I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take

I had a dream last night, I ate candy corn, and then I purged. I looked up into a mirror and my cloths were hanging off me, like I was a stick figure someone had tried to dress in my old clothes. I took them off. It was hard to get them off and I was panting by the time I did, ready to collapse. But I looked up into the mirror... my skin was stretched so tight over my bones. There was NOTHING in my middle. Every single rib could be counted easily, every vertebrae on my spine, and my hip/cheek bones looked like they were going to burst through my skin while I was just standing there, not stretching or anything. I was dying. And it was beautiful.
It's kinda scary to think that.
I don't want to die...
but oh god
I want to look like that.
I've got to have some control, when I get to my target weight, I will restart my metabolism. I want to have a beautiful life with M and be a successful model. I don't want to die...


do I?

Packed full of super tips! I'm so bipolar xD Lovin life right now!

Water w/tbsp honey x2
120
Tea w/tbsp honey
65
Bit of coffee with honey (lol I know, but I'm on a honey kick and I got curious and HAD to try it)
80(ish?? Didn't measure the honey I added 'cause I didn't think I would like it and drink it all >.> oopse!)
(I'm not even done with all of this yet, I'm drinking a ton of water to spread it out and I'm bringing some bottles to school, say I ate too much at work today and refuse all snacks)
Total
265

(I think it was Harelyx who said this, I've started rounding up when I'm not sure, I'll add maybe 5-10Cal to what I think it was, love that tip girly!)

I've discovered a love for honey and especially honey water! ^.^ honey is super sweet (works much better than sugar 'cause you don't have to use as much) it's not empty Cal, it has a bunch of good stuff in it (read on the site for more) and one tablespoon is only 60Cal
http://www.benefits-of-honey.com/honey-and-weight-loss.html I found it while trying to decide if I should replace sugar with honey more often.
The best thing I think I got out of it (if you don't have time to read right now, I still suggest you look at this site at some point, it's really really great) is this "Honey is a simple carbohydrate that one can safely take during fasting because it contains easily digested sugars." Honey, I am so in love with you right now <3 ^.^
MIA GIRLS
UMF Manuka, also known as "Medihoney" in some pharmacies, is the preferred honey for wound dressing and other special therapeutic uses and studies are showing Manuka with high levels of UMF could be very effective in helping relieve stomach ulcer symptoms and gastritis, and sore throats, and when applied topically, in assisting the natural cure of skin ulcers, wounds, burns, boils, cracked skin

Balence that out with something to avoid, did not know this about High Fructose Corn Syrup
"HFCS is more processed and it's cheaper than sugar so it's added to more foods. The campaign that's in favor of HFCS says it's OK to eat in moderation, but since it's found in so many foods, it's tough to avoid. HFCS also affects the hunger hormone in your body known as leptin, which creates an increase in your appetite and causes people who eat foods with HFCS to overeat. So the concept of self-control is thrown out the window."
CHECK YOUR JUICES GIRLS, this crap is in most of them!


I just thought this was the sweetest thing ever (besides honey)




And some thinspo vids/songs I've been using



This song makes me think of you girls, you help me through every day. I need you all, I love all of you. Together we'll get through.



THIS IS SOSO CRAZY, I have it on my reverse thinspo page, but I felt it just really needed to be in a post too.
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/10/24/things-that-have-been-found-in-fat-peoples-folds

lol this post got super long, well there's a lot of good stuff packed in it!
So to finish it up, one more site that I'm loveing right now! (pro-ana site)
http://tilt214.tripod.com/index.html

Plateau

I've been reading a lot about people hitting these, I have before too, so I thought I'd do some looking into how to break them.
This guide is for ‘normal’ dieters, it mentions calorie amounts that I think are pretty high, but I think the basic advice in it is good.
http://www.diet-blog.com/06/5_ways_to_break_a_weight_loss_plateau.php
Basicly, switch it up, don't eat the same type of thing every day and try to work out at a different time.
So how I'm putting this to use, I'm thinking if this can break a plateau it can also help prevent one.
 I already do pretty good switching up my food I think, I don’t really have a schedule, sometimes I eat at school, sometimes I eat after, sometimes I eat lunch and sometimes breakfast (never both in one day, god no), and I don't have any sertain thing I eat everyday, sometimes fruit, sometimes veggies, and sometimes other things get added randomly, but I realize I ALWAYS work out at night. So, I’m going to try getting up early instead one or two days a week, and since I’m home today I’ll work out in the middle of the day.

Er, I'll use it after Halloween anyways, since I'm not after weight loss right now as much as stopping that stupid period, I'm going to just eat as little as possible till then, effectively stopping my period by giving my body nothing to build the lining with (the thing that your period is getting rid of is that nutrient lining your body builds up incase you end up with a baby to feed, yay health class! xD).

Edit- I've updated my thinspo page if anyone is interested :)

.

You know as much as I hate it, I realize my period actually helps me not eat. 'Cause I get bloated and since I don't really have a distorted body image, that kinda makes one for a week, I can see the numbers go down on the scale, but look in the mirror and my belly is all pudgy and yuck, so I keep not eating, hoping it will look better tomorrow.
- edit
I messed up the color xD

Almost there

Fainted for the second time yesterday while I was running. I'm almost at 100 though, at 101.6. I had half a packet of oatmeal for breakfast. I know, I know. But it's been about three days since I've eaten and the faint scared me. Thank god no one found me... it was night and I was in the park. I'm going to have half an ear of corn for lunch and the rest of it for dinner with some beans. I think I'm going to start eating about an hour before I run.. or go exersize in the basement if I'm on a fast. Waking up there around midnight seriously freaked me out. Thank god neither of my parents ever notice I'm gone.

Oh yeah, I've got the money and time to get diet pills now, in about two days. Any suggestions?

Down, down we gooo

Just been too damn happy for too damn long. I knew it wouldn't last.
I've been thinking lately, trying so so hard not to, because when I think, it's about these kinds of things;

Everyone I met tells me how beautiful I am.
Amazing dark hair, gorgeous almond-shaped green eyes, cute oval face, and perfect little body.
I want to tell them I'm not. I lie, I make fun of others, I judge and idolize idiots, I hurt myself because I can't be perfect enough for me, I'm manipulative and spiteful and petty.
I'm ugly on the inside.

I also can't stop worrying about M. I've never had a relationship like this, all emotion, I love it, him. He's so stable without losing any spontaneity or any funness. But I'm so scared he's going to get bored, I mean, he's a guy.. I've always been in only physical relationships with guys.
He's so good, too good for me, and I know any day he's going to realize it and walk away.
I'm terrified of losing him. I'm always terrified of being left, but before I've always been able to SEE that they were attracted to me, you can't lie about a boner, all I have is his word. I'm too used to being lied to.

On the up side, all this worry is deff not good for eating. Every cloud has a silver lining right? I just wish my silver lining weren’t so lack luster. It's more of a light gray lining. Yeah, I'm worried, but you know, it's cool 'cause it's furthering this thing that hurts me that I do to myself because I'm an insecure control freak.

>.<

THANK YOU ANA

I don't have audio at work, so no idea what they are saying. But that is just nasty. I go looking for fat people sometimes when I want to eat. I find it's a good deterrent. God what a disgusting person. Helped me eat just a peach this morning.

Thinspiration for the day,

LOVE GIRLS GENERATION
they are all so gorgeous and thiiin

This is Jessica <3


plus they are all really hot when they are dancing


Girls Gen is a group of nine korean girls who dance and sing.
Well, some of them sing.



Point is, they are all hot and really really thin.

omg I wish I could be a dancer T.T


I so can't do it..

But I can resist temptation pretty well :)

Yesterday..
My grandpa decided to surprise me with lunch >.< he brought eggs and potatoes...

I had to nibble some of the white stuff around the eggs while he was watching, but then I threw away about half the potatoes and took the rest to my mom. She is sooo fat it's nasty, it's great living with her though because I see every day what will happen if my will falters. Go mom! xD
I did have my muffin.
Also got offered poptarts at school... the smores kind :( I love smores... I took them and alowed myself to eat half of one. The rest went in my bag and were given to my little brother when I got home.

Also got in about a half hour of running, walking and skipping in the rain last night :) I love when it rains heavy at night, no one else is ever out and I can just do whatever I want and I don't know if they can or not, but it feels like no one can see me. Did some situps and leg lifts in my room till my thighs were burning after that and had a nice warm shower :)