I'm just so angry

all the time. I've always been angry or sad but never this much, and never always angry. I don't know how to deal with this. Always before I knew what I wanted. I want to be smiled at, I want to be distracted,, it won't go away, so just distract me, that's easy, that's old, that's familiar.
That is what I want. But it isn't now. What do I want?
What is this anger?  I've been hurt, so hurt, I can't be sad. I want to be sad again, my mind assaults me with reasons that this is my fault, I can't believe them anymore, but I crave punishment anyway. This is my fault, I deserve to hurt. I could have made things so much easier, just be happy. I could have distracted him somehow, I knew what was happening, I could have made myself desirable again. I knew, I knew and I could have changed it. I couldn't have, but I know I could have, if I'd just tried harder. I couldn't have because I didn't know how, I wasn't sure,  I was being paranoid, I didn't try harder because I wanted to trust and believe that his love, our love, was real. I wanted to and I did, about as much as I could, even though I knew, I knew.
I could have changed it. There was nothing I could do. I'm right, I love him, he was just confused and hurt, because I'm horrible, I'm angry, I'm mean, I'm oppressive. I'm cold in anger, the worst kind, no passion, no heat, no light. He will wither and die under my anger, and there's nothing I can do, I'm always angry. I can leave, but I can't. I really really can't. I'm trying, I hurt him like I hurt me, I don't want to. I'm just horrible.
Nothing I can do. I'm helpless, I'm hopeless, I'm vile, I'm cold.
 I can die. I want to die.
I'm pathetic.

Oopse I did it again...

So, just a few weeks ago my bf of 3 years broke up with me. Lied about wanting to date my friend, dated her, dumped her, and tried to get back with me. Made my first good decision, said no to him, then made the second good one, to continue with moving to Chicago even though I wouldn't be with him. Which I then immediately followed with a string of bad ones.
1. let a guy I'd just met know I was interested in him (because I knew he was interested in me)
2. say yes when this guy asked me out (how did I completely forget my resolution to stay single for a year?)
3. (this might be the worst) MOVE IN WITH HIM............ derp (I've known him for... four weeks now? Yea. Derp)
4. Have sex with him

So... I'm obviously having second thoughts about this dude. I've already decided to cut and run this weekend. I feel like shit. He pretty much adores me (he.. might have said he thinks he loves me >.>)... and he really is a great guy (and thank god because I moved in with him pretty blindly)... but I just can't deal with this. If I had waited longer.. this would probably work out. I'm just so stupid.
On the upside, who can eat with all this stress?
T.T I want my scale. I'm having scale withdrawals.

My internet was down for three days

That's pretty much what happened.

Fucked up & triggered

One of my friends is dating a guy with a 14 year old girl. About a week ago she was admitted to the hospital, at 65lbs. She is about my height. I'm trying to be supportive, I'm really trying my best, but honestly I'm jealous, so very fucking jealous that this young girl got her bmi so much lower than mine, and rather than being happy FOR HER that they caught her, and put her in treatment, I'm spitefully happy that they're making her gain weight. I'm so ashamed of myself, both for feeling like this about that poor girl, and for being such a failure at losing weight. How long have I been at almost the same weight, doing nothing to change my body for the better? A year now? I'm sure I've been losing muscle and gaining fat, so I'm worse off and at the same weight from a year ago, it's only a matter of time if I keep this up that my body starts gaining enough fat to show up on the scale. God this is awful  I need to change.

Picture spam because, why not?

I've been compared to Pinky Pie a lot by brony friends, I dunno, I like this though.

You guys know I have a bird?

He is the cutest bird.

This looks like fun. I wanna go to a beach, who wants to take me to a beach? 

This girl was in my art class, she has da muscles. SHE ISN'T EVEN BI THOUGH.

I got so embarrassed for hitting on her so much then finding out she was completely straight x_x

Did I ever put up a prom photo? This was me getting ready for prom, I don't actually have many pictures from AT it...
but Matty changed into his dress & I did his makeup after we left the religious-parents house. He was so gorgeous, and no one realized he was a guy, in fact,
several guys we didn't know came over to dance, and hit on him.

Mommie Dearest..

I was arguing with her last night. I hardly remember what started it. I just know that it got to the point, as it often does, where she tells me how stupid my life choices are, because they're not in line with her values, because they aren't what she wants me to do. Ok, ok, I've heard this all before, noting to blog about here. BUT THEN, she does something she's never done to me before. This little line right here "Starving yourself won't make you worth anything," or maybe she said worthwhile. She has often hinted that she knows I try not to eat, but she's never done this before, she actively acknowledged the fact that I often don't eat, and frankly she might as well have said "I don't give a shit if you starve to death if you don't do what I think will make you worthy,"

I've been feeling like crap

I left andy, I'm with Matt again, and I got a hell of a nasty shock when I went to visit him.. when we were dating before, he was sexting some other girl. Cutesy messages, and graphic pictures and all. And he lied to me about it to my face, he'd spoken of her, and when I questioned further he'd called her older, ugly, and heavy.  So, obviously, I didn't worry too much about it. Well, she's only three years older than him, face isn't pretty, but her body is only heavy because of her boobs, ass, and muscle which I got to see all of on his phone. I wish I hadn't gone though it now, I didn't want to know all of this.
It's true he hasn't gotten or sent any dirty messages on the phone or facebook since we've been back together, but he admitted he talks to her on sites that aren't so easy to trace and they have also 'been friends since he was 14' so he's not willing to stop talking to her. Which I guess I don't have the right to ask anyway, and I haven't really asked, just said once that I wished he would.
The main problem is that I don't trust him now. The Matt I thought I knew would have told me everything, but this one tried to hide it away, and he even kept the messages. Seems that if he was really going to stop and wanted to hide it, he'd have at least deleted them.. I feel like he's not going to stop, I shouldn't be reacting so strongly, I'm hiding half my reaction and he still says that is too much, which I disagree with, but the whole of what I feel IS too much.
Why do I feel so strongly for this boy, when breaking the hearts of any other has never been a problem for me? I think my karma is going to catch up with me, and he's going to ruin me soon, in the most heart wrenching way possible. By lying and letting me find out on my own that he isn't mine anymore. I think it knows I don't have the power to resist letting myself go to him. I think it knows he has the power to kill me. I think that's what it wants.
On.. the upside I guess, my weight is falling again. Finally, I've managed to stay under 90 for awhile. It helps that I've been working out. ALSO, my mom made me take some sausage and egg she made this morning, and my stomach just went NOPE and I got sick about 15/20 minutes later. None of it was even digested like at all. I think I've been avoiding fat for so long, that my body just rejected it.

I haven't been here for awhile. I miss you guys.

I sure have gotten myself into a fix, and I have no where else to spill my thoughts.. I'm.. kinda living with Andy right now. I tried to leave, and he explained so logically why I should stay here, and I wavered, but I was still going to go, but then he cried, and begged, I just felt so guilty and I couldn't help but think that he's so smart and he really does treat me well and he really seems to love me so I must be wrong, so I stayed.

And now, I'm not happy. 

I have to hide that I'm still talking to Matt, kinda, he knows but if I ever let him think I might be thinking about Matt at all while he's near me he gets really upset and makes me feel really guilty, so I have to hide it.

I'm starting to resent that, you shouldn't have to keep secrets from a lover, right?

I miss Matt.

I gave myself till the end of the month, partially to think and see if this sadness goes away, and partially because Andy's birthday is really soon and I feel so terrible for even thinking about leaving so close to that, and partially because if I went up to Chicago right now Matt wouldn't even have anything to do with me because of how badly I hurt him.

I was supposed to go visit family in Chicago to see if getting away from here helped sort out my feelings, and Matt was going to be my ride there, but I fucked things up. I knew if I told Andy Matt was my ride, he'd be angry, and I hate to have anyone angry with me, it scares me so much, so I didn't tell him. It was really harmless.. except that he specifically asked me not to lie.. and I did, and he found out. When Matt was here.

And I felt so bad that I stayed, and sent Matt back home by himself. I'm really angry at myself for that now, and I'm really really lucky that Matt didn't just tell me to go fuck myself like I really deserved, he was really angry at me for awhile.. but still my friend.. I just don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. I think he's the last person that I'm really comfortable talking to, and I just can't lose him...

Oh, and I've been yo-yoing my weight, never above 95, never below 85. Fun times. 

/end rant

I really really miss being here.
Oh, I might be just a hint buzzed, so sorry about anything not making sense. 

Hey there

I'm insane. Andy won't last much longer, he'll probably be gone by the end of the week. I have a problem. I'm going back to Matt, because he's the only person I've ever dated that I didn't break up with because I was bored. We had a legitimate problem, and he's taken steps to fix it.
Andy.. is a wonderful guy.. he really is, but the feelings just flared up and then faded away, like they always have, with everyone except Matt. I guess I do love Matt, it seems like it, I've had this feeling a lot, but he's the only one who it hasn't faded with.
I think what I pursue guys like some people pursue drugs. That rush in the beginning is always so amazing. They can keep me as long as it lasts because it makes me feel loved, a feeling I can't manage to produce on my own. That, in an odd way, is why I like being single, as long as there are people chasing me. It's fun to be chased. Almost as fun as being bought stuff and have someone constantly wanting to talk to and hold you.
So, this is a terrible thing to think but it'll probably happen; I'm going to go live with Matt, because god I miss him, but I don't know if I'm going to start dating him again right away.

I'm.. disgusted with myself. I gained six pounds in a week at my friends house. It.. it's scary how easy it was.. it MUST come off QUICKLY.. I don't even have a plan besides FUCK FOOD and RUN, but that shit's happening.

New post so fast!?

Yea, but I had to say something about Andy, I feel the need to defend my sudden break with Matt, and I'm bad at recounting scenes like this too long after they happen.
So, the other night it was really dark and we weren't wearing much, and a car passed by and in the light he saw my scars and started tracing them with his fingers and I pulled his hand away and then buried my face in my hands, and he pulls them away and turns on the light and cups my chin so I have to look into his eyes and he said "Sweetheart, don't be embarrassed about anything with me, not ever, I won't ever judge you. In fact, right now I can't, when I was in high school I used to take my exacto knife and do this," and he traced an X over my heart with his free hand and then just held me..

87

one more pound and I'll be underweight, I have a new boyfriend because I'm going insane again and can't deal with... anything being the same. Matt and I needed to split, we were fighting like hell while I was watching my parents beat the shit out of each other emotionally and physically, and I was getting WAAAAY clicky with this new guy. His name is Andy, I kinda stole him from a friend of mine because fuck it I've been hating life for too long, I'm 18 now and I've decided it's time to take my freedom by force, do whatever the fuck I want and throw whoever tries to take my spot at the top of the world off of the fucking mountain.
Andy, by the way, is a male ME. We.. think the same. First time we hung out alone, we started finishing each others sentences within five hours. He's been stealing me away at night for the past week and half the time we just talk and talk and talk, and then he drops me off and either I call him or he calls me (WHICH FEELS FUCKING AMAZING, matt never wanted to call me) and we keep talking most of the morning
I can't really focus on much, my days are blending because of the weird sleep thing, I'm so focused on him I don't even think about food, he says he forgets to eat a LOT and I understand why, he's such a blast! He's brilliant and impulsive and hot and sweet and funny... I think we both accidentally fasted one day hanging out together.
Life is crazy right now, it's mostly good though I'm losing my parents trust again, I'm going to be out of here soon, Andy knows what's going on and say's I can move in almost as soon as he gets his apartment, and he's picking a place where my birdy will be welcome, just for me. I'm moving too fast I know, but I don't care. I feel something amazing coming up hard and fast and maybe I'm going to knock myself out on the way there if I don't slow down but right now I don't CARE

It's my birthday.

I'm 18.
91.0 lbs
I was 89.5 two days ago.
Couldn't hold onto it.
No self control.
Disgusting.
This new format is weird.
I hope Peri and Honor and Mich and everyone else is doing ok.
I miss you guys..
I also thought I hit publish, but I guess I didn't?

I'm not dead, in case (as unlikely as this is) anyone was wondering. I'm failing two classes, and I've gained weight. I just can't shake this slump, and now I'm sick. I suck. Sorry..

Me & Kuari.

Kuari is a very calming bird, I've been feeling a lot better hanging out and playing with her.

I have a bird.

Pretty sure it's a girl, name's Kuari. She's a cockatiel, 14 weeks old, not completely steady on her feet yet, and it seems like she'd rather fall than dig her nails in, she's too sweet. I'm afraid she's gonna hurt herself.

sleepy birdy

She stuck her head right in my mouth and grabbed a tooth, it took me longer to get her head out than in

I'm sure plenty of you have gone through periods, long or short, of just not caring about interaction with anyone or anything for any reason. I'm not in the mood to seek out any kind of relationship, or maintain anything that anyone else has tried to build with me, with the exception of Matt.

This is probably not healthy, I got so excited thinking it was him when I heard my phone ringing that I actually cried when it turned out to be just an alarm. I mean, sobbing, red faced, pillow-soaking weeping, not just a few tears. Yet, if I'd thought anyone else would be calling, I wouldn't have even checked the phone. I haven't checked facebook in days. I'm not really even sure what I'm doing here, I guess I miss you guys and your understanding. Sorry I'm not very reliable..
Oh, and I've been turning back to the blade lately. I'm not really sure what to do/think about that one. Weird huh? You'd think I'd know what I thought since I'm the one thinking. 

I'd be less pathetic as a corpse.

Yea, that.

I passed.

S1 7367-01 Psychology 7                Fraser P                 78%  C
S1 5009-02 Co-Ed Team Sports        Meyer L                    78%  C
S1 4337-05 Film as Literature        Shifflet T                    84%  B
S1 2220-07 Wildlife Biology        Mitchell B                  80%  B
S1 4427-03 Adv Writing Skills        Ursani S                 66%  D
Y 6110-09 Geometry 3-4                Luja S                72%  C
This is a first time in a long time that I passed everything. If I can do it again next semester, I'm out.  I know its not much of an accomplishment, these grades suck, but the point is, I passed and that's what I needed, something I haven't been able to do before.. I skip too many assignments, most from actually forgetting, some from putting them off too long, that was my problem with Adv Writing. No late grades. Period.

I'm getting a stationary bike!

For FREE! =D my aunt replaced hers with a treadmill and said she was going to throw it away, and I went NO give it to meeee =D and so she's going to. I'm going to get rid of the bed I don't use anymore (legit don't even sit on it because my bean bag is amazing and replaced all that). I'm also gonna try to fashion a desky thing where the handle bars are so I will have NO excuses to not get on it as soon as I get home. Just think, I can be blogging on my bike by next week! The internetz will deter my weight loss no more!

Wootwoot! Warcraft + cardio, here I come!