a second choice type deal, and I know I interested him.. heh (that's always fun to know). Still not as bad as my friends 36year old, (she's 18, recently).
My poor baby's been feeling crappy today, I miss him.

Happy b-day Matty

We realized today that his B-day is about halfway between mine, or vice versa. He's 19 now, and I got him a My Little Pony charm for his key ring, Rainbow Dash. She's adorable and he's super excited for the mail to get there hehe I love this boy
In other news;
His crazy ex gf is working at the pizza place he works at now. I'm kinda freaked out about that, he called me almost in tears and said he wished she would just disappear. I don't trust that fucking bitch.. I know she wants him back, but he's mine now.
I know he wouldn't go back to her, I just don't want her there hurting him. I'm almost sure she'll try something and I'm almost sure he'll get hurt, he's such a sensitive sweetheart as much as he plays himself off as a tough guy. I've never wanted to hurt someone with my own hands as much as I want to hurt her, I mean, I've wished some people would off themselves or get hit by a buss, but I want it to be me that hurts this bitch.

And I'm now officially under 90. My last 4 weigh ins have been under 90 :) this is exciting shit, done pretty much without fasting at all (ok, one juice fast last week, hush I've had calories every day). I've decided it would be counter productive to lose control to the thing I use for control, I won't lose the ability to eat and I'll have the will power to stop before it's too much, and the will to push myself to exercise. that's my goal. I'm going to get to 85 with exercise, without fasting.

I'm such a freaking downer, I need to just go off myself. Don't wanna freak anyone out, trust me I'm too much of a coward to actually do what I should and die, so I'm just sitting here, wallowing in my misery. Not really caring to change it, not sure if I could or not, not sure I care or not. Kinda wishing I didn't wish someone else would come help me. Kinda wishing I'd never met Matt, for some reason I feel like he's the reason I'm still here, wishing. 

I'm not really sure we're friends anymore, I'm not sure why we would be, all I ever do is bitch at him and generally be sad. We had a good weekend, yea, but now I'm right back to my old stupid ways. 

God I miss him.. I'm no good away from him. I've never been able to maintain a long distance friendship, I'm far too needy, too selfish, not patient enough. I hate not knowing whats going on and if I can't see it I want to be told every little detail. This is why I try not to get into things, I can never leave well enough alone, I have to go overboard. It's easier for everyone if I just let people drift away and don't try to cling, these things become so messy. My head is so god damn messy..