Back up to 100 pounds this morning. So what do I do? have a fucking slice of cake. I'm babysitting my sick brother, I did just a little exercise, some friends are coming over, I can't flush... I'll try not to eat more... ugh I'm so pathetic. Why do I get stuck at every goal I reach for like a month?
I can't do that this time! I HAVE GOT TO GET TO 90!!!
I can have 50 calories with my friends, not till after one o'clock, and that's all for today.
I'll drink my tea and my and only use no Cal sweetener.
Tomorrow I fast, real fast, tea, crystal light and water.
No Cal sweetener only.
No honey for this fatty, I don't deserve it.
And I'll be doing my flush, ugh I wanna do it today still... but I'm not going to have time now..
Have to go take a shower.
Yeah. Greedy, gluttonous, fatface, that I am.
Ganna go boil and scrub my skin off now, I wish I could scrub fat off.
think I might actually try this xD yay for pumpkin!
Had a binge/purge on cereal.. then worked out a ton, I feel so dead, physically from working out, but emotionally too.. why don't I feel anything more than annoyance at myself for letting it get that far? And annoyance that I only feel annoyed... what? I don't understand how I work sometimes..
Anywho, I got some little kid vitamins xD they're not as strong (hoping that means they'll be easier to take when I'm fasting) and they're in gummy form! lol so I feel like I'm eating candy.
Just can't figure out why the cherrys are purple and the pineapples are blue... the rest are the right color! xD
I was going to start fasting today, but then the b/p... and then i had some beans, I'll have a salad (already measured out and under 80 cal) for dinner and fast tomorrow. Doing a salt water flush on thursday with Perfect Oxymoron can't wait!
Matty and I have been talking about college, it's a year away for him, two for me (god I'm too young, too young and too old all at the same time..)
I don't have any worries about it right now, but I'm still in that no emotion zone, nothing good, and nothing bad. *shrug*
I'll have to reanalyze this college thing when I can feel again.
http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/lick-hobo.html#comment-form
Check it out!
The idea is for us all to meet, in real time, in a private chat room! And after that we'll have our own private chat room for anyone to pop in whenever (why has no one else ever thought of this? I love it!) She has the link on this post, make an account on the site she made the chat room, leave her your username as a comment, then figure out what time you need to drop in so you can say hi! =D
Harley well at 98 my bmi is only 19 :/ kinda sucks being a shorty. I intend to get my bmi down to 16 so I got a bit to go lol
Honor we've all got some weird habits huh? Dunno why I do it though, food was never really short around here.. and with parents rarely around I've always just been able to eat whatever I wanted. *shrug* who knows
This is my new favorite song. I swear I can't stop singing it xD
I wasn't going to post today, but.. Have you ever had a binge composed mostly of fruits and veggies? I just did. There was a hint of chocolate, but really, one mini twix bar and a mini cookies&cream bar, the rest was tomatoes, strawberrys, carrots and grapes. Weirdest thing ever... I think I should feel guilty about blowing my diet, but.. I blew it on fruit and veggies. xD I don't even know. I'll try again during the week. Also, I usually am not hungry in the morning, but I woke up really early (about 4:20) and I was starving by 6 >.< and I'm going to have to start getting up early because Matt gets up at 1 and I want to talk to him in the morning. I hope this fixes itself when I adjust to my new schedule. I'll try filling myself up with liquid tomorrow. Still looking for texters! Oh yeah apparently the internet on my phone doesn't work at my house, or my friends house, or the park. :/ Goodnight lovelys!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Marie xD sorry 'bout that, you just seem like the kind of nice person that doesn't like to hurt people, and well.. I've been known to corrupt with my 'advice' :p
BrooklynnI guess I probably am depressed, it's just so weird to think 'I'm depressed' and not be angry/upset/sad at all.
Mich I have the hording thing too xD my room has at least 4000 calories worth of food in it at any one time >.< I always think 'well I'll give it to someone so it doesn't go to waste' or 'I'll just eat a little over time'
I want to be
I will be, beautiful
charming
confident
individual graceful
lovely
strong
successful
Sorry for being depressing, I'm usually a little better at resisting that urge xD
I'm starting my new diet today, Kekwick Diet! I'm aiming to be 95 by the end of this month, 90 by Christmas.
I want to be under 90 when I go see Matty in January :)
January! lol two months, two months till I see my baby, two months to lose 10 pounds, I can do it! I WILL do it!
Getting my phone today! (weight, 98 this morning) I live in the US, Midwest, any texters?
Kekwick Diet! One of Ana's Boys is doing it. (actually one of the first blogs I found and the inspiration for my name) I'm starting saturday.
I've been thinking about doing this diet, but you know me, I can't seem to do anything unless I'm doing it with someone xD so I'm going to pretend he notices my comments and is supporting me too =D yay for delusions! I swear not much else is keeping me going right now >.<
I feel more twisted than ever, knowing everything I keeping going for is unstable at best and a complete delusion or lie at worst, but stubbornly disregarding whoever is thinking this and embracing the thoughts treating it as absolute fact.
Feeling nothing really right now.
Matty; I have no idea how long we’ll be together, my more cynical side laughs at the idea of love and soul mates, but another part of me yearns for it and I’m clinging so tightly to this ‘he’s the one’ thing. I know it’s complete crap, but I can’t let myself believe that.
Sexy; Part of me actually has the audacity to say ‘You ARE sexy’ the rest of me kinda laughs at that part. Ana laughs louder than me. I’m flabby and disgusting, skinny is at least better than that. But I feel like I’m going to just end up an ugly mess of bones. I already have no tits and no ass. Is Matt lying when he says he likes my body? I don't even want to think about it, I'll go with 'he's just trying to make me feel better' and leave it at that.
Future; Man I don’t even fucking know.
Friends; haha what friends? I barely talk to Mic or Vin anymore and they are the only people I ever talked to much. Matty is pretty much all I have. I don’t feel like making the effort, I feel like they’re perfectly happy not talking to me, why should I fuck that up? There is nothing I can give them, it seems like I can only maintain one relationship at a time and I could not stand to lose Matt. So if they want to try I’ll be happy, but they won’t, why would they want to deal with me?
I wrote and read all of that without feeling much of anything. This ‘not feeling’ thing is getting kinda annoying. I almost want a breakdown. I feel like I need to cry sometimes but it just doesn't happen, tears form when I throw up but that’s not really crying. I want to tear into my skin to make myself feel SOMETHING. Thinking about it doesn’t even do anything for me. I think about ripping into my skin, pulling fat out of me by hand. Nothing. Feels like my mind belongs to someone else who is looking at me, my body, my life and my thoughts and thinking "God how pathetic is this person? She has a naturally good body, has somehow managed to attract good people as friends, she is smart, her family has a good amount of money. She has all the opportunity in the world, she has the ability to take it and she SEES it, she just doesn’t do anything. Instead she’s looking at drugs and fucking her body over. What the hell is wrong with her?" I can hear this person thinking, urging me to get better, take some of that opportunity, do something USEFUL, HELPFUL and GOOD... but that person is usually in the back of my mind, in the forefront is usually Ana along with Cynical Thoughts, Depressed Thoughts, Romantic (or ‘Idealistic’) Thoughts or, less commonly, someone else. I usually think Cynical is more Me than the others, but I’m not really sure. Someone just laughed as I read over this "BPD much?"
Yeah, I don’t doubt it.
I need to get rid of this candy. I think I'm going to just throw it away. I hate throwing things away, but it will be just as wasted as fat in my body right?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I miss Matty :(
Sooooo
my liquid fast kinda sucked yesterday
I had pizza. One slice of plain cheese, then a half of a pepperoni slice (split with a friend).
I had candy. Three small packs of malted milk balls, a sucker and a few pixy stix.
I had an egg.
Blah, not really a binge at least.. but not a fast either >.<
I will fast all day, then I'm doing a flush tomorrow.
I NEED a flush.
So.
Fucking.
Bad.
grawrawwaaaaaaaaah
My stomach is all messed up >.< I want a lax soooo bad!
/sigh
But I can't get one.
Fuck age.
I'm going to eat fiber stuff
95.. oh how I want to look down at the scale and see you smiling up at me
95 95 95 95 95 95
haha sorry for the pics Honor :p
I'll make up for it with a cute/sweet vid (nothing human naked, I promise :p)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Do want,
and her arms.
I think I want to find this book.
I'ma see if Target has it :)
Also, I found out the phone I want is NO LONGER MADE
>.< it's better than most of their phones! wtf T-mobile?? wtf...
So, I did... ok I guess? I had too many cookies and four cupcakes on saturday, but didn't have any other calories besides vitamins and a forth of a soda. So I probably had about the amount of calories a 'normal' person has on a regular day. We had a basement rave, strobe lights are fucking trippy as hell btw, so I think I burnt most of it off dancing. Sunday I had a few bites of pancake, two more cupcakes and some sushi. Plus a shit ton of pixie stix.
So this is the phone I SHOULD have by next weekend, so excited!
Know what though? If I'm not under 99 pounds I'm not getting it.
Super easy goal, but I need some kind of goal right now and I really want that phone xD so I'm not going to be too hard on myself.
Liquid fast here I come!
Screw normal eating, I've been eating 'normaly' for a few days now and have barely shit at all >.< tmi I know but god damn it's bothering me! Ugh I can't wait to do a salt water flush, I need to feel clean inside again.
Matty left last night.
I want him back already T.T
But omg we had the most amazing time, first of all I think there was under 20 minutes of time total, all weekend, where we weren't touching. In other words, I kinda had a death grip on him most of the weekend xD
He's so cuddly :) we cuddled all night & he was super sweet telling me how good I looked and stroking my hair all the time.
Kinda blurry, but yeah. He's wearing my sunglasses xD God I wish I'd had a camera, I want to show you guys just how freaking skinny he is, it's crazy. His bmi is around 17 (all ALL his weight is muscle, there is almost no fat at all) His waist... oh god <3 "placing the BMI-for-ageat the 2nd percentile"T.T I'm in the 40s....
About to start talking about sexual stuff, just a warning, if you dont want to read it skip to the next ***
*********
Right so.. we.. did anal. My first time ever, I was kinda scared but he was so nice, I think he said "We don't have to," about five times and "Remember you can stop me if you need to," seven times. But it was so freakin easy, I was shocked, there was virtually no pain at all. Thinking about it though, (this might be a little weird) me being constipated so much might have had something to do with it; my ass is just that used to having a large, hard mass in it xD
The fact that I'm sooooo relaxed with him probably helped too.
I've gotta say this, it was a hellofalot easier than having normal sex xD
Brandon wanted to do anal, but when he tried he quickly gave up saying he was way too big and he'd rip me up. But I could deep throat Brandon, I can't with Matt, which kinda sucks.. my throat still hurts from trying xD
**********
Heh, brandon had such a huge ego, Matt is so much bigger xD I wish I could tell him that.
And he fits in so well with my group of friends lol he socialized with them more than I did. None of them ever liked brandon.
Matty is just so fun :)
oh yeah lol I plucked his eyebrows xD I wonder what his friends are going to say about that
1. UGH WHEN IS SHE GOING TO GET THOSE PICTURES UP?!? >.< I'll pick a few and put them up when she gets them to me :) aah scary xD prepare yourself for some nasty thunder thighs and a pudge belly since I've been eating too much lately /sigh
I think my arms might be looking better though... maybe a little...
2. Lunch with grandpa today >.< I didn't want to eat at all, oh well, I'll get that salad again, that worked out well, eat all the lettuce (yay for low cal lettuce!) to make it look like I ate more than I did & no rice this time. And some fat burning green tea! Oolong is better though, I wonder if they have that? Must check..
AND NO DESSERT!! >.< no fucking tempura, if he insists I'll insist on the bannana thing. And only eat the bananna part. /sigh still an extra 100 Cal that I really don't want, but its better than getting even that amount of cal from ice cream coated in a mess of greasy gunk. Thank god I'm actually repulsed by grease and it's not just an act. Too many things are just an act and are hard to remember when I'm by myself..
3. I probably won't be on all weekend, my friend is coming over around 5-6 in the morning tomorrow and we're going to be cooking all day *gulp* then I've got the halloween party that day, then the actual halloween day.. so prolly won't be on :/ I'll try and read some blogs if I get any time at all.
4. What are we cooking for? The halloween party! ... shitfuckdamnitIdon'twannagoanymore! Too much food... too many people stuffing their faces and not careing about the calories but not enough people for me to just blend in and get lost >.< they all know me, they'll all be watching me, bombarding me with "Eat this!" "Try this!" and "Hey isn't this good?"
5. Matt. Omg he's going to be here tomorrow!!!! O.o omgomgomg
6. Halloween itself. We're trick or treating. Aaah shit.. so much candy... I'll just have to leave it in easy reach of my mom and brother.. hope mom doesn't manage to restrain herself. Hope she doesn't try too hard to restrain adam.
7. I streached out in school the other night and my shirt came up a little, there is an 80 carved into my skin just above and a little to the right of where my left hip bone pokes out. Someone saw it. She started trying to ask me about it, then another girl comes over and is like 'That's how much she weighs," thank god I managed not to say what I was thinking 'I only wish'. They kept going for awhile, one of them said "She needs it there to remind herself,"
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate people?
ah I'm going to be freaking out this weekend, wish me strength girlies, I'm going to be needing it...
I love you all! See you all monday!
Mirror, mirror lie to me,
Show me what I want to see.
Mirror, mirror lie to me,
show me who I want to be.
My hipbones cut into my hand's,
that huge blob can’t be mine,
Mirror, mirror, she lies to me.
I like that title, fun house eyes, so many people have said fun house mirrors but it's not the mirrors fault, it's how you see it, technically it's your brain, but without eyes you wouldn't be seeing it anyways. Also, 'Fun House Brain' just doesn't sound as good as 'Fun House Eyes' in my opinion
It's been forever since I've written a poem xD don't make fun :p
Scale says I'm at 99 AT NIGHT, heck yeah.(the 98 was in the morning, I always weigh less in the morning, what about you girls?) but.. I don't see a difference... /sigh
Ana snickers at me, 'Maybe when you actually GET somewhere you'll see something. Stupid girl, you're still overweight."
I'm pretty sure she classifies ‘not underweight’ as ‘overweight’. Judgmental bitch. And I'm becoming just like her... /sigh
What can you do?
Anyways, I did my first photoshoot yesterday (amature photographer, but oh well) I don't know why I didn't mention it >.< it totally slipped my mind. Should I put up a few pics?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Oh Honor, you make me smile. I use condoms and the morning after pill, just in case. I'm not sure there's anything I'm more terrified of, besides getting fat. The two kinda go hand in hand I think though xD that's part of the reason I actually want to starve my period away >.< I know, sosuper unhealthy, but I hate the damn thing not just because of how it feels but because it reminds me I can get pregnat.
And while I'm thinking about it, my mush for the day; Ukraine says (10:28 AM):xD I love how people assume I'm older than I am, just going off how I speak. It happens all the time, makes me feel smart xD
Matty says (10:31 AM):Look at my smart little cutie, confusin people and bein smarticle.
Ukraine says (10:32 AM):and then you do something like that, that sends me into a giggle fit and I feel like a little girl lol I love you Matty
Matty says (10:34 AM):Hehehe, i love you too L--. Im glad you liked it.
Ukraine says (11:14 AM)::p I like just about anything you say <3
Matty says (11:21 AM):Aww <3 i love you babe.
Ukraine says (11:22 AM):especially when you say that, I love you too :)
xD we said 'I love you' four times in a row
I've NEVER had a guy like this before <3
So.. I was just under 600 Cal yesterday.. I didn't have the orange, I had pumpkin bread and I had four of those pumpkin spice chocolate kisses. My dad bought them. WHY does he have to buy food to bond over?? Why not a board game or something? TV even?? /sigh
Good thing I've always played with my food, I took tiny bites and squished them and played with them a lot more than I ate them, adhd ftw xD he didn't comment since I've always kinda done that. Just used to eat more than I played, now I play more than I eat.
I really, really, REALLY need someone to kick me in the ass to exercize more >.< I don't know what's wrong with me, I keep just not doing it even though I could be.
Aaahhh I need a phone!! I need someone I can txt 'I'm bored' to who will say 'Well get your butt on the treadmill then!' >.< or who will randomly txt me 'Don't eat that!' like K used to xD ah I miss her, no idea where she went T.T I lost touch with her about two months before I started this blog
http://www.starbucks.com/menu/drinks/frappuccino-blended-beverages
If you click on one it's got this calorie calculator thing, pick non-fat milk and no whip cream & see if you can get your favorite for under 200 Cal! Mine is right at 200 (the pumpkin, I'm sure you could have guessed :p) I'm ganna start looking to see what else I should try, if it's under 200 I'll buy it just to see if I like it, if I don't well that's money I won't be able to spend on something else to eat! And if I do, I've got a new sweet snack for under 200 Cal :)
lol yay starbucks!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I stayed up till a little after 4:50 on webcam with Matt. We had so much fun talking and sometimes just making silly faces at each other ^.^
He's so fucking perfect physically too.
You can barely see his breast bone, and a faint outline of his ribs, and his arms are so muscular <3 god I love his body so much, he thinks he's too skinny xD I'm like god no, you're perfect! Funny thing is, he is underweight >.< so I don't want to stop him from gaining a little if he's going to.. but... I really hope he stays the way he is, I just think he's so gorgeous.
I defiantly have a thing for skinny people, all of my boyfriends have thought they were too skinny (so did most other people) but I always thought they looked great. And not just 'oh I like you so yeah I'm going to think you look good' like even now I look at them (the ones that haven't gained) and think 'damn he's still hot as ever'
But... I've been thinking about Brandon lately... my last ex. We really don't match well, in any way except physically. God he turned me on so easily, all the time, without even trying to.
Matt acts like he doesn't care sometimes, because he knows I like the power play, but Brandon really did not care for the longest time, he just tossed me up against the wall (and he was strong, he could hold me there for quite awhile, an hour or more even) and he did whatever the hell he wanted to without any input from me. Or he would tell me what he wanted, and I never thought to disobey. Not like I could have stopped him from taking it after all. It was when he started saying he loved me too and started caring about my pleasure that I stopped getting turned on. Weird huh?
I don't think I like him again, I think I'm just wondering what it will be like with Matt. We're going to have the whole weekend, so I guess I'll find out. I need to make sure I eat friday so I have the energy and am able to get turned on xD
Intake
1/8th bagel - 28
egg white (mom made the yolk runny, so I'm going to bump it up from 17 since I know some of the yellow got into me) - 25
one grape - 3
Planning to have
small orange - 45
1 packet of crystal light - 20
total so far - 121
Ok, fasting didn't happen (sorry girlie), my plan is just to not go over 300 today. If I can stay with 121, that would be amazing, but I'm just going to plan for under 300.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, I'm finding it easier to just take it one day at a time so I won't think 'well I'll just make up for this tomorrow' 'cause I find whenever I do that, I never actually make up for it.
OMG I just weighed myself, ALL TIME LOW!!! !!!!!!!!98!!!!!!!!
=D omfg hell yes! And thats with the bagel and egg in me <3 yesyesyes! Holy hell I was so sure I hadn't lost anything xD woot!
95 here I come!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Oh my god
Intake 16oz QT pumpkin spice Cappuccino - 320 (will be spread out as flavoring in other coffees throught the day) Alberts Ice Cube - 65 (5) gum - 25
Total - 410
I was so hungry at school, I gave my money away to make sure I wouldn't eat anything, just kept chewing gum. Now, I'm not even hungry. No way can I ruin this, I can't eat the egg, it will make me hungry and I don't know if I will be able to stop. I'll boil them tonight, since there's no smell or anything to make me hungry, and I'll just have them in the morning.
410!!!
A whole 100 Cal under my limit today. I'm sorry Matt, I can't ruin that, I just can't do it...
Last night Dunno why I didn't post, must have been too high xD I meant to
I love Matt, I really truly love him.
Even though I'm drugged up on prescription pain killers xD seriously, every finger feels like there is maybe a hair string of muscle in there and that's it. I keep trying to figure out why the muscle in my hands disappeared then I remember, oh yeah, near OD on painkillers.
Anywho, he wanted to talk to me about my unhealthy food relationship, I think whatever muscle keeps your mouth closed decided it wasn't going to work right. I told him how fat I felt, spilled bits about my past, everything I ate, how much I hate myself, it all just started tumbling out.
And when he tried to convince me I was wrong I started crying, I told him 'don't make me cry please, crying isn't good' and 'oh my god you're just going to lie to me like everyone else? Stop lying to me.' finally after maybe another half hour of this type of thing, he extracted a promise from me that I wouldn't go under 80 pounds and I'd try to eat some chicken or egg once a day 'cause he seemed really really worried about me eating meat so rarely. He said 'I won't tell you you have to stop, I don't want you to start feeling like you have to lie to me too' and he said he'd be there for me no matter what, even if it is in a hospital. He said just please don't push me away. I'm sure I've got wording wrong, I'm high as fuck, just now coming down, that's probably why I spilled so much..
Today
Ok, I'm having a bit of a freak out as I realize exactly how much I said last night, I was so out of it I didn't even realize... I pretty much gave him EVERYTHING, how long this has been going on, that I want to be 70 pounds, that I have a blog (though thank god he didn't ask me to give him the blog address, I probably would have done it), exactly what I don't like about my body.. I told him every instance I can remember where someone said something negative about my body (and trust me I remember a lot), I told him about the physical abuse in my past (he already knows about the emotional, he has offered to call a hotline for me and report my parents), I told him... god I told him everything. Now I just know he's going to decide I'm too much of a mess for him to handle, oh my god I can't have him leave me... I don't even know what I would do..
Intake
16oz QT pumpkin spice Cappuccino - 320 (will be spread out as flavoring in other coffees throught the day)
Alberts Ice Cube - 65 (Ana mutters 'What the hell is with you and chocolate?')
Planing on having
cup of soy milk (100)
a hard boiled egg white (17)
maybe another (17)
Total should be
519
aah wish me strength lovelys! Pleasepleaseplease, I'm going to need it.. They're bringing in muffins at school... and my mom just left for a candy store...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
So, I went and hung out with one of my besties, Ian, we pretty much OD'd on caffeine (new triple strength at the gas mart!) and went crazy at the park. It really cheered me up. I, of course, had to try something stupid because he was rooting me on xD so I climbed up a tree and tried to jump to the roof of the pavilion. I missed. But just barely, my toe scraped along the wall, my knee and stomach managed to get a bit of scrape too. I'm pretty sure I bruised my butt when I landed. I laughed my ass off as I sat there, on the ground, dripping blood. Ian didn't even believe I'd really gotten hurt till I showed him the bloody mess that was my toe and knee, and showed the scrape on my stomach.
fingers down my throat
muscles burning to ash
knifes in my skin
tears from my eyes
streaming down my face
the screaming in my head
the laughter in my ears
the number on the scale
drowned out by pain
only by my pain
Saturday, October 23, 2010
pumpkin muffin (530) cup of milk (130)
pumpkin spice hersheys kiss (9 = 220)
grapes (44) and water
tuna (100) and 3 cherry tomatos (9)
1033 Cal
103 Pounds
I need to get some laxatives
fuck age
fuck numbers
Today Ana says,
Bread is sand and sawdust, look at it, feel it, nothing but fat, sand and sawdust.
Chocolate is disgusting, don't even touch it, it's full of bad chemicals that will make you sick and burn your skin, don't even touch it.
Water is good, clean, pure.
Drink the water, drop the bread, drop the pounds.
A - Why didn't you listen at breakfast?
L - Because my aunt was watching..
A - No, because you're weak. You're weak and fat and stupid. You could easily have told her you'll eat at home, and told your parents you'd eaten at her house. Couldn't you have?
L - Well, yeah..
A - DUH yeah! You have no will power, you scarfed down that muffin and those chocolates like you hadn't a care in the world. Well you know what? You DO have a care, that you're FAT. Look at your ass and thighs sweetie, you're a fat ass and you need to stop eating so much.
Thank god I'm getting a new phone soon. I need to talk to someone during the day.
Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. More fasting next week or I'll never get to my goal by Halloween.
Oh, I basicly told Matt.. while I was thinking about kiling myself I was spilling everything I've always kept hidden in my head, spilling it all out for him, and bless him he didn't try to say anything he just let me go. Basicly it was the last thing I told him 'last week what I didn't tell you (he guessed there was a problem and I basicly told him I didn't want to tell him) was that I hadn't eaten in three days, then I ate a lot and got mad and threw it up because it hurt, but not enough' and he just said 'I wish I could make you happier' and I broke down and I broke down and started crying, we pretty much just had a mush night after that, saying how much we wished we could hold eachother and kiss, how we would live together, when and where and what it would be like, and how much we loved eachother. He didn't say anything else about it, and I'm not sure what to think about that but god I love him.
I love him
Happiness - lol no I don't take meds, my mom is crazy scared of anything that looks like a pill, her sister is messed up in the head because of 'little orange and green pills and big white pills' she says. School tried to put me on meds, mom flipped out, no ritalin for me :(
some season appropriate recipies at your request! lol
I'm going crazy looking for pumpkin things, if anyone has anything else to contribute I'd be very happy!
I lovelovelove pumpkin and I want to have something healthy pumpkin with me so I can avoid the super sugary fatty pumpkin things everyone else will have.
oh god I feel stuffed and I'm at the office and can't purge! I had at LEAST 600 Cal maybe even 800 oh fuck me
4 large pieces of sushi, and four smaller ones, I wasn't full, but I wasn't hungry, I was thinking this was perfect, I didn't like that I'd eaten so much (though I was given 7 of the smaller pieces, I kept giving them to grandpa and he ate 3 before he finally said 'you need to eat too' and I stopped) but I know I got a lot of vitamins from all the different kinds of fish and from the ginger and seaweed.
Then grandpa said, Desert! ok, Mochi I said. No, he wanted the Tempura... ok, I figured there wouldn't be much and I could just let him eat most of it, one small bite for every two of his big bites.
They never serve a lot at these high end places.
Right?
It was about the size of half a fucking soccer ball. Full fat ice cream covered in a half inch thick layer of fried gunk and topped with a forth a soccer ball of whipped cream then drizzeled with chocolate sauce. Holy fucking hell. I ate about a forth of it >.< I avoided the bready part compleatly, had about equal amounts of whip cream and ice cream 'cause I wasn't sure which is worse /sigh fml
Also, my phone has decided it's not going to recive texts. goddamnfuckingshittyhellfuckfuckdamn
anyways, if you wanna leave your number I can text from the computer, I'm sitting at a computer most of the time anyways. Or just wait till I get a new phone, which I'm in the process of begging for right now.
