I want to fast right now for the sole purpose of being able to laugh at my mom next time she says I don't care about her money issues and tell her how much she's saved from me not eating, and ask her how much she cares.

 You don't cry on someone shoulder after you've told them they're the scum of the earth.

 You don't make jokes about someone having an eating disorder.

 You don't take their food away from them and tell them not to eat "because I know you'd just go throw it up and you don't need to be taking food away from the rest of us like that"

 Fine then.

 I won't eat your food.

Matt insisted I go to my aunts this weekend because of this, but I plan to fast when I get back anyway.

Someday

Someday I'll be gone, and she'll sit there wondering what happened. she'll wonder why I don't call and feel used and tossed aside and that will be the best revenge I can get. That's how she is, she abuses the shit out of you and then cries when you don't want to talk to her. I knew even when I was little it was best to just sit and take it until it was over, and then to go hide the second she turned her back. I miss that house with the spot I could get into the walls and hide there.. I can't hide now, but someday I'll be gone.. one way or another.
As for now? I missed the buss because I have one pair of pants appropriate for summer school and I wore them yesterday, not like, on pair I think looks good on me, one pair period. Complained out loud about not having anything to wear (that was the big mistake) and they started yelling at me about how I don't care about anything so why should they get me more and that turned into what a fucking freak I am and how little I help them and how stupid I am.. and then they left. I don't have a phone (they shut off the house phone and refuse to get me one) so even if I had someone to call for help (which I don't) I couldn't.
Someday I'll be gone.. I just wish today was that day.

Awww

Matty confessed he loves when I tell him I like the way he kisses, apparently his ex had a problem with how he kisses.. he's slow and sweet.. it's how I imagined my first kiss when I was little, that soft, loving, magical kiss.. didn't end up being my first kiss (which wasn't great), hell, took me I don't know how many tries to find it, but I did with him.

I'm torn between happy (that he's so happy I like the way he kisses) and omfg I want to rip that bitches face off for everything she did to him. If I ever meet her... ooh she better watch it.
Another thing, a friend of his told me she cries now when she hears his name and has been trying to get him back because she misses him. He's fucking mine now bitch. Even when I'm mad at him I've never told him I didn't like him or insulted him. Her? She told him while they were having \sex that she was cheating on him. She broke up with him so many times, she played mind games and fucked with him for THREE YEARS before he finally left her for good.. that's how loyal he is. I don't plan to give that up. Fucking. Mine.
Even when he pisses me off I know I love him.

Light headed & tired rant, sorry if its not making too much sense. I miss him... stupid long distance..

I got the movie

I had a little drink and worked up the courage to ask her, and a guy.. I'm not sure why, I shouldn't have, had a crush on this kid for fucking ever, even though there was like 4 years there where I never talked to him. What the fuck ever. I love my Matty and I'll be flattered and tell him sorry but no if anything happens, not that it will, right? Unless he desperate as fuck >.> I'm not exactly a cool kid here, I'm not even sure why he agreed to come, for old time sake maybe? We were best friends in like 4th grade. He's on the top of the latter and I'm at the bottom.. why is he coming? Bah.. Don't care, done thinking about that.
I'm not in a great mood as you can see, just generally feeling like an idiot and the full feeling doesn't help, even though I know half of whats in my stomach is water and at least a 4th is protein.. I still feel full, you know? It's just not a nice feeling.. I'm gonna spend my money on nail polish and shoes next time I go to the shop, no more food. I should wear jewelry this summer too. Maybe headbands. I need stuff instead of food..

My personal irl thinspo

t 

This is the girl I talked about awhile ago, in night school, the one that kept looking at me that was so skinny and it took me forever to work up the nerve to talk to her. Look at those itty bitty thighs! I feel like such a creeper xD I'm on her fb page every day since I got it..
I don't want to eat today, after looking at these. I'm gonna go walk on the treadmill and read a book till I get to at least 300 cal. I got to 260 yesterday & barely ate, so that felt pretty good. I want to get back to feeling fainty all the time, that floating-on-a-cloud-I-can-do-anything-wow-isn't-the-world-so-pretty feeling. I wanna spend the summer with that  feeling. Mostly I've been eating low fat-high protein cheese and yogurt, I really want to conserve my muscle while I still have a lot of fat so the fat comes off easier..
I really want it off my thighs.. I wish I could get ahold of a leg brace, I read someones confession on tumblr about hating that her therapists made her gain back leg muscle after she wore a brace because her legs looked so skinny and pretty when the muscle was gone..
So all over the place xD sorry, really just wanted to share my irl thinspo, because really, her legs!! Ugh.. I should try to set up a movie or something with her.

This fucking boy..

Fucking love this girl

He's lost six lbs.. 109 pounds now..

Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 17.1 , placing the BMI-for-age below the 1st percentile for boys aged 18 years 7 months. This teen is underweight and should be seen by a healthcare provider for further assessment to determine possible causes of underweight. Me? Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 18.2 , placing the BMI-for-age at the 13th percentile for girls aged 17 years 0 months. This teen has a healthy weight. Fuck you healthy. I'm fasting. I need to be at 87 lbs (for you metrics 39.5 kg) to be under his bmi.

Super awesome amazing carrot cake!!

Now this is real fresh carrot cake!
Cake Dough
• 2 1/2 cups ground carrots
• 1 cup walnuts
• 1/2 cup soaked dates
• 1 cup soaked raisins
• 1 tsp. freshly diced ginger
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp. cardamom
• 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
To get ground carrots, simply place chopped carrots into a food processor or high speed blender until
these become a finely shredded amount of carrots. You could also use carrot juice pulp, but I recommend you add whole shredded carrots because they add some sweetness that might be lost through
juicing. Place the ground carrots in a mixing bowl.
Grind the walnuts to a fine powder in a high speed blender or food processor. Add to the mixing bowl.
Next, blend the soaked dates and 1/2 the soaked raisins to the blender or food processor, along with
the rest of the ingredients and blend until smooth. Add this to the mixing bowl, along with the remainder of the soaked raisins. Mix thoroughly with your hands or a spatula. Form into a cake shape, and top with icing.
Icing
• 1 cup soaked cashews
• Juice of 1/2 a lemon
• Raw honey or stevia to your desired sweetness
• Nut milk to help blend (almond milk, for example)
Blend until smooth, then frost the cake with icing!

I am so in love.. we have so many carrots, I'm making this tomorrow! Will post pic <3
http://curecravingsforever.com.s3.amazonaws.com/DessertsEveryDay.pdf
I got it off this ^

Mulberries

found six trees on the seven min walk from my house to the dollar general <3
I'm seeing my Matty again next month, summer school will be starting.. Matty though, he's my main motivation, I feel like I should at least be thinner than last time when I next see him, which means I have to be under 90 by next time because thats where I was last time I saw him. Two weeks ago.. why does it have to be sooo easy to gain three pounds in a week and so hard to lose the same?
I kinda wanted to fast a few days this week, but I kinda don't now, we have fresh tomato and spinach and berries and yogurt and almond milk and I think I should nibble on those. I'll have a healthy low week and then fast next week. Probably..
Really kinda want to fast today though.. might anyway. 100% fruit juice tube pops <3

Thats probably gonna be my rule when I move out. I think we're planning on moving in with Mattys friends right now. I don't know whats going to happen then, if it even happens, I still feel like there's no way I'm good enough for him.. how could he not meet someone else in College? and I'm not even going to be there.. how could I have a chance to keep his attention on me when he's out meeting new people and living on his own..

Just need to get through this year first..  

What was it my councilor told me before my mom decided it looked bad to have a kid with a therapist?

"Try to focus on one thing at a time."

"Try to focus on something you can control."

Get.

 Thin.

I'm ok I guess

Been kinda.. eh. Gained about three pounds over the weekend, there was plenty of pizza and popcorn, I think at least a pound and a half is water weight. So, this weeks goal is getting that off by drinking a lot and not eating much besides sugar free jello and high protein, fat free, plain yogurt. Maybe some milk or protein powder.

Fast

Friday for sure. Probably Saturday. Maybe Sunday. Anyone else?

I'm back!

Sorry I've been so lazy lately, I mean, all around.. I've been eating too much (800-1300 cal a day) and not exercising nearly enough (net of 700-1000 every day) because I'm rather small my body doesn't burn very many calories on its own (I get estimations from 900-1200, and my metab is slow, so I'm guessing 900ish) so.. thats rather a lot for me.. I'm back today though, with an intake of 452, net 329.

I'm so in love with this loseit app <3 its really helpful keeping track of exactly what I'm eating and knowing my friends can see exactly what I'm eating/burning every day is helpful too, I'm so ashamed of last week and I want to show them thats really not the norm for me.

OMG I KNEW I HAD TAKEN THIS PICTURE

 I thought I'd taken it with my Ipod.. that was why I couldn't find it, its on my comp.

This one is just dorky but he started it and I thought that was cute. 

Sorry for the image flood, I'm not allowed to put these on facebook lol

lol wow at least I'm getting a varied diet? Maybe?

Sixth graders and gayness

Why are there sixth graders asking me if I'm gay? Apparently theres a rumor around this tiny town that I'm gay. I'm so confused on how this even happened?? I never go anywhere/do anything/talk to anyone who lives here. Ok, one kid, but rarely. He doesn't count. Because I said so. But these girls, four of them from different groups, came to ask me if the rumors about me being gay are true. I'm just like, what is this I don't even?!
I said no, 'cause technically I'm not and if it got to my mom she'd kill me. I'm just so confused about how a rumor about me got started at all, I simply don't participate in this town unless forced to, like getting paid to take my bro to the fair today.
I really want cake. Dunno why. Good thing we don't have anything remotely resembling it. *tries not to think about making icing to put on bread* god thats such a fat thought >.> I can't believe I actually used to do that..

http://www.loseit.com/
you should check this site out, it's amazing, especially if you have an Itouch/phone

He's trying to get me to say I'm anorexic but I'm not. I wish I was sometimes, I'm not good enough to be. I barely fast, I'm not underweight, I always go over my cal limit which is set too high in the first place, hell, he saw how much I ate when he was here it's hardly like I'm scared of food.
Sure, I have problems with food, I want to be thin, I try to eat less, but I'm hardly anorexic. EDNOS, probably. Hell, maybe even just dangerous dieting habits. I'm not anorexic. I'm not good enough to be.

ADHD

Yes, I have it. I just saw the Ten Day Challange update tab thing while I was listening to the music on my blog and went -.- shit... I.. ah.. forgot. >.<
But! on may 7th I got my itouch and I've been religiously (except that one weekend with matt, that just would have been too painful) recording my intake and exercise with the Lose It app. Which is amazing. They have a website too http://www.loseit.com/ if you join you should deff add me Strivetostarve@ymail.com is what I'm using.
So, first week I was 32 under my weekly budget (set at 547 a day) next week was 974 under, so far this week I'm about 475 over..... had a bad monday and tuesday.. I avoided the binge last night and had a salad instead, but I put cheese on it which took me right up to my limit.. today I'm going to be right up at my limit too, until I add in exercise, I've mostly been doing situps and bike crunches (which I've been counting as vigorous situps because I know how to figure out what its actually burning xD if anyone has a formula or knows where to find one I will love you forever) because I reallyreallyreally want a lilbita girl abs this summer. I need to get on the treadmill tonight and get down a hundred or two because I really dont want this to be my first week over my budget only like two weeks in.. hell I dont want any weeks over my budget! Tomorrow will have lots of grass mowing exercise and walking with brother at a faire exercise so it should be good.
Oh, I had to push my weigh in back a day too because they needed me at work today so I didnt get any time alone with the scale..
~edit~
Oh, and I didn't binge last night (:

Fuck. You. Binge.

BWAHAHAHA I love this girl. I do that with the treadmill.
I'm trying to resist a binge right now, like, there's cereal downstairs, and I dont even know what my dad is making but the smell is making me dizzy with hunger >.< already had my salad and broccoli and I'm not going down there, not going down there no no no not happening. Fuck off Binge I wanna get under 90!
Weigh in is tomorrow morning and there is no fucking way in hell I'm going to ruin it with a binge. No. Fucking. Way.
I know I'll be so pissed tomorrow if I do, I'll be staring down at the scale like "It could have been lower if you hadn't eaten you fat ass, why the hell did you do that? You're a failure, you have to fast today to make up for it. Stupiduglyfatpatheticfailureloseridiotstupidfatpatheticuglyfalureloseridiot ect. that mantra that gets going in my head when I do something stupid like eat something I shouldn't have or skip a workout or something. Sometimes there are more words, sometimes less, but thats the basic one.
I'm gonna go take a shower or something.

Pics

These ^ were taken with my Ipod in Forest Park (lol, we've told a few times we looked like brother and sister, do you think so? xD faux incest!) when we waz cuddlin & bein silly in the sun right before he left.
Side note I hate my chin in every pic after the first >.> I used to have like a triple so.. it's not as bad as it used to be.. always hated that though.. blah
And heres my art picture thing, artists choice award means the professorial artists at the faire voted on it a lot lol ^.^ I'm gonna try and get peoples choice next year, artist choice = raw talent, peoples choice = more money making potential or so I've heard it explained.

(shhh, don't tell, but one of the shoes isn't finished xD)

Weight news
90.6 O.o HOW?! Barely half a pound after all that shit?! I guess since I was cold a lot and we walked a lot and maybe the exercises I did in my room at night burned more than I thought? I don't even know, I don't even care, I'm so happy so I'm going to low cal/high nutrient (cabbage and spinach are high on my to eat list right now, have you looked at the nutrition profiles on those things and like around 15-20 cal a cup?? Add some tomato sauce and spices and its awesome, you can even afford to add some cheese or meat sometimes) and I plan to be under 90 by this weekend! I can't wait! 

Miss him already

Just dropped him off on the train.. I wish I could have gone with him. When he first got here we pretty much just spent the first few hours cuddling at the park, then went to a small family get together and slept through that, we watched starwars and had sex (fun combination, no I'm serious, but I'm not going into detail) and then we went to the renisance faire saturday, it was all cold and rainy and stuff so we pretty much just ate and huddled in various booths. It was also rainy and cold sunday, when we went to art on the square, I won an Artists Choice award though! $50!! I'm seriously thrilled about that. Today it was  nice and warm, we walked around the zoo and cuddled in forest park and then took him to his train station and now here I am, wishing I'd been able to go with him.
In other news;
I was at 90 flat on friday morning.. I'm a little scared to weigh tomorrow.. I'm probably going to be fasting a few days this week, probably just eat salad and oranges till they're gone & then fast, we've got a lot of those right now.
I'll put up the pictures I took either later tonight or tomorrow, and the ones he took whenever he sends them to me, he has the picture of my drawing because his cam is better, so, whenever I get that I'll put it up.

Art on the Square

I have a piece going into Art on the Square in IL this weekend~! I'm so excited I don't even care that I'm revealing about where I live xD Hell if anyone reading this lives around here and is going this weekend you should email me at Strivetostarve@ymail.com and we could meet!

Bah

was sick today and mom stayed home and made me eat, thankfully I was able to purge almost everything and blame it on the sickness. Still, not at all how I wanted today to go. Tomorrow will be better. I'm feeling much better and I intend to fast.
(Still wanna hear some fasting tips from you lovelys!)

I need to go to the store and get more Popsicle molds! These tea pops are going to be disappearing quick during this fast since its so warm now! Did not fast the last two days, almost did on my birthday, not at all today though. Mom was in a REALLY good mood which meant we all had to eat together.. every meal.. isn't that funny? She's angry and it's so easy to fast, she's happy and she makes it so hard to even eat healthy. Why can't there ever be a happy medium? Oh well, I'll just have to keep trying for a happy small lol

In other news
Matt will be here in FIVE DAYS O.o omgomgomg
I kinda wish I could say I was torn, because I know he wants me to eat healthy, but I'm not. I am feeling guilty that I'm not, all I want to do is fast and be so teeny tiny and pretty for him because as much as he tells me he just wants me to be healthy I remember him telling me he loved really small girls, both short & skinny, before he knew about any of this. I've got the short part down, so now I just need to be skinnier, I know he'll be happy with how I look when I am.
If he's not... well.. there I am torn >.>














Sorry for the barrage of mini posts the last couple of days btw xD Thank you all for commenting, you are all so amazing!

Tell me how you fast! What do you do to pass the time? Any 'light' versions of exercise you do? Your favorite low/0cal drink!
 (besides plain water :p)     

I got the app Lose It! for my Ipod, I also got igoalinformer, but I think I like Lose It more

Might even fast today

So, my mom pretty much snapped, she went crazy this morning, and its 1 now and she's still pissed off, we missed breakfast, obviously, the planned pot roast dinner didn't get put on and she's looking like she's going to yell all through lunch. I'm hungry. I never expected to be hungry on my birthday. She told me she's happy she's ruining my birthday so I cowered and looked upset, but honestly I'm so fucking happy that I'm hungry instead of stuffed like I thought I'd be.

Ihop

THEY WANT TO TAKE ME TO IHOP FOR BREAKFAST HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PLACES MENU?!?! Oh fucking god, I'm going to be purging today, I already know it. I hate this, hate this, hate this so much... and a fucking thunder clap woke me up too damn early..

After tomorrow, er, today?

Tomorrow, today? I'm sticking with, try to eat as little as possible, but I doubt I'll manage under 1000.. they want to take me to Ihop and 'treat me' as in, I'm not allowed to get a salad. I'm going to restrict the next day though, and starting monday I will 0cal fast until thursday, when I probably will to break it to mow lawns. I'll keep my metabolism moving with short bursts of exercise every, say, two hours? Alarm on Itouch ftw, no forgetting. If I'm in the middle of a warcraft dungeon, too fucking bad, drop to the floor and do 20 fat ass.

I NEED TO BE UNDERWEIGHT FOR MATT

Not that he agrees, but I need it, you know?

I'm at 92 now.. I've been going up again. I need to lose at least four pounds in this next week, if I stay at 92 after my bday, if I go up, I just have to lose more. I can't wait for my Itouch, which I should get tomorrow, it's like a notebook with a password <3
Wow, I remember being so thrilled when I hit 92 right before I went to visit Matt, now I'm sick that I'm at that number. Well, I barely made it last time when I thought I wouldn't, maybe I can do it again.
Always last fucking minute aren't I?
I wish I could get an Iphone.. but my mother and fucking contracts >.>
I hate this! I'm so close, but I feel like not underweight = overweight for me. Why do I have to feel like this for me and not for anyone else? I have fat friends that I think are gorgeous, but me? No. Fucking. Way.

I will do it.

I'm starting to wonder if I should take up smoking.

I'm going to try weed with Matt next weekend, he promised to keep me from binging.

What happened?

I'm such a fat ass! I binged last night and I'm up to 92. God I feel like such a failure, such a fucking failure. I could have made it to underweight by my birthday if I'd tried harder, I didn't, I drank high calorie liquids and THEN fucking binged too. And my birthday is in two days.. fucking.. two days.. nothing until birthday. I'm going to try my damnedest to eat as little and as healthy as possible on my b-day. I guess it'll just have to be my first -hide food while people are around- mission. I'm scared to do that because I'm scared I'll get caught. Like a book I read where the girl got caught with peas in her shoe. How silly would that look? Cake in my shoe? /sigh
Want birthday over. Want Matty. I want to be as far underweight as I can get by the time he gets here.. is it sick that I want him to be worried? I almost want to faint while he's there, just while I'm with him.. I feel like I have to prove that I'm fucked up >.> I think thats more fucked up than I am.

This just in

Vitamin water zero and SoBe All Natural LifeWater 0 both use stevia as their sweetner! I'm gonna start buying more of these. Especially SoBe. I love SoBe so much.

Also, I've just drunk so much sweet&low lemon aid that my stomach hurts, and yet I'm still thirsty, what is this?

One more thing http://twitter.com/#!/StrivetoStarve anyone have a twitter?

Dinner

fasted until they decided we were going out to dinner somewhere I couldn't get a salad and I was going to share a desert with them. Fine, I did. Then I came home and used laxatives. I've decided I'm including milk in my 'fast' partially for the protein, partially because I'm in love with these japanese inspired oolong & milk tea pops I made. Just oolong tea, milk and sweet&low poured in those popsicle molds you can get anywhere. (fruit juice with green tea & stevia is also good)

Like these.

Also partially because my parents have been questioning why we have so much milk when I 'eat' (feed to the dog or chew&spit) so much cereal. So thank god my mom will only buy skim milk.
I'm going to do this until my birthday at lease, four days, including today. After, I think I'll do this again (maybe include yogurt? we got 2x protein yogurt on sale, half a container a day would be ok) until matty comes down. No excuses, I'm at home all day babysitting now. "Not hungry, I ate already"

I fell on the treadmill today. No, I didn't faint. My god damn ankle gave out or some shit. Got several patches of skin scraped off from the moving part (the tread? xD dunno what to call it), because I was trying to keep my computer from falling more than I was trying to keep myself from getting hurt >.> in the heat of the moment who do I save? My computer of course. I'm really hoping my leg doesn't bruise up too bad.