I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take

I had a dream last night, I ate candy corn, and then I purged. I looked up into a mirror and my cloths were hanging off me, like I was a stick figure someone had tried to dress in my old clothes. I took them off. It was hard to get them off and I was panting by the time I did, ready to collapse. But I looked up into the mirror... my skin was stretched so tight over my bones. There was NOTHING in my middle. Every single rib could be counted easily, every vertebrae on my spine, and my hip/cheek bones looked like they were going to burst through my skin while I was just standing there, not stretching or anything. I was dying. And it was beautiful.
It's kinda scary to think that.
I don't want to die...
but oh god
I want to look like that.
I've got to have some control, when I get to my target weight, I will restart my metabolism. I want to have a beautiful life with M and be a successful model. I don't want to die...


do I?