I'm back 'home'

Well, I was back thursday night, but I just passed out, and I was in a bit of a slump yesterday. I feel like I've left home instead of coming back to it.. 
Matty was so cute, I told him that and he said "That's because you left your heart with me" <3 completely true.  
I'm also tired as fuck because I couldn't sleep last night, missed sleeping next to him too much.. 
So, Chicago was fun, I met a cousin I haven't seen in forever, I want to be just like her (only thinner) she lives in Chicago next to the beach with her boyfriend and goes to college for art. She does advertising, shes not even out of college yet and she already does it, shes working with the lady who started Evil Kitty, a clothing line. So cool. 
I didn't get to met any of Mattys friends, they all really suck, they've blown him off so many times that he's not sure anymore if their excuses are legit, I was at least supposed to meet one, but at the last minute she was grounded. Maybe. >.> 
The game thing was resolved, he got me to try it, Starcraft if anyone was wondering, I think Peri asked. I'm going to try and get my parents to buy it, its not actually all that bad. Though it would probably be more fun if I were as good as him, I'll try to get there, and then we could 2v2 together! Yay for geek game dates, destroying humans is fun! (We both prefer being one of the alien races xD) geek moment over, on to girly. 
He took me to the BIGGEST MALL EVER <3 it was so much fun, we spent hours there and still didn't see the whole thing, their freaking forever21 was almost as big as the mall where I live!! 
I didn't get high. Was gonna do robo, I've done that once before, so he gave me a standard dose, I told him I would need more but he said no since I hadn't done much. I've got a bit of a tolerance to cough/cold medicines. I was allowed to dose myself when I was sick for as long as I can remember, and by the time I realized what a dose was, I was already taking about twice that to make it work, which means I need a bit more to get its.. fun effects.. meh, I still had fun. 
We watched Sweeney Todd and Repo! The Genetic Opera. If you're a fan of morbid comedy, I strongly recommend you watch both of those. They're amazing.  
I'll put in pictures later, too tired... (holy crap it took me all day to write this, started this morning.. now its midnight..) 
And finally, a bit of bad news. 


~~TMI WARNING






I got a urinary tract infection from.. something matty did..  er... 
>.> I'm super embarrassed, not even sure why exactly, not like I couldnt say 'I dunno how I got it hurr =D'...
not going to tell anyone else, only told him so I could tell him not to do that again.. been drinking a butt load of cranberry & blueberry juice and eating pineapple (those are supposed to help). At least my fear of telling anyone and/or getting medical help is helping me eat healthier. 

hehe

what prompted this, I called to ask why my texts wern't answered (I knew though, he was playing that game) and he told me what I expected to here and I said  'ah, ok, that's fine I won't bother you, have fun babe' and hung up. Totally fine tone and everything, no attack (since that sometimes is wondered about converting voice to text).

Matty  says (5:56 PM)
hi
you hung up
or somethin
Lynn  says (5:56 PM)
I told you it's fine, besides I've decided I need another shower
Matty  says (5:56 PM)
oh
well yea but maybe i wanted to talk
Lynn  says (5:57 PM)
talk about what?
Matty  says (5:57 PM)
bout nothin in particular
Lynn  says (5:57 PM)
lol
Matty   says (5:57 PM)
have we switched genders?

I've got issues...

So.. Matt has a new game and.. I'm having issues with this.. it makes me uncomfortable and slightly angry when he mentions it and I've been getting annoyed very easily while he's playing it. I'd like to lie and say I'm not sure why, but I think I have an idea.. and I feel incredibly stupid for this, but here's what it is. I've come to think of world of warcraft as 'our game' we play it together and talk about it and its really the only thing we regularly do together, I feel like I'm spending time with him when we're goofing around in-game, I like this. This new game? It's replaced world of warcraft, he said he was getting bored with the game and was tired of paying for it, so now he has this new game that I can't play with him on, I've never played and so know nothing about, so I can't talk to him about it, states, lore, glitches, favorite this or disliked that. As this game has replaced 'our game' it's taken away 'our time' and taken away one of the few major things I have to talk to him about. One of the only good things I have to talk to him about.
So, this all going on in my head, but what it boils down to?
I'm seriously getting angry/jealous/bitchy.. about a damn game.
I've got issues.

Speak of the devil, he texted me while he was writing this with some news that cheered me up a bit. I'm gonna steal Michs thing here, he got some vitamins* for me :) I've not been on a good trip in far too long. Hopefully I'll be able to get some to bring home too, that might help with things and stuff..

I don't advocate, but when your own thinking is bad for your health, how much can something that takes you out of your mind for a bit really hurt? 

Goin to Chicago!!

I was so sure I wasn't going to go, Matt told me I needed to ask this time >.> 

So as great as this is, there's been so much stress, I haven't exactly been the best dieter, best I could do was not binge & now I'm at 92lbs.. and now I'm going to be so stressed about that >.< I wish my family was the type that could get everything sorted out and planned ahead of time.. coulda saved $30 on the train tickets if I'd been able to buy them just yesterday.. and if we'd had this planned a week ago I might have been able to break 90 again.. 

I do not want to be above 90 right now, not at all.. I don't know what to do about it though, 3 pounds in two days.. I could do it fasting & exercising but I don't want to bloat up like a fucking blimp in front of Matt and his friends and that's what'll happen if I eat after I've fasted, and I hurt my knee up doing too many jumping jacks >.< 

I'm going to go worry myself sick over this now, and feel guilty for not being completely focused on the fact that I'm going to Chicago. Maybe I can at least get to 90? 

I need to be very disciplined these next two days. 

Want.

I hate being right..

Legitimately. I'm a negative thinker, pessimist I guess, so usually when I'm right about something, one of the worst case scenarios happened. I really fucking hate being right...
I'm gonna go look at thinspo and read blogs and trigger the fuck out of myself to hopefully get it through to my brain that healthy doesn't cut it, its not going to get me to what I want.

wow

I need to learn to make friends.. be personable.. I've pretty much been able to make ONE friend irl, anyone else I've called a friend, she introduced me to, and they are more like acquaintances, they don't do shit for me, they don't talk to me unless they have to and don't give a shit about me. They proved that tonight. I hardly even want to talk about it, the issue sounds so petty, but the heart of it that I'm so upset about is that I wasn't supposed to be alone tonight, but I'm going to be. No different than any other night really except I'm not supposed to be alone!
I even met Matt online. What the hell is it about me in person that so turns people off from me?
Even she seems like she's gone now, her boyfriend replaced me, she's off to college, I'm just some old friend to her now. Nothing exciting here, no reason to talk to me, she has new exciting people to discover and places to explore..
I'm kinda terrified that when I move in with Matt he'll see whatever it is that makes people not want me around and wish he'd never been in that chat room on Mizahar where we met..
He did something incredibly sweet though, I was texting him and on top of that shit I was getting upset because he's not going to be home tonight to talk to me and I was kinda starting to snap at him because I'm just that fucking stupid and he just called me at work and said 'Baby, tell me whats going on' and actually talked to me for a few minutes, I don't know, maybe it doesn't seem like much, but.. I needed so badly for someone to prove they really cared and that was so unexpected and so sweet when I was provoking him because I'm such a selfish bitch and I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me, how do I deserve him?
God what will I do if he ever leaves me? I've never felt so dependent on someone.. It scares me so much.. I almost wish he wasn't like this, just so I wouldn't be let down, I just know I will be, how can someone be so.. so.. wonderful..? It's not possible.. it's not possible he loves me, there has to be someone else that's perfect, that's the only way he could put up with angsty, whiny, stupid, nasty me.
And my sleeping pill isn't going to let me stay awake any onger, thank the heavens
one more thng though, I can't forget my beautiful, wonderful Perfect Oxymoron who also listened to me whine and bitch and has been there for me all night, oh how I wish I could be closer to her, though lord knows though that thing that chases people away might get to her too.. maybe it's best I am where I am.. I couldn't stand to lose her either..
goodnight my lovelies

fuck fat

First of all, idea, gonna join a weight lifting class next year for PE (which is required where I live) I do much better when I'm being pushed. If its not what I expected I can always drop it and do a reg one over the summer.
Now, the big thing;
I got told today I 'have a little bit of a belly, which is good, woman should have some fat, its not natural for them to be super skinny'

 I'm a hipster at heart, I think

 Healthy is too mainstream

one of my favorite pictures ever, and the reason I wish I had blond hair, because if I did I'd make it white

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(.(....(....(..../.)..)            gtfo healthy
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Hi

 So, weekend with Matty, * ended a few days ago but I kept sitting down and not being able to get past that little star mark thingie.. anyway, it was pretty great. I love my boy to death. Friday I hit 89.7, barely, but I made it. I was kinda hoping to maintain that because he doesn't make me eat if I don't want to, but the problem is I know he won't make me but that he wants me to and then I feel guilty so I eat.
92 is where I was at the day I got back, 91.4 this morning.

only full body picture of him, and yes that's me next to him

http://www.teavana.com/ if you're a tea enthusiast, you simply must visit this place. Its expensive, but what better to spend your money on than delicious, healthy, low calorie teas? I got a White Chai and a Maté.
The Maté is awesome because

• Works as an appetite supressant
• 100% of the caffeine in a cup of coffee

It was a gorgeous store. 

I have more stuff on my mind, but it's all kinda jumbled and I don't want to try to sort it out because I'm kinda sick. Basically, been fighting with mom & got an issue with a 'friend'

I'm sorry

I keep getting on here and reading blogs, but I don't know what to say to anyone.
Just here to say I still love you guys & have not been shipped off anywhere.

I'm feeling terrible and I don't really know why or whats wrong but I'm scared to see Matt tomorrow because I'm afraid I won't be the me he knows, I mean, he's heard about me losing it online, but he's never seen it. Please let me be happy tomorrow.. I'm so worried I'm actually feeling sick. 

90.4

Always fun hanging out with people you havent seen since 14 pounds ago. Actually cheered me up quite a bit, him talking about how little I was and saying it was cute. I weighed in at 90.4 this morning. Was not expecting it, but cool. Ate a bit much today, friends party, meat and cake, less than everyone else at least.. will have to eat tomorrow because will be with friends pretty much all day... will try to mostly drink low-zero-cal stuff, intake illusion ftw.
Another fun thing, I did a backbend in my swimsuit and everyone freaked out so much like "OMG YOUR WHOLE RIB CAGE IS SHOWING" =D now it needs to do that when I'm standing up, and I want my belly gone, sunk in, nonexistent. Thighs too, need to vanish.
4th of july can fuck off >.> I need to break the 90s before thursday (4 days), I need to be under what I was last time Matt saw me. That's like, my biggest motivation ever, as any longtime reader knows lol its the one goal I manage without fail. So, 88 here I come. Will be exercising my butt off after school. Need to make more sugar free popsicles, they're so wonderful.
Good luck everyone, and special loves to commenters on my last post.. I really can't wait to get out of here. One more year. Moving on.

What do you do when your mother wants you to die?
If you're me, nothing. I stared at her, and she sneered at me, I don't care she says, she came home screaming but I don't care. Anyone with a heart would have said something by now, I have no emotions. Dead. I'm dead, and why shouldn't I be? Worthless thing that I am.
I'm not sure where her voice stopped and mine started, is it mine? Is it still her in my head, does she make me think these things or is it that some part of me knows its true? Every word she says to me, sometimes I wonder if its really her saying it, sometimes my own voice drowns her out. I wish it would go back to what it used to be, my voice used to take me away to lands with knights and faeries and fanciful creatures waiting to greet me and make me happy but now it tells me she's right, I'm not worth it. I can't find that magial land again because I'm not innocent anymore. I hurt her, I want her to hurt, so I deserve to be hurt. I don't care, and why should I? Worthless thing that I am. I should be hurt, but I don't care, so how do you hurt someone that doesn't care?
You starve them.

Food stamps.

Did I mention already that my mom applied for food stamps? I don't remember, the only person I told irl was Matt.
Anyway she had her interview, and apparently she started crying and the lady said something like 'don't cry, everyone needs help sometimes, it'll get better when you get the help you need' and mom latched onto that 'when' instead of 'if' and is sure she's gonna get it now.
I'm still not really sure what to think of this, on one hand, there's going to be more food in the house, but on the other, I'm going to be able to buy blueberries and not have to steal the fancy low-cal cheese and things they used to always say were too expensive. Also, her mood is so tied into money if she gets this thing it should boost her mood for awhile so I'm kinda thinking I hope she gets it just for that but on the other hand I don't think she deserves it.. but she does deserve to gain weight and this might do that as long as I manage to stay away from the shit I know she's going to end up buying. I did well this week with the cheesecake, I nibbled a little bit of the crust and plucked a few strawberry bits from the top but that was it.
Yesterday was.. really.. bad. Three doughnuts at school, came home and had some chocolate covered nuts, coconut macaroons, and the higher calorie popsicles.. had a salad too but that hardly did me much good with all those other calories floating around, I thought I was going to mow the yards yesterday and so I'd burn off the doughnuts and not eat anything else but that fell to shit when my aunt said it was way too hot and I should stay inside and do it tomorrow (now today). So today I'm going to mow the yards and just drink.
I have a shit ton of drink mixes. I should show you guys, it really is impressive.

Crystal light pure- Grape
Archer Farms Simply Balanced (Target brand)- Açai Punch, Blackberry Blueberry and Apple Pear
Sugar Free Hawaiian Punch- Berry Blue Typhoon and Lemon Berry Squeeze
Clover Valley (dollar general brand)- Cherry Pomegranate
Market Pantry- Tangerine Strawberry
Lipton- Energize To Go Blueberry Pomegranate and Green Tea Mandarin & Mango
FRS Healthy Energy- orange
FlavorAid - random assortment
Ton of Tea
And finally, my truvia box which really holds all of my sweeteners because I grab a handful whenever I go to a restaurant.

First of all, I'd like to say I was complete idiot last post and my melodramatic -we might break up- post was unfounded because after a little while (not even an hour) he texted me saying he went for a drive and calmed down, he loves me and was I ok enough to talk? I said yes of course, and after a tense hour he admitted an aversion to apology because his crazybitchex used to yell at him when he did and say he didn't know why he was apologizing, so he stopped. I promised I'd never do that because I know I get hurt way too easy and for stupid reasons and I really just want to know he's sorry he hurt me for whatever reason because most of the time the why really doesn't matter, and if it does I promised to just say that I want to talk about it instead of going crazy and yelling at him like she did. So, we're ok, for now. I guess I'll post if he mades good on that next time the opportunity comes up. I hope he does.
Related; Our one year is next month!! We had a small debate on the day, he was saying the day we met face to face (july 23) because he says he fell for me that day, I was saying the day we actually started dating which was a few days later (july 27), we finally decided on July 24th because that was the night he said 'I love you' and I said it back, or it might have been the morning of the 25th but, eh. Details.
Unrelated; MYBEANBAGISHEREANDINMYROOMANDI'MONITANDITOOKAFAILPICTURELOOOOK!!!!!!

xD I showed that to matt and he was like '...youre a dork' xD
I'm waiting for him to get home from work now to get a picture so you can see the whole bag with me on it, it's freaking huge and that picture, while it does a good job of showing how happy I am about it, just doesn't do the size justice (and my camera doesn't do delayed picture taking).
Here it is!

Totally sleeping on this tonight.

Beginning of the end?

I fought with Matt today. Sourta. It wasn't really either of our faults, but the ending to all our fights so far no matter what is I cave and scramble to kiss up and say sorrysorrysorryhowcanImakeitbetter? And then feel shitty and pathetic or I ask him five times to say sorry and feel shitty and pathetic. I'm tired of it. So, I didn't do it. I sat and watched the angry and then hurt words pop up. It's the hurt that usually gets to me, but I'm tired of being pathetic. So I sat and watched. Then finally he asked why I wasn't saying anything, well actually he said 'An apology or even 'sorry you feel that way' would have been nice' and I explained that I'm not going to say sorry first now. I'm tired of it.
I didn't tell him how much it hurts.
So he gave a snippy 'I'm sorry for being a prick, even though it wasn't unprovoked. I'm going to bed'
I wanted to say sorry, that whole time but I don't want to be pathetic. I'm tired of it. I don't want to just get over it either, I want him to understand.. how do I make him understand? If I can't.. this is going to be the beginning of the end of us.

Comment responses
Kim; Tell me how your popsicles turned out, I wanna hear.

Hope; It took me about a year to get down from 30something% to 12.72%

Aly; Nope, I'm in the US, we have virgin mobile too.

Body fat %

I mentioned that in my last post, said last time I used the calculator it came up around 30%, which is bad. I decided to try it again because Kes asked what I used and... O.o


Waist size at narrowest point: 23 inches
Waist size at your navel: 26.5 inches
Hip size at widest point: 30 inches
Neck at narrowest point: 11.4 inches
Select your height: 5'
What is your weight?  92 lbs
12.72%
"You could have an eating disorder if you are under 10%" it says. Well damn, I gotta kick it into gear.
http://www.healthstatus.com/cgi-bin/calc/calculator.cgi
I keep forgetting I'm technically not fat. Matt says if I can't feel it I should at least look at the technical side of it, the medical side. Ok, so in that case, technically I'm not overweight, but technically I'm not underweight (hush if you disagree, I like my site, it makes me work harder) either and that's what I want.
Is it fucked up that this made my day instantly better? I feel like I'll be able to sleep well tonight, I hope you all find better results than you expect! Good luck to you all and I love you all

I wanna send a special *hug* to NeoHippy because she doesn't have a blog for me to comment on! You're so right lovely, tomorrow will be better because we will make it better! Tomorrow we're going to seize the day! We're going to tell that day, "Day, you're going to be a damn good day because I damn well say so!" and its going to shake in whatever a day wears and say "Yes Maam" and it is going to be the best day we ever saw.
See? That's what happens when you don't have a blog to contact you on, all the weird stuff that came into my head when I read your comment had to come out here instead.

Now I just need to find matts hoodie and I'll be able to sleep..

I spent nearly an hour staring at the chocolate that was on sale at target, walking away and coming back and staring more, a bucket of vanilla ice cream truffle bars, an assortment of fruit covered in chocolate, ghirardelli bags and more. I bought one 'goodlife' 40% coco bar with flax seed, nuts and fiber. Of course I ate the whole thing right away too. Then my friend took me to subway and bought me chips, and a cookie.
I'm not in the greatest mood.
Thank you everyone for your comments on my last post. I know I'm not medically fat, but I still have too much fat. I've got like 30something% bodyfat, so while I'm on the lower end of bmi, I'm on the higher end of this chart.  Fuck.
Essential: 12%-15%
Athletes: 16%-19%
Fit/Lean: 20%-24%
Average: 25%-28%
Overfat: 29%-32%
Obese: 33% plus

I love you guys

Thank you everyone who commented on my last two posts, I know I've been a terrible commenter but I'm going around now!
Being at my aunts house was a great attitude booster, though I don't want to step on the scale till after my fast (starting tomorrow), I am feeling better. More loved and what not. My grandma gave me clothes, and fishnet of all things! xD

As anyone who remembers my last leg photo can see, I haven't made any progress, the tops of my thighs are still nasty as fuck, at least they aren't completely smooshed together though.. right? >.>

I'm getting a giant bean bag finally! I picked it out with my aunt, a 6 footer, sky blue. $147 from overstock.com. 

Had sushi this weekend for one dinner and homemade waffles for breaky and some milk, ( somehow managed to skip lunch both days) and too much chocolate... also had an a shit ton of tea and my truvia lemonaid, if only I hadn't had that milk I could say I didn't drink any calories.. usually I don't. 

And finally, I've got a phone again! If anyone wants to text me at all email me at Strivetostarve@ymail.com and I will send you my number or send me your number and I'll text you! I have Virgin Mobile if that affects anyone. 

Can't wait to hear from my girls (or guys) love you all!! <3<3

I want to fast right now for the sole purpose of being able to laugh at my mom next time she says I don't care about her money issues and tell her how much she's saved from me not eating, and ask her how much she cares.

 You don't cry on someone shoulder after you've told them they're the scum of the earth.

 You don't make jokes about someone having an eating disorder.

 You don't take their food away from them and tell them not to eat "because I know you'd just go throw it up and you don't need to be taking food away from the rest of us like that"

 Fine then.

 I won't eat your food.

Matt insisted I go to my aunts this weekend because of this, but I plan to fast when I get back anyway.

Someday

Someday I'll be gone, and she'll sit there wondering what happened. she'll wonder why I don't call and feel used and tossed aside and that will be the best revenge I can get. That's how she is, she abuses the shit out of you and then cries when you don't want to talk to her. I knew even when I was little it was best to just sit and take it until it was over, and then to go hide the second she turned her back. I miss that house with the spot I could get into the walls and hide there.. I can't hide now, but someday I'll be gone.. one way or another.
As for now? I missed the buss because I have one pair of pants appropriate for summer school and I wore them yesterday, not like, on pair I think looks good on me, one pair period. Complained out loud about not having anything to wear (that was the big mistake) and they started yelling at me about how I don't care about anything so why should they get me more and that turned into what a fucking freak I am and how little I help them and how stupid I am.. and then they left. I don't have a phone (they shut off the house phone and refuse to get me one) so even if I had someone to call for help (which I don't) I couldn't.
Someday I'll be gone.. I just wish today was that day.